Being compared to the replacement...

[CC85]

Help guys, I'm destroyed here... .

Long story short, ex udBPDgf left 2 weeks ago, a week after also leaving (me telling her to) as she had admitted texting and meeting her work colleague... .

Fast forward 2 weeks, I have been talking by email with her without her confirming or denying whether she had moved on, and it seemed as if she was almost open to sorting things and giving it another try... .I had been kind of pleading with her to see sense and focus on the good times (which were phenomenal) but suddenly I was shot down in flames by this "The other guy came over the other day and played with ****** (her son, my step son), he was so good with him, played with him and you never did that, you told him off and only cared for your own son (our 3 yo)"... .She then told em to move on like she is, be amicable for our son.

I'm truly heartbroken as despite the advice of my parents and friends to never ever consider going back to crazy I was clinging on the hope of making her realise and getting things back together. She now lives not far from this new man in her own place (although refuses to tell me her address, as she claimed domestic violence because I asked her to leave my home).

How the hell do I move on from this? knowing that she and the new man are probably having the time of their life over this bank holiday weekend, amazing sex, and acting like the ideal family, while I sit and mope with my son. I'm truly rocked by this, even though I know it's all part of BPD... .I fear that she will be "normal" now and the new guy will think what a loser I must be to lose someone who is attractive, passionate and can be the most loving gf ever.

[blackbirdsong]

I fear that she will be "normal" now and the new guy will think what a loser I must be to lose someone who is attractive, passionate and can be the most loving gf ever.

Stop caring for other people's opinion. Other people's opinion cannot establish the truth. You know the truth.

He may think that you are crazy, autistic, manipulative, extraterrestrial if he will. Who cares? Maybe she cares now, but you shouldn't.

[JerryRG]

Hello CC85

I'm sorry you are going through this

My ex says the same things about me and her new bf, everyone knows she's just an angry child venting out her usual hatred. I missed one days visitation while she spent 4 months not seeing our son and says her bf had to pick up the slack because our sons father figure didn't show up.

All lies and manipulation because her moods change on the hour, she hates me for kicking her butt out of my life and I cannot control her statements to me or about me, she's telling her new man I raped her as well. She's not in reality and never will be. Her new relationship will end up the same as ours and the guy before and the guy before that.

What does my ex have? Nothing

She's set in misery and lies and using her same playbook.

What do I have? Freedom, health, choices, opportunities, growth, friends, family, AA, Alanon, Church, a job, a future.

She has none of this and she's destined for misery and pain the rest of her life running from solutions that could make her existence better. PwBPD try to appear happy, it's just a temporary high just like the high they gave us in the begging. No substance, no quality, no peace, just emptiness and desperation.

I would have to say we nons have it quite well.

I do hope you feel better and get passed this mirage she's presenting you.

[WoundedBibi]

Help guys, I'm destroyed here... .

Long story short, ex udBPDgf left 2 weeks ago, a week after also leaving (me telling her to) as she had admitted texting and meeting her work colleague... .

Fast forward 2 weeks, I have been talking by email with her without her confirming or denying whether she had moved on, and it seemed as if she was almost open to sorting things and giving it another try... .I had been kind of pleading with her to see sense and focus on the good times (which were phenomenal) but suddenly I was shot down in flames by this "The other guy came over the other day and played with ****** (her son, my step son), he was so good with him, played with him and you never did that, you told him off and only cared for your own son (our 3 yo)"... .She then told em to move on like she is, be amicable for our son.

I'm truly heartbroken as despite the advice of my parents and friends to never ever consider going back to crazy I was clinging on the hope of making her realise and getting things back together. She now lives not far from this new man in her own place (although refuses to tell me her address, as she claimed domestic violence because I asked her to leave my home).

How the hell do I move on from this? knowing that she and the new man are probably having the time of their life over this bank holiday weekend, amazing sex, and acting like the ideal family, while I sit and mope with my son. I'm truly rocked by this, even though I know it's all part of BPD... .I fear that she will be "normal" now and the new guy will think what a loser I must be to lose someone who is attractive, passionate and can be the most loving gf ever.

