Struggling with thoughts of reaching out

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

About two months ago, I was discarded and my BPD exgf told me not to contact her anymore. 

I am having strong impulses to contact her, mostly to apologize for my role in the relationship's demise. I also want to say I have no ill feelings toward her and don't want it to be awkward if we ever run into each other (we have mutual acquaintances and it's not beyond the realm of possibility).  I'd like to add that if she ever changes her mind that I'd be willing to work on (slowly) rekindling friendly relations.

However, I feel very conflicted about this.  I WANT to do it, but I'm afraid of the reaction. I don't want to get an angry e-mail in response or, worse yet, radio silence. There's a definite possibility of opening the door to more abuse.  I'd also be violating a boundary, which stated, "do not contact me again."

Also, she's emotionally unstable.  I'm fairly certain that a healthy individual would appreciate the effort, but an unstable person is somewhat unpredictable.  Lastly, I think she WANTS me to come back and beg.  I want to maintain my dignity rather than kiss her ***.

I feel like there was no finality, even though I received a definitive demand.  She's disappeared before, and there is a definite correlation between how close we got and the severity of the disappearing act: First it was a day, then a few days, then a week, then a few weeks, then over a month, and lastly a declaration of no contact and approaching two months of it.  It always happened after a night of fun and emotional intimacy (we never had sex.  She was extraordinarily reserved in that regard) and she would usually come back as if nothing ever happened or say, "I've been depressed."  In other words, she could pop back up at any time now, even though she disappeared.   I feel like she goes into a shell to protect herself from intense feelings.

This sucks. Hardcore sucks.  There is, without a doubt, an addictive element to this.  I'm convinced that the intermittent reinforcement makes you crave the rollercoaster.

I want to send the letter, but I'm not going to.  I'm just really struggling not to. 

[sweet tooth]

About two months ago, I was discarded and my BPD exgf told me not to contact her anymore. 

I am having strong impulses to contact her, mostly to apologize for my role in the relationship's demise. I also want to say I have no ill feelings toward her and don't want it to be awkward if we ever run into each other (we have mutual acquaintances and it's not beyond the realm of possibility).  I'd like to add that if she ever changes her mind that I'd be willing to work on (slowly) rekindling friendly relations.

However, I feel very conflicted about this.  I WANT to do it, but I'm afraid of the reaction. I don't want to get an angry e-mail in response or, worse yet, radio silence. There's a definite possibility of opening the door to more abuse.  I'd also be violating a boundary, which stated, "do not contact me again."

Also, she's emotionally unstable.  I'm fairly certain that a healthy individual would appreciate the effort, but an unstable person is somewhat unpredictable.  Lastly, I think she WANTS me to come back and beg.  I want to maintain my dignity rather than kiss her ***.

I feel like there was no finality, even though I received a definitive demand.  She's disappeared before, and there is a definite correlation between how close we got and the severity of the disappearing act: First it was a day, then a few days, then a week, then a few weeks, then over a month, and lastly a declaration of no contact and approaching two months of it.  It always happened after a night of fun and emotional intimacy (we never had sex.  She was extraordinarily reserved in that regard) and she would usually come back as if nothing ever happened or say, "I've been depressed."  In other words, she could pop back up at any time now, even though she disappeared.   I feel like she goes into a shell to protect herself from intense feelings.

This sucks. Hardcore sucks.  There is, without a doubt, an addictive element to this.  I'm convinced that the intermittent reinforcement makes you crave the rollercoaster.

I want to send the letter, but I'm not going to.  I'm just really struggling not to. 

[Ahoy]

About two months ago, I was discarded and my BPD exgf told me not to contact her anymore. 

I am having strong impulses to contact her, mostly to apologize for my role in the relationship's demise. I also want to say I have no ill feelings toward her and don't want it to be awkward if we ever run into each other (we have mutual acquaintances and it's not beyond the realm of possibility).  I'd like to add that if she ever changes her mind that I'd be willing to work on (slowly) rekindling friendly relations.

