Talk sense into me - this is coincidence, right?

[Suspicious1]

This place has always proved a useful barometer for my suspicions when it comes to my exBPDbf. In the past when we've split up, my instincts have always proved right but that doesn't mean they always will be. I don't know how paranoid I'm being.

I walked away from the relationship with my exBPDbf nearly 2 years ago. Prior to that we'd been together for 18 months, and during that time he split me black four times, each time giving me the ST for anything from a few days to several weeks. He had a history of giving people in his family the ST for several years at a time before reconnecting. For him, extended STs then reconnections is not unusual.

When he was giving me the ST before, and again when we split up for the final time, he used social media to get to me, snipe at me, triangulate me, try to get me back etc. To start with I thought I was just being paranoid and self-referential, but on the occasions we reconciled, he confirmed that I'd been right and he had been deliberately trying to communicate. He told me he used my social media profiles to keep an eye on what I was doing, to make it look like he was doing well without me etc.

When we were dating, we lived about 30 miles apart. I heard through mutual friends that a few months later, he moved to a very small town that was a lot closer to me, so at that point we lived 15 miles apart. I don't believe for a second that this was by design, it's just how it worked out. About half way between us there was a small town with a few facilities, one of which is a fitness centre that I joined about a year ago. I've hardly been because of my lack of childcare, but I "liked" their page on FB when I joined, and although he and I weren't friends on FB, we had not blocked each other so if he'd ever looked at my page he'd have seen that gym on my page of "likes". 

At the beginning of this year, I also moved house. I happened to move a few miles closer to where he now lives, just on the outskirts of the town with my fitness centre in. He now lives about 8 miles away. Just before I moved, a mutual friend told him I was about to move to the outskirts of this town. Two weeks later on my FB feed, I saw I post by the fitness centre which showed a photo of my ex at one of their fitness classes. I scanned back through their posts and I can't see any evidence that he was there before then, though it's possible.

It's not unreasonable for him to have joined a gym 8 miles from his home and it could be coincidence, but it's nagging at me. He seems to have joined at the same time he found out I'd just moved to that town, and there are bigger towns with better facilities the same kind of distance away in the other direction, closer to his family and usual social circle. He'd have been able to see I was a member of that gym, if he'd looked at my FB page. Since that first time, he's popped up in photos on the gym's feed several times - it seems he now goes to that gym regularly.

This could all be coincidence, but like I say, it's nagging at me. In scenario 1, he's forgotten all about me, never stalks my profiles, and just happened to join the same gym as me. We live less than 10 miles apart, it's not unreasonable. In scenario 2, he's deliberately joined a gym he might know I'm a member of in the town he definitely knows I live in. He's made no other attempts to communicate with me, even covertly on social media, for the past 18 months. The only other strange coincidences is that he's been to social events he knows I occasionally attend (I've not gone on those occasions so haven't bumped into him yet).

Collective thoughts welcome... .

[WoundedBibi]

I get where you're coming from... Let's look at it from another angle, what would either scenario mean for you?

[Suspicious1]

I don't know really, Woundedbibi. It wouldn't change my behaviour except I'll be careful about going to that gym and avoid the days I think he's going to be there (the gym exclusively runs classes and I can have a good guess at the classes he wouldn't go to). I refuse to do more than that as I don't want to limit my life because of him, although at the same time I do not want to instigate any kind of meeting. All I can do is attend on the days I don't think he'll go. I want to take my kids to classes there, and he won't go to the kids classes so that's safe. And if I do beginner classes in anything, I doubt he'd be there then either.

Since we split, I've felt protective about myself when it comes to him. I've never hidden the fact that I know I'm an addict. Any contact with him would lead to a "one more hit" mentality and could royally screw up my life and the progress I've made. Like any recovering addict I wish I could have that drug consequence free, but I know I can't, and like any recovering addict I know that every day I have to protect myself from anything that means I'd come into contact with it. How I wish things had been different. Do I crave a reconciliation? Part of me absolutely does. But the fear of it actually happening keeps me away, and drives my self-protective behaviour. Forewarned is forearmed, and it means I can keep myself safe.

So that's what either scenario means for me: knowing he's there gives me the ability to keep avoiding him. More specifically, scenario 1 means I've been forgotten which hurts, but is good for me. It also means I'm paranoid, which is worrying. Scenario 2 means I need to stay a bit more alert to protecting myself, but on the plus-side it means I'm not mad. On balance, I'd prefer to not be mad, to not imagining this stuff, if only because it means my grip on reality hasn't become entirely out of hand. That scares me.

[WoundedBibi]

Both are scary. Scenario one means you might be paranoid and two that he is sort of stalking you.

And it might be me and my experience but I'm going with scenario 2... Too much coincidence.

Be careful. Avoid him. To be safe from caving in, to avoid the drug, to avoid drama. Don't limit your life because of him but adjust it where needed. Better safe than sorry.

[troisette]

Since we split, I've felt protective about myself when it comes to him. I've never hidden the fact that I know I'm an addict. Any contact with him would lead to a "one more hit" mentality and could royally screw up my life and the progress I've made. Like any recovering addict I wish I could have that drug consequence free, but I know I can't, and like any recovering addict I know that every day I have to protect myself from anything that means I'd come into contact with it. How I wish things had been different. Do I crave a reconciliation? Part of me absolutely does. But the fear of it actually happening keeps me away, and drives my self-protective behaviour. Forewarned is forearmed, and it means I can keep myself safe.

