Letting go of the love of my life?

[Icanteven]

I didn't know what hit me;  It was the most intense relationship of my life.  She asked me to marry her a few months after we started dating.  I waited to propose for some time thereafter, but I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her as well.  

I struggle with understanding what I'm dealing with:  my wife had a documented mental illness prior to me ever meeting her, but she had become medication compliant, had ceased using drugs or alcohol, and she truly seemed to want to live as normal of a life as possible.  Yes her relationships were stormy and had often ended in spectacular fashion, but I attributed those breakups and/or incidents to having not previously been medication compliant and engaging in substance abuse.  No more substance abuse, taking her meds with me every evening:  recipe for success with the love of my life, right?

Several months before our wedding she lost her job, but I attributed it to the stress of the wedding and the stress of her job triggering aspects of her mental illness.  Only, without the stress of her job she didn't get better, and after the wedding she actually got worse.  Several more incredibly serious mental health diagnoses were identified, and though she was in daily treatment, we were losing ground.

For weeks on end it seemed that our only discussion involved whether or not I was going to leave her.  She would come home in the evening and barely speak, devastated by the diagnoses she had received and anguishing over her joblessness and listlessness when it came to what she wanted to do with her life.  Her anxiety was sky high.  She barely spoke to me and often floated off into the internet or her own mind. Suicide ideation became a  recurrent theme.

We had a major argument one evening about whether or not she was committed to our marriage.  I said things I regret, but it was by no means the worst crisis of our relationship.  However, it did involve questions that almost certainly triggered her fear of abandonment.  Several weeks later, after spending one of the happiest nights of my life together, I took a trip out of town only to come home to a text message that she loved me forever but she was leaving me.

To reiterate:  so many of the DSM criteria for BPD apply to my wife in spades (in fact, every single one except for explosive anger), and a number of her official diagnoses overlap with those criteria.  But the push/pull I read about so much here, the splitting, the rage; none fit with her.  Even now, her behavior doesn't fit into the total shut down I read so much about from other posters.  She didn't speak to me for weeks, but she has called, and she does text, and she still tells me she loves me, just that our marriage is over.

I'm no clinician, but every single mental health professional I've talked to about my situation - in my own personal therapy following her departure - has said some variation of "I'd have to interview her and put her through the paces, but this sounds like an obvious case of BPD."  Is it that obvious?  All the symptoms  but none of the behaviors I read so much about?  And her willingness to maintain a dialogue, albeit on her terms at her pace?

I've done a ton of therapy since she left, and I've asked my therapists "was it me?"  Codependency issues?  Some un-diagnosed PD or mental health issue of my own?  Apparently not, though there are certainly areas I can improve on.  Further, I didn't need to take care of her and frankly I wouldn't have even considered the relationship were she not taking strides to get better/maintain her mental well-being.

So far, our conversations are limited to how I'm doing in therapy I entered subsequent to her leaving (better), how she's doing (not well), and her recital of grievances from our marriage.  I had huge issues with her and had asked her to go to marriage counseling before she left, but our conversations do not broach what I want; they are about what she wants.  I do my best to remain open and not defensive, but our last conversation drifted into the realm of the inane (I asked her to spend time with me one morning when she had the morning off from treatment instead of with her fellow patients in her treatment program; this was controlling behavior)  and the fanciful (things that never happened or, in one case, happened once but got blown out to our entire relationship), at which point I told her I would respect her feelings but would not tolerate invented realities, resulting in her hanging up on me. Strangely, she still texted me throughout the day, so the damage I thought I had done is a question mark.

I love my wife.  My heart beats for her.  My family, my friends, and my therapists tell me to let her go.  I made a vow to her, I promised to love her forever and I still want to.  But, I don't know if I'm on a fool's errand trying to reconcile with her, especially given that our communications are erratic and sporadic and that, though she's heartbroken to leave me, she's made up her mind.   My texts are generally limited to I love you and I hope today is a better day, or my highest hope for you is to get well, or to tell her something that would have made her laugh when we were together, or to respond to a question she might pose to me.

