Dissipation of marital assets on the other party

[knowledgeseeker]

I haven't been on for a bit... .I've remained no contact for almost 6 months now letting my lawyer deal with everything. He will not budge... .wants to give me the debit he racked up and doesn't want to pay any support. He just won't settle, so trial it appears we will be headed for. During all of this it has come out that he indeed was having an affair, (He donated everything that was mine in our apartment in another state to the goodwill and then turns around and says I'm trying to hurt him)... .and moved in with this person (he works with her) even before we were over, I didn't even know he moved until I tried to serve him and all those business expenses for work... .not business expenses for work but trips, expensive dinners, etc on her. The months he stated he couldn't come home due to work to our entire family... .he was spending thousands and thousands on entertaining the replacement and hooking her. He even told my daughter she could visit at the holidays, she said she would think about it, called him back a week later and said she wanted to come down, he said he couldn't buy her a ticket because I had hired a lawyer... .turns out he was busy meeting the replacements family in another state and taking a cruise with her for the new year to mexico... .So... .while my state is no fault... .over 50K in dissipation of marital assets on another party is an issue especially when you are trying to stick your exwife with that debit in the divorce... .Anyone have experience in this area with there disordered ex? How did it go for you in court? He also is in contempt of court... .and I've had to take him back to have enforce court orders and appears the next is motion to compel followed my arbitration over the "expense report debit" issue.

I find it fascinating how he can hook someone else so quickly (especially someone he works with, that was a shocker to me) and be living with her on top of it... .And the lies... .what is he telling this person... .he finally reached out to the kids after months only to feed them a bunch of lies. They don't even want to talk to him because its non-productive. He's lied on his interrogatories twice now... .and the lies are so simple to dispel its mind boggling. He's gone from making it a point to tell the kids I filed to now saying he's had to do what he did for good reasons and he's moving on with his life, yet he won't settle and just continues to rack up the lawyer fees... .the reality of what happened and the story he's created is insane to me. Ive more than moved on... .I just want him to settle so I can fly. He seems more interested in creating a story to tell people while creating more lies that in turn just create more drama no one needs or wants to participate in but him.

[ForeverDad]

He will say whatever he wants to say.  He will delay or obstruct however he wishes to do so.  Your strategy will have to be to get the best outcome possible from the court.  Present the case that his debts are his and his alone, not marital debts.  Make him prove it, though it may be on you to disprove them or find enough lies in them to spoil the lot of them.

You can't sop him from being an a$$, just do your best to protect yourself and your children.

As for his GF, maybe some day she will see him for who he is.  Sadly, you have little or no input on that.  Reaching out to her has its own complications and risks so probably best not to try.

[knowledgeseeker]

You can't sop him from being an a$$, just do your best to protect yourself and your children.

----This is my focus and I'm letting the lawyer deal with the rest.

As for his GF, maybe some day she will see him for who he is.  Sadly, you have little or no input on that.  Reaching out to her has its own complications and risks so probably best not to try.

----I have no desire to reach out. I truly care nothing about what is going on with him or his new life, I just the divorce final so I can fully move forward with my new chapter. Its the wanting to move forward, sell the house etc that has me stuck until this is wrapped up. As far as the GF... .Its a cycle with him... .and rather than dealing with himself he just reinvents and starts over... .it will always be the same outcome for him in the end. Wash, rinse, repeat... .and it will always be someone else fault rather than his own. And he will always be an a$$, , he's high conflict, all or nothing and narcissistic, he doesn't know how to be any other way.

My only thing at this point is the cost of trial. My father is paying for this and has deep pockets but I'd like to recoup the legal fees since he's unwilling to settle. We also have the separation date at odds... .he's saying we split up in 2013 which is just plain insane since it wasn't until the end of Oct of 2015 and there is enough documentation on that to paper an entire city on top of depositions that will come from people and family (including his own) that will just make him look stupid. I'm sure it has to do with what he's saying to this replacement and when they got together, coupled with the new alternate reality he has created for himself. I've been awarded attorney fees at each court hearing (not full fees but a little), wondering what the judge will do with regards to lawyer fees for trial. My lawyers retainer just for trail is 50K and we have paid out close to that all ready dealing with discovery, motions to enforce etc.

[ForeverDad]

Sounds like his strategy is Brick Wall vs Irresistible Force, expecting you to cave first.  Does he have a lawyer?  His lawyer, while working for him still has an obligation to inform him when his actions are self-sabotaging.  The two lawyers ought to be able to some consensus as to how things will go forward.  Evidently it will have to be the court to rule promptly on his noncompliance and not let it string out too long.

[bpdsenior]

my experience with the courts especially in "family law", often a euphemism for divorce court, is that the responsible one often loses the most.  there are some things that courts just aren't equipped to handle like BPD.  I was told and it is true that they must use a VERY broad brush.  In fact incessant delay works to the advantage of the one who has nothing to lose, and frankly works to foster settlements.  About 90% of cases settle before trial, and it might be higher in no fault states.  Bottom line, you should evaluate realistically what exactly you hope to gain.  Fights that are expensive may be useful to the lawyers wallet, but may do little else.   Child support isn't really optional or at least it isn't supposed to be.  Much like the tax system, those with the most pay the most regardless of "right or wrong".

