My brother's 15 year situation is now coming to a head

[asize2big]

First time posting here.

My brother has a self destructive streak that probably began when my mom died - my brother was 15. I was away at college, and my dad spent the previous 2 years at the hospital or work. There was simply no emotion left for my brother.

My brother did some weed, got kicked out of high school. My dad rescued him, got his GED for him, and enrolled him in University.

When it seemed like my brother's flunking out was imminent, I made the choice of rescuing him by having him come stay with me.

Probably a bad enabling move, but I am learning.

My wife wrote him a 6 month lease, and drove him to jobs. He got a retail job and moved in with a goth girl that (it is now clear) had BPD.

She also has a terminal condition which indicates a projected lifespan of 40.

They got pregnant within weeks.

Flash forward 15 years and 2 kids... .

She does not work.

My brother works 12 hours a day for a shipping company, with no hope of anything. The kids are getting by in school.

My dad put down a down payment for them, has bought cars for them, has basically dropped a house worth of money on them.

I sold them a car for which I did not get paid, and gave them another car.

No more gratitude for anything. No responsibility taken for their lives, and no joy in anything now.

Somehow, them having the second kid is also my dad's fault.

I am sure you can already picture the daily screaming and controlling.

All friends burned, as you can picture.

At this point, she has to go to the hospital a lot, and takes a lot of expensive medicines.

The story I hear is that maybe they have exhausted their disability appeals for her? But I do not know how this works.

She has fronted the idea that my brother should stay home with her full time. This naturally would cause my brother to lose his job, and cause him to lose insurance. He recently took FMLA just to be with her, and you can guess that my dad paid some money to keep the ship floating.

It is clear that this situation needs COMPETENT MANAGEMENT and someone who will take systematic responsibility and make some goold ole hard choices... .that ain't happening. Train wreck in exceedingly slow motion.

My dad put his foot down on this, but, Dad is still driving my brother to work?

Why? Because one car is broken (she can't be without her car, evidently) and because no one has saved any money to fix the other car.

Also - without this external push, my brother might not show at work.

In my last discussion with my brother, I got hung up on 3 times, which has never really happened before.

I got told that I am not a real family, don't help them enough, that my wife tore the family apart, that our Christmas toys for the boys are cheap, that I bully my sister-in-law, etc.

My firm statement that his kids and his wife "are not my core responsibility" got me hung up on and disconnected. I have not talked to him since.

I am seeing a therapist to deal with the grief of my brother being assimilated - voluntarily.

I am studying the Boundaries book as hard as I can.

My dad is both constantly depressed, and struggles with how to fight their daily financial battle for them.

Daily, I berate him that his enabling is preventing them from growing. Today, he is considering how to get the cash for them to have another car.

When I hear my dad talk about this, it is like being punched in the gut. This happens many times per week.

My wife is done with all of them, except my dad.

The sick symbiotic triangle is clear for any outside observer.

Where is the horrible downward cycle going to end? My brother loses his job? Tries or does move his family into dad's house?

Is my brother assuming the mantel of BPD for himself as well? So long a slave... .

I could hear her talking in the background when he was last talking to me - which is infuriating.

My dad sees the situation as it is, but cannot bring himself to do that which needs to be done.

So - he props up the house of cards just enough to keep it standing... .for no thanks.


This whole situation invokes hurt in me on a daily basis. Writing about it helps to calm my mind down.

Thanks for your feedback and support.

[Kwamina]

Hi asize2big

This is your first post, thanks for introducing yourself to us.

My brother has a self destructive streak that probably began when my mom died - my brother was 15. I was away at college, and my dad spent the previous 2 years at the hospital or work. There was simply no emotion left for my brother.

Losing a parent isn't easy and it seems clearly affected your brother who was still quite young. How was his relationship with your mother?

Do you feel like you yourself have been able to mourn the loss of your mother?

In my last discussion with my brother, I got hung up on 3 times, which has never really happened before.

I got told that I am not a real family, don't help them enough, that my wife tore the family apart, that our Christmas toys for the boys are cheap, that I bully my sister-in-law, etc.

My firm statement that his kids and his wife "are not my core responsibility" got me hung up on and disconnected. I have not talked to him since.

How long ago was this conversation? The things your brother said are quite unpleasant and hurtful, has he ever said anything like this to you before?

Is this the first time you've been no contact with your brother?

I am seeing a therapist to deal with the grief of my brother being assimilated - voluntarily.

I am studying the Boundaries book as hard as I can.

Boundaries are very important when dealing with disordered family-members as they help protect and preserve our own well-being. Having a support network can be invaluable so I'm glad you have the support  of a therapist to help you deal with this.

The sick symbiotic triangle is clear for any outside observer.

Where is the horrible downward cycle going to end? My brother loses his job? Tries or does move his family into dad's house?

Is my brother assuming the mantel of BPD for himself as well? So long a slave... .

I could hear her talking in the background when he was last talking to me - which is infuriating.

Do you feel that your brother perhaps is allowing himself to be controlled by his wife out of fear, obligation and or guilt?

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you feel that this description of "FOG" applies to what's going on with your brother?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. That is traumatic for a family.

I understand that it is difficult to see this kind of enmeshment between your father and bother.