However, I feel very conflicted about this.  I WANT to do it, but I'm afraid of the reaction. I don't want to get an angry e-mail in response or, worse yet, radio silence. There's a definite possibility of opening the door to more abuse.  I'd also be violating a boundary, which stated, "do not contact me again."

Also, she's emotionally unstable.  I'm fairly certain that a healthy individual would appreciate the effort, but an unstable person is somewhat unpredictable.  Lastly, I think she WANTS me to come back and beg.  I want to maintain my dignity rather than kiss her ***.

I feel like there was no finality, even though I received a definitive demand.  She's disappeared before, and there is a definite correlation between how close we got and the severity of the disappearing act: First it was a day, then a few days, then a week, then a few weeks, then over a month, and lastly a declaration of no contact and approaching two months of it.  It always happened after a night of fun and emotional intimacy (we never had sex.  She was extraordinarily reserved in that regard) and she would usually come back as if nothing ever happened or say, "I've been depressed."  In other words, she could pop back up at any time now, even though she disappeared.   I feel like she goes into a shell to protect herself from intense feelings.

This sucks. Hardcore sucks.  There is, without a doubt, an addictive element to this.  I'm convinced that the intermittent reinforcement makes you crave the rollercoaster.

I want to send the letter, but I'm not going to.  I'm just really struggling not to. 

Ok roleplay time. Pretend your post is a friend talking to you, asking HIM for advice. Read what you wrote and factor in how your 'friend' was treated in his relationship. Could you in good faith tell him it would be a good idea? That's for you to determine.


Another way to view this (because I think you are right on the money about addiction) is replace Ex BPD with 'alcohol fix' or 'drug fix'. See how eerily similar some of the comments on these forums talk about this as if it was a substance abuse problem.

I think we are all at various stages of withdrawal. Our body is naturally inclined to reach out in these moments, to get that dopamine fix. Myself included! I know my ex-wife is happily romancing her new man, doesn't want anything to do with me AND I know she is bad, bad news yet I still feel the loss of communication between her.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

[sweet tooth]

I would tell my friend not to contact her because she told him not to and it might get ugly. I'd tell him to keep the option open if she contacted him, but not to go out of his way to contact her. I'd also remind him that she's emotionally unstable.

[sweet tooth]

I'd also tell him to set boundaries if she re-engages. Beyond that I wouldn't know what to tell him.

[Ahoy]

I would tell my friend not to contact her because she told him not to and it might get ugly. I'd tell him to keep the option open if she contacted him, but not to go out of his way to contact her. I'd also remind him that she's emotionally unstable.

Sounds like good advice to me! Remember also if she is BPD, any reason for her reaching out to you is for HER needs only. Knowing the good advice you gave your 'friend' will hopefully keep you strong today =)

[sweet tooth]

I would tell my friend not to contact her because she told him not to and it might get ugly. I'd tell him to keep the option open if she contacted him, but not to go out of his way to contact her. I'd also remind him that she's emotionally unstable.

Sounds like good advice to me! Remember also if she is BPD, any reason for her reaching out to you is for HER needs only. Knowing the good advice you gave your 'friend' will hopefully keep you strong today =)

I struggle with if she has BPD or not. Even though she exhibits some traits of a BPD Waif, I'm not a professional and not in a position to make a diagnoses. She also has traits of Avoidant Personality Disorder and, according to her, was emotionally and physically abused by her ex-husband. She could have PTSD. She could have a combination of these things. I don't know.

All I do know is that she can't handle strong emotions and she's emotionally unstable. I have no anger toward her. I actually have a lot of compassion and pity for her. Another reason why I don't want to engage is because I truly do care about her and I became a trigger. I think it's kind of selfish to engage somebody you care about knowing that you could potentially make them feel badly.

God, this sucks... .

[Ahoy]

That's part of the problem, we don't fully know because like most of us, we are speculating from things we have read.

What you have told me is that this is a person your gut tells you is very unwell. Just like me this morning, I was making breakfast, in fantasy land wishing I could just make my wife well and go back to our plans and dreams (and happiness)

Coming to terms with what's happened and what your Ex might suffer, and the effect it has had on you is probably the hardest thing we will ever deal with aside from loss of a loved one.

