Feeling terrible today

[Nuitari]

For some reason, it all hit me like a ton of bricks today. I feel the lowest that I've felt in long time, just drained. I didn't just lose her, but my job as well. I had to move out of my apartment and relocate to another town. My relationship with my ex ruined every aspect of my life. I remember how it was before she came along. I was happy. I had a job I genuinely loved. I had pretty much no social life, but that was ok because I wasn't lonely (at least, I never thought I was at the time). My work was pretty much my whole life, and I was content. I remember meeting her and realizing what had been missing from my life. I remember thinking that I had found someone who I was destined to be with, someone who understood me like no one else ever has. I remember her hurting me like no one else ever has. I remember trying to find consolation in the knowledge that I still had my job to help take away the pain, and then in the blink of eye, that was gone to, leaving me utterly broken. I relive all of it every night in my sleep, but this time it was all more vivid, more palpable. It took every ounce of energy I had to pull myself out of bed this morning. I can't stop thinking about my old life, how things were before she came along. I can never get it back, and now I know loneliness too. The humiliation and shame surrounding my job loss will always haunt me. It all weighs more heavily on me today.

But do you know what the worst part is? Knowing that she'll never understand the devastation and pain she caused me. She's blind to it. It's all ancient history to her. She got to walk away and move on with her life while mine is in shambles.

[Chelsea 69]

Hi sorry for the pain your going though but like many others on these site's we've all felt the same way ... I've read and been told over and over we are better off out of it .  no matter how bad it hurts right now ... yes we feel low ashamed hurt embarrassed etc but take each  day as it comes it does get easier I'm not saying you won't or don't still the hurt but it will go and once it does that's when we can start to rebuild our life's  hope this helps stay strong

[HurtinNW]

I'm so sorry   

I had a horrible dream last night. I dream a lot about my ex, always with great pain. In this dream I had run into my ex a year from now. He was the same old person. The dream was so vivid, even the way he reached out to me in the way he always did. I could see into his eyes, and... .he had not changed. He would never, ever be able to see how much he had hurt me. He would never, ever be able to sense the gravity of this loss.

My heart just broke then, and I was flooded with a feeling I am learning to identity more. It isn't just anger, and hurt.

It is helplessness.

I feel absolutely helpless. I feel helpless I cannot make this person change, or care, or see my truth. I feel helpless I cannot have the love I wanted. I feel helpless I can't have the future I dreamed.

It is just such a terrible place to be. I feel like I lost everything.

It is so hard in these times to think that the future will get better, that we can use these experiences to grow and become stronger. I just want to give you a big hug and reassure you it will get better.   

[Sadly]

Hello Nuitari

I feel your pain and sense of loss. Today I walked away from a good job, said goodbye to my colleagues and walked away . My shame is deep, I took this job hundreds of miles away from my ex, moved home and set about trying to live without him. This was 7 months ago and people on these boards gave me praise and hugs. What happened, recycling happened. Months travelling up and down the country, meeting in the middle, holiday, affection, mutual longing to be together, gave my house up, planned to move into one in our home town and commute at weekends. Bang, am as black as black again. Apparently I am a stupid, lying, weird mess which is "" not endearing"". My work suffered, my health is suffering, I am lost and alone and broken again, and my biggest shame is knowing I was rubbish at my job, no one seemed bothered I was leaving. It's true, I was. I don't know who I am or what I am and like you cannot get my head around the idea that they will never understand what they have done, worse, much worse, if he walked towards me now with his arms out I would fall into them. I give you hugs and a  kiss but no advice, how can I, my judgement is way off scale. Lots of people for support here though.  

[JerryRG]

Hey Nuitari

Hang in there, we've all been where you are. I lost my job last year because my exBPDgf harassed me constantly at work with threats about child visitations and this was when we're in a relationship.  

I found a better job with flexible hours and more my line of interest. Things change and sometimes what looks like the end is really just a new beginning. Don't give up, many here have moved on into new lives and new relationships. PwBPD will take everything we have and turn and destroy us.

As long as we are alive we must have hope, keep seeking help here and reading accurate information on what you have been through.

There are many good articles here, good luck, keep posting and remember you're not alone.