Its hard to make dispassionate choices when you are so involved and angry, justifiably so.  Fight for what is yours and fight for the children if any, but don't fight for the sake of the fight.  Keep in focus that any court order is just a piece of paper too as with your marriage license. You cannot get blood out of a turnip however right that might seem.  Take care of yourself. take care of minor kids.  Make good financial judgment otherwise.  Often lawyers mistake the law for economics.  You must keep the goal in focus whatever that goal is.

[knowledgeseeker]

Sounds like his strategy is Brick Wall vs Irresistible Force, expecting you to cave first.  Does he have a lawyer? 

He is on his second lawyer... .we hear very little from his current lawyer when we ask for production on something or ask him to obey or comply with court orders. My lawyer says his lawyer doesn't respond because his client doesn't respond to him. The only time he makes any moves is when we threaten to file contempt charges. We also had to subpoena his employment records as he hasn't been fourth coming on anything.

[knowledgeseeker]

Its hard to make dispassionate choices when you are so involved and angry, justifiably so.  Fight for what is yours and fight for the children if any, but don't fight for the sake of the fight.  Keep in focus that any court order is just a piece of paper too as with your marriage license. You cannot get blood out of a turnip however right that might seem.  Take care of yourself. take care of minor kids.  Make good financial judgment otherwise.  Often lawyers mistake the law for economics.  You must keep the goal in focus whatever that goal is.

I'm not even angry anymore, I just want to move on with my life. I want to split everything up based on what the law says is fair and equitable (except his debt, he racked the credit card up and wants to stick me with it) and I want spousal support for a min of two years (I could get 4 based on length of marriage) while I finish my job retraining program (which I started in Jan) so that I may re-enter the workforce as soon as possible at a responsible pay. I made more money than he did when we got together, had a successful career,  my own home etc and gave it up to move cross country in support of his career advancement. While I know I won't get back to the level of income I was at prior to marriage, I supported him in his career advancement while raising his two kids and my son at his request, one of which still lives with me and wants nothing to do with him as she cannot deal with his dysregulation, stonewalling and the endless lies and just wants stability in her life. Child support is not an issue in our case. Its simply a matter of dividing assets, retirement and spousal support. He is claiming the marriage was over and we separated and the marriage was defunct 2.5 years before we ever did. Which is shocking to both sides of the families since we were very much together up until 4 months before I filed for divorce after he cut us off financially after saying for 3 months he could no longer come home as work was preventing him from. Wondering how this will go down at trial or if there will be a point when the lawyers say hey this is the separation date lets move on now, . The whole thing is stupid. I just want to put the house on the market, sell it, split everything and never look back. He wants to create drama... .

[ForeverDad]

Make sure you take care of every detail selling the house.  Leaving anything, literally anything, in his hands is enabling obstruction.  For example, if the house is jointly owned, he will have to sign certain documents including his quit claim deed.  Figure out how to make sure that gets done on time.  For example, have the quit claim deed signed in advance and held in "safekeeping" by one of the lawyers.

Another idea is that whenever an order is made, include the consequence for noncompliance as well.  That saves you grief if you return to court and the judge is inclined to give him a break or more time.  The judge will see the consequence listed right there, nothing to do but enforce it.

In addition, sometimes a judge is unwilling to make one parent the winner and the other the loser.  Likely that's one reason the consequences (sanctions) are so weak, especially with regards to money.  For example, if children are not yet finished with college then ask for a portion of the sanctions to go toward the children's education.  Or your education.

[knowledgeseeker]

Make sure you take care of every detail selling the house.  Leaving anything, literally anything, in his hands is enabling obstruction.  For example, if children are not yet finished with college then ask for a portion of the sanctions to go toward the children's education.  Or your education.

My lawyer has been really good about consequences... .he still doesn't care. Judge awarded me partial legal fees at the last "motion to enforce" hearing in Feb... .has he paid it... .No... .and the consequence, it accrues 12% interest. He charged up the credit card and claimed it was business expenses... .we gave him a hard deadline with consequence... you don't turn them in, get the money and pay down the cc you are charged $50 a day for every day past the deadline. Judge signed off on it. Has he done it... .nope, he claims now he turned them all in and that there are no more business expenses to turn in... .did he pay the CC down... .nope, so we had to subpoena his work to get copies of what he did turn in and when he was reimbursed to figure out what were actually business expenses on the CC, and what was spent on his girlfriend and where the money went as he didn't put it where the court ordered him too.

Its all exhausting. There is no logic with a person like this. And it feels never ending. It would be so much easier if he would just comply, settle al this and we could be done with it all and never have to deal with each other again.

Question for you... .my daughter is not biological. I raised her, she still resides with me, and sadly wants nothing to do with her dad. She is in college and her father always bragged to me about how in his first divorce he made sure he wasn't responsible for the kids college and how stupid I was because my parenting plan for my biological child states myself and my sons dad are responsible. Which I have no problem with... .he's my child, I want him to be successful of course I'm gong to help him as much as I can. My step daughter has a financial gap for college next year we think we have it figured out but in reading what you wrote about sanctions towards college, I'm wondering if I can have my lawyer do that for my daughter? When we went to court for the temporary support order, I had calculated what my daughter needed then for living expenses (based on what had been spent for the previous year) and my lawyer said it was a long shot because she was over 18 that the judge would do anything for her. The judge granted the temp order in full, and I've been giving her the money since then, but once that temporary support ends (if this damn divorce is every finalized) she knows that she will either have to talk to him (which she doesn't want to do, she tried already once and its a non-productive, circular conversation that is pointless with no resolution for her) or we will have to figure something else out. Wondering if I should talk to my lawyer about that?