I know I'm a trigger, this whole mess is cruel and it most certainly is NOT fair at all. It's why we all come here for support when we feel weak.

I hope you feel better tomorrow.

[AndrewS]

Sweet tooth, you could have copied my thoughts :-) But, they are what STOP me from recontacting. Do you really want to know someone who you have to be careful if not frightened about every single thing you say? I role play it in my mind to try to figure out what I want to say and not get a bad reaction and then think, why do I even want to engage with someone who forces me to think like that.

[HurtinNW]

What is it you truly want out of it? If you could daydream the perfect outcome, what would it look like?

[Ahoy]

What is it you truly want out of it? If you could daydream the perfect outcome, what would it look like?

Obviously one of us needs to invent the magic memory loss pens from Men In Black. Then everything would be awesome!

[HurtinNW]

What is it you truly want out of it? If you could daydream the perfect outcome, what would it look like?

Obviously one of us needs to invent the magic memory loss pens from Men In Black. Then everything would be awesome!

[/quote

Exactly! But I find daydreaming a useful tool. When I want to contact my ex I ask myself why, and daydream exactly what the perfect outcome will be. By the time I get into it I am thinking nahhhhh and no way! and not a chance. Sometimes I end up laughing. Or just feeling sad. Because what I want is never going to happen.

Envisioning what we are hoping for can be an effective, if painful, reality check.

[GoingBack2OC]

I too have been right where you are, on a number of occasions.

Where a fight with my uBPDexGF would be blown either way out of proportion to what it ever should have been, or the same, and ended in me being discarded or just given total silent treatment.

During some of these fights, I did things or said things I am not proud of. I can only say that I feel had I not been provoked, manipulated, been straight up lied to on so many accounts, and began to feel insane... .due to what was going on-- I would have never said or done those things.

I know before this partner I had never acted that way. I posted a while back how I called about a year ago my prior long term ex, just for advice. I wanted to know if I had ever called her mean names, said really mean things. She was really nice and talked to me for over an hour (she's married now/then), so I know it wasn't cool of me to call, but I just really needed to know "is this how I always have been or just now?".  I told her I'm asking her if I was that way-- because I couldn't remember.

She said this:  No, we never fought that way. We hardly fought at all. I don't remember anything that was over the top out of line etc.

I broke down crying at that point-- because I realized this new person, over the past 5 years, through the lies, gaslighting, manipulation, doing things to make me believe she was cheating, just plain crazy insane drama-- had changed my behavior (at least in those moments).

So... .my point- is that I have been in your situation. Going back in my head over the fights, just honestly not understanding- feeling regretful for things I had said- and the way I am: I apologize when I do something wrong. I don't seek drama. I know when I mess up, and I come clean, I apologize.

So regardless of what -she- had done to -me-, I still felt bad and felt it necessary to apologize for -my- actions.

Now, the outcome? Never what I was aiming for. Never.

In past relationships and friendships; when you care or love someone, and make a mistake, and apologize; a healthy person welcomes this; because they don't want drama either. They say, I'm sorry too, I can see how what I did made you upset. And then we hug it out and remain friends/in love. Its simple.

My uBPDexGF:  She could have done the most insane thing, like perhaps telling me she cheated, breaking my heart, going silent, for a week, then coming back saying it was a joke, she was testing me. Ok-- crazy right?

Well I'm sure after that I was VERY upset. Why would she do something like that? Who on earth does that? And I am sure I said some mean and nasty things.

So after my "contributions" to the drama- being upset that is -and me apologizing for saying what I said:  There would never ever ever be an apology from her.

The FEW times she did apologize to me: I had to ask for it. And well, that makes it worthless. One time, after telling her I felt I deserved an apology: She called, gave me a heartfelt apology which sounded very convincing, only to end it with: "But I just want to be honest" I dont know why or for what I am apologizing for".

99 times out of 100, me contacting her to apologize would result in her going on a rampage, bringing up every little thing that ever happened or thing I did, distortion of the facts, name calling, and then hanging up on me. She loved, I mean LOVED, to punish me.

