18 years. . and this is how it ends... i feel completely shattered

[Bushido]

hi ... .

well ... .here it ends. . a really wanted to work. . .

see here...

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292609.0

but this is the end.

she has found herself a replacement. . . and here i am just absolutely shatterd!

i just found out yesterday . . .and yeah she told me... and was seriously cold when she did.

but i still thanked her for it. now i can just embrace reality and move on.

as hard as it is.

this has been a long fight. and no matter how many times iv´e been beaten down... .i always got up

and kept going. . . but i still lost  :'(

i knew it was BPD and i didn´t care. . . i tried to work with what i had and also tried to show her the side of

her she didn´t see in real time.

first it was 2-3 months of texts. . . and she convinced her self that her behavior was because of school stress.

i was like . . .what!  are you kidding?

well. . that didn´t work...  so life continued.

as a year past. . . then i gave her a book of texts . . .over 15 months... .and i swear she had a complete brake down

when she read it!

so she went and got checked if she had BPD. . .

But since she doesn´t fulfill a comlete criteria and has only traits of...  

Then i ended up as the bad guy who was making her think she was a crazy BPD case!

today i have over 3 years of texts between us ( roughly around 150 pages, smallest text size )

so yeah . . . this has been my whole life.

and still. . . here i am . . . abandoned! cheated!, still the bad guy, and i´m the reason why this ended here.

so . . please help me get thru this. . .

No one can understand how this feels like. . . not even my (our psychiatrist, since he´s treating my wife too)

Sure he can see the dynamic and has known this for around 2 years ( when he saw him self a rage episode)

But still. . . my stbex . . . isn´t a BPD ( her opinion )

denial is a powerfull thing!

pls help me !   :'( :'( :'(

[Turkish]

It's been said that the DSM is mental illness by committee. This is my personal observation.

My mother is BPD... .my Ex, n the border, pun intended.

What matters is what has been done: the behaviors, actions, and how they hurt you.

This is a huge hate and betrayal. I've been there, after years of being told that I would cheat, that cheaters were bad, etc.

It sounds like you are stuck here. If she isn't clinically BPD, how does this make a difference in how you feel?

[Ahoy]

Regardless of whether she ticked off a certain number of criteria or not, you knew something was up. The most heartbreaking thing with this illness is that we can have nothing but the best intentions talking to our loved ones about it, yet any conversation is viewed as a direct attack on themselves and usually met with hostility.

I mean if I'm told there is something wrong with me, I need to be in a receptive mood or else my self-defense mechanisms are triggered. If she is BPD you are dealing with someone who has perfected the art of denial and subconscious defense mechanisms.

Help won't come unless they hit rock bottom. YOUR help starts today.

I'm currently reading the book "from abandonment to healing" the author describes the first stage as 'shattering' I think that's a very apt description. If you can bring yourself to read, that is one of a few good books that can tell you why you are feeling what you are feeling and give advice on how to embrace your pain and use it to heal.

Good luck man, keep reading this site, especially posts by a user 2010, he/she posts clinical opinions that helps take some of the emotion out of this issue. It might help detach a little.

[Bushido]

If she isn't clinically BPD, how does this make a difference in how you feel?

it doesn´t . . :'(

[Tobiasfunke]

Welcome to the club. A very exclusive club none of us want to belong to. I was with mine for 19 years. Some unbelievable highs and some  horifing lows. The last devaluation and discard were the hardest days of my life. A year ago I was where you are today. Believe me or not you are now on the road to a healthier happy life. You deserve a partner who can appreciate and reciprocate all the work it takes to make a r/s work. 18 years is a lot of work with BPD. Mine was my best friend and soul mate. If they are unable to admit they have issues or unwilling to do the work to help themselves this type of ending inevitable. This site has been a real lifesaver for me. The best advice I can echo from here is no contact. If kids are involved email or our family wizard for communication.  Try not to ruminate. Mine can be distracting at work or ruin a good time when I'm out. As bad as it hurts you'll pull thru better and stronger. A deserving soul is out there waiting for you. That person will cherish you for the precious deserving person u r. Guaranteed my man

[Bushido]

Thank you Tobiasfunke . . .

your words mean alot!

[Bushido]

"Help won't come unless they hit rock bottom. YOUR help starts today."

yeah . . i just thought i could help her... :'( :'(   But now i need help myself.

"I'm currently reading the book "from abandonment to healing" the author describes the first stage as 'shattering'"

thanks for the advise . . i bought the book and am off to reading...

"Good luck man, "

Thank you very much

[Makersmarksman]

I just filed (again) after 19 years, 3rd major separation.  I have been through her multiple affairs and I completely sympathize with your desperation.  This last time I have actually been concerned that I am NOT grieving properly, its not complete indifference to her but as my therapist explains it, "Think about it, is it possible you have been grieving this loss all along?" Can you think of it in those terms? You KNOW you are going to come through this, but look back over the entire marriage and put it in perspective, something very unhealthy to you, in fact dangerous to you is ending.

