When They Break No Contact (NC) and Play the Game

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello All,

My ex and I broke up again (shocker). Well, we weren't even dating at her request, but now she won't talk to me. She's completely painted me back due to the boundaries that I began setting up. I laid some ground rules to how I would be treated, and she couldn't take it. She decided to get her attention elsewhere, and it's painful, but it's reality I guess.

Anyway, after this past "break up" SHE initiated no contact. I was hurt, begged for her not to do this, to give me another chance (I lost control and gave in), etc. Then I didn't call her back after that. I have done a lot to help myself these past 10 days of not talking. The longest we ever went without talking before was 5 days. I am seeing a therapist, I have been going out with friends, and good healthy things of that nature.

I unfollowed her on all social media but she still follows me. I have posted about all the fun I have had this weekend, which is true and I did not do that to get her attention, and the day after, which would be day 9 of NC, she called me in the middle of my therapy appointment (I did not answer), then called my best friend to return some of my things. When she initiated NC, I asked for my things back, and she would not return them at all. Now after I've been having fun she wants to return them? I feel like she is trying to suck me back in.

What are your thoughts? I haven't called her back, and I've told me best friend not to pick her calls. All help is truly appreciated.

[Saradane]

Hello All,

My ex and I broke up again (shocker). Well, we weren't even dating at her request, but now she won't talk to me. She's completely painted me back due to the boundaries that I began setting up. I laid some ground rules to how I would be treated, and she couldn't take it. She decided to get her attention elsewhere, and it's painful, but it's reality I guess.

Anyway, after this past "break up" SHE initiated no contact. I was hurt, begged for her not to do this, to give me another chance (I lost control and gave in), etc. Then I didn't call her back after that. I have done a lot to help myself these past 10 days of not talking. The longest we ever went without talking before was 5 days. I am seeing a therapist, I have been going out with friends, and good healthy things of that nature.

I unfollowed her on all social media but she still follows me. I have posted about all the fun I have had this weekend, which is true and I did not do that to get her attention, and the day after, which would be day 9 of NC, she called me in the middle of my therapy appointment (I did not answer), then called my best friend to return some of my things. When she initiated NC, I asked for my things back, and she would not return them at all. Now after I've been having fun she wants to return them? I feel like she is trying to suck me back in.

What are your thoughts? I haven't called her back, and I've told me best friend not to pick her calls. All help is truly appreciated.

[duncsvoice]

Now after I've been having fun she wants to return them? I feel like she is trying to suck me back in.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That is exactly how it panned out for me. My ex came to collect some things, I was really relaxed, seemed happy, I'd lost weight and was in a good place. She hated it, but somehow I held my nerve and resisted her little pot shots.

She came up again a few days later for another swing at me with a different tactic, this time was incredibly affectionate towards, and it worked. She got me back in her claws. As soon as she realised she'd got me, then she was nasty again. My attention wasn't on her anymore, even though she left me and was seeing someone else, the narcissist in her wouldn't allow me to be happy without her.

My advice? Keep having fun. Is the stuff you need essential? Can it be easily replaced? Block her on social media, block her numbers, don't give her an inch. Keep going to your therapist (I have been, and it feels really good). Good luck to you my friend, I went through the same just a couple of weeks ago, and I feel infinitely better having made the decision to completely cut her from my life.

[Confused108]

Yea she is trying to recycle you. They are very cleaver and sly. Cunning to say the least. My ex before I knew anything about BPD told me she would call her "ex" husband and tell him she was scarred and he would come over her house. And I think after awhile he got smart to himself and cut her lose. Then she told me she would call her ex boyfriend and pull the same $hit on him as well. My ex Loved to play "the victim" ! As she was hooking me again she told me disgusting lies about how her brother and his friend molested her and her ex that I spoke of above raped her. She even went as far as to block both of them off her FB page when we started. Well after she ended things early last Sept guess who's back on her FB page? Yep her brother and ex boyfriend. Oh and BTW I found out thru a mutual friend that it was al lies!  So if I were you do NOt let this Vampire back into your life. It won't end well!

