Will BPD revert...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My girlfriend of 3 years progressively got worse during the relationship with her jealously and rages.  At one point early in 2015 I finally confronted her about the way she was acting and she agreed that she was.  Over the past year I have seen a clear improvement on what is was before.  I would say she definitely has/had strong traits of BPD, but maybe wouldn't be diagnosed BPD?  Her mom abused her father which I would assume that she has BPD and her mom's sister was abusive toward her husband.  This seems to be a trend in the family.  The past year has gone alot better, but I'm still concerned she is just "playing nice" until we get engaged and get married.  My question is has anyone had a BPD partner admit that they were abusive and stopped doing it for long term?  If they did stop did they revert back to the actions before?  My big fear is we get engaged and married and have children and her behavior comes back.  I know they it takes alot of counseling to truly be "helped", but I feel like she's changed for the better and I want to believe her.  Should I?

[Biff0710]

My girlfriend of 3 years progressively got worse during the relationship with her jealously and rages.  At one point early in 2015 I finally confronted her about the way she was acting and she agreed that she was.  Over the past year I have seen a clear improvement on what is was before.  I would say she definitely has/had strong traits of BPD, but maybe wouldn't be diagnosed BPD?  Her mom abused her father which I would assume that she has BPD and her mom's sister was abusive toward her husband.  This seems to be a trend in the family.  The past year has gone alot better, but I'm still concerned she is just "playing nice" until we get engaged and get married.  My question is has anyone had a BPD partner admit that they were abusive and stopped doing it for long term?  If they did stop did they revert back to the actions before?  My big fear is we get engaged and married and have children and her behavior comes back.  I know they it takes alot of counseling to truly be "helped", but I feel like she's changed for the better and I want to believe her.  Should I?

[Notwendy]

IMHO the short answer is yes and no.

Yes to the idea that she is motivated to change. No, if that motivation is mostly external- like the goal of marriage. While the relationship is clearly important to her, and probably most of us are motivated by both internal and external goals ( how many of us would go to work every day if we didn't get a paycheck?- that is an external goal- yet in our daily lives we have internal ones: to be a good person, to help others, to do a good job).  

Fear of abandonment is another consideration. While the turning point for her was external- you not putting up with the situation- this in itself is not a bad thing. In fact, it is our own boundaries that can influence the limits of behavior in other in our relationship. Some people will cross boundaries, and so having boundaries informs them of their limits.

Sometimes BPD relationships are relatively more stable than others at different times. This is because marriage, itself, is a long term relationship with ups and downs over the years. How people cope with stress, communicate with each other, can influence how they cope with the stresses over the years. I grew up with a mother with BPD and some times were more stressful than others- this is normal, but sometimes the stresses overwhelmed her. In these cases I would not say she "reverted" but as a result of her ability to cope with stress.

Being able to improve behavior over a year is something to consider- that is an accomplishment. I would want to consider the factors that have led to it. Have either of you done some extensive work on learning new relationship skills? I mention you because, the singular factor that you can influence is YOU. If you expect her to change while you don't then you are ignoring at least half of the relationship- because we tend to pick partners who "match" us in emotional maturity. If you expect her to grow emotionally while you don't, then the relationship stays at the lower level.

Is the relationship seemingly better because she is scared you will leave her?  If this is the case, a ring on her finger may remove that motivation. Is the relationship better because you are walking on eggshells or appeasing her? What draws you two together? Is it common goals, interests, good communication? Or is it hot sex? While chemistry is important, it isn't the only glue for the long term. Have you discussed the "hard questions"? Topics such as money, sex, children, who works, who cares for them, career goals, religion are important to discuss when considering marriage. If either of you are afraid or unable to be honest about your feelings in these areas, then this could be a possible issue not just for someone with BPD but for any couple.

I don't know if your fear will come true or not, but it is good that you realize it because, if you ignore it and propose anyway, then you are marrying with that fear. Nobody is perfect, and any relationship can have unpredictable difficulties. Looking for the perfect partner isn't realistic, but the two of you need to be able to communicate and work things out well enough to make the marriage work over time. Red flags such as substance abuse, addictions, irresponsible spending, are things to be concerned about.

IMHO ,I think we date and marry backwards in our culture. We tend to follow our attractions and do the talking and working things out later. One way to address your fears is to do some pre-marital couples counseling of your choice ,secular or religious- with a counselor who will ask you the tough questions and hold you to honesty and accountability. This isn't fool proof, nothing is, but if your gf is willing to go through this, then perhaps you will get your answer. If she refuses, or isn't honest, then that is an answer as well. This is as much about you as her. Few decisions are as important as who you choose to live the rest of your life with and to be the mother of your children, so this is worth being honest up front about.