So I would really, take a moment and go through the scenario in your head. Close your eyes, imagine, knowing how she acts and responds, what will play out and how? Knowing what you already know about her:  Will you walk away feeling better, or worse. Will you get what you came for.

Only you can answer that, but as for my exGF-- I should have learned long before it was over. Because I never was given peace when I came offering just that.

[sweet tooth]

I too have been right where you are, on a number of occasions.

Where a fight with my uBPDexGF would be blown either way out of proportion to what it ever should have been, or the same, and ended in me being discarded or just given total silent treatment.

During some of these fights, I did things or said things I am not proud of. I can only say that I feel had I not been provoked, manipulated, been straight up lied to on so many accounts, and began to feel insane... .due to what was going on-- I would have never said or done those things.

I know before this partner I had never acted that way. I posted a while back how I called about a year ago my prior long term ex, just for advice. I wanted to know if I had ever called her mean names, said really mean things. She was really nice and talked to me for over an hour (she's married now/then), so I know it wasn't cool of me to call, but I just really needed to know "is this how I always have been or just now?".  I told her I'm asking her if I was that way-- because I couldn't remember.

She said this:  No, we never fought that way. We hardly fought at all. I don't remember anything that was over the top out of line etc.

I broke down crying at that point-- because I realized this new person, over the past 5 years, through the lies, gaslighting, manipulation, doing things to make me believe she was cheating, just plain crazy insane drama-- had changed my behavior (at least in those moments).

So... .my point- is that I have been in your situation. Going back in my head over the fights, just honestly not understanding- feeling regretful for things I had said- and the way I am: I apologize when I do something wrong. I don't seek drama. I know when I mess up, and I come clean, I apologize.

So regardless of what -she- had done to -me-, I still felt bad and felt it necessary to apologize for -my- actions.

Now, the outcome? Never what I was aiming for. Never.

In past relationships and friendships; when you care or love someone, and make a mistake, and apologize; a healthy person welcomes this; because they don't want drama either. They say, I'm sorry too, I can see how what I did made you upset. And then we hug it out and remain friends/in love. Its simple.

My uBPDexGF:  She could have done the most insane thing, like perhaps telling me she cheated, breaking my heart, going silent, for a week, then coming back saying it was a joke, she was testing me. Ok-- crazy right?

Well I'm sure after that I was VERY upset. Why would she do something like that? Who on earth does that? And I am sure I said some mean and nasty things.

So after my "contributions" to the drama- being upset that is -and me apologizing for saying what I said:  There would never ever ever be an apology from her.

The FEW times she did apologize to me: I had to ask for it. And well, that makes it worthless. One time, after telling her I felt I deserved an apology: She called, gave me a heartfelt apology which sounded very convincing, only to end it with: "But I just want to be honest" I dont know why or for what I am apologizing for".

99 times out of 100, me contacting her to apologize would result in her going on a rampage, bringing up every little thing that ever happened or thing I did, distortion of the facts, name calling, and then hanging up on me. She loved, I mean LOVED, to punish me.

So I would really, take a moment and go through the scenario in your head. Close your eyes, imagine, knowing how she acts and responds, what will play out and how? Knowing what you already know about her:  Will you walk away feeling better, or worse. Will you get what you came for.

Only you can answer that, but as for my exGF-- I should have learned long before it was over. Because I never was given peace when I came offering just that.

Thank you, everyone, for your responses.

From past experience, I would just get silence if I sent her a letter. Then she would appear out of the blue as if nothing ever happened. I think it's all about control. I think she enjoys giving me mixed messages in order for me to chase her. It's probably an ego boost.

Also, she dysregulates and becomes anti-social, not just with me but with everybody. So I don't know what's going on with that. I'm about 90% sure that she monitors me on LinkedIn (and probably Facebook). She RSVPed to a Meet Up that my friend (who I met her through) would be going to if we didn't have s wedding to go to that night (but she doesn't know that). He told me in the past whenever she wasn't talking to me that she would cancel going to Meet Ups. I don't know if it's because he was going to be there or if she was just being anti-social.

It's all very confusing and hurtful.