[Infern0]

My experience with mine throughout several recycles has been

After each break up, a little bit of NC (varies from a couple of days to a couple of months) then she starts to try and figure me out (either through stalking or asking mutual friends)

If I am depressed or not doing well, she continues NC

If I am happy and recovering well, she breaks NC, and attempts to recycle (which usually i've gone through with) all the way back to breaking up again.

So i would say that in your case she is looking for a recycle.

[once removed]

saradane,

it strikes me that maybe some of your approach is playing with hard and fast "rules" like "NC" and misunderstanding the concept of boundaries. as well, a relationship recycle takes two.

i sense a lot of anxiety which is understandable, and it may help to get some clarity, as well as clarify your goals.

"No Contact" the Right Way and the Wrong Way

my advice? take the contact at face value, determine whether or not you want your things back.

[HarleypsychRN]

No contact is the only way... .

No calls (sending or receiving), emails, looking at their FB, listen to your romantic song the two of you shared, answering emails, texts. It is what it implied NO CONTACT.

It's tough, it hurts, it sucks, you think you will die... .but you don't... .it gets easier. Let time do it's work. Read, grow, heal.

"The calendar changes, they don't"- Unknown

[steelwork]

my advice? take the contact at face value, determine whether or not you want your things back.

This is good advice!

I mean, if you are reading into the contact, what is it you're looking for and why?

In other words, where are you with detaching?

Are you parsing her words and deeds because understanding her better will help you detach, or are you looking for information that will help you get back together with her? Or are you still kind of figuring it all out?

[zeus123]

For the borderline, it's not the one who loved them more or best that stands out~ it's the one they couldn't control and conquer. Decide to be the exception. Stay ZERO contact with the BPDex...

[troisette]

Your comment really hit home Zeus. It hadn't occurred to me before.

I've just posted on the "Not Painting Black" thread and although my comments resonate, I hadn't realised I was describing just that.

My ex did not control and conquer me and has no idea of the misery my involvement with him caused. However, recent brief contact with him leads me to think that he was testing the water by brief but deliberate hand brushing.

Thanks, you have made me more wary and more aware.

[Bushido]

No contact is the only way... .

No calls (sending or receiving), emails, looking at their FB, listen to your romantic song the two of you shared, answering emails, texts. It is what it implied NO CONTACT.

It's tough, it hurts, it sucks, you think you will die... .but you don't... .it gets easier. Let time do it's work. Read, grow, heal.

"The calendar changes, they don't"- Unknown

good point... .

... if only we didn´t have kids and the contact that is unavoidable...    

[Saradane]

my advice? take the contact at face value, determine whether or not you want your things back.

This is good advice!

I mean, if you are reading into the contact, what is it you're looking for and why?

In other words, where are you with detaching?

Are you parsing her words and deeds because understanding her better will help you detach, or are you looking for information that will help you get back together with her? Or are you still kind of figuring it all out?

I'm still trying to figure it out honesetly. I want to just get over her, but I'm codependent and it's not that easy.

[steelwork]

I'm still trying to figure it out honesetly. I want to just get over her, but I'm codependent and it's not that easy.

It sure ain't.

I hope you didn't take that as judgment, because (for all the NC pep talks) I don't think anyone here wants to judge anyone for being conflicted. We have been there. An ever-smaller part of my heart still wants to get back with my ex. Not long ago it was most of my heart that wanted him back, and I spent the better part of a year combing every scrap of information for clues as to whether that might happen.

We're in different stages of detachment here, but to one degree or another we are all like bloodhounds, trying to pick up a scent of whatever it is we desire at our given stage. Maybe you're looking for signs that it isn't over? Apparently I'm in a stage where I really desire an end to hope.

[hopealways]

my advice? take the contact at face value, determine whether or not you want your things back.

This is good advice!

I mean, if you are reading into the contact, what is it you're looking for and why?

In other words, where are you with detaching?

Are you parsing her words and deeds because understanding her better will help you detach, or are you looking for information that will help you get back together with her? Or are you still kind of figuring it all out?

I'm still trying to figure it out honesetly. I want to just get over her, but I'm codependent and it's not that easy.

