Finally ended and the pain is unreal

[Peterpan]

Hello everyone, I haven't been here for over two years and needed to come back today. I spent lots of time reading on here through my confusion, but stayed in my relationship which was an affair. Back in Oct 2014 we took a serious turn and things became very obsessive again. He told me he was desperately unhappy at home and wanted to spend his life with me. After a few months of feeling sure he meant it, I decided the same and suggested we take action. Then his excuses came with ' not just yet, she has depression, I have no money, nowhere to go etc'. I gave him six months to sort things out. Those six months came and went, but he still kept up the same contact. I was making plans at my end, saving, looking at properties, I was still in my marital home, but living like a lodger, sleeping in separate rooms, slowly convincing myself that there was nothing left at home for me.

My whole life was spent thinking about the new life I was about to have, my days were spent with constant texts, calls and meetings with my future partner, but things were being contradicted... .a lot. He would tell me how unhappy he was, but then send photos of projects he'd done around the house, and occasionally speak fondly of his wife, meals shed prepared etc. I couldn't shake off bad feelings that I was being strung along.

Then he backed off again physically saying he just couldn't at the moment as everything was stressful for him, but claimed every day I was the only thing he could think about.

Nine months in I questioned it, saying that if he wanted to work on his marriage I'd be hurt but understand and contact with me would have to stop. He went into pull back mode, putting things how they'd been before, but I didn't feel good about it, felt he'd done it just to keep me from leaving.

By now I was battling with myself, realised I was letting my own home life fade away whilst he was making his nicer and it was killing me. His obsessiveness returned in full force, constant contact, but a few contradictions and confusing me with events had me in doubt. He actually said things were a little better at home but not perfect because all he could think of was me. I told him again mid understand if he wanted to put 100% into her, he kept saying he couldn't.

I booked a holiday with my husband to see if we could connect, feeling guilty and at the same time realising I had to find out if I had any love left for him at all. The holiday went okay but he contacted me the whole time I was away. When I returned I had to actually remind him that we hadn't met in person for two months which didn't match his obsessive I love you's.

He met me but only for a short while fitted in with an errand, I said again he needed to let me know where I stood with him, or stop altogether as I couldn't just be his friend after a everything we'd been through. Promises began again and wen on for weeks, his texts were full of illnesses, pity stories, excuses, but he missed me, lov d me, couldn't wait to see me. Meetings were now once a week, only fitt d in with his errands, I knew I had to make a boundary, but I lov d him so much I was scared to go SE him at the same time.

A week before xmas I asked if he thought it ought to just stop as he wasn't giving me anything except texts, phone calls, was treating me like a friend with possible future benefits if it was convenient, he got upset, said he loved me more than life itself, I lit up his world, he'd be lost without me. Three days later he asked me to talk as his wife knew about me!

I thought, does she? Is he just saying this to test my intentions? is this when I have to tell my family and walk away from them?

He said she'd seen text from him to me and he'd had to admit to all the physical side, but told her we hadn't seen each other for over a year, we'd moved on as friends! I was absolutely devastated. I hadn't got any text from him which suggested anything physical, he couldn't remember what happened, Said he didn't want me to talk to her when I offered as I expected her to call me ( she would have seen my number?)He ended the conversation with " I love you my darling" and I said the same. She never did call or text me, but sent me threats to wreck my life as I had hers on social media.

I was in total dazed shock and didn't eat for a full week. Then she apparently got my number and text with very angry threats. I couldn't reply, not knowing if it was really her. His last contact to me was to not reply to his phone if it rang?

I told my husband that day as much as I could bear to and spent the night xt month in total hell, not knowing anything about him, but keeping his identity safe. Then exactly one month later more text came with serious threats. I'd been in therapy the whole time, my therapist said he thought I was involved with a sociopath.

My first thought was that the messages were from him because I'd not responded in all that time, I'd still been trying to keep him safe.

I was slandered, threatened and was absolutely heartbroken to the point of a breakdown.

I sent one reply that there was no need to inform my husband as he already knew from me, and any more threats would be shown to the authorities. I never heard back, and they both disappeared from social media that day. He then spoke briefly with me on the phone and asked how I was? I messaged him ending it officially, and the pain is nothing like I've ever known in my life.

I loved this man more than anyone in my life, I still have all that live inside me for him, but for all the times he told me he couldn't I ve on as just my two iend, in the end he used that against me and lied and denied everything he'd claimed to love about me.

I've kept those messages which call me a whore, describe detailed intimate interactions (  he told her those things but is still with her?) And all the threats , somthat I can finally try to o come to terms with what I was dealing with.

Still today five months after, I have PTSD and!wondering how I went from a very confident woman to accepting all of this.