CC85 moving on from a BPD relationship and breakup is really really hard. But you have a son of 3 so you need to snap out of your ego trip.

Your ex is mentally ill. She is not normal. Never was. Never will.

The sex was amazing because she is mentally ill; sex with all pwBPD is amazing. For the partners. Not for the pwBPD. They can just sense what you want and have no boundaries both in the phase when you fall for them and in the bedroom.

What the new guy thinks doesn't matter. What happened to you will happen to him. Same play, different actors.

Now you write about the phenomenal times.

Before you wrote about her calling the police on you, CPS being involved, embarrassing situations with neighbours. It looks to me you are idealizing your time together. What was so phenomenal about this relationship? Was she there for you when you needed her support?

You write a lot about amazing sex and how attractive she is. But I think it is time to look beyond this male point of view and look at things as a father.

You have a 3 year old son. You say you want a perfect family life for him. You wrote in another thread she was a good mother. Was she? What made her a good mother? Did she teach him things to prepare him for life? To deal with difficult things? Do you really think a pwBPD can be a good parent? That they can teach a child how to deal with emotions? From what you described he does not miss her. This means there is a problem with bonding between him and his mother. Science says BPD stems from a combination of genes and a problem with bonding with the primary caregiver in the first 3 years of life (whether it's through abuse or simply not being emotionally there). Half of your son's genes are those of your ex. If he doesn't miss her there is a bonding issue. Maybe it's because I'm not in the first wave of the breakup anymore, maybe it's my maternal instinct kicking in, maybe both. But IMO your focus should not be on amazing sex and if you are having it with her or this guy is, but if your son is going to be okay. He should have an emotional stable parent on his life. She is not that person. So you have to be.

As I wrote to you in another thread, don't look for another girl to be the Messiah for. Heal from this, heal yourself, look at why you have the need to be a Messiah. Care for yourself, care for your son, let her go. If you heal yourself at some point on your life there will be an emotionally stable woman for you that can be an emotionally stable motherfigure for your son and you can have your ideal family. But your ex isn't the one to form an ideal family with. Choose for your son. He needs you. He is 3.

[JerryRG]

Well said WoundedBibi

This made me think as well, I keep focusing on my exgf and forget what's best for my son. Still don't know why I fear her so much. Maybe I'm using fear as an excuse to not face my parental responsibility? I'm slowly learning who I am.

Thank God for these forums or I would have absolutely no clue.

[Driver]

Help guys, I'm destroyed here... .

Long story short, ex udBPDgf left 2 weeks ago, a week after also leaving (me telling her to) as she had admitted texting and meeting her work colleague... .

Fast forward 2 weeks, I have been talking by email with her without her confirming or denying whether she had moved on, and it seemed as if she was almost open to sorting things and giving it another try... .I had been kind of pleading with her to see sense and focus on the good times (which were phenomenal) but suddenly I was shot down in flames by this "The other guy came over the other day and played with ****** (her son, my step son), he was so good with him, played with him and you never did that, you told him off and only cared for your own son (our 3 yo)"... .She then told em to move on like she is, be amicable for our son.

I'm truly heartbroken as despite the advice of my parents and friends to never ever consider going back to crazy I was clinging on the hope of making her realise and getting things back together. She now lives not far from this new man in her own place (although refuses to tell me her address, as she claimed domestic violence because I asked her to leave my home).

How the hell do I move on from this? knowing that she and the new man are probably having the time of their life over this bank holiday weekend, amazing sex, and acting like the ideal family, while I sit and mope with my son. I'm truly rocked by this, even though I know it's all part of BPD... .I fear that she will be "normal" now and the new guy will think what a loser I must be to lose someone who is attractive, passionate and can be the most loving gf ever.

Believe me, in the end, spending time with your son is much more worthwhile than getting back to someone who is capable of destroying you. Get over her. Spend time with your son, play with him, have a laugh together, watch cartoons with him, and eventually you'll end up meeting someone suitable for you.

