Am I cruelly abandoning a sick wife - or am I ending the enabling?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

For about the last year, I've been preparing to leave my marriage to my uBPD wife.  Very much a 'waif' archetype. Back story is in a lot of other threads, but she is basically a complete drain on me emotionally and financially, she is uncooperative regarding couples therapy and she is a perpetual victim and unwilling to take any responsibility for any of our issues.  I need to leave for my own mental health and financial well being for my future.

Last year, she had a hysterectomy and I took care of her for a couple months as she recovered.  Doing 100% of the household work wasn't much more than my usual.  Over I year later and she is still not fully recovered, indeed she seems to take some wild downturns occasionally.  She has a long history of undiagnosable and possibly psychosomatic sicknesses - sometimes extremely well timed to happen after huge arguments where she finally promises to look for a job.  So I have learned to be skeptical of her constant whining and complaining of illness. But, she is going to physical therapy where there are definite physical problems (vaginismus, seized muscles, nerve pain).  It is hard to know how much is a physical component and how much is psychological.  All of her physical therapists have commented on what an extremely and uniquely difficult case she is.

Part of me feels terrible planning to abandon her as she is going through all of these problems, that marriage is for better or worse and I need to stick by her.  The other part of me feels like I have sacrificed enough of my life to someone who I don't trust even loves me, who I feel is using me as a meal ticket and a crutch.  She broke down crying last week asking if I was happy and telling me she was terrified I was going to leave her.  I can't talk to her about my problems or unhappiness because it she will either excuse it all away or insult me for being selfish, or claim I am creating an unhealthy psychological environment for her mental recovery.  So I just tell her I'm fine, just living day to day.

Do others here have a take on this?  How do you, in good conscience, leave a someone who has spent years psychologically programming you to feel responsible for them?

[adventurer]

For about the last year, I've been preparing to leave my marriage to my uBPD wife.  Very much a 'waif' archetype. Back story is in a lot of other threads, but she is basically a complete drain on me emotionally and financially, she is uncooperative regarding couples therapy and she is a perpetual victim and unwilling to take any responsibility for any of our issues.  I need to leave for my own mental health and financial well being for my future.

Last year, she had a hysterectomy and I took care of her for a couple months as she recovered.  Doing 100% of the household work wasn't much more than my usual.  Over I year later and she is still not fully recovered, indeed she seems to take some wild downturns occasionally.  She has a long history of undiagnosable and possibly psychosomatic sicknesses - sometimes extremely well timed to happen after huge arguments where she finally promises to look for a job.  So I have learned to be skeptical of her constant whining and complaining of illness. But, she is going to physical therapy where there are definite physical problems (vaginismus, seized muscles, nerve pain).  It is hard to know how much is a physical component and how much is psychological.  All of her physical therapists have commented on what an extremely and uniquely difficult case she is.

Part of me feels terrible planning to abandon her as she is going through all of these problems, that marriage is for better or worse and I need to stick by her.  The other part of me feels like I have sacrificed enough of my life to someone who I don't trust even loves me, who I feel is using me as a meal ticket and a crutch.  She broke down crying last week asking if I was happy and telling me she was terrified I was going to leave her.  I can't talk to her about my problems or unhappiness because it she will either excuse it all away or insult me for being selfish, or claim I am creating an unhealthy psychological environment for her mental recovery.  So I just tell her I'm fine, just living day to day.

Do others here have a take on this?  How do you, in good conscience, leave a someone who has spent years psychologically programming you to feel responsible for them?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey adventurer,  You are not responsible for the well being of another adult.  It's that simple.  Let go of the guilt.  Follow your gut feelings.  What is the right path for you?  I can't tell you whether to stay or to leave, but can suggest that you figure out what you want to see happen.  You can waste a lot of time and energy ruminating over it, but at the end of the day it's about what's right for you, in my view.  Be yourself, is my suggestion.  Marriage, in my view, is not a life sentence.  If you're miserable, then it's time to make a change.

LuckyJim

[adventurer]

Thanks LuckyJim, yes - just let go - working every day to let go of the guilt.  It will feel different and hopefully easier once I'm actually moved out of this environment.

You are not responsible for the well being of another adult.

I've seen you post this elsewhere, possibly on one of my old threads - and at that time I copy/pasted it into a document I've filled with affirming quotes and statements.  I read it often and work to internalize it.  Thank you again!

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, adventurer, Great, glad you find that quote helpful.  It sounds simple, yet it's a tough concept to wrap one's head around and took me a while to grasp.  Once you get the message, though, it's quite liberating.

LuckyJim

[goateeki]

I actually do have a lot of experience with this, and I can say that I feel for you, bro.  I know what it's like.

I also now know that it doesn't have to be that way.

[adventurer]

Thanks - any advice or experience there is to help get this into my brain is appreciated.

I have made a lot of progress and am usually good about not feeling responsible for her moods.  Or feeling responsible to buy her things she wants that are unaffordable or being a 'fixer' when there are other problems she is having.  I also do pretty well at not justifying, feeling defensive or taking any put-downs or anger personally.