The consistent message I receive from her is "I'm overwhelmed" or "today was harder than the last."  I know I'm not in control and have said as much to her repeatedly.  I've told her that I'm not looking to reconcile at the moment because there were things I wanted from our marriage that I wasn't getting and that I am focusing on me right now.  But, I want her back.  I just don't know how to do it.  I love her enough to her go, but I feel like there might be hope.  I just don't want to delude myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Icanteven,

Welcome and hello 

Many members here struggle to make sense of BPD, trying to understand if there are co-morbid diagnoses and whatnot involved with their loved one's condition/s. A leading expert in BPD (Gundersen) once said that he believed BPD should have a scale for severity because that may be more significant from a treatment perspective than a checklist of 9 diagnostic criteria. I've also heard some people refer to "quiet borderline" to explain behaviors that are less externalized. 

What do you say to her when she tells you she is overwhelmed? Or that her day was harder than the last?

Sometimes we inadvertently and unknowingly undermine intimacy in the way we respond. We can share with you some of the skills and tools that have worked for members here. There are no magic formulas to win someone back, though there are definitely ways to mitigate conflict so we can stop making things worse.

We'll walk with you through this 

You're not alone.

LnL

[Icanteven]

LNL: "What do you say to her when she tells you she is overwhelmed? Or that her day was harder than the last?"

I tell her that I love her.  That I can't imagine how hard it must be to be going through what she's going through.  That I don't know what to do but I am here if she needs to reach out.

I don't know what else to do. 

[livednlearned]

Feeling overwhelmed, feeling that each day is harder than the last suggests she feels unworthy. She cannot replenish her emptiness with your words, she has to fill that cup herself. It's a feeling she has, and what works best is to validate that feeling.

We can do that by repeating back what was said. "You feel overwhelmed."

"Today was harder than yesterday for you."

This is validating her feelings.

A lot of the work on validation comes from suicide intervention. Researchers wanted to understand why telling suicidal patients they were loved, were wonderful, were doing fine made the patients worse. They discovered that patients responded better when therapists and loved ones validated the feelings they had, even if the reality might seem different. Validation is acknowledging and accepting the person's feelings without agreeing that they are correct feelings.

You may be able to shorten the emotional distance with her if you try to validate how she feels.

Telling someone who is suicidal that you love them may get distorted in the cognitive filter. They may feel worse because they cannot love you back appropriately. Or they feel bad that you love them and they are so badly damaged, therefore they are hurting you. All of this can build shame and make them feel even less worthy to maintain the relationship.

We have some good resources on the site about validation. My favorite one are the validating questions because they both validate and put responsibility for solving problems back on their shoulders, which shows you have confidence in them to work through whatever problems they are dealing with.

Is this something you think might work with your wife?

[Icanteven]

... .You may be able to shorten the emotional distance with her if you try to validate how she feels... .Is this something you think might work with your wife?

It seems like the answer is yes; not long after seeing your post she had texted me and I tried these techniques, and it felt like something broke loose in our conversation.  But, I sense that she doesn't have much faith that she will ever recover; can I validate that she feels hopeless without reinforcing her hopelessness?

So long as we are not discussing her feelings around my shortcomings as a husband and caregiver, she is very sweet, making jokes with me, occasionally telling me she loves me, solving problems with me, etc.  It is very confusing.  As I mentioned from the outset, the last night of our lives together was one of the happiest I've experienced; my wife who I'd lost in a fog of despair reverted to the woman I fell in love with years ago, if only for a night.  I realize in retrospect it was her making peace with her decision to leave, but it's confusing to me as she can be so kind in our exchanges yet have deemed a text message as an appropriate way of leaving one's spouse. 

 

[Icanteven]

Wow what a rollercoaster the last 24 hours have been.  Last night I used the validating techniques and really, really felt like I was getting somewhere .  We got all the way to her saying the deal breaker was that she didn't know if she could emotionally handle being a wife. Then, this morning, she asked for the paperwork one would need to initiate divorce proceedings and reverted back to this entire situation being my fault.

I never really understood the title of "I hate you don't leave me" till now.  Really thought I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Looks like the light was just a freight train... .

I don't know what to do, but it seems like I've got to accept that our marriage truly is over and that it's time to lawyer up and move on as best I can.

[livednlearned]

There are other communication skills that can work for different situations, like SET (support, empathy, truth). There are lessons here that might be useful: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

You are not validating that she is hopeless, you are listening and acknowledging and having empathy for the state of feeling hopeless she currently experiences in that moment. The truth that we know (and can tell ourselves) is that things do not remain hopeless. She probably has a much harder time with that truth.