[balletomane]

My ex has been with my replacement for over a year now, the longest relationship he's had in his life, and while I know that the reason it hasn't foundered is because they live together and haven't had to spend any time apart (he gets suspicious and turns verbally vicious if you're away from him) I have similar fears about him being 'normal' now. It makes me wonder sometimes if the problem really was me. So what if he had problems in all his relationships before me? Perhaps his theory that we were all abusers who singled him out for abuse was correct. Perhaps his new girlfriend has been able to make him happy and it was my fault that I couldn't. And perhaps the moon is made of green cheese.

I know it's hard and painful, but bear in mind that people with BPD are able to move on so fast because they are unstable and volatile in relationships. You don't share that instability, so you can't just leap into a new relationship without a second thought. You will feel shaken up for a time. But which is worse, to live with that instability 24/7, the way your ex does, or to experience temporary pain as you grieve and recover from what happened to you? I know the pain is gut-wrenching, but it won't be forever.

[Dhand77]

You just have to fight past it. I was replaced by an alcoholic that is in his mid forties and sings in a corner bar band. He never amounted to anything and he never will. He'll just sing songs that other people wrote.

Then she discarded him 2 months later.

Now she's moved on to a guy in our work place that has terrible hygiene habits and missing teeth.

3 months out. It's all pretty laughable. Don't sweat this other guy. Chances are, he's some loser as well. They tend to pick losers, because they are easy targets. Does it suck? Yes, yes it does. So, you need to focus on your boy. He LOVES you unconditionally. I know what it's like. I focused on the sex thing a little too much myself. But it's ok, I had great sex before her and I'll have great sex after her. Focus on your son. I started a YouTube channel with my boy, now I look forward to playing video games with him and making videos. Find a hobby for you two to share. It will be more fun than hanging with that drag.

Sure, it stings like hell to know you're instantly replaced. I ABSOLUTELY know that feeling. We all do here. But do you man. She isn't happy. She NEVER WILL BE HAPPY. But, YOU, you WILL be happy again.

[Concerns]

Do not believe the lies you tell yourself.

I am beginning to think that nons trying to recover from a BPD relationship should enter AA or some type of addiction counseling.

Destroy hope. Smash it with a hammer. Hope is a horrible thing sometimes.

And if you think about it, really,really think about it. Was the sex really that great? Looking back, it lacked intimacy. It wasn't THAT fulfilling. While I had an oxytocin release and it led to me bonding with her, it didn't lead to her bonding with me. It wasn't a real relationship.

Everything you think her replacement is doing with her is probably 1000% worse than you think. You should take care of yourself and your son. Go have some fun with him. It's hard not to mope, trust me. My replacement was the bee's knees. So was I. You can feel with 100% confidence that despite anything she says, her internal life is a tornado and every subsequent relationship will suffer the same fate as yours even if its YEARS later. Life is short. Live it.

[Herodias]

"I do hope you feel better and get passed this mirage she's presenting you."

I like the term "Mirage"... .It is funny we all think the other people are losers... .what does this makes us?  I keep telling people to get over the sex... .It was fake too. I read they are basically masterbating with your body. Start to look at it that way and it will disgust you. Mine would use silicone body parts if I wasn't available, so it makes sense to me! We want to believe the fantasy. Try to focus on what is real... .It takes awhile to recover and get back to "normal" but once you get there it is so much nicer!

[balletomane]

"I do hope you feel better and get passed this mirage she's presenting you."

I like the term "Mirage"... .It is funny we all think the other people are losers... .what does this makes us?