[WoundedBibi]

The best way to predict the future is look at the past. You already know what happens if you reach out. You know the pattern. You wrote it down. A day, a few days, a week, a few weeks, a month, more than a month, now almost two.

If she is receptive when you reach out all it takes is one night of fun and emotional intimacy for her to back off again. And then it will be 3 months of silent treatment. One night of intimacy. 4 months. What is the point of rekindling? Is this how you want to live your life? To have one night of emotional intimacy and afterwards a growing amount of months of no contact so she can pull herself together? What chance is there realistically of it ever deepening beyond this if one night of emotional intimacy scares her THAT much?

[Ahoy]

The best way to predict the future is look at the past. You already know what happens if you reach out. You know the pattern. You wrote it down. A day, a few days, a week, a few weeks, a month, more than a month, now almost two.

If she is receptive when you reach out all it takes is one night of fun and emotional intimacy for her to back off again. And then it will be 3 months of silent treatment. One night of intimacy. 4 months. What is the point of rekindling? Is this how you want to live your life? To have one night of emotional intimacy and afterwards a growing amount of months of no contact so she can pull herself together? What chance is there realistically of it ever deepening beyond this if one night of emotional intimacy scares her THAT much?

You know the more I read these threads, the more I accept we are all just a bunch of addicts at various stages of recovery . I guess it makes it easier to depersonalize this whole mess.

[WoundedBibi]

The best way to predict the future is look at the past. You already know what happens if you reach out. You know the pattern. You wrote it down. A day, a few days, a week, a few weeks, a month, more than a month, now almost two.

If she is receptive when you reach out all it takes is one night of fun and emotional intimacy for her to back off again. And then it will be 3 months of silent treatment. One night of intimacy. 4 months. What is the point of rekindling? Is this how you want to live your life? To have one night of emotional intimacy and afterwards a growing amount of months of no contact so she can pull herself together? What chance is there realistically of it ever deepening beyond this if one night of emotional intimacy scares her THAT much?

You know the more I read these threads, the more I accept we are all just a bunch of addicts at various stages of recovery . I guess it makes it easier to depersonalize this whole mess.

As with everything it is easier to see if it isn't your own 'mess' or addiction...

[jessedsickabouther]

My opinion is do not contact her . Ever.

Do you want to know what closure is ? Closure is the information that you already have and Accepting it .

You will never get closure from her . You will never get an apology unless she needs you . People that care about you do not tell you to get out of their life . The contact will not be welcome and she will not understand it and even if she does she will not deal with it . It will just make you see the reality of the situation and probably only frustrate you more but it could make you realize to just give up . In fact it will probably do both

I tried everything personally and it's just a waste of time . I have a girlfriend who knows all about chicks like this and she calls BPDs time wasters. You're wasting your time and your life on something that isn't even worth it you are grieving you are sad that's all that's normal . You made some mistakes forgive yourself . We all do in  these relationships because it's so frustrating.

I stopped dating for three months then I sent emails and we texted back-and-forth a little but I didn't feel better because she never even wants was sorry asked how I was doing . How is that normal ? Now for the past six weeks I've been dating somebody else and it's so much better . I only come on here sporadically just to see if there's anybody that I can help in someway because if you move on to something else you'll stop thinking about this so much . And I highly recommend that most people stay off of these boards and stop posting so much because you get stuck in it . I'm not saying that they're not helpful up to a point but you can't sit here day after day all day analyzing the crap out of everything because you're not moving forward .

Trust me I speak from experience I'd spend like 10 hours a day on here now maybe 5 to 10 minutes and some days not at all because I'm actually enjoying life again and letting go . I know it's hard but you don't need to write her and you don't need to contact her and honestly in a few months you probably won't care anymore anyway . There's nothing magical you can say to make the situation better and she can't handle it anyway . She doesn't know anything other than to not deal with it and that's not fair to you you deserve somebody that you can communicate with.

