Thought I could stay strong, not quite ready

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The last few months have been turbulent, to say the least.  So many silent treatments and rages, I've lost track.

One week ago, after he had given me the silent treatment for 12 days, we were just getting back on track.  I thought.  But somehow I managed to trigger him again, he had his rage and stormed off leaving me while we were out for dinner.  Wrecking another night.

Something inside me snapped.  I felt a calmness within myself.  I have been down this road so many time, he wasn't even triggering my abandonment issues anymore!

The next day, after a lot of thought, I just felt I couldn't keep participating this drama. His dramatic storm outs and leaving me, then ignoring me for however long he was angry at me.  I sent him a text message.  I wasn't going to get into a text war with him.  I was kind and just said that I couldn't take anymore of this.  That I loved him and wanted the best for him, but I can't keep doing this, the lows are destroying me.  I said I was sorry to break up via text.

I felt a good that I had made a decision for myself.  To strengthen my decision, I admitted to my family some of the worst things he has done to me.  I had always said to myself, it would not be until I had broken it off with him, that I would tell my family the whole truth.  So, now I have told them, also my daughter some of his abusive behavior.

They are all very supportive.

This was a week ago!

I have never done this before.  I have never been to the point where I knew I could walk away. 

The last few silent treatments from him, have given me strength to know that I can be ok.  I'm not sure if that is the detaching we talk about, but the more he has walked away and gone silent, has hardened my heart against the hurt.

He has sent me a few text messages this week.

The first one, after I said we were over was quite a blaming text towards me and projecting his behaviors onto me.

When I responded I didn't address his perception, I just stated what had happened to push me to make this decision.

A couple of days later he texted again.  He said he knew he had been all over the place and that he had seen a doctor and started meds.

Then yesterday he texted me and said he hoped we could talk.  He said he hoped we could salvage our relationship and that he knew he needed help.

I did text back today, I said that I did want us to talk, but that I didn't think we could sort this out and make the changes needed for that to happen.  He replied a really long message, saying how alone he feels without me, how happy I make him and he wishes every morning I was in his arms.

I feel so sad.  I also feel very alone without him. 

I know I'm going to see him.  My family and best friend will be so disappointed in me, especially my daughter.

I just don't know if there really is any hope that he can make the changes needed for us to survive together.  I don't think Meds is enough. 

I need to have some boundaries in my mind before I meet up with him.  I need to make sure I'm clear on what I need.  I find it very hard to talk to him usually.  That's because anything I usually bring up will cause a rage and the storming out on me, followed by the silent treatment.  So that does shut me down.  I do tend to keep my feelings to myself.  I've read so much on here how counselling hasn't worked.  I was thinking that was what we needed.  To learn how to communicate with each other.

Any advice is appreciated.

[DreamerGirl]

The last few months have been turbulent, to say the least.  So many silent treatments and rages, I've lost track.

One week ago, after he had given me the silent treatment for 12 days, we were just getting back on track.  I thought.  But somehow I managed to trigger him again, he had his rage and stormed off leaving me while we were out for dinner.  Wrecking another night.

Something inside me snapped.  I felt a calmness within myself.  I have been down this road so many time, he wasn't even triggering my abandonment issues anymore!

The next day, after a lot of thought, I just felt I couldn't keep participating this drama. His dramatic storm outs and leaving me, then ignoring me for however long he was angry at me.  I sent him a text message.  I wasn't going to get into a text war with him.  I was kind and just said that I couldn't take anymore of this.  That I loved him and wanted the best for him, but I can't keep doing this, the lows are destroying me.  I said I was sorry to break up via text.

I felt a good that I had made a decision for myself.  To strengthen my decision, I admitted to my family some of the worst things he has done to me.  I had always said to myself, it would not be until I had broken it off with him, that I would tell my family the whole truth.  So, now I have told them, also my daughter some of his abusive behavior.

They are all very supportive.

This was a week ago!

I have never done this before.  I have never been to the point where I knew I could walk away. 

The last few silent treatments from him, have given me strength to know that I can be ok.  I'm not sure if that is the detaching we talk about, but the more he has walked away and gone silent, has hardened my heart against the hurt.

He has sent me a few text messages this week.

The first one, after I said we were over was quite a blaming text towards me and projecting his behaviors onto me.

When I responded I didn't address his perception, I just stated what had happened to push me to make this decision.

A couple of days later he texted again.  He said he knew he had been all over the place and that he had seen a doctor and started meds.

Then yesterday he texted me and said he hoped we could talk.  He said he hoped we could salvage our relationship and that he knew he needed help.

I did text back today, I said that I did want us to talk, but that I didn't think we could sort this out and make the changes needed for that to happen.  He replied a really long message, saying how alone he feels without me, how happy I make him and he wishes every morning I was in his arms.

I feel so sad.  I also feel very alone without him. 

