Can it get better

[canIstay]

I have been in a 7 year relationship with a man who exhibits BPD.  I am also in recovery in al anon a 12 step program for people who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism.  My current relationship is not an alcoholic but he does fit the BPD personality/behavior.  Our relationship has been filled with verbal abuse and raging.  I am either perfect in every way or he gets triggered and I am evil incarnate. He always feels really guilty or bad for his behavior beats himself up.  Or we get into a loop and there is no answer that satisfies him except that I have done what he suspected and he "sensed" a change in my energy. Since I have been in my 12 step program it did get better.  Mostly because i did not engage and would walk away and not feel responsible for his actions.  Although it helps I am not sure that my program is enough.  He does not identify as BPD but he is very self analytical, looking to improve his psychology and behavior and has been in therapy before.   Two months ago, after a big blow out, I asked him to leave and he has been gone for 2 months.  We still talk on the phone but now he is pressuring me to make a commitment to our future together.

The pattern has been we can go about 2 weeks before it explodes again.  Anything that is said which triggers him is met with rage and verbal abuse.  Is there any hope of this getting better without medication (he will not even consider this) or therapy which he might consider.

Please help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi canIstay and

yes, it can get better. there are tools and resources here (im a huge fan of the communication techniques) that can help you improve your relationship; a lot of that improvement is likely to be at your initiative, and ideally (no guarantee) he will follow your lead. people with BPD are hyper in tune with (real or perceived) changes in our attitude; that might be what he was sensing.

i recall a similar pattern in my relationship, two weeks stress free, no fighting, yet it left me walking on eggshells trying to avoid triggering the next explosion.

to answer your specific questions, medication will not cure BPD though if he suffers from say, anxiety or depression, which can exacerbate BPD, it can help treat those symptoms. therapy (particularly DBT) has a great deal of promise, though there will almost certainly be ups and downs in the course of it; confronting ones inner turmoil is scary.

have you had an opportunity to read through the lessons here (you can find them directly to the right)? there are innumerable resources that apply to, and can help you better understand your situation.

can you elaborate on him pressuring you to make a commitment to your future together? is he pressing for marriage?