I've noticed this too. I don't think badly of my replacement - I knew her, she's lovely and very well educated and accomplished, and sometimes it's hard for me not to compare myself unfavourably to her. But looking at his relationship history, I can see a pattern: he will date almost anyone who shows interest in him. Anyone. He admitted as much to me once, sobbing out of the blue one day, "If it weren't for you I'd just end up in anybody's bed. You shouldn't be with scum men." He raised the same issue when he was speaking about the ex before the ex before me, someone he'd always insisted had been abusive and whom he seemed to have particular anger for. He told me that she had criticised him for his previous choice of partners, some of whom had been really dodgy. "She felt that I have no selection procedure and I just date anyone." He was giving this to me as an example of how unreasonable she'd been. Now I see she was right. If you have this scattergun approach to relationships, sometimes you end up with good partners and other times you end up with people whom everyone else would walk twenty miles to avoid. So it's largely irrelevant that my replacement is lovely, because he'd have dated her even if she were the polar opposite. Literally anyone will do.

At first accepting this hurts like hell, because we wanted to believe that we were different, that we genuinely mattered. It is still painful for me to realise that I was just one in a line of anyones. But at least I've left the line now, and I have my replacement to thank for that - if he hadn't discarded me for her, in all likelihood I'd still be stuck there, lacking strength and conviction to pull myself out.

[once removed]

its a real double whammy, CC85, for your ex to leap into another relationship so quickly, and to hear her compare them to you. its awful to be compared negatively to anyone else. im sorry this has happened to you  .

[CC85]

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement and support, this board has, like other members have said, become like my family and a support network 

WoundedBibi - You make some excellent points there and you know what, no my ex didn't respect me or value my beliefs. I always remember a time 3 years ago, I badly broke my arm playing football on a Thursday night at a local sports centre. Now, I can't remember much about the immediate treatment I received, but apparently the on duty first aider was a rather attractive female gymnast. One of the football players sent me a facebook message while I was sitting waiting for my arm to be plastered, popping painkillers and in absolute agony saying "Sorry about the arm man, but at least you had a nice female gymnast give you first aid!"... .With that my ex (who when she was told by phone that I had broken my arm and would need surgery, wasn't particularly bothered) went crazy, sending me messages and the chap who posted the humorous comment. Apparently I was a cheat and had flirted with said first aider (my arm was snapped but hey ho?).

With regards to the attractiveness, it's strange really because I guess her attractiveness came as a result of putting a lot of make up, sometimes hair pieces and always wanting to change her appearance. She did just have this knack of being able to hit my buttons regardless of what mood I was in, but again perhaps this is just the BPD effect working like a drug. one hit and she had me hooked... .If I'm 100% honest, I would say it was probably a physical attraction, rather than an emotional attraction. I spent 10 years with someone who didn't have BPD and I found her beautiful in a different way, she was kind, caring, loving, sensitive. Sadly I cannot say this about my current ex, so it's an excellent point Bibi.

With regards to my ex as a Mother, this again is too fold... .she is very kind almost to the point that she spends way to much on her sons on toys they don't need or should have as a reward/present. She feeds them well and keeps them clean. But then there are times when she will swear in front of them, or behave like a stroppy teenager, for example we went on an Easter Egg hunt... .there were 2 different trails and myself and the 2 boys wanted to do the longer one, whereas she wanted to do the shorter one. She grabbed her own son (my step son - she would often create this divide between them 2 and me and my son) and marched off to do their own trailer, while me and my son did ours. She would often behave like this in public, which initially I would go and chase her but after a while just let her do it, rather than embarrass myself.

Today was the first day in 2 weeks that my 3 yo has seen his Mum, and he went to her new home. I have him again now for the weekend. When I asked my son what he had been doing today (as he hasn't been well so isn't at nursery), he said "I saw Mummy's friend ****, he hugged Mummy". When I questioned why my ex would suddenly introduce a new man into our son's life when he's likely already confused at her being in a new home, she replied with "New man was helping me with the table... .he's hardly new in my life anyways". Talk about hit a man when he's down. I ended up leaving the email conversation with "He's welcome to you and your BPD"... .I am now attempting to go NC and have any access for my son managed by my Mother, who actually works for the local social/education sector.