How can anyone take what a BPD says at face value? Obviously we want our things back, but not if it means more drama. So we can't take it at face value and must analyze the pros and cons.  It's not that simple. Neither is setting boundaries. The only boundary that works with a BPD is the ultimate boundary of NC.

[londons]

hi, just about to go to sleep, but needed one more log in to help me get through the night and into the morning.  i asked my bp husband to leave our home mid January, after 9 years of being together (im strong and kind, but the lies and deceit surpassed all my good traits). it was to be a separation for us, allowing him to self reflect, attend meetings, think about consequences and get professional help. well i guess the space i gave him was too much grey area for him to handle, so a week ago i got a text telling me    i    have    been    replaced   and   he    loved    her     very    much    OUCH!    these last 3 months have felt like 30 years- 30 years of crying in a fetal position! its just too much... .someone above said you think youre going to die... .i agree. anyway, after that horrifying, heart breaking text,  my daughter fixed my fancy flip phone so he could NOT text/call me, nor i to him (smart kid).  but he can still e mail me, and if im to have nc, i better get him off that before he sees that my replacement doesnt measure up to me (kidding) and tries to send me a message. seriously, is there a way to block THAT option? as much as i want to hear from him and miss him, it is also taking everything in me to not e mail him a note or two... .  my birthday is friday, and i will be depressed if he doesnt e mail me, and in trouble if he does cuz i will fall in love in seconds, going to a place i never want to be again - his domain.  so... .blocking e mails? is there a way?  i am thinking i will have to change my e mail address.  when does this end? how and why would i want someone back that cheated on me?  that is not like me AT ALL.   i feel like i have been brainwashed,  i know there is an addiction here, but to what?  the process of attempting to build him a "normal" brain?    my "e mail" question turned into 6 other questions! night night, and thank you.

[Caley]

Hi Saradane,

Establishing, defining and maintaining a new set of personal boundaries, in a relationship where you have shown weak, too flexible or non-existent ones in the past, almost always is not a cure all to make things better.

People with a predisposition to emotionally abuse are consummate boundary busters and will see your new found strength as a challenge. They will then test to see how strong and how serious you are about maintaining them.

After your break up, and after you had enforced some 'hard and fast ground rules', she reconnected with you and you 'begged'. This shows her that you weren't serious about the boundaries you had set. The subtle irony is ... this tells her you're still a little weak on what you will and will not accept. To her it means she cannot rely on you doing what you say you will do if treated poorly. So, she cannot trust you. Trust issues exist on both sides of the fence.

You then went NC and she contacted you again (to 'discuss' possessions). Again, testing your resolve after removing the attachment social media provides. When she couldn't directly get to you, she chose a back door option, through your friend, to get you to react and deal directly with her.

You should decide whether you need or want your possessions back. And, if you don't you could send her a 'final contact' email along the lines of the following. It's important that you follow it to the letter ... it is important to show no emotional content:

Dear (his/her name),

Y'now what? I'm not happy with the way things are between us. Things started out great but suddenly changed drastically.

This is not the kind of relationship that I envisioned for myself. It isn't good for me. In fact it became quite detrimental. I will not be involved in this any longer.

You have my permission to do what you want with my possessions ... I don't need them. (or, make arrangements for a friend to collect them ... but don't become embroiled into discussing issues with her ... keep that arrangement businesslike).

If you read back through the letter ... you will see that the focus is on you and showing her that you are putting your well-being before hers (which you need to do in future relationships ... always). You will also see that it is void of any emotion and doesn't ask for a response. Any response from her should be discarded.

If she is of the malignant type you can expect a huge drive, on her part, to engage you and re-engage you for some time yet. But, with sustained effort to stick to NC ... her attempts will diminish ... but you will need to be very, very strong and committed to fighting your own conditioning which will work against you.

If she is benign in nature she will soon leave you alone because she lacks the energy to sustain a prolonged campaign. She'll need attention and move on to more 'attention giving' sources.

Ultimately, Saradene, regardless of the advice you will get here or anywhere else, you will involve yourself with her and her type until you've had enough of feeling that you've had enough.

