finally hit numb again after a really intense week plus three days

[voltclimb]

Summary of previous thread: I just got out of a five day encounter with a probably-borderline-but-who-really-knows who painted me solidly white for three days, was kind of in the middle for two days, and then abruptly cut contact, which triggered me pretty hard and I spent three days recovering and feeling a bunch of stuff.

"In the middle" actually gave me pause now that I wrote it... what's funny is that she said she went through DBT, but it was for complex trauma, which overlaps with BPD but is not the same thing... anyway... it doesn't matter now.

I made a decision today to cut her off for good.

I've hit my usual "numb and slightly anxious" that I get after being able to feel a lot of feelings for a while (I have complex trauma myself and have been doing EMDR for it for a couple years).  Maybe a 2 out of 10 on intensity of emotion--I can feel it, but I have to focus.  The rest is almost pure moderate to mild anxiety.

I miss my feelings, but I know they're still there and I am thankful for the respite from the intense shame and sadness.  I captured a lot of journal entries and recordings during the process and I have some new insight into myself.  Ahh... not entirely numb, as I said, I have a little sadness now...

I hope that I can move towards better boundaries and better relationships.