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Author Topic: Feeling like I've been poisoned.  (Read 554 times)
Mars22
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: April 18, 2016, 01:25:07 PM »

Is it me or does it feel like my mind and body and soul has been severely poisoned? Prior to this relationship I had with a women who had BPD traits I was very carefree, happy had plenty of dates with women, travelled and felt incredibly independent. But now, I'm so stuck in my head. I've never felt this preoccupied with a break up every in my life. Well, maybe outside of my first love lost when I was in High school but, i was young and didn't know those feelings existed. I really wish there was a magic potion i can take and just move the heck on.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2016, 02:02:52 PM »

Hey Mars, Your feelings are normal.  It take a while to recover from the toxic "soup" that is BPD.  Suggest you return the focus to yourself and embark on a journey towards authenticity.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Return to the person you are at your core.  Seek self-esteem from within.  You get the idea . . .

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
SoMadSoSad
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« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2016, 02:11:17 PM »

Yes it's like I was stabbed in the heart and when she left she took the knife out and left me bleeding out.
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JerryRG
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« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2016, 05:06:46 PM »

Relationship with pwBPD is truly a mind bending experience, I still cannot think clearly after going on 5 months nc, last weekend I text her (we share custody) and she's right back to lies, manipulation and pushing my buttons. She's creepy, I cannot understand her and I never will, trying was a big mistake. Complete waste of time.

I go from confusion to anger to pity in a 30 minute cycles every day and most of the night. PTSD, I sometimes wonder if I didn't have an emotional  breakdown at some point.

I just want my brain back, all mine, no more her in my head.

I'm making many mistakes at work because I'm using needed cognitive energy resisting the horrible things she's said and done to enter my thoughts. She's harmed me, my family, her family, gotten the police involved in so many calls, doctor visits, fake illnesses and blames 100% on me or others, never herself.

She's one mean _____ , you fill in the blank because I have yet to figure out who and what she is other than a royal pain in everyone's behind.

She overdosed 2 times when we first met, no one from her family even came to the hospital to see her, everyone has given up and my mistake was to care.
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Mars22
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« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2016, 07:13:01 PM »

Whoa - JerryRG... that really gives me quite the perspective. Having her rooted in your life when children are involved is such another layer i cannot even comprehend. I can totally see how distracting it may be. Jeez... with the risk of  over-stepping here - Was there not any kinda intervention? That really must be so hard for all of you to see her go through. Apparently her family has done exactly what her fears have told her? They sound like they abandoned her?... by not showing up at the hospital to show support?

HOPEFULLY you have a good support system in place for you. You sound like you really need somebody in your corner allowing you to cope with all this? Therapist? Good friends? To purge some this outta of your mind so you can focus more at work and such... Well jeez, you always know you have us... .

keep up the good work. Sincerely.




SoMadSoSad -

actually what you proposing sounds a little less torturous. i'd rather have quick and somewhat painless... kinda like normal breakups. It stings for awhile, a month or so but your at 85% emotional power and not carrying around the weight of the bad emotions and memories for two.
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semantics

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« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2016, 07:40:29 PM »

No man, OP, no way is it just you. That sh!t is going around today. Keep breathing your way through.
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balletomane
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« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2016, 08:16:39 PM »

At first I felt like that all the time. When my ex and I were in limbo (not together, but not broken up) I described to him how I was feeling, and in one of his very rare displays of empathy and admissions of responsibility, he burst into tears and cried, "I've infected you with my brokenness." I doubt he even remembers that now, but it's on my mind a lot.

Eighteen months on from that and one year from the final discard, I don't feel 'infected' all the time now, but the feeling still surfaces at difficult moments: whenever anyone hugs me (I stiffen up and start to feel anxious), when I'm in any kind of 'deep' conversation with a friend (I'm always monitoring the situation for signs that something is about to go wrong, and I'm hyper-alert to the possibility that maybe they're judging me or disliking me), and when I think about getting into another relationship (sheer frozen numb panic, if panic can be numb). In short, the feeling affects me most at moments of closeness. I hate that. I want to feel like me again, and I want to be free to be close to my friends and to love others. I don't see any way out right now, so I'm just trusting to time.
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JerryRG
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« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2016, 08:29:04 PM »

My ex told me in one of our first conversations that "Jerry you don't want nothing to do with me because I will f up your life"

She knew, she knew

I in my selfish pride thought,

I knew too.

There will never be a "next time"
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