Also, look up techniques to practice mindfulness, this really works, you SHOULD be feeling devastated right now, you SHOULD let that wash over you, its the only path to real healing.  If you looks at divorce stats you will find lots of articles on how divorce doesnt make people happier, UNLESS they got out of an abusive relationship.  Makes sense, right?

I promise you, you have been given a gift that will reveal itself down the road.

[CC85]

Man, I feel your pain... .Mine was a 4 year r/s and we have a 3 yo son to consider... .

Where I am right now... .Ruminating over her, reminiscing to happy memories, moments of passion then fearing that she is having these with the new man (she originally wound me up saying she had moved on with him), but has since said she hasn't.

When I'm ruminating, I am clinging to the hope that she comes back without any damage being done (like she did 2 years ago), but then comes the fear that if the opportunity arose to give it another shot will I end up in the same painful situation in 2, 5, 18 years time? My friends and family who know her well have told me I must forget her, as it will end in tears or worse, with me in jail (she enjoys calling the Police / making abuse allegations over me).

I know they're right, but right now my head isn't interested, and all my heart is longing for is for her to walk through the door and have that amazing make up time, like we've had time and time before.

It's not quite been 2 weeks since she left and the pain is not fading, it's getting worse as I continue to think of her with an new man, and then the fear of my son's future.

[vortex of confusion]

I just filed (again) after 19 years, 3rd major separation.  I have been through her multiple affairs and I completely sympathize with your desperation.  This last time I have actually been concerned that I am NOT grieving properly, its not complete indifference to her but as my therapist explains it, "Think about it, is it possible you have been grieving this loss all along?" Can you think of it in those terms? You KNOW you are going to come through this, but look back over the entire marriage and put it in perspective, something very unhealthy to you, in fact dangerous to you is ending.

I agree with the notion of having grieved the loss of the relationship a while ago. This time around, I started dating again. I don't have any desire to win him back. I am done. Yes, it has been 18 years. The last 3  for certain have been spent grieving the loss of the relationship. In reality, it probably goes back further than that. It is difficult to be in an abusive relationship without slowly checking out to protect yourself. I went back and forth with stbx for a lot of years. We would torment each other and talk about divorce. He would tell me that he was going to change and that he understood me, blah, blah, blah. He paid lip service to whatever I was having a problem with and would then chill out long enough for me to get comfortable again. And then, he would go right back to being a jerk.

I have felt that shattered feeling on quite a few occasions in our 18 years. At some point, it just gets tiring.

[Ahoy]

Man, I feel your pain... .Mine was a 4 year r/s and we have a 3 yo son to consider... .

Where I am right now... .Ruminating over her, reminiscing to happy memories, moments of passion then fearing that she is having these with the new man (she originally wound me up saying she had moved on with him), but has since said she hasn't.

When I'm ruminating, I am clinging to the hope that she comes back without any damage being done (like she did 2 years ago), but then comes the fear that if the opportunity arose to give it another shot will I end up in the same painful situation in 2, 5, 18 years time? My friends and family who know her well have told me I must forget her, as it will end in tears or worse, with me in jail (she enjoys calling the Police / making abuse allegations over me).

I know they're right, but right now my head isn't interested, and all my heart is longing for is for her to walk through the door and have that amazing make up time, like we've had time and time before.

It's not quite been 2 weeks since she left and the pain is not fading, it's getting worse as I continue to think of her with an new man, and then the fear of my son's future.

Dude you know what you have to do (especially if police are becoming involved) don't do it for you, do it for him (your son)

[Bushido]

Help won't come unless they hit rock bottom. YOUR help starts today.

Thank you...

Your words give me strengh... .

I went to my first session the other day in trauma pherapy...

So many many years of chaos are about to be opend up and memorys ,

moments and all other. . .

That are keeping my system from going from active fight mode to a healthy rest mode

Will be brought to the surfice and dealt with.

And until then . . . . i will have to give up the hope i always had

Of helping her thru this... .

I thought i could . . .but i can't.

She has to find her way. . .and hit rock bottom w/o being

Able to blame me for it.

I love her with all my heart :'( :'(   but i have to let her go.

This is not my fight...

But i will try to be here for her . . . like a big brother. . . .and she can talk to me about

Anything.

But for the first time in our 18 years together... .She's going to have to take

the responsibility for her own actions and fallings.

And finally. . . this is my time to heal and find the true me...

For to long have i been sacrificing myself in the name of love.

And still be the one that created the problem... .:'( :'( :'(

[WoundedBibi]

Help won't come unless they hit rock bottom. YOUR help starts today.

Thank you...

Your words give me strengh... .

I went to my first session the other day in trauma pherapy...