Having experienced the complete disregard today, from starting the day almost reasoning with my ex to give us another shot, to finding out by the end of it that she was probably reading these emails with the replacement I actually feel as if my ex would be happy to watch me completely self destruct. I WONT... .I will take the positive comments from the good people on here, I will focus on my young son, I will do lots of fun things with him this bank holiday and in time I will look to meet someone who can accept us as a duo, and who knows if I have concerns with my ex's behaviour I could look to go for full custody (really isn't an option at present, with work commitments etc) and he loves his half brother to bits so wouldn't want to remove him from that.

[WoundedBibi]

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement and support, this board has, like other members have said, become like my family and a support network 

WoundedBibi - You make some excellent points there and you know what, no my ex didn't respect me or value my beliefs. I always remember a time 3 years ago, I badly broke my arm playing football on a Thursday night at a local sports centre. Now, I can't remember much about the immediate treatment I received, but apparently the on duty first aider was a rather attractive female gymnast. One of the football players sent me a facebook message while I was sitting waiting for my arm to be plastered, popping painkillers and in absolute agony saying "Sorry about the arm man, but at least you had a nice female gymnast give you first aid!"... .With that my ex (who when she was told by phone that I had broken my arm and would need surgery, wasn't particularly bothered) went crazy, sending me messages and the chap who posted the humorous comment. Apparently I was a cheat and had flirted with said first aider (my arm was snapped but hey ho?).

With regards to the attractiveness, it's strange really because I guess her attractiveness came as a result of putting a lot of make up, sometimes hair pieces and always wanting to change her appearance. She did just have this knack of being able to hit my buttons regardless of what mood I was in, but again perhaps this is just the BPD effect working like a drug. one hit and she had me hooked... .If I'm 100% honest, I would say it was probably a physical attraction, rather than an emotional attraction. I spent 10 years with someone who didn't have BPD and I found her beautiful in a different way, she was kind, caring, loving, sensitive. Sadly I cannot say this about my current ex, so it's an excellent point Bibi.

With regards to my ex as a Mother, this again is too fold... .she is very kind almost to the point that she spends way to much on her sons on toys they don't need or should have as a reward/present. She feeds them well and keeps them clean. But then there are times when she will swear in front of them, or behave like a stroppy teenager, for example we went on an Easter Egg hunt... .there were 2 different trails and myself and the 2 boys wanted to do the longer one, whereas she wanted to do the shorter one. She grabbed her own son (my step son - she would often create this divide between them 2 and me and my son) and marched off to do their own trailer, while me and my son did ours. She would often behave like this in public, which initially I would go and chase her but after a while just let her do it, rather than embarrass myself.

Today was the first day in 2 weeks that my 3 yo has seen his Mum, and he went to her new home. I have him again now for the weekend. When I asked my son what he had been doing today (as he hasn't been well so isn't at nursery), he said "I saw Mummy's friend ****, he hugged Mummy". When I questioned why my ex would suddenly introduce a new man into our son's life when he's likely already confused at her being in a new home, she replied with "New man was helping me with the table... .he's hardly new in my life anyways". Talk about hit a man when he's down. I ended up leaving the email conversation with "He's welcome to you and your BPD"... .I am now attempting to go NC and have any access for my son managed by my Mother, who actually works for the local social/education sector.

Having experienced the complete disregard today, from starting the day almost reasoning with my ex to give us another shot, to finding out by the end of it that she was probably reading these emails with the replacement I actually feel as if my ex would be happy to watch me completely self destruct. I WONT... .I will take the positive comments from the good people on here, I will focus on my young son, I will do lots of fun things with him this bank holiday and in time I will look to meet someone who can accept us as a duo, and who knows if I have concerns with my ex's behaviour I could look to go for full custody (really isn't an option at present, with work commitments etc) and he loves his half brother to bits so wouldn't want to remove him from that.

Remember that an attractive woman is also one that shares your values. Your ex doesn't, no matter what she looks like.

Remember that an adult relationship is based on mutual support, trust and sharing. A relationship with a pw a PD is not an adult relationship. It is not balanced.