I know I'm going to see him.  My family and best friend will be so disappointed in me, especially my daughter.

I just don't know if there really is any hope that he can make the changes needed for us to survive together.  I don't think Meds is enough. 

I need to have some boundaries in my mind before I meet up with him.  I need to make sure I'm clear on what I need.  I find it very hard to talk to him usually.  That's because anything I usually bring up will cause a rage and the storming out on me, followed by the silent treatment.  So that does shut me down.  I do tend to keep my feelings to myself.  I've read so much on here how counselling hasn't worked.  I was thinking that was what we needed.  To learn how to communicate with each other.

Any advice is appreciated.

[livednlearned]

Hi DreamerGirl,

I'm replying by phone so apologies in advance for any typos.

What do you think about writing a list of the things that he does that hurt you or cause discomfort? Clarifying these hurts will help define the underlying values and then boundaries you want to enforce. Since he is in a tender cycle, it may also be a good time to state clearly how you will assert boundaries to protect yourself when he violates them.

About your family and friends... .you are fortunate to have their love and concerns and they now understand the depth of abuse you have experienced. Their concern is probably justified and what may alleviate their worries is if you details your boundaries and how you plan to assert them. It may also be helpful to give them supporting roles so that they understand clearly what kind of support you want when you falter.

What will hurt them (and potentially diminish their support) is if you hide your actions or protect your BPD by not sharing what he does. It's possible they may illicit feels nags of shame in you and that may make you want to take things underground. Do you have a plan for yourself to help keep light shining on this new development? That may reassure them and build trust so they don't grow frustrated with something they may not fully understand.

[DreamerGirl]

Hi livednlearned,

Thank you for your response,

I had never thought about him being in a tender cycle, but yes, how accurate.

I agree with you about being honest.  I really felt like keeping this a secret, but I knew to have a chance making this work, I needed to be honest with everyone even though  I knew they would be bitterly disappointed that I have given him another chance, again.

So, even though he has been shaken up by my setting boundaries and expressing my needs and deal breakers, it hasn't really changed anything.  He was on his best behavior for a week and now has slipped back to his normal.  I'm disappointed in myself.

The saying "actions speak louder than words" resonate with me right now.

He is amazing at expressing his feelings and making me believe his version of the fairy-tale of our love. All the dreams we both have, the future we have, everything that will happen for us.  But as soon as I question our future plans or his promises, he goes silent or gets angry.   In  our four years together, nothing really has changed.  We are still on the same page!  No growth of our relationship.  He will possibly never change.  Why do I keep believing him?

I feel so disappointed in myself at the moment.  How many times does it take to see what they say doesn't match what they mean.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DreamerGirl,  What would you like to see happen?  Are you hoping for another recycle?  Do you want to move on?  I'm uncertain after reading your posts.  Maybe you are uncertain?  If so, that's OK.  The one question I have is this: if you decide that you want to try again with him, what makes you think it will go differently this time? 

LuckyJim

[DreamerGirl]

Hi Lucky Jim,

I'm back into another recycle.  I think I'm definitely in uncertainty when I go back each time.

I want to believe in him.  This time I am/was hoping it would be different because he has started some medication which seems to have taken the edge of his anger. 

But, I feel disillusioned again today.  He had a mini rage at me on the weekend.  I dared to question where he was parking the car.  I asked him, the day after his rage whether he was still taking the medication.  At first he got angry again and said that wasn't why he blew up at me.  In his mind it's always my fault, or whoever it is that causes his rage.  But he said to me that he had run out of the medication and would get another script this week.

I would like to believe that he will take the medication, but I have doubts, based on past behavior.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm sorry, Dreamer, to hear what you are going through.  I can relate, as I was the object of my BPDxW's rages for many years.  The odd thing about BPD, in my experience, is that those suffering from BPD at some fundamental level don't want to be helped.  You could say that this is characteristic of the disorder.  Of course it's your fault, from the perspective of the person w/BPD.  For a long time, I actually believed that I was to blame (way before I knew anything about BPD).  I can't tell you what to do, though I will suggest that you listen to your gut feelings.  Pay attention to your needs and try to figure out what is the right path for you, is my advice.

LuckyJim

[Cmjo]

You do sound very strong and you write so articulately. Its OK if you are not sure what to do, but YOU are moving in the right direction to understand it, and yo understand your own reaction to it. It could take a few more years of you trying. I know you must feel guilty telling people about the abuse and then seeming to go back to it, but no one knows until they are in the sitaution themselves. You can tell them you know he needs help and you dont want to abandon him, you want to give him another chance.  All of us hold out hope they will become what we want them and need them to be. And judging by the success stories I read some can get better with cbt therapy. Personally I am doubtful that meds have a long term effect.