So many many years of chaos are about to be opend up and memorys ,

moments and all other. . .

That are keeping my system from going from active fight mode to a healthy rest mode

Will be brought to the surfice and dealt with.

And until then . . . . i will have to give up the hope i always had

Of helping her thru this... .

I thought i could . . .but i can't.

She has to find her way. . .and hit rock bottom w/o being

Able to blame me for it.

I love her with all my heart :'( :'(   but i have to let her go.

This is not my fight...

But i will try to be here for her . . . like a big brother. . . .and she can talk to me about

Anything.

But for the first time in our 18 years together... .She's going to have to take

the responsibility for her own actions and fallings.

And finally. . . this is my time to heal and find the true me...

For to long have i been sacrificing myself in the name of love.

And still be the one that created the problem... .:'( :'( :'(

You know she has a replacement and you no longer have the role of lover. The painful realization is slowly sinking in.

You now also realize you cannot cure her BPD and that she is an adult who is responsible for her own actions.

Why are you now assigning yourself a new role of big brother for her to lean on and how do you picture yourself in this role? How does this role of big brother help you in healing and detaching from her and the relationship?

[CC85]

I think my Mother gave me some good advice, when she said that if I don't think of the attraction to my ex, or the fact that we had a son together, write down what you feel are important traits in a relationship for you, so I did:

1/ Understanding / trustworthy (goes for a whole manner of things, love, money, safety, beliefs)

2/ Same outlook in life (wanting the same thing, planning for the future, working together)

3/ Listening to and valuing each other's opinions

4/ Caring for each other and putting each other before anyone else.

5/ Compromising when you cannot agree.

These are 5 major things from my perspective and I'm sure there are many more, but they usually come naturally in healthy relationships where people genuinely "love" one another.

Now I look at the relationship with my ex udBPDgf and to summarise each of the above points:

1/ Never understood me working FT to pay the bills, very rarely tried to help, wouldn't ever sit and talk about finances or want to plan and lived very much day to day (Apparently I was controlling for trying to plan ahead!)

Would often tell lies, so don't even get me started on the trustworthy part!

2/ In the initial "idealization" phase, she wanted everything that I wanted, the perfect family, the holidays, the family occasions... .until a year in she started saying things like "all I need are my boys"

3/ Would hardly ever ask how I felt or what I wanted, but if I disagreed with what she wanted she would sulk like a stroppy teenager.

4/ She would often listen to other people's opinions over mine, even her ex would know more about things than she felt I did. She would very really really care what I thought about something. A classic example was when poor Robin Williams died (One of my favourite actors and people). I saw the news breaking and was genuinely shocked and it brought a tear to my eye. My ex's remark was "What you upset for, it's not like you knew him" in a typical cold and callous tone.

5/ BPDs don't compromise imo, it's their way or the highway. I've experienced her storm out of restaurants, get out of the car, walk away from queues over the slightest disagreement. I've also experienced her suddenly say "I'm not going now" to family or work events we were invited to and she would only go grudgingly if I apologised and begged her!

When I think of some of the frustrations I experienced, I don't know how I didn't go insane or lose it completely... .I can only hope that the replacement is in for the same ridiculous rollercoaster journey and that I can eventually move on to a much calmer, but even more enjoyable ride without the need for seatbelts and harnesses! 

[Bushido]

How does this role of big brother help you in healing and detaching from her and the relationship?

I undestand why you ask.

And the answer is "it dosn't!"

But she was my best friend, she is the mother of my kids and she is mentally ill.

No one knows her like i do, and very few know of this illness of hers.

When i say i"ll be like a big brother. . you may think of a brother that comes and helps when help is needed or th one you can lean on and cry on his shoulder.

My role as "big brother" is to say... .

Look little syster... .Get your sh... Together and do what you need to do to keep moving forward.

No one is going to do it for you.

And even if someone did... .Than that sh... head is keeping you from learning what you need to learn to live your own life.

Life will beat you down to you knees and keep you there if you let it!  This your fight ! And you either stay down or get up and keep moving forward!

And no one can help you but YOU!

And i guess it's the same with me...

[WoundedBibi]

How does this role of big brother help you in healing and detaching from her and the relationship?

I undestand why you ask.

And the answer is "it dosn't!"

But she was my best friend, she is the mother of my kids and she is mentally ill.

No one knows her like i do, and very few know of this illness of hers.

When i say i"ll be like a big brother. . you may think of a brother that comes and helps when help is needed or th one you can lean on and cry on his shoulder.

My role as "big brother" is to say... .

Look little syster... .Get your sh... Together and do what you need to do to keep moving forward.

No one is going to do it for you.

And even if someone did... .Than that sh... head is keeping you from learning what you need to learn to live your own life.

Life will beat you down to you knees and keep you there if you let it!  This your fight ! And you either stay down or get up and keep moving forward!

