Undiagnosed/ Unqualified BPD?

[poiu]

WARNING: SORRY FOR THE LONG POST!

I see a lot of people on here refer to their loved one or whoever it is as an undiagnosed BPD. While we are all unqualified to make an 'observer diagnosis,' I was wondering how sure we can be to say the person in question actually does have BPD when there actually isn't a diagnosis. For me, I can say that my mother is an uBPD not by the DSM religiously, but by specific behaviors and reading stories from people with dBPD loved ones and saying "Oh my gosh. Were they watching through the window?" because it's the same exact thing. Some things hit me like a ton of bricks as I make connections with things she has done a thousand times growing up. But my sister and I have wondered in passing if she is biopolar (but she snaps too quickly) and I have thought for a long time that both my parents 'aren't all there' and something is wrong. Some things she says simply don't make sense and her reasoning is all emotion. Both parents had abusive/alcoholic father childhoods and sometimes bring it up in their episodes almost like it is an excuse for their behavior. My dad is a narcissist (demanding uptmost respect, what he wants when he wants it, while treating everyone else like dirt, he's NEVER wrong even when there's proof). But this post is about my uBPD mother. She doesn't exhibit any of the impulsive, risky, or self-harming behaviors. She exhibits:

-make accusations when I disagree, or she'll change the subject and blow me off

-background: I'm university age. Attempts at independence or becoming an adult like buying a car or wanting to get a job are disrespectful and met with abuses of "you'll never make it in the world," "but you (have this problem, or that problem, holding you back)"

-"no one but your parents will love you" "family sticks by each other" "you'll wish you spent more time with us"

-"no one will want to date you because you're such a screw up"

-Splitting. I am awesome when I do something good, but useless when I make a mistake

-Projection. She has said she walks on eggshells around me. I was particularly confused by this because I am the quiet child and just stay in my room to avoid them.

-Get my dad and sister to gang up on me. Get my dad involved to reprimand me about something

-Will go on emotionally/verbally abusive rants about me, then snap right back out and wonder why I look upset. When I tell her that what she just said was hurtful, she turns it back around on me- I'm horrible and I'm disrespectful. She takes no responsibility for these. It's almost as if she doesn't know they're happening, or she doesn't want to admit it.

-After verbal abuse, she gets really clingy and huggy, saying she loves me. But will never acknowledge or apologize. Typical case of "I hate you, don't leave me"

-Gaslighting. See above. I've started writing conversations down so when they do this, I don't fight with them anymore over what the truth is, I just know that I am not the one going insane.

-Playing martyr. I try to help her get a life and some hobbies so she isn't so lonely, but she won't help herself (waif behavior?)

-Poor self esteem

-Been told my entire life I am difficult, stubborn (probably true because I am strong-willed, independent, and my own thinker)

-Been told my entire life I am a horrible daughter, even though I have exhausted my emotional and physical resources trying to please and honor them

-Growing up, she'd be really involved, then have times when she had us fend for ourselves and she would say she should just go die so maybe we'd appreciate her (joking, I think? I'm sure all mothers think this at some point?)

-Incapable of logical reasoning

-It's like arguing with a toddler

-I am responsible for her feelings

-No forgiveness. Make a mistake, you'll never hear the end of it.

-Try to sabotage relationships of anyone who gets close to me

-Has no real friends. One acquaintance

-Accused me of having Avoidant Personality Disorder

-Anxiety/worry problem

-Refuse to think there is anything wrong with her

-Sometimes I check my phone and I have 10 texts about where I am, what I'm doing, am I doing something I'm not supposed to, etc.

-Her emotions are the only ones that matter. When I express my feelings/thoughts, they are criticized and invalidated

-Some times overly empathetic taking problems on as her own saying they stress her out, other times incapable of it

-I owe them my life for raising me

-Spends days in bed

-Since I have physical health problems (wonder why... .), she is overly involved, angry that I'm not better ie perfect and I'm stressing her out, pushing her help on me when I told her I can manage just fine saying "families help each other" and uses language like *we* will heal and get through this

-She babies me

-The world is evil and against her

-When I went to her for help, it stressed her out and was told "don't both me any more with this"

-Wants me to be her best friend

-Assumes we are super close though I am increasingly withdrawn

-The more I sacrifice and spend time with them, the more they want. Nothing is ever good enough.

-When I'm with my parents, they say "See, we're great. You should spend more time with us. We just really like you"

-This abuse is covered with materially providing education and necessities, etc.

