Behind the curtain

[joeramabeme]

Hey All - I have been on a 3-week hiatus from this site.  Been wrestling with myself over the meaning of my life and truthfully still am.  Just thought it important to say hi again as I feel a little estranged. 

I have been seeing a new therapist (C). Per the urging of C, I have given up seeing my now former T (R).  I had always suspected R was off-base and that "something was not quite right".  Based on what I told C about R, C said she believes that R has been abusing me (C hypothesizes that R is angry). 

The abuse was coming in the form of "slips" and passing information to me about what my ex-wife was currently doing and saying while still presently in therapy with R.  Many of the "slips" of information revealed derogatory comments my ex was making about me such as, I was her "project" (there are more "slips" that I will not detail here). 

Former T (R) also told me that ex-wife is presently undergoing trauma therapy.  R was our marital T for 5 years.  I did EMDR with R per urging of my ex but my ex refused to do it even though she was coaxed many times to do so.  R and I discussed individually (during concurrent time of marital sessions) that ex's unwillingness to address trauma was one of the primary reasons the marriage was failing/failed.  R now telling me that my ex was presently undergoing trauma therapy got me excited and gave me false hope.  When I asked R, could this be the catalyst that will cause her to change (and want to re-engage), R quickly dismissed as not a likely outcome.  What the heck

Truthfully, I had been continuing to see R hoping she could "fix" my ex.  However, the reality is probably closer to; R is keeping my ex stuck and perhaps even manipulating her into believing that her ways of thinking are rational.  I suspect that R, who is never married and in her 60's, is simply incapable of having lasting intimate r/s' with opposite sex and may even have BPD tendencies as well.

Well, I really hope this is the end of the line.  I can't do anymore pulling back on the curtain.  I am thoroughly exhausted of life energy.  I have had the inclination to report R for unethical behavior but C has told me that it will keep me stuck and to just never go back, which I am going to follow that advice.

Not sure that I will be jumping back onto the site every day but am opening up my own curtain as it feels like a step in the right direction for me at this moment.

Thanks for listening.

JRB

[thisagain]

I'm so glad you got out of that situation, Joe! 

What are you thinking about when you're wrestling over the meaning of your life? I had a similar experience after the breakup, though maybe on a smaller scale. My relationship had been taking up all of my willpower and emotional energy. Once I started healing, I had the emotional space to do a lot of thinking about the kind of life I wanted to have. Am still a work-in-progress on moving toward that life 

What have you been working on with the new therapist, and what are your goals?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Joe (good title for a song!),  You did the right thing by finding a new therapist.  It's about boundaries, in my view, and your former T neglected to observe good boundaries by dropping hints about your Ex.  Now the issue is moot.  Good for you for moving on.  It's onwards and upwards from here! 

LuckyJim

[joeramabeme]

I'm so glad you got out of that situation, Joe! 

What are you thinking about when you're wrestling over the meaning of your life? I had a similar experience after the breakup, though maybe on a smaller scale. My relationship had been taking up all of my willpower and emotional energy. Once I started healing, I had the emotional space to do a lot of thinking about the kind of life I wanted to have. Am still a work-in-progress on moving toward that life 

What have you been working on with the new therapist, and what are your goals?

Thanks thisagain.

New T has told me that I don't need abusive women in my life and that I should see myself through my eyes and not through the eyes of others.  Both comments make sense and the last one was a real eye-opener (seriously, no pun intended). 

As for the abusive women comment; I suppose the more accurate statement is I don't need women with mixed messages; sugar and acid.  If it were straight out abuse I would have no problem leaving, but it's the 'I love you, get away from me' message that really traps me like a deer in the lights. 

I have been reflecting quite a bit as to whether or not I will ever be able to get past my unhealthy paradigm of attraction, as it was established in early childhood and has played out in all my friendships/relationships, both male and female.  I do not believe that something so deeply ingrained from childhood can be extricated from my relational psyche.  Rather, I imagine the best outcome is that both partners are aware of the predisposition to the paradigm and agree to work on it together, knowing it won't be perfect, but the answer to a successful r/s will lie in the handling of what is, rather than attempting to eliminate it.

[joeramabeme]

Hey Joe (good title for a song!),  You did the right thing by finding a new therapist.  It's about boundaries, in my view, and your former T neglected to observe good boundaries by dropping hints about your Ex.  Now the issue is moot.  Good for you for moving on.  It's onwards and upwards from here! 

LuckyJim

Thanks LuckyJim - Have to say that as soon as I made the decision to not go back to former T a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  Happy to have made the decision to move ahead with a decision - sometimes the process of deciding is the hardest part 

[thisagain]

I have been reflecting quite a bit as to whether or not I will ever be able to get past my unhealthy paradigm of attraction, as it was established in early childhood and has played out in all my friendships/relationships, both male and female.  I do not believe that something so deeply ingrained from childhood can be extricated from my relational psyche.  Rather, I imagine the best outcome is that both partners are aware of the predisposition to the paradigm and agree to work on it together, knowing it won't be perfect, but the answer to a successful r/s will lie in the handling of what is, rather than attempting to eliminate it.

Hmm. What is this paradigm? Is it being attracted to hot-and-cold, I-love-you-get-away types, or something else? How has it played out in your friendships?

You're definitely right that it's near impossible to fully shake off deeply ingrained patterns, and that a lot can be accomplished by being aware of the patterns. But is the pattern leading you to people who are healthy enough to be the other partner in the kind of relationship you describe? If you're only feeling attracted to highly disordered people, then I would worry that they may not be capable of that kind of open communication, acceptance, and flexibility.

P.S. can't say enough how happy for you I am about getting away from the former T 

[joeramabeme]

P.S. can't say enough how happy for you I am about getting away from the former T 

First off, thank you for this because it brought a smile to my face!   

Hmm. What is this paradigm? Is it being attracted to hot-and-cold, I-love-you-get-away types, or something else? How has it played out in your friendships?

Yes, after my time away from daily reading on BPD, I boiled it down to being attracted to mixed-messaging.  Particularly subtle messaging where the positive part is explicitly really clear and the opposing negative part is more obscure and typically implicit within the context of a conversation.  It is kind of like the explicit statement brings out all my trust and the implicit part leads to confusion where I cannot connect the logical parts - almost like an emotional short circuit where the implicit message is rife with an energy that shuts me down or cannot be processed at some level (think trauma). 

You're definitely right that it's near impossible to fully shake off deeply ingrained patterns, and that a lot can be accomplished by being aware of the patterns. But is the pattern leading you to people who are healthy enough to be the other partner in the kind of relationship you describe? If you're only feeling attracted to highly disordered people, then I would worry that they may not be capable of that kind of open communication, acceptance, and flexibility.

Now that I know this paradigm I recognize it as never before.  I am even able to keep friendships that have the paradigm and set my boundaries where they belong.  Since the short circuiting is no longer occurring, I can handle their objections to my boundaries.  I don't get confused with logic that sounds like; I did this favor for you so of course I like you even if I am currently treating you poorly.

Thanks thisagain.  Would like to hear whatever your response is... .

JRB