Trust me I tried I wrote a few very long emails one blaming her and one being very nice and loving neither were received with any sort of acknowledgment . And it really just showed me wow I wasted eight months for someone that never really cared

You gonna do what you want to do but if you're expecting anything positive in the long run I think you're kidding yourself because all roads lead back to a dead-end just get out of the cycle and enjoy your life and I promise you there so many better women out there

[Caley]

Hello Sweetooth,

About two months ago, I was discarded and my BPD exgf told me not to contact her anymore.

Dealing with rejection and being told by the person you care about 'not to make contact' is agonising. At the same time ... this is a request, a boundary, and as hard as it is ... you should respect it. Doing anything contrary to this request is boundary busting and showing disrespect to someone's request; regardless of whether this person is an emotional manipulator or a non-BPD. Does that make sense? You've been asked to 'not contact'.

I am having strong impulses to contact her, mostly to apologize for my role in the relationship's demise. I also want to say I have no ill feelings toward her and don't want it to be awkward if we ever run into each other (we have mutual acquaintances and it's not beyond the realm of possibility).  I'd like to add that if she ever changes her mind that I'd be willing to work on (slowly) rekindling friendly relations.

Accept these impulses ... but do not act on them. Acting on them, and contacting her, is a direct violation of the 'request' that you 'do not contact'. She's asked you not to, so don't!

It is magnanimous of you to want to explain and apologise for your behaviour that has contributed to 'the split'. But you have been asked 'to not contact'. So, do not make contact. She already knows, if she changes her mind, that she can come back to you. So, you don't 'need' to tell her. If you run into each other (and, she might very well construct an opportunity) maintain your ethics.

However, I feel very conflicted about this.  I WANT to do it, but I'm afraid of the reaction. I don't want to get an angry e-mail in response or, worse yet, radio silence. There's a definite possibility of opening the door to more abuse.  I'd also be violating a boundary, which stated, "do not contact me again."

You will feel conflicted because things are conflicted and not making sense ... accept this, for now. If you contact her you will either receive and angry response (because you have violated a boundary) or 'silence' ... which will hurt. Your own words, and what to do (which is to do nothing) are directing and guiding you here.

Also, she's emotionally unstable.  I'm fairly certain that a healthy individual would appreciate the effort, but an unstable person is somewhat unpredictable.  Lastly, I think she WANTS me to come back and beg.  I want to maintain my dignity rather than kiss her ***.

She may very well be 'emotionally unstable' ... show me someone who isn't occasionally emotionally unstable and I'll show you a manikin! She absolutely doesn't want you to 'come back and beg'. If you do ... it will disgust her, so don't go back or beg. Read your last sentence again ... maintain your dignity and self respect by not 'kissing her arse' and making contact. Has it occurred to you that what she might actually be looking for is for you to show her some strength?

I feel like there was no finality, even though I received a definitive demand.  She's disappeared before, and there is a definite correlation between how close we got and the severity of the disappearing act: First it was a day, then a few days, then a week, then a few weeks, then over a month, and lastly a declaration of no contact and approaching two months of it.  It always happened after a night of fun and emotional intimacy (we never had sex.  She was extraordinarily reserved in that regard) and she would usually come back as if nothing ever happened or say, "I've been depressed."  In other words, she could pop back up at any time now, even though she disappeared.   I feel like she goes into a shell to protect herself from intense feelings.

There rarely is finality because (although you perceive it) it isn't yet over for her. So, be quiet and do not make contact. She hasn't finished with you yet ... but what you do next will determine whether she does decide to 'finish it'.

This sucks. Hardcore sucks.  There is, without a doubt, an addictive element to this.  I'm convinced that the intermittent reinforcement makes you crave the rollercoaster.

Limerence is addictive ... real love, respect and considerate caring, though, are NOT drugs ... they are your basic human rights. So, don't be a pigeon pecking at a lever for intermittent rewards. Because you deserve the whole loaf you should refuse just a few crumbs. Accepting crumbs shows that you do not value yourself.

I want to send the letter, but I'm not going to.  I'm just really struggling not to.  

Listen to your own words ... don't send it.

Stay strong ... stay silent ... that's what she's asking you to do.

Best wishes,

Caley.

