Creating my own drama...

[Herodias]

I feel like I have been creating my own drama to replace what I was in... .I can't explain it, but I suddenly realized that my life seems so boring now that it's like I keep coming up with "problems" that turn out not to be problems! Is this normal after being in a relationship like this?

[AndrewS]

If you mean endlessly processing it over and over, yes I am still doing that after 7 months. In fact it slowed down and has got worse again lately.

[WoundedBibi]

If you mean endlessly processing it over and over, yes I am still doing that after 7 months. In fact it slowed down and has got worse again lately.

Thank god, I'm not the only one... I did have some external triggers that set me off though. Before that I thought I was heading in the right direction.

[Herodias]

Well, I am still processing it over and over... .but I am finding I am making big deals over things that turn out not to be. I am driving myself crazy... .I worry about everything. I don't have all of his drama and problems anymore, yet until I am completely divorced I have some. I just can't seem to completely relax.  One thing that has suddenly changed is that I actually feel sorry for him. As horrible as he is, he has no idea how much worse his life could be... .he is getting himself deeper and deeper. I suppose I am headed into forgiveness. I just can't relax myself enough. Still obsessed over his PD and why it affected me so much.

[JerryRG]

My sponsor told me that I do this too, he says I'm still creating drama to keep myself miserable and I was unaware. I'm thankful he sees it and can help me.

Example, I have wanted to call my son's grandmother to explain my current situation and my motives were questionable but usually I just do things out of panic or impulse (after this relationship I've been on adreniline) before talking to my sponsor and when I told him today he just took one hand and did the circle thing, around and around we go.

Hang in there Blue

[Herodias]

"My sponsor told me that I do this too, he says I'm still creating drama to keep myself miserable and I was unaware. I'm thankful he sees it and can help me."

That makes allot of sense... .

[sflearnignbpd]

I have been noticing it in myself from time to time.  I find myself talking/worrying/obsessing about things that I just need to let go.  

[JerryRG]

I believe we grew used to the sick toxic drama? I know I did and I still to this day can't understand how I kept jumping back into that black hole. It truly is mind boggling and I'm very fortunate I didn't end up in jail or dead.  

[WoundedBibi]

Well, I am still processing it over and over... .but I am finding I am making big deals over things that turn out not to be. I am driving myself crazy... .I worry about everything. I don't have all of his drama and problems anymore, yet until I am completely divorced I have some. I just can't seem to completely relax.  One thing that has suddenly changed is that I actually feel sorry for him. As horrible as he is, he has no idea how much worse his life could be... .he is getting himself deeper and deeper. I suppose I am headed into forgiveness. I just can't relax myself enough. Still obsessed over his PD and why it affected me so much.

I can't relax either but I feel I have so much to worry about with my health and an uncertain future and wanting unrealistic things and about work and ... .

My compassion has changed too; it's gone out the window for the moment 

[JerryRG]

My mind said no, my heart knew better, I was holding on to an illusion and my ability to deny reality was so powerful I dates a pwBPD, she was on meth, accused guys of rape, lied and I knew it, had a history of bad relationships, divorced by her husband in about one years time, sold drugs, prostituted herself, her family gave up on her, cut herself, had no self respect, trashed everyone, stoll things from her family, many stays in mental hospitals, bipolar, ocd, add, and yes... .I thought I could turn this into a princess?

I really do have a God complex

[Ahoy]

I believe we grew used to the sick toxic drama? I know I did and I still to this day can't understand how I kept jumping back into that black hole. It truly is mind boggling and I'm very fortunate I didn't end up in jail or dead.  

Yep, I used to constantly be amazed at how my wife and I never ran out of things to say. What I realised was that so much of our conversations were about her daily drama and life struggles that would not exist in a normal relationship.

And now they are gone? Damn right I miss the drama! It's sick and unhealthy but like constantly texting/calling, it's just another aspect we slowly get drawn into, until it feels normal.

I've read on these forums that a good way to replace this drama is to seek out something healthy, that will give the same adrenaline boost.

Some things off the top of my head would be

-Indoor rock climbing

-Tough Mudda or other obstacle course-style fun-runs

-Go get a part in a community play (acting)

You get the benefit of the adrenaline hit AND you are being social, 100% healthy. So forget about Brad from accounting and why he is a dick to your partner, go get some!

[JerryRG]

Sorry I'm hijacking this thread, my appology

I've heard we need to not just take away a negitive because it leaves a vacuum so replace it with a positive.

I agree Ahoy

[WoundedBibi]

I have been noticing it in myself from time to time.  I find myself talking/worrying/obsessing about things that I just need to let go.  

More like all the time... I suppose me being literally stuck in my house right now unable to walk has a lot to do with that. I can't escape my own thoughts. I can't check if my fears are founded. Things grow in your head if you can't check how big they really are. Fear is my biggest issue right now anyway. If it were up to me I would just leave everyone that had anything to do with my ex behind and move to farawayfromherewhereeverybodyisnice. Which is next to Unrealisticland.

[JerryRG]

I tried to run from my ex too Wounded, our problems follow us. I'm hoping my ex moves away, I've heard rumors but I'm probably not that lucky.

Wounded? What types of support do you have?