How old is your daughter? I take it she is not his child? You have two children to look after in this situation, my choice is always to put the actual children first, it is not our responsibility to parent the person who is supposed to be our adult partner.

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you Lucky Jim and Cmjo,

I appreciate your thoughts, very much and you have both given me valuable information to process.

The cycle of his on and off  toward me over the last few months has really worn me down, but it has also strengthened me.  When this first started happening, he was triggering my abandonment issues which bought out so much hurt, but I have noticed I have become numb to his behavior recently.

It's so hard to admit to myself or anyone else I'm in or have been in an abusive relationship, as we all know.  I still question it and google "abusive relationship" to see if I am really am in one.  I know I am, but I guess I just haven't wanted to believe it.

Cmjo I think I'm strong on the outside but on the inside not as much.  I've let him control so much of me, and now to assert myself and set boundaries has really rocked the boat.  He is not happy with me or my boundaries.  We broke up a few weeks ago due to his silent treatment.  He promised me things would change and I believed him.

It was very short lived, 3 weeks at the most.  I knew I had triggered him a week or so ago, when I was trying to get ready for work and he wanted to get intimate.  He had no work and he has a zero care factor for anybody that has responsibilities.  I was worried and I tried to be loving as I stated I needed to get ready for work, but he took that as a rejection.  So he gave me the passive aggressive silent treatment.  I just think I can't do it anymore.  He has worn me down too much.

I lost hope after this last one.  I had hoped the Medication was going to be the magic key.  But he also told me he has stopped taking that as well.  I feel like I have no future with him.  Love is not enough.

[Lucky Jim]

It's so hard to admit to myself or anyone else I'm in or have been in an abusive relationship, as we all know.  I still question it and google "abusive relationship" to see if I am really am in one.  I know I am, but I guess I just haven't wanted to believe it.

Right, it's embarrassing and seemingly shameful to be the victim of abuse, particularly for a male like me.  It's sort of a dark, dirty secret that no one wants to admit.  Yet I think giving voice to your victimhood is important, because letting the clear light of day in is what is needed to see the reality of abuse.

You're doing well, Dreamer, so hang in there.

LuckyJim

[DreamerGirl]

 Lucky Jim thank you. 

I feel so ashamed and so disappointed and angry at myself to keep accepting this.  I do feel like I'm keeping a dirty secret from most people who know me.  Actually from everyone.  I have been the most honest with my daughter and sister but when they keep seeing me go back to him, after everything, they lose faith in me and my word.  And I can't trust myself either, because I keep taking him back.  It's like my word, which I used to value, is now dependent on him. 

I know this has to do with me now, with why I keep letting this man. who can't even live a normal decent life, continue to influence my feelings and decisions. Why he means this much to me.  I hope I can work this out.   I feel so stupid because I can see how he keeps playing me and I think each time we get back together it will be better and he will have realized that we need to make changes... .

[somuch]

DG, you are telling my story. My BPDH and I are separated because of his physical abuse. Some of my people know what has been happening (including my daughter). And I know they have been upset with me because I have continued to try to work through this with him. He doesn't put his hands on me anymore but he still rages at me via text or face-to-face. How do they know just what to say that feels like a dagger of shame into your heart? The last rage was over a week ago and I told him to stop contacting me. I haven't heard from him since Wednesday last week and my stupid broken heart misses him so much. As awful as he is, he can be that wonderful too. Guess that is what keeps us hopping into the boiling water. I haven't made any moves yet. Like you, I have told a few people about what has been happening as a way to help me keep perspective. But I just miss him and just keep waiting for my heart to use some logic.

[DreamerGirl]

Hi somuch,

Welcome.  I totally understand your situation.  

I know my stupid broken heart does exactly the same as yours.  No matter how logical this is to our brain, our heart is in love with them.  

I walk on eggshells always, I try to keep the peace so that we don't have the explosions and silent treatment and breakups.  But inevitably I will do or say something, usually something I have no idea about, that will trigger him to either rage at me, or worse really, be passive aggressive and then give me the silent treatment for days, sometimes weeks even.  I never contact him when he does this.  I wait for him too.  He always does, but I hate how this has become a pattern.  he knows I will take him back, no matter how bad he treated me.  Where is my self respect, I often ask myself this.  My family and the most important person, my daugher, cannot understand.  But neither can I.  This is something deeply rooted inside me.  I seem to associate pain and longing, with love.  :)efinitely childhood issues, and I'm not sure if I can fix them.  

We are in the honeymoon stage, again.  I am painted white as a snow flake.  I love the feeling.  I agree, they can be so horrible, but it's how wonderful and loving they can be, which keeps us loving them.  

I know how much you miss him.  Mine has been physical once with me, but abusive in so many other ways as well.  It's hard, I know, but please try to keep at least a boundary about any physical violence.  You mean the world to your daughter and she will always need you.  He has no right to physically hurt you.