For me, I found I rushed too quickly through S and E. It's easier to understand, much more difficult to do it effectively in a variety of situations -- it can be hard to tap into empathy when you are so befuddled by the intensity and variability someone with BPD experiences, and the distorted cognitive filter, and yet that is precisely what has to happen. To slow down and connect with the feelings, her feelings, and your own. Validating the invalid is a trap to avoid altogether and it takes some practice to learn how to communicate in a way that you do not fall into that trap.

[Icanteven]

SET

SET worked too, but I feel like the ground beneath me is something out of Inception; my wife went from the classical I Hate You Don't Leave Me to I want to come home but I can't be what you want in the same day.

Our phone calls grow longer and longer.  They become more lucid.  The woman I fell in love with dances in and out of our conversations.  Reason creeps in.   Acceptance of reality as it is as opposed to some construct to justify her abandonment becomes more commonplace.  Stay with me my love.  

Yet she cannot.  If you told me I was in hell right now I wouldn't disbelieve you.

[atomic popsicles]

I  can totally empathize. I'm close to that with my husband and I am so sad... .I hope things are better since your last post.

[Icanteven]

I  can totally empathize. I'm close to that with my husband and I am so sad... .I hope things are better since your last post.

I wish.  NC from both ends at the moment.  just wish we didn't have children involved; makes things a lot more difficult.  As I've said in other threads, there are a lot of instances I could let her go easily in; married with children makes it impossible at the moment.

[KarmasReal]

Hey Icanteven,

Sorry you're going through this. We all understand how difficult these situations can be. Question for you... .What exactly do you mean when you say she has all of the symptoms but none of the behaviors of BPD?

Also, being "overwhelmed" or "depressed" or anything really for a BPD is their way of expressing how empty they feel. Eventually something triggers them and they realize that nothing externally (jobs, money, relationships) is going to feel the void in their life and they run away in depression or in hopes of finding another way to fill that void.

I hope you're making it through this okay. We are all here for you.

[Icanteven]

Question for you... .What exactly do you mean when you say she has all of the symptoms but none of the behaviors of BPD?

Thanks for the support.  What I mean is, she meets all the diagnostic criteria for BPD except inappropriate anger, and many of the BPD traits overlap with the symptoms of her official diagnoses.  And, it's not that she doesn't have ANY behaviors:  there's a long history of interpersonal relationship drama, childlike emotional states, a constant need for reassurance that she's not going to be abandoned, etc.  But, though she's sought to remain in control of our communication pathways, she's still been communicative; she tells me she loves me and misses our family; she thanks me for everything I've done for her and all the good times we shared; basically, I've not been painted black in a way that I read about so often on these boards.  That said, it's still an all or nothing situation insofar as returning to our marriage, with her choosing nothing. 

The more distance I get from the situation, the more my memory is flooded with how she's left every other man in her life who loved her as an adult:  in spectacular fashion.  Apocryphal stories that are the stuff of internet legend are real-life events in her past.  Her longest relationship (before our marriage) ended when she orchestrated a scenario by which her live-in boyfriend caught her in bed with a mutual friend, and she made sure said boyfriend would catch them in the act.  And that's not the worst thing she's ever done to a lover.  I wrote all this stuff off as her having been un-diagnosed/misdiagnosed/non-compliant in the past, but as the grieving process moves forward I'm reminded that she's had a lot of great guys in her history, and every one of them who loved her either had his guts ripped out, or would have had his guts ripped out had he actually known about the depth and breadth of her deception.

I guess when I read about BPD on the boards the major themes appear to be splitting and rage; my wife isn't a rager, and though she has cut friends and family out of her life before only to allow them back in after some "penalty phase" has elapsed, I think she sees shades of gray.  But, maybe I'm not understanding splitting, because as I mention, she is using her feelings to define her reality, and she's dead set against working on our marriage even though we have very low-grade problems that could be easily managed in a "normal" relationship.

[KarmasReal]

Ahh now I understand. She doesn't have some of the major symptoms. Splitting and rage. The funny thing is mine didn't either. She never "really" rage at me at all. She cold be mean, downright cruel. Cuss me out in texts, calls, but she never went off. She was more passive aggressive and manipulative than that. She liked silent treatment and ignoring. She once said if I made her mad she just wouldn't talk to me for a while, because she knew it would bother me!