Just have this final hump to get over and it's the hardest one.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey adventurer, What keeps you from getting over the hump?  I know that's a tough question for you . . .

Leaving is painful, no doubt, though it leads to greater happiness in the long run, in my view.

LuckyJim

[vortex of confusion]

That final hump is the hardest. I asked my husband of 18 years to leave at the beginning of March. It was one of the hardest things to do. He was unemployed, has diabetes, and a bunch of other stuff going on with him. I wrestled with the decision to stay or go for years. I have a boat load of posts where I struggled and was full of so much angst about it. I still have feelings of guilt over asking him to leave.

What keeps me going is how great I have felt since he left. As long as he was living here, I could not deal with my pain or hurt. I spent my days telling him I was fine because, like you, I couldn't really share with him without him making it about him. Now that he is gone, I am trying to do the work of processing all that has happened over the years. It is hard work as stuff is coming up that I didn't even realize I had buried. Living with him was a one day at a time prospect.

Besides feeling like you are abandoning her, what are some other reasons that you are having a hard time getting over the hump?

For me, I didn't want to abandon him. I was afraid of being a single parent. I was trying to reconcile the fact that my values were colliding. I made a vow and didn't want to violate that. I wanted to keep my family in tact. I had a difficult time accepting the fact that I had allowed this person to treat me the way he did. My reasons for staying were more about me and my internal struggles than they were about him. I had to take the focus off what he was doing and focus more on what was going on inside of me.

[Lucky Jim]

I was trying to reconcile the fact that my values were colliding. I made a vow and didn't want to violate that. I wanted to keep my family in tact. I had a difficult time accepting the fact that I had allowed this person to treat me the way he did. My reasons for staying were more about me and my internal struggles than they were about him. I had to take the focus off what he was doing and focus more on what was going on inside of me.

Nicely put, voc!  I shared much the same concerns as you, yet had to face the reality that I had allowed myself to become the object of someone's abuse, which did a number on my self-esteem and feelings of self-confidence.  At the end, there was nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, and I lacked the strength to leave.  Fortunately two kind friends and a family member conducted an intervention, which is what got me over the hump.

LuckyJim

[adventurer]

Hey adventurer, What keeps you from getting over the hump?  I know that's a tough question for you . . .

Besides feeling like you are abandoning her, what are some other reasons that you are having a hard time getting over the hump?

... .

My reasons for staying were more about me and my internal struggles than they were about him. I had to take the focus off what he was doing and focus more on what was going on inside of me.

Wow, this is great.  Yes, I need to keep questioning and stop worrying about how she will come out in all of this, focus on myself and what I need.

May sound simple but this is a bit of a lightbulb moment, I don't know why I didn't probe deeply enough.

I need to further confront my fear of the unknown, my discomfort of breaking a years long daily pattern and routine, my fear of being alone and my fear that I may be too broken by this to try a relationship again.  My fear of the financial repercussions, the damage to my social circle.  Got to remind myself I have great friends and family, it's all going to work out OK no matter what.

Still have those codependent crutches I need to cast off and learn to walk.


Your advice and experiences you are sharing are very enlightening and extremely helpful!  Yesterday afternoon I filled out an application for a small, cheap studio apartment.  I'm hoping it comes through.  I have slowly but surely been taking one step at a time to get prepared... .

[vortex of confusion]

Your advice and experiences you are sharing are very enlightening and extremely helpful!  Yesterday afternoon I filled out an application for a small, cheap studio apartment.  I'm hoping it comes through.  I have slowly but surely been taking one step at a time to get prepared... .

That is a great positive step forward!

Sometimes, it helps to do one small thing at a time. I hadn't worked outside of the home in 8 years when I decided that I had enough. I found a second job outside of the house. I got my own bank account. I started taking better care of myself. If you are like many people that have been in relationships like this, you may have let yourself go because you were so focused on taking care of the other person. Small bits of self care can go a long way to help you build up some strength. It isn't easy for sure. It took me 3 or 4 years after I decided that I wanted out before I could actively do anything about it. Prior to that, I knew things were off but was still in too much of a fog.

Something else to keep in mind is that your spouse will likely say and do things to completely undermine your confidence and make you feel even more guilty. He told me he would leave after he got a job and a bunch of other stuff. He played up not having a place to go. It was amazing how quickly he found a place to stay and started doing things for himself.

[Lucky Jim]

Got to remind myself I have great friends and family, it's all going to work out OK no matter what

Agree w/that, adventurer.  Sure, we all have a fear of the unknown.  The interesting thing, at least for me, is that it turns out the "unknown" is where greater happiness lies.  Maybe I was afraid of being happier?  I suspect that I was mired in the BPD swamp for so long that I had forgotten, or was pressured to abandon, the things that brought me joy.  No more.  Change brings new challenges, no doubt, yet the path is authentic to me, which makes all the difference.