Remember being a good mother (or father for that matter) is about way more than spending money on toys or making sure a child is fed or has on clean clothes. It is about bringing across your values and making sure the child becomes an adult that is emotionally stable. To be able to do that a parent needs to be able to understand their own emotions and put them aside for the benefit of the child. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201310/what-makes-good-mother-anyway

I think NC and having your mother making arrangements for your son to see your ex is a good choice; it creates breathing room.

And perhaps in time sole custody with help of your mother is an option where your son can see your ex and/or his brother under supervision on a regular basis.

[CC85]

Exactly Bibi... .to be honest my parents have noticed in the past 2 weeks with my son being with me at their home, he has been extremely settled, slept well and eaten well, better than he did when I was living with my ex in our home. I have also noticed that if there is any potential conflict between anyone he tried to shepherd one person away. It was when I thought about it that he has learnt this trait from seeing my ex and I fight and row.

I do still fear that in weeks, maybe months the novelty with the replacement will wear off and my ex will suddenly miss what we had (we had a 2 week holiday booked for June) and she may try and come running back AGAIN.

I must keep my resolve and not let her back, focus on getting myself back and being the best possible father when I have my son and then one day look at the idea of gaining sole custody. My trouble is, I received a fine for an assault charge 2 years previous (just a drunken mistake where I went after my ex who had left again only to get into a scuffle with her Father and brother), and more recently she claimed she was a victim of domestic abuse (because I asked her to leave her key if she was storming out again). Her favourite all time saying was "Who are they going to believe?" when I told her she had mad so many lies and outrageous allegations against me. I do worry that she will play all of them if I ever tried to fight for custody but I have put my side of the story to our local social workers so it is on record. I also have copies of emails which show her to be suicidal or mentally unstable, which I could call on.

[SoMadSoSad]

My ex is OBSESSED with the replacement. He looks like a decent person though, probably the best shes ever had. They will probably last a few years when we only lasted 9 months

[WoundedBibi]

My ex is OBSESSED with the replacement. He looks like a decent person though, probably the best shes ever had. They will probably last a few years when we only lasted 9 months

You don't know if the replacement is the best she's ever had as you're judging by looks and guess what, pretty people can be ffffd up too as we have found out... He might be the creepiest guy between his ears she has ever encountered. Not that it matters, she is your ex.

You don't know how long they will last. If you can predict the future you should tell us what the lotto numbers will be...

You don't know if your ex is OBSESSED with the guy that replaced you because you don't get to look inside her head.

Who is really obsessed with the replacement?

[WoundedBibi]

Exactly Bibi... .to be honest my parents have noticed in the past 2 weeks with my son being with me at their home, he has been extremely settled, slept well and eaten well, better than he did when I was living with my ex in our home. I have also noticed that if there is any potential conflict between anyone he tried to shepherd one person away. It was when I thought about it that he has learnt this trait from seeing my ex and I fight and row.

I do still fear that in weeks, maybe months the novelty with the replacement will wear off and my ex will suddenly miss what we had (we had a 2 week holiday booked for June) and she may try and come running back AGAIN.

I must keep my resolve and not let her back, focus on getting myself back and being the best possible father when I have my son and then one day look at the idea of gaining sole custody. My trouble is, I received a fine for an assault charge 2 years previous (just a drunken mistake where I went after my ex who had left again only to get into a scuffle with her Father and brother), and more recently she claimed she was a victim of domestic abuse (because I asked her to leave her key if she was storming out again). Her favourite all time saying was "Who are they going to believe?" when I told her she had mad so many lies and outrageous allegations against me. I do worry that she will play all of them if I ever tried to fight for custody but I have put my side of the story to our local social workers so it is on record. I also have copies of emails which show her to be suicidal or mentally unstable, which I could call on.

Good resolves 

Be on your best behaviour. Make sure there are no drunken nights with friends or anything to drown your sorrow because those nights can go ugly before you know it.

Keep all the evidence and if you do meet up with her do it with a witness there that can stand up in court if needed or somewhere where there are cameras or both.