Help me be supportive but not enabling?

[isilme]

FI has been doing better, overall.  His rages are still startling, and trigger my own PTSD, but they are fewer than they were, and once I see them starting, I do my best to 'take a break' or just not make it worse.

But the wedding trip is coming.  He is still (understandably) stuck a bit in dealing with the aftermath of about 5 years of workplace abuse by a female boss (no one believed she would physically grab shove and push employees in an office environment, especially men, and she'd also go instead and claim they shoved HER).  Anyway, he is loads better than 2014.  But still suffers, and since pretty much everything in some way is all about him, anyone else facing anything unpleasant at all triggers him into diatribes about how he was treated at his old job, how the system protected his boss because shes a woman (it's true, they did), and how no matter how good he does he's going to be fired from this job he has now.

I don't think he will be fired.  They may reorganize one day, may move his position to another town, but for now, he's fine.  You work as long as you can, and if you learn your job is going away and you can't go with it, you find another.  Done.  It sucks, but I've done it, plenty.  But that's a practical approach to life, not an emotional one.  And he's emotional in how he sees the world.  So he's about to be fired every day, hates going in even though it's a good job and for the most part people are nice to him.  And he's paid better than he ever was.  But one mistake - he's is convinced going to be fired.  I get it.  I know it's hard to get past this.  I have enough experience with self view issues, I can get it.  But it makes me tired.  I feel sometimes like I have to be a spring for productivity and positive input.  And as years go by, sometimes that spring is just a trickle.

I try to validate with "i know that's how you feel/you have a complete right to feel that way / that was wrong what happened" but I just get tired.  I know it was hard time.  His boss was basically very much like my BPD mom, and played the same games mom did, making herself the victim while others were looking, then striking with cunning and viciousness.  I think when I realized how she was was when I knew I had to just get him out of there. 

With the wedding coming, he has even more things to be negative about - his thinning hair, his waist (and yes, mine - my body and appearance have been an extension of his for years) and the depression and some mold and other problems with the actual work environment has left him with lots of physical issues he will never to see a doctor about.  So he's hacking and coughing all the time... .won't treat it even over the counter, has body aches and leg pains... .and I know its mostly the depressions lingering and can't do anything and that also makes me tired.

Add to this that he has no internal monologue - if he's upset, it must be spouted aloud to the nearest human, and possibly be made that humans fault.  Guess who?  I come on here, or wait till I am home alone and shout and cry if I need to - as an only child in an abusive home, that was one way I coped and didn't get in trouble for expressing "unapproved emotions". FI doesn't immediately get upset if I cry, but always assumes it's 100% about him - could not possibly be my lack of family, lack of sleep, stress at my own job, like everything else in the world, it's all about him. O_o

I'm just tired.  I feel sometimes like his emotional needs are like a vampire, sucking me dry and I don't have the time to replenish.  Sorry, just wanted this out of my head,

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi isilme,

there is a lot that can be achieved with validation and you seem to be doing excellent work in that department  .

The way I see validation is that it is a little bit of work but there is a lot of payback. We avoid invalidation which is avoiding drama which is a super energy expenditure saver. We help to calm down which also avoids drama and saves energy expenditure. We understand our partner better which helps us avoiding invalidation. We deepen the relationship which is also nice. We reflect negative emotions back which protects us from internalizing them. Validation done right feels good. But lets face it since we are mostly validating negative or extremely negative emotions and situations it is not all a cakewalk. Every time we do it we spend a small amount of energy.

If it is a continuous one sided affair there is a risk you are burning out. You may want to consider boundaries. Some of the situations you are describing are ongoing. You can't hold the hands of the emotional baby all the time. At one point the toddler has to walk along and he may fall and cry. Yes it is a mess to recover such situations but he also has to learn self validation. It may be impulsively easier to come to you than dealing with stuff himself. Boundaries can be important to strengthen his ego.

There are some ongoing issues my wife has. I may validate them once or twice. But then it is "tough, this is really your problem." which is a bit validating but also reflecting a big part back to her to deal with. If she does not stop I'm leaving.

You really need both validation and boundaries. You may be leaning too much on the skill you feel more comfortable.

[isilme]

Yes, boundaries are pretty hard. 

He got upset last night, because a youtube video triggered him thinking about his old job, and that led to a whole money argument.  And I was upset, but had to tell him that yes, bad things happened, it was terrible, and it will never 100% go away - I grew up abused and understand this better than he likes to admit.  I spent 15 years with 2 abusive, neglecting parents, and 4 more years with just dad abusing and neglecting me.  But there is more life to have and your mindset has a lot more to do with how you feel than anything else. 

And with the wedding trip coming up, I know he will be dysregulating more and more.  For his new job, he was in such a state (and simply doesn't listen to me) he filled in his W-4 wrong - it's a common mistake, but I'd told him to be sure to put "0" unless he wanted to risk not enough coming out of which checks and having to pay.  He put "3".  We owed $600.  All in all, he took it better than I can say he usually would.  BUT, he did not listen when I told him what we had in savings before this would be paid... .he assumed I was giving him the after payment tally - I have no way to know how he is interpreting things, but this is impossible to explain.

So we had a bad night last night, with him going off on how much everything costs, how we're broke (we are not - being responsible while waiting for payday is not broke), how we are cancelling the wedding because we can't afford it (it is paid for.  We did agree, together, to take out a loan with my bank to cover it... .but the loan is reasonable, we have 4 years to pay it in full, and have been making payments since fall on it.  He can't understand why I haven't paid it all off yet  He can't understand that he personally has made at least 2 huge purchases this spring, each in excess of $500, and that things like that affect savings and what can be put in.  He likes to pretend he spends no money, and have no benefit from the money that pays bills like electric, internet, water... .  That he's not the one asking o eat out, that I just buy clothes all the time and spend  HIS money and he gets none. 

Money is hard for all couples.  I track everything, and try to make sure we are doing okay.  He likes to joke that I take his money (we joined accounts last year after over a decade of separate accounts) and he just assumes he can buy whatever he wants.  And usually, what he wants is just to eat out - fine.  But now that I understand his emotions are his facts, I know that even showing him spreadsheets won't be helpful. 


And I think I am getting the silent treatment this morning, which always makes me anxious for lunch when we will see each other.  Ugh. 

[Grey Kitty]

What about separating finances again? Or at least separating into three accounts, yours, his, and a joint household one, with agreement about what goes into the joint account and what are joint expenses?

It sounds like sharing finances just makes things more stressful for the two of you.

[isilme]

Separate didn't matter, he still made similar claims, just made it harder to be sure I could put money in savings.

I think the fact our trip is so close it making him look for reasons to act out.  He can't manage his feelings without expressing them out loud, at a target.  I made a mistake tonight, not seeing the warning signs of him being hungry, on top of tired and agitated, and after he couldn't find something which is always blamed on me hiding things purposefully from him... .And I negated what he was saying, escalating things.

Silent treatment now, prolly be that way till lunch tomorrow.  Sometimes, I can successfully stop the train of blame, tonight I just made it worse.  And I'm tired, can't just leave the house and what?  Go for a joy ride?  Staying in my little bubble right now, posting on here from my iPad. 

I know travel is hard on BPD, as is new things like marriage.  And I anticipated some ramping up coming, but had hoped I could do better at managing myself.