[SilentBPD]

I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum, Caley you quoted:

":)ealing with rejection and being told by the person you care about 'not to make contact' is agonising. At the same time ... this is a request, a boundary, and as hard as it is ... you should respect it. Doing anything contrary to this request is boundary busting and showing disrespect to someone's request; regardless of whether this person is an emotional manipulator or a non-BPD. Does that make sense? You've been asked to 'not contact'. "

What led to our final last conversation (which you would not have paid me a million dollars to predict)... .was he was away for work and kept hanging up on me on the phone and being cold/irritable, etc. and it was getting exhausting. After one night of him picking a fight and being silent/cold on the phone then hanging up on me, I texted him "this is over", "please do not contact me", then "this isn't working anymore I'm sick of going to bed mad/angry every night"... .mind you I was frusterated with the hang ups and moody behavior he was displaying (side note, he was away for work for 6 weeks, he had never acted like this when he was in town... .cold/irritable... etc.). And he had thrown out "i'm done" mulitiple times before but the next morning I would always wake up to a 'good morning' text and we would start fresh the next day, have good text convo, but then came the nightly phone convo and it would get cold/moody/hang up. Long story short, and I've posted my story on here before, the next morning I had NO text, so I thought he just needed time to cool off. I wrote him this big long email telling him how amazing he was, but the nightly cold phone calls with hang ups were exhausting. I also apologized for saying 'do not contact me', that I said it out of anger and I was sorry for that. I also said sorry for saying that in mulitple messages along with calls/voicemails/multiple messages about please let me know what's going on, etc... .

Long story short, it's been 6 weeks and not ONE peep. It's been a nightmare. The only way I found out we weren't together is he finally told his mom he had broken up with me and me and her are close. He didn't tell her until weeks after.

He's back in town now and I saw him a few times at the bar over the weekend, I kept going up to him asking "will you please talk to me"... .at which he would either walk away or say "I don't want to talk".

I talked to his friend just trying to get some sort of clarity and he said that he literally took the words "please do not contact me" literally. But then I explained that I had messaged him/emailed/called apologizing and saying that it was immature.

So I guess I'm kind of on the flip side, I said those words (did not mean them), have apologized, and six weeks later, my boyfriend who I thought loved and cared about me will not speak or acknowledge me. He leaves again this weekend for another six weeks for work. I'm tempted to go out Friday to the bar to try and get him to talk one more time, but I know that is probably a waste of time.

I'm not going to lose sleep over saying what I said because at the end of day if someone loves you, nothing will stop them from reaching out. Plus I said sorry and that I 100% did not mean that.

Soo any advice?

[SilentBPD]

Also, side note about Sunday night when I saw him at the bar after I talked with his friend, I went up to him because he was standing next to a mutual friend and said "Hey I know you don't want to talk, but I think it's funny that we are both wearing funny cat t-shirts"... .he actually smirked. Then pointed to the beer garden deck (not saying words). So I said, "do you want me to leave?"... .nothing... .then I said "do you want to talk to me?"... .at which he kept pointing and shook his head yes. So I reiterated, "you want to talk to me outside?"... .and he shook his head yes. I should have made him go with me right there but I said "okay I'll meet you outside"... .thinking it was weird he couldn't use words but whatever. As soon as I went outside I just had a feeling he wasn't coming, so I went back in. Found him again, and said "hey I thought you wanted to talk outside"... at which he got flustered and said madly "I don't want to talk to you! just leave, just leave"... .so I calmly put my drink down and left.

Not trying to cling on to anything, but what was with the finger pointing to the deck and shaking his head "yes" that he wanted to talk... .Was that a break through or am I clinging on to false hopes?

[jammo1989]

Hey all, im an old member here as i signed up a a few yeas ago after a very toxic relationship.  I to am feeling just like you right now, conflicting thoughts of reaching out as I was blocked for nearly 2 years  and within the last 2 months have recently been unblocked.  I would like to breakdown why I feel like this and why I have concluded that its not a good idea.  These are a few things that ive picked up and learned over the past years, and I hope it helps you to make the right decision in regards with these thoughts.