And no one can help you but YOU!

And i guess it's the same with me...

"Very few know of this illness of hers". Your wife has not been diagnosed with BPD . So officially she doesn't have BPD. The psychiatrist you both are seeing cannot discuss a diagnosis with you as that would break confidentiality with her. If I were you I would find my own T; one less thing you share.

Back to your role as big brother. Your 'get your sh*t together' speech. Are you planning to do that once? On a regular basis? Whenever she reaches out? Only when she reaches out with BS? Face to face? Per email? On the phone? All of them? Do you think she wants to hear that speech? As she is already seeing a psychiatrist and is convinced she doesn't have BPD what would be the effect of your speech do you think? Would it help or hinder you giving such a speech, giving yourself such a role, in finding a balance in co-parenting your children?

Yes you share history and children. Everybody that is going to split up after 18 years and 4 children shares that. But "nobody knows her like I do so it HAS to be MY role" (which in effect is what you are saying) and "very few but me know she is mentally ill so it HAS to be MY role" sounds as if you are still in rescue mode. Not together anymore, but still trying to fix things. Not with her but for her. Who did you say was capable of fixing her sh*t again? You? Or her?

[Bushido]

But "nobody knows her like I do so it HAS to be MY role" (which in effect is what you are saying) and "very few but me know she is mentally ill so it HAS to be MY role" sounds as if you are still in rescue mode. Not together anymore, but still trying to fix things. Not with her but for her. Who did you say was capable of fixing her sh*t again? You? Or her?

it may sound like i´m in rescue mode. . . but i´m not!

i did everything i could do. . . and it didn´t work!

This is her sh... and she has to find her own way. . . . w/o me!

being big brother isn´t rescue mode . . . i know more than everyone how she is . . .and that´s why i´m the only one

who will be saying " GET YOUR SH... TOGETHER AND DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS" cos no one can do it for you!

while everyone around her are trying to help " little miss victim "

i do thank you for your feedback tho...

and hope this answers your question

sooner then later she will probably "paint me black" as you call it... .and find someone who will take the role of "her real hero"

she has already found a guy . . and the hook is in.

it may have been a one time thing . . . but it doesn´t matter . . . . she´s got him!

And he can have her !

I have my own life to restore and rebuild...

[vortex of confusion]

it may sound like i´m in rescue mode. . . but i´m not!

i did everything i could do. . . and it didn´t work!

This is her sh... and she has to find her own way. . . . w/o me!

being big brother isn´t rescue mode . . . i know more than everyone how she is . . .and that´s why i´m the only one

who will be saying " GET YOUR SH... TOGETHER AND DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS" cos no one can do it for you!

while everyone around her are trying to help " little miss victim "

As somebody else that is ending an 18 year relationship, I think I know what you are getting at when you say this. For me, it does come down to me being the only one to hold him accountable. He put on such a good show for everyone else for so long that nobody sees the BS crap that he has done. Even now, he has started going to church again and is in a 12 step program, blah, blah, blah. At the same time, he has admitted to me that there is a lady that he likes and is chasing. To the outside world, I am a cheating whore of a wife and he is the perfect little angel. I am not keeping the fact that I have a boyfriend a secret. I can tell people that I met my boyfriend in a respectable place and I was certainly not looking for anything other than a friend. STBX on the other hand has posted ads on Craigslist and OK Cupid and has gotten in contact with girls that he dated or had crushes on before he and I ever met. Nobody knows that side of things. Nobody knows that he has outed himself as bisexual and has a cuckold fetish. All of his dirty little secrets and demons are kept secret from the rest of the world. I don't really have any secrets so he definitely looks like the victim. As such, he is getting support from his friends and his family while I am being looked at as the cheating wife that is going to take his kids away from him. He has been a horrible husband and a horrible father for years. Trying to navigate this stuff is hard. I know I have to be the one to set boundaries and take the lead in shutting down the crap that he tries to pull on me and the kids. It isn't the overt, in your face, kind of stuff so it is up to me to shut it down.

sooner then later she will probably "paint me black" as you call it... .and find someone who will take the role of "her real hero"

she has already found a guy . . and the hook is in.

it may have been a one time thing . . . but it doesn´t matter . . . . she´s got him!

And he can have her !

I have my own life to restore and rebuild...

I think the only way that my stbx is going to leave me alone is to find somebody else to swoop in and buy his BS. I told him that one time. He was making such a fuss about some "friend" of his and how he was really interested in her and liked her. He even went so far at to tell me, "She is different than all of the other women. She is special." (I don't know if those were the exact words or not but it sure as heck didn't feel good to hear him say that he was making all of this effort to chase this other woman when I couldn't even get him to plan a date for our anniversary.) The problem is that he can't keep anyone around for very long. It seems that all of the women ghost him or bail on him, which is what I should have done 20 years ago.