Guilt Spiral

[Lam7615]

My relationship with my uBPD mom is tolerable. I see her once a week for an hour or so so she can play with my daughter and that's about the extent of our relationship.  Recently I made some photo books for my daughter of her first year. My mom is rarely featured in them even though we see her more than any of the other grandparents. This was not intentional, however I realized I don't take many pictures of my daughter with my mom because the interaction is so forced. Seeing my mom is an obligation. Seeing my dad, stepmom and in-laws is genuinely enjoyable. She saw the books and was very upset that she wasn't in them much.

Enter the guilt spiral. Maybe I should just try harder with my mom. Or I could just take more pictures, knowing that's not how our relationship really is. She doesn't really interact with my daughter she just buys her every toy imaginable (even though she's broke) and then puts them all in front of her. From my perspective this is as good as I can ever imagine our relationship being. She wants to take family trips and have my daughter spend the night which will never happen and she is so out of touch with the realities of her behavior that I can't explain it to her.  I feel guilty for not wanting more of a relationship and for not wanting to take more pictures of my mom with my daughter.

[joinedtheclub]

Hi,

It sounds like you've actually found a bit of a rare peace:  you interact with her once a week, you've figured out where the boundaries are.  Just this one time, in the book, it was perceived that there weren't enough pictures with your mom.

I know exactly what you're talking about with the forced visits.  Heck, my mother doesn't even remember the names or ages of my kids!

If you truly feel a bit bad by having inadequate numbers of photos with your mom, maybe just say "I'm sorry.  It wasn't intentional.  I was in a hurry and looking for high quality photos."  and then move on.

I find these photo books cause a lot of problems even with non-BPD family members.  What I do is simply send copies of photos and let the recipients do with them what they will.  That way, there is no risk of under/over representation of anyone in a book.

Take care,

JTC

[christine8989]

Honestly I think you have done well. As joinedtheclub said you've found your boundaries and have done well in setting them. For that I applaud you because it seems to be healthy for you and your relationship with your mom.

It sounds as though the guilt you feel is a byproduct of the guilt you've been manipulated to feel over the years.

Just take peace in knowing this wasn't intentional and if she takes it personally it's her problem, not yours. Something I'm working on right now is knowing you can't please everyone, especially someone with BPD.

Keep up the good work. Just in case you want more help with the guilt feeling read "When I say no I feel guilty" I'm reading it right now and it's good insight into setting and keeping boundaries. Keep up the good work.