One idea that may help you understand this is the drama triangle. I felt that my father's co-dependent behavior with my mother was not good for him. As he got elderly, I tried to "rescue" and intervene. This was naive on my part and I didn't understand the complexity of BPD relationships. I saw my father as a victim of BPD mother, perhaps in a similar way you see your brother and father as victims of your BPD sister in law.

Eventually I learned the role of co-dependency and enabling in these relationships, and unless the person who is enabling truly chooses to change, outside intervention by someone else doesn't work. My attempts at "rescuing" my father resulted in my parents being angry at me.

Your father will not stop enabling your brother until he chooses to. Likewise, your brother chose his wife and continues to choose to be with her. As hard as this is to accept, you really have no control over these choices. I hope that you can find some peace and solace within you about this. You can also choose to not assist your bother if you feel it is enabling him. Although it may feel bad to not help someone, enabling someone can be detrimental to them.

[asize2big]

My brother has never really hung up on me until this episode. This was 2 weeks ago.

I have never seen him so stressed. He is stressed to the level of someone who has lost their job, except he still has his, and my dad as a bank.

At last contact, he is eaten up with anger and stress.


I was unfamiliar with the FOG concept, but it is exactly correct here. As a foundation point, my brother has a very weak sense of self.

Our mom had a very tight bond with him, and my dad probably needed to wedge in, as a co-dependent.

Thinking about it, it seems that my family had no real concept of boundaries and identity, apart from achieving.

Fear - he has never run his own life. He is afraid that his controlling wife will die. He is afraid that his kids will experience death of their mom, like he did.

Obligation - he feels obligated to care for his wife, since she gave him an identity and children. Maybe he sees that his kids prevented his further self destruction. He projects this obligation onto me and onto my dad and onto my wife. This obligation is the manifestation of all of the problems here. He feels as though we should all feel obligated to care for his wife. When I declared that this was not my core responsibility, I got hung up on and the phone disconnected.

Guilt - my brother feels like he has wasted his earlier life. He feels that supporting his wife's demands are a noble cause.


Here is what I think is my brother's perspective... .

He sees his life as a war zone. 2 dependents, and a wife who needs immediate and constant care (in his mind).

A job that keeps him away from home until 9pm.

So - his time horizon is 10 minutes.

First priority is not going to his job to support his kids; first priority is to meet his wife's demands, if those conflict with going to work.

All of this he sees as a noble cause.

For this reason, he feels entitled to my and my dad's constant financial support.

In his mind, he could imagine being self sufficient, if he did not have to attend to here, but he certainly has no concrete plan to get there.

AND - in my last talk with him, he would not listen to talk about how to get to self-sustainability (which is my and my dad's wish for him).

Somehow in all of this - my brother has to take the kids to the hospital when they get hurt, but his wife can go out with friends.

Stockholm syndrome comes to mind.

Any talk of making hard choices about working while his wife is in the hospital, or going for welfare, or vastly curtailing the spending... .all of this gets addressed as bullying on my part.


I am re-reading the Boundaries book and will work through the workbook.

The interesting news is that my dad is starting to own the term "enabler" about himself, and has scheduled a therapy appointment for himself. This I would not have believed a week ago. He is learning that the 'enabled' ultimately hates the 'enabler', as preventing crashes prevents growth, learning and freedom.


What stinks most about this situation is that a crash deferred is a crash enlarged. Now, when the wheels come off, the crash involves my brother's family.

What is the final manifestation of this crash? I cannot tell. Perhaps stasis, as one more supplement of cash from my dad reassembles the house of cards for another month... .

[Kwamina]

Hi again asize2big

Fear - he has never run his own life. He is afraid that his controlling wife will die. He is afraid that his kids will experience death of their mom, like he did.

This could perhaps be at the heart of a lot of what is going on here. When your mother died this could have been a very traumatic experience for your brother, especially considering the bond they had. Now seeing his own wife ill and fearing losing her, might be quite triggering for him and bring back a lot of old emotions back to the surface. Almost like reliving what happened to him when he was 15. Do you feel this might also be at least partly what's going on with your brother?

I am re-reading the Boundaries book and will work through the workbook.

That's a good move I think We also have an article here about boundaries that you might find helpful:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

The interesting news is that my dad is starting to own the term "enabler" about himself, and has scheduled a therapy appointment for himself. This I would not have believed a week ago. He is learning that the 'enabled' ultimately hates the 'enabler', as preventing crashes prevents growth, learning and freedom.

Your dad getting help for himself is a very encouraging development. We'll have to see how it goes of course, but it is a first step. It sounds like your dad is coming to new insights about his own behavior, or perhaps is just no longer denying the truth about it. In your first post you said your dad sees the situation as it is which does indicate he was aware of what was going on and the role he plays in it. He couldn't bring himself to do what needed to be done, but perhaps that is changing now.

[asize2big]

We will see if anyone can progress.

My dad's instinct is to immediately own my brother's problems - to solve everything as a we - with more energy than my brother expends.

My brother might get fired, or take a cut in pay, or have a car that does not work, and my dad is already thinking through all of the implications and how to solve this latest crisis.

But, yes, he is now stepping in the right direction.

This situation reminds me of the doomsday clock... .how many minutes before the big explosion.

Since I listen to my dad, I guess I am an unwitting part of a triangulation.

But I keep trying to steer him back to the realization that propping up this house of cards is his choice.

It is exhausting just listening to my dad; I cannot imagine how exhausting it is to be him and exist in the middle of this whirlwind.