Feeling like an addict

[Concerns]

So I am trying to remain relatively NC with my wife. I have been replaced. I was doing ok. Today, I feel like an addict. All I want to do is talk to her. Honestly, I don't really have anyone else.

I've been isolated for a long time now. I have been talking care of myself and my son. But I'm just lonely. And I'd rather have the drama than emptiness. I think part of it stems from knowing someone else is the object of affection even though I know what I know. I want to be able to laugh, hug, kiss, and share with another adult. Although I don't feel like I'm in any shape to do that and be truly fair to another person, I can value the lessons in pain but I feel like an addict. Today, I want something that I know isn't good for me. Today, I want my wife to love me. Today, I want my family back. Today, I want her to love me back. Today, I'm an addict to toxic love. It will be better tomorrow. But not today.

[sweet tooth]

I don't feel like an addict. I AM an addict. I understand exactly what you're going through. My exgf is toxic, yet I think of her every day and miss her like crazy. I get the sweats, the panics, etc. It's practically withdrawal.

Stay strong. I feel your pain 

[Kinglychee1928]

I understand completely and I feel your pain. Unfortunately I'm going through the same type of "withdrawal" myself. Somedays I feel stronger than others but in the past week I actually needed to hide my phone so I won't be impulsive to reach out, I also try to sleep it off so I can shut my brain off. Try to find something to distract yourself and keep yourself busy, I know it's easier said than done. And I actually work with my exBPDbf so he is in my face everyday and I need to fight the constant urge about 6-7 hours a day. But you can do it! Stay STRONG! We are here for you

[Mels]

I, too, understand what you're going through. It's hard to break away from what's familiar. Just try to keep yourself busy and focus on the future. Easier said than done, but know that you're worth more than what you've been used to.

[Ahoy]

100% with you mate.

3 days ago I gave myself a hi-five in the hallway because I felt empowered and saw a faint glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

Now? back to ruminating about the good times (stupidly) and compartmentalising the bad.

Yes we are addicts! and freaking hats off to all of us for being able to admit it. It's the first and hardest step to recovery from any form of addiction.

Try taking yourself on a long walk somewhere peaceful, with lots of birds singing. It might help to pause and appreciate life is beautiful and how awesome it will be when we can embrace it fully again once this addiction eases up.

[JerryRG]

 

[Survivingher]

Ditto

[JQ]

Hi Group!

My name is JQ & and am a BPD addict! BUAHHAAAHA       come one you guys I know that put a smile on your face. It was meant as humor but like everyone here I too think about her, miss her, want her, want us. It's ok, she like your BPD r/s was an important part in your life. But like you, like everyone here I KNOW it's toxic, the BPD & NON r/s will be the demise of me. I can either LIVE and do it without her or I can be with her for what will surely be a shorten lifespan filled with nothing but chaos, pain, hurt and I will be recycle after recycle. I KNOW the power to end the drama lies within ME!  And so the power to end your pain & drama lies within YOU!

Look behind you, you see all of US here to help you with a hand up!  Now look forward what do you see?    That's the light at the end of the tunnel!   YOU got this!

YOU have to take a active role in YOUR own recovery!   So reach out to an old friend you've lost tough with and get caught up on the phone. Call a couple of friends and do that!  Get OUTSIDE with your son and go for a walk. Enjoy the sun the birds, the breeze on your face!  Get back into shape & help your son learn that exercise can be fun and good for you at the same time.  Enjoy this time with your son and build the bond that we know you want and can do!  Go for a ice cream cone.  Make a weekend get away with your son. Go to another city and plan a day at the zoo or an amusement park or a movie!  Go see a friend out of town and take your son!  

Here's a little motivation video for you. I want you to watch it every morning when you get up!  Play it 2-5-7 times in a row everyday if you have too!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

Remember, WE ALL have to take an active role in our own recovery!  AND for the moments you stumble, hold out a hand and someone here will help you up so you can continue you journey of self discovery!     

J

[JQ]

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[WalkingAway]

I left my BPD-ex gf six months ago and she escalated her destructive behavior (threats, drugs, getting arrested etc) And even after all that and getting a restraining order and me moving to the other side of the country with our 2s (and she getting supervised visitation only), I am still struggling not to check her facebook and blog... .One part of me wants to keep track on what she is doing because it might be relevant to our hearing in a couple of months but I know this is not the only reason, because I have more than enough "proof" that supervised visitation is the best for 2s... I am trying to figure out what it is that is really making me check up on her but it is hard. And I know I should stop because giving her hits on her blog only makes her post more ridiculous things... .

[Suspicious1]

Yes, I'm definitely an addict. I accepted it very early on. It was all that traumatic bonding that did it, and now, two years NC, I still think about my drug of choice every day. I still crave it, still look for it, still have to make a concerted effort to stay NC.

It's not as if I can't enjoy life or anything - I've built a whole new life and there are many things I plan and take part in and enjoy that have nothing at all to do with my ex. But I'm an addict, working every day to stay clean. One day at a time.