[WoundedBibi]

I tried to run from my ex too Wounded, our problems follow us. I'm hoping my ex moves away, I've heard rumors but I'm probably not that lucky.

Wounded? What types of support do you have?

Talk to my T about 20-30 minutes a week on the phone. But apart from last week when we had a really good deep talk, our phonetalks were meant to support me in staying afloat in being alone a lot and being in unbearable pain.

[JerryRG]

There are no support groups here specifically for nons, or codependency but we have Alanon and AA. Are you spiritual at all?

[WoundedBibi]

There are no support groups here specifically for nons, or codependency but we have Alanon and AA. Are you spiritual at all?

Spiritual to a degree but not religious. So I can't ask a religious person of any particular denomination to come to my house either. It's just me and my T. And my physiotherapist for my exercises. And the delivery guys for my groceries. And my friends for visits or a bit of a clean.

[Herodias]

Oh Jerry, I can relate so well to what you said earlier! Trying to turn someone into a prince/ princess! I thought I had at first! So dumb! I just realized something else, if he doesn't have the money to pay me up front, that's narcissistic injury and he's not even going to respond!  I

Hijacking my own thread! Lol but it's like we have to understand a language that is alien to us! I like what someone else said about when you meet someone new and they don't produce all the drama you think it's not a good relationship! We need to find a new normal. I'm worried about my future too. I'm so angry we were doing so well together financially and now we both are broke- I don't get it. i guess it's due to paying lawyers. I'm having s really hard time with my back problems and work but a I can do is suffer through and do it anyway. Life is not fair- that's for sure. I'm praying more than I ever have.  I did the alanon meetings- they are helpful by the way... .my ex is moving away and I am grateful!

[WoundedBibi]

I tried to run from my ex too Wounded, our problems follow us.

It's not about running from my problems so much. I have a million things I need to work on and I'm more than willing to work on them. And I think I will probably run into my ex at some point but it should not be often as he now works somewhere else. Unless his flying monkeys arrange him to bump into me at the local pub. It's his flying monkeys I want to avoid but can't. His satellites he let do his dirty work for him as he is a coward. His fanclub that provided the narcisstic supply made my life difficult while he stood by and enjoyed himself. He whispered God knows what kind of lies into their ears of what I supposedly have done or said. And based on that my life was made hell. And when I go back to work I don't want to have to look over my shoulder every 5 minutes to see if someone isn't going to push me down the stairs or sabotage something I'm working on. But I know I will have to.

And for that reason I want to leave for Farawayfromherewhereeverybodyisnice. I don't want to be around anybody that reminds me of him. I want to be able to relax and be myself.

[JerryRG]

Thanks Blue,

I don't want to preach but I have had the spiritual experience in AA, working the steps cleaning house, really works. This last week I've found peace again, I slept like a baby last night, woke up within a peace from head to toe and felt numb and cozy warm.

I'm learning to love myself slowly but surely, it feels foreign because I've only barely loved anything about me. Growing up with toxic people who didn't see my worth and actually used me to fulfill their own illnesses. I remember as a young child first venturing outside my home, (rare we were isolated because my father was the town drunk) I remember experiencing the love inside other people's homes and how unusual it felt but I was drawn to it. I wanted change, I needed truth, and returning home I eventually understood the picture my parents painted of the real world simply wasn't true.

From that time on my life was outside our home

My home now is with my healthy friends in AA, Alanon and Church.

These are my brothers and sisters and children

They seek truth, honesty, honor, faith, love, sacrifice, humility, and most of all, fellowship

[Hadlee]

You definitely are not alone in doing that.

I'm 18 months out and it's only been the last couple of months where I actually enjoyed the peace and quite.  No drama, no issues, no nothing

I have been practicing mindfulness techniques as I am now able to live in the moment rather than analyze every.damn.thing.  Yes, I still have some days where my mind will wonder to, "what the eff happened?", but I am thoroughly enjoying a peaceful, happy life now.

Phew... .

[JerryRG]

Agreed Busygall

One of my favorite tools is mindfulness and gratitude is second.

Both are so effective and useful, it just takes practice and commitment.

I can say with 99% certainty I would not be alive without AA, Alanon and my Church support let alone thriving. I can see now that the only person holding back anything good in my life is me.

All I need do is keep walking and growing spiritually

[greenmonkey]

I am near enough 18 months out. My life is calm peaceful and tranquil, no chaos the odd stalker but nothing that is going to disrupt my life too much.

Life never goes 100% the way you want it to go, but whatever goes wrong is looked at as a challenge not a drama.

from the start I did a lot of self, care, healthy eating, sleep hygiene, balancing my life.

I cycle most days now averaging 30-40 miles, it keeps me fit, gets me into the countryside and clears my head and gives me the freedom I enjoy. I play squash to get my frustrations out in a healthy way and swim as well. I have gone down 4 jean sizes and I am probably fitter/healthier now then I ever was when I was younger and compared to my peers there is no comparison apart from a maybe a handful that are relatively active.

It takes a long time to assimilate everything that went on and how to learn and grown from it. I am grateful now I was able to process it and have some understanding - my life is so much better for it and it has made me more self aware. I was always happy with who I was and loved my life and that continues.