LuckyJim

[Fr4nz]

Got to remind myself I have great friends and family, it's all going to work out OK no matter what

Agree w/that, adventurer.  Sure, we all have a fear of the unknown.  The interesting thing, at least for me, is that it turns out the "unknown" is where greater happiness lies.  Maybe I was afraid of being happier?  I suspect that I was mired in the BPD swamp for so long that I had forgotten, or was pressured to abandon, the things that brought me joy.  No more.  Change brings new challenges, no doubt, yet the path is authentic to me, which makes all the difference.

LuckyJim

This is a great point.

I think we really get used to the "situation" we have with our BPDs, even if it is a VERY BAD situation.

The reason is simple: we believe that we can "handle" them - and the underlying situation. Plus, there's this "fear of the unknown", i.e., the fear of losing everything (love, friends, etc.) if we leave them, which in turn doesn't allow us to see how much BAD is the place we ended up in, where we are sacrificing everything for... .very little.

[prisonmike]

just wanted to leave my two cents here. It feels good to see that someone else is in the exact same situation I'm in. I'm currently struggling with going through the steps to move out. I've got a storage unit so i've been slowly taking some of my less noticeable things away first. I've also tried to do something everyday, anything no matter how small, towards my goal. in the beginning it was just looking online for an apartment or something. that actually morphed into buying a small house for myself. which sounds nuts but having that has forced me to keep going and it will put me in a spot where I have to move out no matter how hard it will be. it also has made it so that even if i feel like going back to her later i'll have my house to remind me that i can't do that. the thing i try to focus on is knowing that when i'm out and i'm on my own i'll be so happy to live my life the way i want to. no more eggshells, no more random fits of anger, no more telling other people i can't hang out (without telling them that she'll be mad). just keep in mind, adventurer, you're not alone

[adventurer]

sacrificing everything for... .very little.

Too true, I have given so much for so little in return and for such little acknowledgement.  And I'm the one who gets the accusations of being 'selfish' or 'entitled' simply because I would like to enjoy some of the fruits of my labor for myself instead of dumping them all down a black hole.

[adventurer]

So I've been approved for a studio apt. rental early June.  It's tiny and cheap and should be a good landing pad for a bit as I navigate the divorce and figure out the next phase of my life.

Very excited and scared.  My wife is almost always at the house or gone with our one car so I won't really be able to secure many of my belongings in advance.  I have a security deposit box with the irreplaceable heirlooms already stored and scans of all my financial documents.  Just will have to take what I can carry and remind myself that everything else is just 'stuff'.

[Lucky Jim]

Good for you, adventurer.  I admire your courage to make a change.  There's no "good time" to leave a BPD r/s.  It gets to a tipping point, in my experience, after which it's "all over but the shoutin'."  Good luck and keep us posted.

LuckyJim

[vortex of confusion]

That is awesome!

This stuff is so hard to navigate. It is one step at a time. I know how scary it is to take the leap and be done. There are days when I feel like the best thing I ever did was ask him to leave. Then, there are those days when I wonder how I am going to manage with all of the changes.

Like Lucky Jim says, there is no good time! I kept waiting for a "good time". Then one day, it reached the tipping point and I asked him to leave. That was such a scary and upsetting day but I knew I had reached my limit and could no longer go on with the way things were.

[Makersmarksman]

I just experienced something similar to this 3 months ago.  My wife is 41, has HPV as a result of abnormal PAP smears.  She just had a endometrial biopsy which came back negative, but was given 2 options: freeze her uterus or remove it.  She does blame hormonal changes on this latest split with me somewhat, saying she "needs to find herself", needs to feel independent" etc.  She is selling this like an MLC, yet this weill be our 3rd major separation, 7 or so affairs endured by me and mountains of emotional to myself and my children, and physical abuse endured over 20 years to me.  I am not downplaying the effects of peri-menopause or menopause on a woman's mood, but she seems to forget she also has BPD, which is an inconvenient truth for her.

[adventurer]

wow - thank you everyone for all the great support and sharing your stories.

This may end up being the hardest thing I ever do.

[Lucky Jim]

Of course it's hard, but it leads to greater happiness over the long haul.  LJ

[adventurer]

Of course it's hard

 

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.” - Theodore Roosevelt

[Lucky Jim]

Well said by TR!  Thanks, adventurer.  LJ

[GaGrl]

I just experienced something similar to this 3 months ago.  My wife is 41, has HPV as a result of abnormal PAP smears.  She just had a endometrial biopsy which came back negative, but was given 2 options: freeze her uterus or remove it.  She does blame hormonal changes on this latest split with me somewhat, saying she "needs to find herself", needs to feel independent" etc.  She is selling this like an MLC, yet this weill be our 3rd major separation, 7 or so affairs endured by me and mountains of emotional to myself and my children, and physical abuse endured over 20 years to me.  I am not downplaying the effects of peri-menopause or menopause on a woman's mood, but she seems to forget she also has BPD, which is an inconvenient truth for her.

Watermark, your wife would have HPV that would then cause abnormal PAP results. Seven affairs would probably explain the HPV, which is an STD.

[prisonmike]

This may end up being the hardest thing I ever do.

you and me both. I'd rather go through basic training again than go through this