I never experienced the splitting either, although this break up I might be. The first time we broke it was so nice, and communicative and cordial. I was the right person, wrong time, she loved me etc. 6 weeks later she's back basically worshipping me. Next go around of off and on she's a little more adamant about breaking up saying it's right for us, I am chasing more than I did the first time too. I offer and exchange of our things, she's being cordial and nice this whole time, she agrees then when she sees me says she can't do the break up her feelings are too strong for me.

Now cut to my most recent break up, she basically ditched me on my birthday to probably party, called me a drama queen, and I broke up with her. No apologetic call or text, silence for a month. I finally decide I'm breaking it to get my stuff back from her place she simply replied "I'd rather not. I'm not happy with the way things ended. Please don't text me again." Feels like a split to me. I was never split this bad before. If you haven't seen some of these symptoms give it time and you probably will. Hope this helps!

[Icanteven]

Now cut to my most recent break up, she basically ditched me on my birthday to probably party, called me a drama queen, and I broke up with her. No apologetic call or text, silence for a month. I finally decide I'm breaking it to get my stuff back from her place she simply replied "I'd rather not. I'm not happy with the way things ended. Please don't text me again." Feels like a split to me. I was never split this bad before. If you haven't seen some of these symptoms give it time and you probably will. Hope this helps!

Is that a common feature?  Ditching you around important events?  My wife did that a few times on majorly important days; not sure if it was her way of exerting control, but if I had done the same to her... .

As our separation has gone on the splitting has become pretty apparent in point of fact.  I'm getting the silent treatment, or, she'll do things like turn her text message read receipts on and wait three days to read a text from me.  If I can protect our kids and break this cleanly it would be a huge weight off of me.  Not sure how to do the former, but it's amazing in going back through our Internet lives together just how much nonsense I've put up with that I frankly shouldn't have, and all in the name of staying together for the kids.  Uggghhh.

[Leonis]

Is that a common feature? 

Seems like it. My ex-fiancée started the breakup process roughly 5 weeks before our wedding, which is right around the time to start the marriage license. The last time I saw her was last Fri. Our original date was the 25th of this month.

Last year, the breakup drama happened around this time of the year too.

[livednlearned]

People with BPD tend to experience a lot of anxiety, often about things that may seem relatively insignificant. Even if you yourself experience anxiety, what they tend to be processing is more extreme.

PwBPD tend to be hypersensitive. There is so much more stimuli to handle, meaning much more anxiety to manage.

So when there are expectations to perform, or feel a certain way, or anything that involves pressure, their coping skills are overwhelmed and it becomes easier to check out, either by having a crisis, not showing up, starting a fight, go MIA.

Important events can be big triggers even for people who aren't BPD, though most people can maintain a degree of decorum while managing the uncomfortable feelings.

That's why BPD carers talk about validation so much. Sometimes you can alleviate the intensity of that anxiety with empathy and validation.

[KarmasReal]

Yes important and significant dates I would say are big triggers for pwBPD. I was with my ex for two years. We never spent a New Years together, one she went with girlfriends the other was during one of our break ups. I spent one thanksgiving with her where she did nothing but get drunk and cry. She barely talked to me nor got me anything for one Christmas even though I gave her a present, also during one of our break ups. We have also never celebrated my birthday. I've had two when we were together, the first break up we had lasted for 6 weeks and was 10 days before my birthday, our most recent break up was the day before my birthday. Both these break ups also coincide with the anniversary of her and her ex husband which happens to be, you guessed it right around my birthday. So of course I now see all these triggers, my birthday, ex anniversary, holidays (she had to move away here far from her family to maintain joint custody), also pretty much coincided with a fight, break, or break up, all consistently every 3-6 months. Very strange pattern.

[Icanteven]

So... .last night was... .fun.  I've gone NC and disconnected from my wife on social media to the extent possible, only I hadn't unfollowed every last person she is friends with on Instagram.  And, as luck would have it, there she was last night on IG with her girlfriends, as beautiful as ever, looking happy and loved.

On one hand, I'm thrilled she's getting help and thrilled she's among friends.  On the other, I really didn't need to see her face after not seeing her for months now.  I almost feel like I'm back at square one in terms of my emotional recovery:  seeing her happy and beautiful melted me and reignited all the dormant feelings and missing her and and and.

Anyone else found themselves in the same situation?  I'm so glad she's in a good place with friends getting help;  I'm devastated that she's not reached out to her family in so long and appears not to give a s%&t about the people she left behind. 