[Verbena]

I can only speak from my own experience.  My husband did a very good job of masking his issues during the year that we dated before marrying.  Three months in, all bets were off and I got my first silent treatment--on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day no less. 

Even so, there were some red flags before we married. My cousin and his own sister even tried to give me some warnings about his behavior, and I saw some issues myself with jealousy and low self-esteem that resulted in a lot of anger.  But I was young and stupid and married him anyway. 

If you've seen improvement for a whole year, that is encouraging.  I do agree with notwendy's  comments about her motivation.  I remember telling my husband that he seemed different after we got married and he actually told me, "WEll now I've got you."  He's only gotten worse over the years (almost 34 now) and I wish I had paid more attention to the signs and put up with less. 

[LilMe]

I left and my uBPD went through a domestic violence abusers program so I came back.  He was better for about a year.  Now 2 1/2 years later he is the same as before the program and he even denies he was ever abusive.  Anecdotal, but that's my experience.

[Notwendy]

BPD doesn't go away. It is a part of the person. I think to some extent, someone with BPD can be motivated to hold it together, and to even seek treatment and change, however, that takes some hard personal work for any human being.

Another poster, I think it is Waverider, has noted that the motivation of people with BPD can be different, perhaps more externally motivated than internal. Like all humans, once a reward is achieved, the motivation can be diminished. If fear of abandonment is a motivator, then a more solid relationship can diminish that.

An example of internal motivation would be someone thinking " I don't want to behave like this". But if the reason for the change in behavior is external - " My partner has left, or is threatening to leave, I want him/her back" then, once that is achieved, the person may think that the goal has been achieved.

This is why I think partners of pw BPD have to have strong boundaries. This doesn't mean threatening to leave or being manipulative. It means that the limits of what we tolerate are established. It means we work on our own fears in the relationship so that we can uphold boundaries.

[Cat Familiar]

BPD doesn't go away. It is a part of the person. I think to some extent, someone with BPD can be motivated to hold it together, and to even seek treatment and change, however, that takes some hard personal work for any human being.

I was so excited when my husband started doing therapy. His reason was that he felt rejected by his sisters who live on the opposite coast. They have children and grandchildren are starting to come along and they're really involved with their growing families.

Because he doesn't have children, he thinks they don't think of him as a "real person" and he doesn't feel included. (How could he possibly be "included" when he has chosen to live thousands of miles away from them?)

Anyway, as he started doing therapy, I could see that he became more tolerant, drank much less, and his moods were more stable. Then, out of the blue, he decided he had enough and quit.

Now he's drinking more, he's more emotionally labile. So much for my hopes of a permanent change. 

[Violettine]

Well, it is called 'the good prognosis diagnosis.' Not that one should expect that good prognosis.

My girlfriend of 3 years progressively got worse during the relationship with her jealously and rages.  At one point early in 2015 I finally confronted her about the way she was acting and she agreed that she was.  Over the past year I have seen a clear improvement on what is was before.  I would say she definitely has/had strong traits of BPD, but maybe wouldn't be diagnosed BPD?  Her mom abused her father which I would assume that she has BPD and her mom's sister was abusive toward her husband.  This seems to be a trend in the family.  The past year has gone alot better, but I'm still concerned she is just "playing nice" until we get engaged and get married.  My question is has anyone had a BPD partner admit that they were abusive and stopped doing it for long term?  If they did stop did they revert back to the actions before?  My big fear is we get engaged and married and have children and her behavior comes back.  I know they it takes alot of counseling to truly be "helped", but I feel like she's changed for the better and I want to believe her.  Should I?

[Notwendy]

I wonder if an apparent "relapse" coincides with our relaxing our boundaries, thinking things are better so that is OK. Perhaps thinking of it like a chronic situation that needs strong boundaries all the time. Someone wouldn't say to a person with diabetes- "well you are doing so well you can skip the insulin".

Did the relapse coincide with a change in the partner?

Dealing with BPD involves their own therapy,but also often help for the partner in maintaining boundaries. It is a disorder of relationships and so will show itself in that relationship.

[JohnLove]

The short answer is ABSOLUTELY.

If they have their eyes on a prize they can be very cunning in getting their needs met. They can "internalise" things for years... .others call it a "mask"... .but mark my words by golly gosh, when the mask slips or the goal has been accomplished. All bets can be off.   :'(

But if your girlfriend is evolving herself with lasting change. I commend her. Time will tell. 

[Cat Familiar]

My husband was in a super good mood for a couple of days around our anniversary and he gave me a gorgeous necklace, super extravagant, but he can afford it.

Then the next day he was downcast and depressed again. Totally fooled me--as time and time again, I think positive changes might last.

In a moment of candor when I asked him how he was, he admitted to being depressed ever since his birthday, over a month ago. Wow! It's amazing how they can put on the mask for a while. I thought we were having a great time the day before.