-They are convinced they're perfect parents

-Inconsistent parenting. I once was reprimanded for driving a friend's car, then two years later wondering why I wasn't asking friends to borrow their cars because I don't have one

-No respect for boundaries or my wishes ie willing my good ie LOVE

Effects on me: I won't go into a lot of them. Just major things because the list it too long:

-I feel used and confused

-I feel like a pawn

-I emotionally withdrew years ago, stopped going to her for things. My sister says I'm cold

-I have no attachment to my parents

-The thought of never hearing from then again makes me feel like flying, then really guilty for obvious reasons

-Wanting to run away/avoid them my whole life

-I have one super close friend who we'd trust each other with our lives. Our pet names when we see each is actually "mommy!" This is probably an attempt at re-parenting for both of us. She was adopted, then had absent parents.

-I have serious digestive problems, inflamed by interacting with them

I am confused because these could also be just a mother who is having a hard time letting go of her adult child and is super overprotective and controlling. Having trouble seeing where the line is. I know my mom suffers from depression and self-esteem problems. These could also be associated with other attachment disorders and simply emotional abuse (like a manipulating MIL). Some times she is actually really pleasant and I almost enjoy being around her. I have a deeply enmeshed codependent older sister who worships them. She is the Golden Child, I am the Scapegoat because I always was an individual.

People say my parents are loving and I should just heed them because "they just love you and want to help," "they just want to keep you safe," "but they're your parents. You'll regret not spending more time with them" "do everything you can not to lose them"

Is this enough to make a "diagnosis"? I know she'll probably never go to a therapist.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I'm so sorry about your situation.  Have you gotten any therapy (T) for yourself?

My sister is currently uBPD.  I was the one to get a T and start counseling.  My T listened to me for 4-5 sessions, before suggesting I read the book "Stop Walking on Egg Shells".  There is a work book that I purchased at the same time.  One of the tests I took in the work book, indicated that my sister is likely a high- functioning BPD. 

I have an unofficial label to give my sister, but that isn't an official diagnosis.  The person with BPD has to get the counseling and the diagnosis directly.  If the person with probable BPD doesn't enter therapy and/or never admits to behavioral problems, then they won't likely get a diagnosis.  Seems like most people with BPD don't get counseling, but those around them do.  In my situation both me and my niece are separately seeing a T.

One of the major issues with my sister was that she would go into an angry rage.  She would argue about every little unimportant thing.  She would frequently hang up the phone during mid conversation. One time she flew into a rage, saying I was too technical in an email (Said I treated her as if she were someone I worked with).  Shortly thereafter, she went into a rage, saying I talked down to her.  These situations are opposite sides of the spectrum.

I could go on and on with a huge list of issues.  It has helped me to read posts here and identify with many of the situations others have/are experiencing.  Once I read about the concept of being "painted black", I began to clearly see specific times when the tide would turn from a period of a truce to an all out war on my sister's part.  I've been "painted black" for an extended period of time and have limited contact with my sister.  It will soon go to no contact.

Take care of yourself and consider getting some counseling.  It can make you feel better to have a safe place to talk about your mom and your problems.  I don't know if getting an official diagnosis for a BPD makes anyone feel better.  Whether the uBPD exhibits some or all of the BPD traits, they can still make our lives miserable.  I'm still on a learning curve, but I'm learning that I have to be responsible for how I react and for setting boundaries.  We all have some limitations in regard to our personal circumstances (i.e. living with the BPD presents a different situation than if you didn't)

[Notwendy]

When I was your age, BPD was not really understood, yet, I felt very much like you do now. Looking at the list of your mother's behaviors, there are many similarities. I think you already know that these are not the behaviors of an emotionally well adjusted parent having a hard time letting go of an adult child. While a diagnosis would be helpful, not having one doesn't negate the effect your mother's behavior has on you.

Focusing on her issues is a step to understanding, but you can't fix her or your father. Ultimately, your task is to take the steps to becoming an independent adult and working on any issues that have come from growing up in such a family. This takes some personal work, and counseling, but doing such work is a valuable investment in your future.

Going through the shock of recognizing that something isn't right with your parents is a step to understanding yourself. A diagnosis would be helpful, but you can take steps to take care of yourself and become independent without one.

BPD is a spectrum disorder. Not everyone with BPD exhibits all of the behaviors in the same way, but a general pattern is consistent. Although we are not professionals and should not be making official diagnosis, if we see these patterns in a loved one and it causes us distress, then we can take steps to help us deal with them.