[Wize]

She's moving on, so you do the same. You can't do that by holding onto her with one hand and letting go with the other. You can't control her, yet you're allowing her to control you. Time for some thought discipline. Turn your thoughts away from her and onto your own life. But yeah, seeing her all happy and beautiful has got to hit you right where counts. Now get the frick up and keep moving.

[Icanteven]

She's moving on, so you do the same. You can't do that by holding onto her with one hand and letting go with the other. You can't control her, yet you're allowing her to control you. Time for some thought discipline. Turn your thoughts away from her and onto your own life. But yeah, seeing her all happy and beautiful has got to hit you right where counts. Now get the frick up and keep moving.

Moving forward is all I can do.  Just very hard to see her having moved on so quickly from her husband and family.  We didn't have years and years of bickering; we were a remarkably normal family until her mental health issues started massing.  It really feels like a death, except she's moving on with her life like none of this happened and the people who love her the most mean nothing.  It's brutal.

[livednlearned]

there she was last night on IG with her girlfriends, as beautiful as ever, looking happy and loved.

Looking happy and loved is different than feeling happy and loved.  

Social media shows a staged moment in time, it makes ephemera seem permanent and tangible and real. For the BPD sufferer in my life, what social media suggests could not be further from the truth. It is a way to get the maximum amount of attention with the least amount of intimacy or authenticity.

I'm devastated that she's not reached out to her family in so long and appears not to give a s%&t about the people she left behind.  

Loved ones can represent a lot of baggage. There can be past hurts and difficult intimate relationships that may seem impossible to fix because they require vulnerability and accountability.

I know it hurts. I sometimes look at my son's father's FB page and see the very best of who he can be. Meanwhile, he has lost custody of our son and had to take a big demotion at work to prevent full termination of employment, has a crippling substance abuse problem and you can probably guess many other details because the stories so often seem the same.

What social media often does is makes us yearn for the version of our loved ones that no longer exist. They can be staged for short periods of time with close others. For us, that self is as good as gone and we have to radically accept this other person who remains.

[atomic popsicles]

It is brutal. I'm so sorry.

[Icanteven]

Well, it looks like there's already an ending to this story.  After DMing mods (and getting incredibly insightful, helpful advice), talkign to my T and other mental health professionals, and visiting a couple of support groups for families of mentally ill spouses/children, I was able to engage my wife and get as close to what I'd consider closure as possible.

My wife had never been in psychotherapy before her mental health crisis.  And, after going into therapy, a lot of uncomfortable truths came out.  Turns out, she didn't leave because of a bad argument or because there was someone else or because she didn't love me any more.  Nope.  The truth is somehow much worse.

Being a wife was a mask.  I was marriage material and marrying me gave her cache and agency and helped her conform to her family and friends and my own expectations of "normal."

Being a mother was a mask.  She was supposed to have children because all her parents wanted was grandchildren, and after being married to me long enough it seemed like the right thing to do.

Being the woman I fell in love with was a mask.  The too-good-to-be-true siren who stole my heart was a facade to win men over; the real version of my wife is in many ways the opposite:  afraid of intimacy, not especially social, not especially interested in sex, not especially interested in much of anything.  Just anxious, scared, and struggling to take care of herself on a day-to-day basis.

There's a part of my brain that wants to believe this is her way of letting me down easy, but given how disinterested she seems in me or our kids or our friends, her explanation sounds imminently reasonable.

What is really, really, really, unbelievably hard about hearing this is that such a vast swath of my family's life and a majority of my adult life boils down to mental illnesses masquerading as reality.  My wife says she never wants to get married again and wants to go back to her dating pattern before she met me, because it gives her control and means she doesn't have to meet anyone's expectations except her own.

How we deal with the kids, how we deal with getting divorced, and how we get on with our lives is still TBD, but she definitely wants a divorce.  She'll love me forever and always cherish our years together and blah blah blah but this is who she is.

Not sure what else there is to say.  Thanks everyone for your kind words and support.

[Leonis]

Being a wife was a mask.  I was marriage material and marrying me gave her cache and agency and helped her conform to her family and friends and my own expectations of "normal."

Being a mother was a mask.  She was supposed to have children because all her parents wanted was grandchildren, and after being married to me long enough it seemed like the right thing to do.

Being the woman I fell in love with was a mask.  The too-good-to-be-true siren who stole my heart was a facade to win men over; the real version of my wife is in many ways the opposite:  afraid of intimacy, not especially social, not especially interested in sex, not especially interested in much of anything.  Just anxious, scared, and struggling to take care of herself on a day-to-day basis.