The 1st major thing i learned is this, If shes a Borderline (The lonely child) then just like others have said she will only reach out when an attachment is needed, and this next bit was why I struggled.  If she is a true borderline it brings out my co-dependent side, want her to be happy, have the life style I have, protect her etc.  BUT if she is potentially co-morbid with NPD,HPD, ASPD then her core responses towards you will be extremely different.  For example, my ex was more on the HPD side, overly sexualised and would almost become extremely Narcissistic when men gave her attention.  IF i were to contact her and reach out, I am now taking the gamble of her being more BPD than I once thought, and activating my co dependent side again, or activating my competitive side if she was more HPD, for example bragging about all these men that apparently want her, etc.  What Im trying to get at here is this, unless she has been officially diagnosed with BPD then the gamble is not worth taking.  The Borderline will draw you in by playing the victim and recruiting you as the rescuer (White Knight) The HPD will feed off you for attention and will add you to her ever growing fan club where you will solely be used to compliment her in order to keep her low self esteem from coming to the surface.  Furthermore, If she has NPD traits which a lot apparently do, she will use you when she needs you, she will also exploit your good nature and manipulate you to test your own self esteem and boundaries.  I would also like to mention that there are to very different outcomes that come from dealing with Cluster Bs, This is in relation to me personally.  If your ex was BPD you become the father, you are there to protect her support her, and care for her, not as a boy friend but as a father, they tend to test our boundaries because they like to see what they can potentially get away with, almost like the child who keeps crying for that packet of sweets in the store, if they cry loud enough will you as the parent set or break the boundary.  The other outcome for me was this, If your ex was NPD/HPD you tend to mirror their behavior as a means of setting boundaries, If my ex compared me to another male I wouldn't snap, I would almost put up these defenses by saying something negative about that person and something positive about myself, when you learn that all these negative remarks are actually a test of boundary and reactions you learn to put up your own Narcissistic defenses.  I was and still am a very compassionate guy, but when you learn that if you dont give them the best sex ever or make yourself out to be superior to everyone you get compared to you will eventually break and look weak. 

Those are my conflicting thoughts about reaching out right now, do I reach out after being unblocked and take the gamble she was more BPD and stop the resentment and finally forgive, or do I take the gamble knowing shes more HPD/NPD (I think she is) and activate this competitive fake narcissist within myself as a way of keeping her in check?  At the end of the day you cant reach out because it will never end how you want it to.  You will either become depressed and put your mental health at risk for being too loving and compassionate, which then leads to you questioning was it me? or you like myself will put up these defenses to stop you getting hurt again and become this fake person that doesnt hold the values you grew up with.  For example, my ex wanted me to be a Christian Grey when I first got with her (50 shades of grey) she wanted to be dominated in the bedroom and loved being spoken to with authority ":)o you understand young lady* etc.  I changed who I was to act out her own fantasy, it wasn't a healthy relationship.  Im also certain that what you went through wasn't healthy either.  Sorry for the long post but I just wanted to share my experiences and thoughts after being 20 months NC.


Take care


Jammo                 

[AndrewS]

Hey Silent BPD,

Very similar to me except that it's 7 months now. Long story but after 5.5 years and a couple of recycles which I knew nothing about back then, she pushed me so hard that I suggested we take a break to gather ourselves. She had worked out the most excruciating things to do to hurt me and used them to push me to the limit. We agreed on a 1 month break. 2 weeks in she told me she was happier without me and that's it. No discussion nothing. Subsequently she kept trying to talk and I asked her not to. Every time I agreed to talk it was just nasty abuse with the things she knew would hurt most and her complete denial that anything is wrong with her. A litany of things wrong with me, ways I have hurt and betrayed her but... .she still wanted to be friends? When I finally said no because it hurts too much she told me I was being childish and controlling. I ended it by saying I will never talk again unless she is prepared to take at least SOME responsibility for her own actions and I have never heard from her since. She is now with a guy whom I know well and I know she has seduced him and is disrespecting herself and he will use her. I know it has to be over. I feel sad and scared for her but she never and certainly isn't now worrying about me. I think once the break has been made take full advantage and make it further and further every day.