I wonder...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I wonder if you lie awake at night, like I do, unable to get you out of my head.

I wonder if you miss me, or if it really is that easy to delete me from your life as if I were nothing to you.

I wonder if you are ok.

I wonder if you'll ever drop this social media act like you have the perfect life and you couldn't be happier, when behind closed doors you secretly hate yourself and how empty and narcissistic your life is.

I wonder if you're still getting therapy. If you ever were. And what in the world you tell that therapist. I wonder if you've ever told anyone, myself included, the whole truth.

I wonder if you even give a spare thought to me, or my family, or anyone who has been left to pick up the pieces from your lies and your games and your savagely cruel decision to leave me when you'd broken me until I was no longer of use to you.

I wonder if you've moved on to your next victim.

I wonder if you'll ever be truly happy.

I wonder if I will be either.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust someone again after what you've done. I trusted you. I loved you. I gave you absolutely everything I had to give.

I wonder if I should wait and wait until everything feels 'better' or 'right' or if I should just crack on and make some decisions and move on with my life.

I wonder how I'm going to know when I'm ready to do those things. To relax. To laugh. To be happy. To not be looking over my shoulder or checking my phone all day to see if.you've messaged me. To date. To love. To find a life that isn't tainted by you.

I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling like I met an angel but the terms and conditions stated that to be with her I had to live in Hell.

I wonder if you'll ever care. If you'll ever stop loving me. Or if you ever even loved me in the first place.

I miss you. I'm so sorry that you have to suffer like this. I don't envy you. I'm sorry you felt like you had to do this to me.

I hope you get the help you need before it's too late.

X

[Ithoughtitwasrea]

I wonder if you lie awake at night, like I do, unable to get you out of my head.

I wonder if you miss me, or if it really is that easy to delete me from your life as if I were nothing to you.

I wonder if you are ok.

I wonder if you'll ever drop this social media act like you have the perfect life and you couldn't be happier, when behind closed doors you secretly hate yourself and how empty and narcissistic your life is.

I wonder if you're still getting therapy. If you ever were. And what in the world you tell that therapist. I wonder if you've ever told anyone, myself included, the whole truth.

I wonder if you even give a spare thought to me, or my family, or anyone who has been left to pick up the pieces from your lies and your games and your savagely cruel decision to leave me when you'd broken me until I was no longer of use to you.

I wonder if you've moved on to your next victim.

I wonder if you'll ever be truly happy.

I wonder if I will be either.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust someone again after what you've done. I trusted you. I loved you. I gave you absolutely everything I had to give.

I wonder if I should wait and wait until everything feels 'better' or 'right' or if I should just crack on and make some decisions and move on with my life.

I wonder how I'm going to know when I'm ready to do those things. To relax. To laugh. To be happy. To not be looking over my shoulder or checking my phone all day to see if.you've messaged me. To date. To love. To find a life that isn't tainted by you.

I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling like I met an angel but the terms and conditions stated that to be with her I had to live in Hell.

I wonder if you'll ever care. If you'll ever stop loving me. Or if you ever even loved me in the first place.

I miss you. I'm so sorry that you have to suffer like this. I don't envy you. I'm sorry you felt like you had to do this to me.

I hope you get the help you need before it's too late.

X

[Stripey77]

Perfect.

Is it a poem? It looks like one to me.

Every single line speaks to me.

[5tarla]

Wow. This could have been written by me, literally down to the wondering if she is still getting therapy or not and if she even tells her therapist the truth. Probably not.

[JerryRG]

Very nice Ithoughtitwasrea

This is very much how I felt, I so relate.

I dislike seeing others suffer and I hope you find peace soon.

Things do get better, I'm still struggling but I no longer blame myself for my exs choices. I hope she gets well but I need to save myself, I, you, we deserve anything other than the hell pwBPD live in.

I told my ex many times if I could do it all again I would have simply walked away. We share a beautiful son, she has made it impossible for my son and I to have any peace.

She will have to answer for her own choices, I don't wonder why pwBPD hate themselves, I would hate myself too if I treated people the way my ex treated me and others.

Pretty simple

[Fateful]

As the other posters mentioned, all these lines speak to me. While we all must have had varying experiences, there are some core thoughts and feelings that have been plaguing us all. This, too, shall pass. Wishing you well.

[semantics]

I wonder, too. Thank you for writing this, my own words are all torn out of me tonight.

I hope they wonder.

[GoingBack2OC]

Pretty much sums up exactly where I am, exactly where I've been, and how I feel.

Really thoughtful prose. Thanks for this. 

[Stripey77]

I also wonder this... .

'are you really ok with what you've done to me?'



I don't see how he can be. And that sums it up really.

[GoingBack2OC]

I also wonder this... .

'are you really ok with what you've done to me?'



I don't see how he can be. And that sums it up really.

I literally sent my ex that very question via text in the last day. I broke NC, I know--- I know. Going back NC. But I texted her:

How can you honestly be ok leaving things the way they are... .I accept it's over. I accept your decision to leave. But why after 5 years would you want your last words to me, while I was crying, saying I loved you, to be the cruel words you said.

I wonder how you can really go on, move on, and not be haunted by that.

I wonder.

[Peterpan]

It wonder if you know, I didn't want it to end and hope you understand how hurt I was and that was why I  did and said the things I did. I wonder if you know how much I love you and wish things could be different, how much I wish I could say goodnight to you every night, and how much I miss you every day.

I wonder how you felt when we passed each other on the road the other day and we locked eyes, neither of us knowing how the other was feeling.

I wonder if you wanted to stop the car and run to me as i did you,

And then I stop wondering and remember, if you wanted to contact me you would have found a way, if you loved me as you said you did you would have told me I was wrong and fought for me.

[Ithoughtitwasrea]

It wonder if you know, I didn't want it to end and hope you understand how hurt I was and that was why I  did and said the things I did. I wonder if you know how much I love you and wish things could be different, how much I wish I could say goodnight to you every night, and how much I miss you every day.

I wonder how you felt when we passed each other on the road the other day and we locked eyes, neither of us knowing how the other was feeling.

I wonder if you wanted to stop the car and run to me as i did you,

And then I stop wondering and remember, if you wanted to contact me you would have found a way, if you loved me as you said you did you would have told me I was wrong and fought for me.

I often day dream about that happening. The thought of Seeing her in the street or in a cafe brings a combination of utter dread and sheer longing that I can't even begin to explain.

I know it would be the worst idea in the world, but my god do I wish that she would knock on the door sometimes - stand there and tell me that this was all just a horrific nightmare and I could have that beautiful woman back in my life.

I know that will never happen.

And I know that the beautiful woman I remember was really just a mirage.

I know I don't have to explain to you guys how crippling that is. It breaks my heart.