I hope writing this may help someone who feels in their gut that something isn't right.

All I did was stop believing the future fakes and asked for something more, and this is where it got me. I don't blame him completely, I should have walked away at the first red flag.

[WoundedBibi]

If as a woman you find out your man is having an affair you are deeply hurt and angry if not livid. Some might resort to threats.

But if the guy confessed the affair most women would not want to know into graphic detail what physically happened in the affair.

Imagine the woman does, or even finds a text between you that described something graphically. Then still the chances that her threats to you would include the description of what physically happened between him and you are very slim IMO. She would be angry and full of emotion and describing what he and you did would not be the first thing to describe but rather what she would do to you if she could lay her hands on you.

Also if there were no texts describing what went down between you two she could only know from him. Then think about the wording. Were the words in the threats used the same kind of words HE would have used to describe something?

To me everything about this reeks of him sending you the threats. Of course you cannot answer your phone if there is no woman speaking on the other end...

And with her profile disappearing from social media that even brings up the question if there ever was a wife. Because what wife that never did anything wrong would take down her profile because her husband who had an affair asked her to?

You met him, so he exists. He does sound as someone that has something going on that might end in path.

Keep the evidence you need but make sure you never ever cross paths with him again or get into any kind of contact. Avoid people that contact you online whom you don't know. You meet real people in real life. If you're not happy with who or where you are the solution is not on the internet (this site excluded).

Continue your therapy, you need to process what this man has put you through and to look into what you now still see as love for him. And IMO you need to look at why you were susceptible for him.

[Peterpan]

Thank you for the reply.

His wife does exist, this was going on for over five years, I've seen her but never to talk to. It's kind of been like a secret double life, with lots of confusion and hurt, push/ pull etc.

He kept stressing he would never let me go and the idealisation was very obsessive but always happened in patterns. Some of his strange behaviour made me search online for answers very early on. I've always been a strong person with a good instinct when something feels off about people, but he just hooked me in so deeply that I couldn't let go either. I kept telling him this was hurting me, all his words were very over the top, then he'd subtly move me into friend mode, but always claim he was deeply in love with me. I was confused all the time.

My gut tells me  the first msge was from her, although slating me for wrecking her life, and threatening to wreck mine in return

( understandable in the circumstances, if she did know) this was odd because the night before fore he'd said she wasn't bothered, she'd been asking for a divorce for months ( news to me!)

I'd spent the last few months wondering if he'd moved on to someone else, only because he kept saying he didn't want to work on his marriage, it was past saving, no intimacy at all, but there wasn't with me either.

When he said she'd found a msge from him to me, I expected her to text/ call but she didn't, her msge came thru fb... .odd that she didn't take my number?

He spent a few days relaying what he'd supposedly told her, giving her bits of me, my address, number etc, and that it was over a year ago, only lasted a short while, was very physical, but we'd moved on as friends so he could work on his marriage, he hadn't seen me in all that time, and only txt me occasionally. Obviously blatant lies because it never stopped, I was w8th him three days before.

Why would anyone admit to all that? Is it likely he staged it all because I sugg sted it stop?

Five days later he asked me not to answer his phone, it wasn't safe, suggesting he'd left it with her, but a text came from her phone ( I assume) saying she knew where I lived, all the names of my family and very angriliy saying my time would come, I should be careful of cars and watch out for the post. Then calmly asking when I last saw him and sha%%ed him.

I couldn't reply, it didn't feel right to me, I guess that's because she didn't actually call? All this anger but she didn't call?

I sent a txt to his phone saying I'd told my husband, they both blocked me from being able to reply on fb.

Then 4 weeks later it started again, but this time stating where my husband worked and that he would soon find out that I did  this, that and the other with another man ( very explicitly in detail) and I'd never know when my time would come, once again, why isn't she knocking on my door?

It just looked very detached to me, not something  a mature woman would write, more like a teenage boy,  and all accusing me as though I had seduced him?

And apparently all it took was one reply from me " my family already know,  stop the threats or the police will be informed"

She is this angry but just disappears? Both deleted accounts?

None of it made any sense to me. The hell I went through I can't describe, he never once said it was over, nor told me who he wanted, just sat back and let all of his be thrown at me, I've had no explanation, and I sent him one msg stating that I was moving on.

I've kept everything from the whole five years, closed my phones put them somewhere safe and bought a new one.

I am still having days when I can't believe it's happened, he said his phone had been destroyed, but it links to a new blank profile on media, and also shows as active.

Why couldn't he just let it fizzle out? Why all this drama and heartbreak?

How could anyone do this to someone they claimed to love all that time, then calmly ask if I'm okay like it never happened?

But more importantly, I need to find out why I put up with it myself.