I'm so sorry to learn this news.  :'(

That's just so wrong. The pretense. The deceit. The worst of it is that she did it to fulfill some sort of expectation, much like my ex (except she really liked sex, but hate the intimacy requirement).

[livednlearned]

It must be so hard to hear  :'(

How long is she expected to stay in the institution?

[Icanteven]

That's just so wrong. The pretense. The deceit. The worst of it is that she did it to fulfill some sort of expectation, much like my ex (except she really liked sex, but hate the intimacy requirement).

My wife used to really show enthusiasm for sex too.  But, in retrospect, sex was more about control than about intimacy.

It must be so hard to hear  :'(

How long is she expected to stay in the institution?

Good question.  Probably a few more months, though I'm not really sure what the end game is.  One of the really hard parts of this is that I can't really tell if she's making progress.  Little things can ruin entire days, and I'm not exactly sure how the stress of holding down a job and supporting herself going forward will affect her.

[Icanteven]

I honestly can't wrap my head around any of this.  Today I got a very sweet call:  I miss you and I love you but I still want to go through with getting divorced. 

Me:  Aren't we married?  Help me understand:  we are family, you are my wife, you love me, you miss me; why aren't we trying to save our marriage?

Her: I don't know I just can't.

I'm either being played for the biggest sucker ever or something is terribly wrong with the above conversation. 

[livednlearned]

Confusing. 

Are you getting any support from programs like Family Connections?

I wonder if you can connect with people who have been pushed aside during the recovery and treatment stages, to help make sense of this.

Someone in such an acute state of mental illness is usually not capable of making long lasting high impact decisions. This is not to say that she does not want to get divorced, or that she won't go through with it. Only that mental illness can be so baffling -- she has the emotions of a terribly hurt child and the reasoning powers of an adult. That in and of itself would be very confusing, not just to you, but to her. How can you know if what she says she wants is truly what she wants?

I wonder, too, if someone who had experience with this might counsel you to offer her unconditional love without making any demands. Meaning, to drop any talk of staying married and instead put the effort back on her. "If divorce will make you feel better, I want you to know that I will do that, even if every ounce of my being resists. I cannot, though, be the one to make this happen. It has to be you pulling the levers. I will be here for you, with the kids, supporting you as you go through your healing. If part of your healing is to get divorced, then that has to be something that you do for yourself. I will be taking care of myself and the kids, and working to understand what we are going through as a family."

Or something like that? I would have a hard time trusting her state of mind, while also believing that she intends to go through with it. It must come down to who she is as an individual, while also having some of the harbingers of recovery from BPD.

The only way I can imagine surviving what you are going through is to grieve the loss of the woman you loved and married, and to become very courageous and vulnerable for extended periods, for your sake and the kids.

[Icanteven]

Are you getting any support from programs like Family Connections?

I wonder if you can connect with people who have been pushed aside during the recovery and treatment stages, to help make sense of this... .The only way I can imagine surviving what you are going through is to grieve the loss of the woman you loved and married, and to become very courageous and vulnerable for extended periods, for your sake and the kids.

I'll certainly check out the website.  And I think you're right, as I've gotten that same advice from a number of friends and family and mental health professionals in the last 48 hours:  we get that you love your wife to pieces, but she's gone and she's never coming back, and whatever relationship you have with her going forward will be a new relationship with new dynamics and new boundaries and new expectations.

The worst part is I really thought we were making progress, given that we've been talking more and more - to the point that we spent two hours on the phone yesterday. She just doesn't want to be my wife any more. 

[livednlearned]

I really thought we were making progress, given that we've been talking more and more - to the point that we spent two hours on the phone yesterday. She just doesn't want to be my wife any more. 

Progress, whew. I can see how difficult it must be to hang in the balance like this. It seems a testament to you that you are keeping your heart open while her actions and words are so seemingly in conflict with each other. She wants you in her life; she does not want the old role?

Many pwBPD have no boundaries, emotional or otherwise. So she may "progress" as much as you are willing to let her progress, while she clings to what seems like an external boundary (my T calls them fortification, usually a sign of weak boundaries).

This may come down to your own boundaries, your own values, even though it feels like she has the power to decide what happens. You mentioned in earlier posts how important your vows are, so what might that mean in terms of your boundaries as she goes through recovery? Maybe we can help walk alongside you here and think through this together.