Bad Weekend

I had a pretty back weekend. My anger over my gfwBPD just consumed me on Saturday, and I had to use every Jedi mind trick to keep control (self-validation, journalling, compassion for me and her). Even then, my anger was at an 8 for most of the day. I was able to let it go long enough to have a good night with my other gf (who doesn't have BPD).

Then on Sunday, the anger came back. It kept building, and then turned into deep hurt. I had to call my therapist, and I cried really hard in the shower for 10 minutes, just wailing on the floor of the tub while the water rained down on me. That did make me feel somewhat better, and talking to my therapist helped me to calm down (I also talked to a good friend while I was waiting for my therapist to call, and she really helped me feel better).

I don't know where to go from here. I am someone who loves with all my heart: I give myself to the other person, and I feel what they feel. But that clearly doesn't work here: I've had to put up a wall between me and her. I did a good job of that last night, when we talked on the phone and she was in minor crisis mode, but I don't know what kind of a relationship we can have if I have to stop myself from having feelings for her in order to keep myself safe and sane.

I should also say that I'm not someone who easily tolerates having my life turned upside down by someone else. I want to shake her and yell "function, dammit!", like she's a broken computer. Right now, if I could go back and erase this relationship, I probably would: I'm not proud of that, but I wish I could have not fallen in love with her, so that I wouldn't be this angry and upset, and I wouldn't feel like I have no good options.

How do you have a relationship when you can't let yourself feel connected? How do you manage the anger that comes from knowing about how badly she was traumatized as a little girl (I've never been this close to that level of trauma: it was basically ritual torture)? I've never wanted to kill anyone before, but if the person who did this to her was still alive, I would track him down and destroy him. I've had many friends with traumatic childhoods--the friend I talked to on the phone had a schizophrenic mother who chased her around the house with a butcher knife--but I've never been *in love* with someone who went through anything like this. I can't make it better. I can't stop it from having happened. I don't know how to live in a world that allows little girls to be brutalized and their parents to not care.

And how do I manage the anger that comes from her life choices now? She's very high functioning, and I think she has done more with her life than I ever could. She's not dead, she's not on the street, and she's not a sociopath. But her life is pretty bad: she's desperately poor, and I have to give her money each month to make it through. I don't mind the actual money (I have it to spend, and my other gf is also poor, so I give her money, too); but I hate knowing how vulnerable she is: how she lives in a bad part of town that I hate visiting because I feel unsafe. How she associates with sketchy (and scary) people, because she sells pot to make ends met.

And now, she wants to start escorting again. I think sex work is legitimate, and I support the right of people to do it legally (I live in the U.S., where it's generally illegal). I've visited sex workers before, and the risk of arrest is minimal on both sides for what she wants to do. But I HATE thinking about her doing it. I know sex and love are separate to her, but to me they're not, and I HATE thinking about men exploiting her economic vulnerability to get off. She's in this position because men did that to her when she was a girl: I don't think I can stand watching her be victimized over and over again (this is not her interpretation: she says that it is empowering for her. But I still hate the implicit re-enactment of the trauma).

Sorry this is so long: I guess I had more to say than I thought. I welcome any thoughts on what I've said, and I'll take prayers as well.

Nester



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