So that's what either scenario means for me: knowing he's there gives me the ability to keep avoiding him.

Your post resonates with me Suspicious. My only addiction is to men with PDs. I too am protective of myself and I have avoided contact and I want to be free of my addiction. Sometimes in the dark of the night I also find myself illogically wondering "what if?" But my rational brain knows I'd be back on my drug of choice, sliding down the slope to misery. I recently had a chance encounter with him, I was boundaried, he too until I said goodbye and for no good reason he brushed his palm against mine. I'm as sure as I can be that he was testing me to see if he could get a response. We live six streets away and my vigilance has meant that that was the first time I'd seen him in seven months.

I think you are wise to be self-protective. But no-one can give a definitive answer to your question. It may be coincidence, it may not. You may be being hyper-vigilant, I wouldn't describe that as paranoid. I feel the way forward is for you to decide what's best for you. What you can cope with, how prepared you are for a meeting (I found mine helpful but that may not be the case for you and mine was a one-off), your well-being is paramount and is the only thing to be considered. Speculation is a waste of your energy. Having said that, I've done plenty of it!

[Suspicious1]

Do you know what, just writing this out and reading your replies has made me realise what my real worry is here. Sometimes I could swear I have de clerambault's syndrome or something - alright, nothing as severe as that, but I worry that this whole thing swallowed me up so much that I'm seeing things that just completely, obviously aren't there. Just being able to post the possibility that what he's doing is somehow linked to me somehow, and hearing from someone else "well yes it could be coincidence, but it's not out of the realms of possibility that it isn't" - it kind of makes it immaterial whether it's coincidence or not. I find I'm thinking "it doesn't matter if it's true or not - the point is I haven't just lost myself into a pit of utter, obvious delusion". That's the important thing here.

All I can do is carry on avoiding that meeting (because, troisette, I am in no way able to cope with it without relapsing) and carry on listening to my instincts while hoping they haven't become delusions.

[WoundedBibi]

Do you know what, just writing this out and reading your replies has made me realise what my real worry is here. Sometimes I could swear I have de clerambault's syndrome or something - alright, nothing as severe as that, but I worry that this whole thing swallowed me up so much that I'm seeing things that just completely, obviously aren't there. Just being able to post the possibility that what he's doing is somehow linked to me somehow, and hearing from someone else "well yes it could be coincidence, but it's not out of the realms of possibility that it isn't" - it kind of makes it immaterial whether it's coincidence or not. I find I'm thinking "it doesn't matter if it's true or not - the point is I haven't just lost myself into a pit of utter, obvious delusion". That's the important thing here.

All I can do is carry on avoiding that meeting (because, troisette, I am in no way able to cope with it without relapsing) and carry on listening to my instincts while hoping they haven't become delusions.

Just the fact you worry about if your instincts are delusional IMO means they are not. If there is something I have learned from my BPD ordeal it is to listen to my instincts. If they tell me to be on my guard I should listen. No matter if other people say "it can't be that bad" "but he's so gorgeous" "he's just a sad alcoholic" "you're just imagining things" "you're hypervigilant" "you're not being rational" "it's just coincidence". Listen to your gut. If it tells you it is not a coincidence, it is not a coincidence. If it tells you to be careful, be careful. Trust your gut. Always trust your gut.

[Suspicious1]

You're right, woundedbibi, I know you're right. I know I have ignored my instincts too much through my life, and I have learned to at least pay attention now. They are rarely wrong.

My instincts are telling me that he's come deliberately close, but that he won't come any closer than this. His fear of rejection is much to powerful for him to actually contact me or make any kind of direct approach. The most he'll ever do, I believe, is to go to somewhere he thinks I might bump into him. And then, my instinct tells me, the only reason he wants to do this is to show me in some way what I'm missing, or how much better he's doing than me. Something to "make me sorry" in some way. He was always obsessed with his fitness and how his muscles were looking, for example. I can see in the gym photos that he's really focussed on that in our time apart, and I wonder if he wants to put himself in my path so I can see how buff he is and really kick myself for having walked away. That would be very much his style.

It's ok. It's all ok. I just need to avoid such a meeting, and walk away from it if it ever happens.

[WoundedBibi]

You're right, woundedbibi, I know you're right. I know I have ignored my instincts too much through my life, and I have learned to at least pay attention now. They are rarely wrong.

My instincts are telling me that he's come deliberately close, but that he won't come any closer than this. His fear of rejection is much to powerful for him to actually contact me or make any kind of direct approach. The most he'll ever do, I believe, is to go to somewhere he thinks I might bump into him. And then, my instinct tells me, the only reason he wants to do this is to show me in some way what I'm missing, or how much better he's doing than me. Something to "make me sorry" in some way. He was always obsessed with his fitness and how his muscles were looking, for example. I can see in the gym photos that he's really focussed on that in our time apart, and I wonder if he wants to put himself in my path so I can see how buff he is and really kick myself for having walked away. That would be very much his style.

It's ok. It's all ok. I just need to avoid such a meeting, and walk away from it if it ever happens.

Deliberately closer but not closer than this because of fear of rejection, showing you he's doing better than you... .Thanks! You actually helped me with something I was ruminating over 

[Suspicious1]

Fantastic, sounds like we might both be on the right path

[Hadlee]

If there is something I have learned from my BPD ordeal it is to listen to my instincts. If they tell me to be on my guard I should listen.

Couldn't agree more.  That was a big lesson for me too.  Along with the fact that I don't believe in co-incidence