Why LC sucks

[khibomsis]

So, today I called my 79 year old dad. Hate calling home but you know, I love him and like to check in every few weeks. Well, what do you know, just another day in BPD family. NBPD niece (15) answered the phone in full waif mode, everybody hates her, nobody loves her, she's  gonna eat some worms. I go sweetie, until you take responsibility for your own healing nothing's going to change. And yes, all your school friends are going to get on with their lives and leave you behind because until you decide to get well, you're not. So stop refusing to go to that RTC and get your ___ together. Aka  tough love 101. Niece melts into tears and hands phone over to grandpa. Dad, whats up? Well NBPD niece is cold turkeying off anti-depressants because her father forgot to fill the prescription. Grandpa has given her quadruple dose of tranquilizer in the hope that she will calm down. Aha. Older neice (18) overdosed this morning, says she was raped and was taken to hospital where she is now sinking into coma. Oh, where's parents? Well my brother away for work and her mom was shopping. Oh, do you think it may be it was a cry for help? Ya think? I go dad, do you really want to spend your twilight years living like this? You sure you don't want to come live with me and spouse and like actually know peace and quiet? Nope he goes. OK.Nothing more I can do. We have had this discussion a hundred times.

Nope that's not the punchline, by the way.

Punchline is uNBPD mom gaslighting on the line to insist that all of that is not true, it's an exaggeration and Dad has completely misunderstood the whole thing. I agree that no doubt the hospital has made a mistake and that is why they are stomach pumping and put niece (18) on a drip. Stop being sarcastic she goes. Yup, I agree. I'm the real problem here.  She calls my Dad to come back online.  Guess my validation skills need some work

See. This is why I hate phoning home. It's the TRIGGERS!

PS. older niece  released this evening on condition that she sees a psychiatrist. I guess hope for the best... .

[La Carotte]

Oh my goodness, khib, twilight zone indeed.

Sending you the hugest of hugs... .Now, if I can just find the positive... .

[khibomsis]

Thanks, FIT!

There is lots of positives. For one, I don't have to live in the twilight zone, I just have to visit from time to time. For two, since I started this tough love stuff the youngsters are becoming quite circumspect. The last one (diagnosed bipolar, 24) decided not to live with me after four months. All I asked was one rule, thinking 'baby steps'.  NBPD niece (15) said straight out there are too many rules and decided to go back to FOO. Her therapist said those narratives about father's abuse were  splitting behaviour so I let her go. I keep an open hand as in they all know they are free to come here. They also know this means they will have to straighten up and fly right. My life has become a whole lot more peaceful as a result.

What I mean is I can't do much about the BPD's. But my father's co-dependency can stop in this generation. I have power over that. Thanks once again for making me think about this list!

Now, I reckon I'm going to give myself a break. The next few calls I'll make will be when I know my NBPD mom is not there.  Between here and Mother's Day there shall be peace.      right back, khib

[Kwamina]

Wow! That one phone call contained a lot of drama  Sadly also a lot of concerning things going on with your nieces. Their parents unfortunately don't seem to be really there for them.

I am glad your niece has been released from the hospital and do hope she gets professional help.

What I mean is I can't do much about the BPD's. But my father's co-dependency can stop in this generation. I have power over that. Thanks once again for making me think about this list!

Indeed, you cannot change the past and cannot change other people if they don't wan to or are unable to, but you do have the power to end the cycle of conflict and dysfunction by changing your own responses and behavior

[khibomsis]

Thanks Kwamina! I grieve more than I can say for the young ones. Nope, they have not had parents, or should I say they have the most emotionally selfish, neglectful abusive parents imaginable. Can't decide if my older brother is BPD himself or just a zombie after twenty years of living with my uNBPD mom. In some ways physical abuse would be preferable because at least social services would pick that up but this stuff goes unnoticed.

The point is that this is a fairly typical Sunday afternoon. It is not the first time. I have stories of what happens when it gets really dramatic.

Last year niece 18 overdosed about 4 or 5 times before anybody actually noticed. When they did they took her to a counsellor. After a couple of sessions, the counsellor said:' you don't have the problem, your family does. I'm going to need them to come in for sessions'. Parents went for one session then refused to go back. Her father then decided they couldn't afford therapy anymore. So I guess the good part about this is that the hospital has now insisted on psychiatric care else they will report it. 

You are right Kwamina, I can't save them. Have given up trying. I'll LC as long as my dad is alive and that's it. It's a pain but I feel obliged to do at least that much.   Nope, I don't fight back. Not worth it. These people are their own worst enemies.

[Woolspinner2000]

  Hi Khibomsis!

I am very sorry to read about the current drama in your FOO, but I probably should say 'continuing' drama shouldn't I, to be more accurate! How hard. It is tough to maintain tough love. There are people I encounter who step right into it, thinking they can save and fix things. It sounds like you get it and understand that it isn't your responsibility.

At the college where my son attends, he has a friend who goes to an after school kids club to help, and one day while visiting on campus, I found her to be in tears and sadness from the pain she felt over the awful dysfunction she was seeing each time she went. I took her in my arms and held her while she cried, and I said something to her. "You cannot fix these things. Do not take it upon yourself or you will burn out. I know it's so very sad and heartbreaking, but you can only walk alongside them. Give them love, and they will know you are loving them. One day it may make a difference." There are those who would argue with us and say it can be fixed, but as you said to your niece:

I go sweetie, until you take responsibility for your own healing nothing's going to change. And yes, all your school friends are going to get on with their lives and leave you behind because until you decide to get well, you're not.

Way to go!  They know you are there. You are practicing boundaries which I am currently trying to learn. I totally agree with Kwamina:

Indeed, you cannot change the past and cannot change other people if they don't want to or are unable to, but you do have the power to end the cycle of conflict and dysfunction by changing your own responses and behavior

How much we try to change other people when look at the job it takes to change ourselves!


Wools

[khibomsis]

haha, Woolspinner, I wish I was as wise in my youth as I am now I spent literally decades rescuing, so much so that I would go through regular cycles of rescue-burnout-recovering from burnout-trying to have a life - rescuing again. You know what it's like, an FOO is just that much harder to divorce than a partner. Sometime about 49 I started to actually get tired of the cycle. It is something about that age that makes a person start counting how many good years one has left.  I wanted to step off the crisis carousel and have a few happy years before I got too old to enjoy it. Also,  I can't have been that good at rescuing my family. They are exactly where we started in my childhood. Only now it is the wierdest experience to be manipulated, gaslighted and split by my niece. I mean, my mother I have every hope of outliving but my niece's diagnosis in January was a huge shock to me. I don't think I am over it yet.

Frankly, how I am feeling now is that I have had enough. I do not want to have a NBPD neice who requires my care. I do not want another one who regularly overdoes the sleeping pills. I do not want a zombie brother. I do not want green eggs and ham.  At least I am in touch with my feelings! 

Radical acceptance is hard. I don't think I quite have the hang of it yet. But tough love was simply a matter of survival. I have run out of energy for anything else.

Thanks for listening, Wools! I know you are going through your own stuff too.  Hope you find some peace.  , khib