There is some compensation that you can always come back here for chinks and repairs and for non-judgmental support.

Best wishes,

Caley.

[once removed]

my advice? take the contact at face value, determine whether or not you want your things back.

This is good advice!

I mean, if you are reading into the contact, what is it you're looking for and why?

In other words, where are you with detaching?

Are you parsing her words and deeds because understanding her better will help you detach, or are you looking for information that will help you get back together with her? Or are you still kind of figuring it all out?

I'm still trying to figure it out honesetly. I want to just get over her, but I'm codependent and it's not that easy.

How can anyone take what a BPD says at face value?

... .The only boundary that works with a BPD is the ultimate boundary of NC.

if you have that black and white an attitude about an entire group of millions of people, it is harder.

Obviously we want our things back, but not if it means more drama. So we can't take it at face value and must analyze the pros and cons.  It's not that simple. Neither is setting boundaries. 

taking it at face value means not reading into it what we want to read into it, like an attempt to suck us back in. boundaries mean that we cant be sucked back in - unless we want to be.

[Saradane]

Hi Saradane,

Establishing, defining and maintaining a new set of personal boundaries, in a relationship where you have shown weak, too flexible or non-existent ones in the past, almost always is not a cure all to make things better.

People with a predisposition to emotionally abuse are consummate boundary busters and will see your new found strength as a challenge. They will then test to see how strong and how serious you are about maintaining them.

After your break up, and after you had enforced some 'hard and fast ground rules', she reconnected with you and you 'begged'. This shows her that you weren't serious about the boundaries you had set. The subtle irony is ... this tells her you're still a little weak on what you will and will not accept. To her it means she cannot rely on you doing what you say you will do if treated poorly. So, she cannot trust you. Trust issues exist on both sides of the fence.

You then went NC and she contacted you again (to 'discuss' possessions). Again, testing your resolve after removing the attachment social media provides. When she couldn't directly get to you, she chose a back door option, through your friend, to get you to react and deal directly with her.

You should decide whether you need or want your possessions back. And, if you don't you could send her a 'final contact' email along the lines of the following. It's important that you follow it to the letter ... it is important to show no emotional content:

Dear (his/her name),

Y'now what? I'm not happy with the way things are between us. Things started out great but suddenly changed drastically.

This is not the kind of relationship that I envisioned for myself. It isn't good for me. In fact it became quite detrimental. I will not be involved in this any longer.

You have my permission to do what you want with my possessions ... I don't need them. (or, make arrangements for a friend to collect them ... but don't become embroiled into discussing issues with her ... keep that arrangement businesslike).

If you read back through the letter ... you will see that the focus is on you and showing her that you are putting your well-being before hers (which you need to do in future relationships ... always). You will also see that it is void of any emotion and doesn't ask for a response. Any response from her should be discarded.

If she is of the malignant type you can expect a huge drive, on her part, to engage you and re-engage you for some time yet. But, with sustained effort to stick to NC ... her attempts will diminish ... but you will need to be very, very strong and committed to fighting your own conditioning which will work against you.

If she is benign in nature she will soon leave you alone because she lacks the energy to sustain a prolonged campaign. She'll need attention and move on to more 'attention giving' sources.

Ultimately, Saradene, regardless of the advice you will get here or anywhere else, you will involve yourself with her and her type until you've had enough of feeling that you've had enough.

There is some compensation that you can always come back here for chinks and repairs and for non-judgmental support.

Best wishes,

Caley.

I see what you mean by the letter focusing on me. Unfortunatly, I don't feel strong enough contacting her right now. It's only been two weeks NC today, so I'm still not there yet. I want to wait at least a month until I reach out to her or until she reaches out to me.

I've been going through this HUGE internal struggle on whether or not to take her back or to completely let go. It's so hard an so painful, Idk what to do. I started out by not wanting to continue this dance, but now I'm barley strong enough for NC.

[zeus123]

Hi Saradane, you say that: "she decided to get her attention elsewhere", does she have a replacement(narcissistic supply) already?