Rough day

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's only early and that helpless empty feeling that only someone who was involved with a BPD knows what I'm feeling. Distance, this board and therapy help me greatly but empty days do creep in. This is one of those days. The pain of so many issues with no closure and the pain of the discard. Although I was separated from BPD for several years, I still held out hope, gave everything I had to keep us as a family, only to be treated so cold. Years of my life gone, given to ex BPD, and her knowing all along she was never letting me in. I'm mad at my self bc I was so gullible. She new I wanted a family and she new she was never going to give it to me. I remember telling her how much I loved her and how happy I was I would not be alone, I shared my fear of being alone, with no one to share my life with. She sure brought that one up to me a lot, it's like it was her pleasure to crush me. The final discard of many was 9 months ago. One day we were together and in the blink of an eye, she was with another man and a few months later he was living with her and s9. It baffles me as to what I did, anything she says to me is dirty, rotten, mean, like I'm a defect of nature. It's hard to believe they can get meaner. I'm very empathic and soft hearted so it is difficult for me to wrap my brains around this kind of behavour. Everything she didn't give to me she is giving to her BF. It's difficult to accept that I was always so devalued and discarded and little to no idealization phase and her BF is totally idealized, she is very happy, in love. I never question s9 about his mothers relationship, but he tells me how much they carry on and have fun and do things together. I do feel she just never wanted me but why all the emotional and mental abuse why not just say, years ago your a good guy but this isn't going to work, instead of beating me into a mental pulp.

[bus boy]

It's only early and that helpless empty feeling that only someone who was involved with a BPD knows what I'm feeling. Distance, this board and therapy help me greatly but empty days do creep in. This is one of those days. The pain of so many issues with no closure and the pain of the discard. Although I was separated from BPD for several years, I still held out hope, gave everything I had to keep us as a family, only to be treated so cold. Years of my life gone, given to ex BPD, and her knowing all along she was never letting me in. I'm mad at my self bc I was so gullible. She new I wanted a family and she new she was never going to give it to me. I remember telling her how much I loved her and how happy I was I would not be alone, I shared my fear of being alone, with no one to share my life with. She sure brought that one up to me a lot, it's like it was her pleasure to crush me. The final discard of many was 9 months ago. One day we were together and in the blink of an eye, she was with another man and a few months later he was living with her and s9. It baffles me as to what I did, anything she says to me is dirty, rotten, mean, like I'm a defect of nature. It's hard to believe they can get meaner. I'm very empathic and soft hearted so it is difficult for me to wrap my brains around this kind of behavour. Everything she didn't give to me she is giving to her BF. It's difficult to accept that I was always so devalued and discarded and little to no idealization phase and her BF is totally idealized, she is very happy, in love. I never question s9 about his mothers relationship, but he tells me how much they carry on and have fun and do things together. I do feel she just never wanted me but why all the emotional and mental abuse why not just say, years ago your a good guy but this isn't going to work, instead of beating me into a mental pulp.

[WoundedBibi]

but why all the emotional and mental abuse why not just say, years ago your a good guy but this isn't going to work, instead of beating me into a mental pulp.

To be able to say "this relationship isn't working" you need to be able to be self reflective. She isn't able to look at herself. She is mentally ill.

To be able to say "this relationship isn't working" you need to understand who you are. She has no clue who she is. She is mentally ill.

To be able to say "this relationship isn't working" you need to be able to think and behave as an adult. She cannot. On the inside she is 3. Or 6. Or 9. Perhaps even 16. But not an adult. She is mentally ill.

The mental and emotional abuse goes with being near a pwBPD. The nearer you are the more abused you will get.

[bus boy]

Thank you for those words. This board is all about helping. You nailed it good. Any type of a disagreement was met with terrible sarcasm, saying mean hurtful things, verbal threats of violence. Before I ever heard of PD's, I would think, wow, she is acting like a 9 year old. So strange, she is from the outside looking in, a very together person, no one would ever believe me if I told the outside world what she was like behind closed doors. The first time I saw this I was confused but became trained very fast.

[WoundedBibi]

Thank you for those words. This board is all about helping. You nailed it good. Any type of a disagreement was met with terrible sarcasm, saying mean hurtful things, verbal threats of violence. Before I ever heard of PD's, I would think, wow, she is acting like a 9 year old. So strange, she is from the outside looking in, a very together person, no one would ever believe me if I told the outside world what she was like behind closed doors. The first time I saw this I was confused but became trained very fast.

You need to understand she never meant for this relationship to be abussive either. You were going to save her from her inner pain. Until she realized subconsciously you couldn't. Then the devaluation started and the abuse. She can't stop herself from doing that.

[bus boy]

She must be in great pain. She will look you straight in the eye and tell you, don't know what your talking about, that never happened. When ex BPD's niece tried to commit suicide, I asked ex BPD if she would like to talk about it. She got vicious mad at me, called me down, belittled me, made me feel like 2 cents. As much as I was there for ex BPD she always said I was never there for her, very confusing. Push you away and make a situation happen that you weren't there for her and throw it in your face. Bring up horrible things and say mean things about my family. Being from a small community, I know what went on in her family, I know the pain she carries but when I would try to get close it was met with rath.

[WoundedBibi]

She must be in great pain. She will look you straight in the eye and tell you, don't know what your talking about, that never happened. When ex BPD's niece tried to commit suicide, I asked ex BPD if she would like to talk about it. She got vicious mad at me, called me down, belittled me, made me feel like 2 cents. As much as I was there for ex BPD she always said I was never there for her, very confusing. Push you away and make a situation happen that you weren't there for her and throw it in your face. Bring up horrible things and say mean things about my family. Being from a small community, I know what went on in her family, I know the pain she carries but when I would try to get close it was met with rath.

Yes, she is in a lot of pain. By now, so are you.

You didn't cause her BPD, you can't control her BPD, you can't cure her BPD.

All you can do is heal your own pain and control your own healing.

[bus boy]

I am working very hard on my self. I do feel sad for ex BPD very often but my feelings of love for her are all gone, that really helped me let go. I still tend to blame my self for things Bc I wasn't perfect. Even my father, hard core old schooler, said to me the other day that he feels bad for ex BPD, he said she is living with a lot of pain. I often wonder if the way she made me feel was the pain that she felt. Besides threats of violence, she always threatened to leave, never resolve. We were ordered to councelling, she was crying, agreed to go, social services was going to keep tabs on us, I went to make the phone call for councelling and her tears dried up that fast, she looked at me with an evil look and said its easier to leave than go to councelling, so she left. Ex BPD and her family were terrified of councelling. It's a long road but I wouldn't trade how I feel now compared to the last several years.

[WoundedBibi]

I am working very hard on my self. I do feel sad for ex BPD very often but my feelings of love for her are all gone, that really helped me let go. I still tend to blame my self for things Bc I wasn't perfect. Even my father, hard core old schooler, said to me the other day that he feels bad for ex BPD, he said she is living with a lot of pain. I often wonder if the way she made me feel was the pain that she felt. Besides threats of violence, she always threatened to leave, never resolve. We were ordered to councelling, she was crying, agreed to go, social services was going to keep tabs on us, I went to make the phone call for councelling and her tears dried up that fast, she looked at me with an evil look and said its easier to leave than go to councelling, so she left. Ex BPD and her family were terrified of councelling. It's a long road but I wouldn't trade how I feel now compared to the last several years.

Counseling or therapy is often too hard for pwBPD to manage. It triggers their fears and their fears are so intense it feels they are going to die. If you felt counseling was going to kill you you would run too.