How quickly he moved on

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there. It's 5:32 am and I can't sleep. I finally ended a one year relationship Thursday evening. Only to find him online less than a day later on a dating website. My heart is broken. What happened to all the things he said like I was the love of his life. Wanted to marry me. Yet one day after it's over he's online dating?  He ended it thirteen times. I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know how to deal with this.

[Specialty65]

Hi there. It's 5:32 am and I can't sleep. I finally ended a one year relationship Thursday evening. Only to find him online less than a day later on a dating website. My heart is broken. What happened to all the things he said like I was the love of his life. Wanted to marry me. Yet one day after it's over he's online dating?  He ended it thirteen times. I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know how to deal with this.

[bus boy]

Sorry to hear about your pain. You are in the right place. This board is full of people who know your pain and will help you through it. It sounds like you took the first steps in dealing with it. Now you have to stick with it. It's like quiting drinking. Getting sober is no problem, it's staying sober where the work begins. You might think your crazy or your world is crashing, not sleeping very normal, not eating, not wanting to go out in public, empty, helpless feelings, many different things and it's all normal, the healing process. You have been drained by an emotional vampire. Take this opportunity to thank god they are out of your life. Believe me and anyone on this site, life will be better. It's not easy and your ex will be back. You are normal, want closure or questions answered. You will never get closure only lies. Resist your urge to respond or make contact. No contact is going to save you, I'm assuming you don't have children with this person. If so, very limited email or text, about the children only. Very short yes no answers. If no children than go total no contact. If your lucky he has a source to drain. This will give you time to get strong. If you have things of his he will make an excuse to come for it. give very specific time he can come get it, have friends over, do not engage, let someone give him his belongings. If he makes excuses or doesn't show up, take them and drop them off somewhere. It never gets better, they don't love. It will take time, it will be painful. None of this is about you. They are like hurricanes they come, they destroy, they are gone. There words are as empty as there soul, they need you to fill there soul. Pour your story out as many times as you have to, write on here as many times as you have to. Find a good T or very good friend who you can talk to. No contact. He might text, I've been thinking about you, do not respond, not one word or happy face or anything. I checked my phone 50 times a day looking for that magic text. The best advice I got on this board was " healing is a process not an event"  stay strong. It does get better. It's not easy but well worth it.

[Specialty65]

Thank you for your message. I actually have read his online messages to these new women and I cried all night I accessed his account. I don't want him but can't believe he could just move on like that. I'm in total shock. Even though everything I've read about BPD says he will just replace me ASAP I didn't believe it

[Specialty65]

Oh and yes he did text the next day asking for vacation pictures of him. I sent them. These are what he put up online.

[wanttoknowmore]

His behavior is heartbreaking as this behavior is sick... .coming out due to his Possible Borderline personality.

Its common for pwBPD  to get emotionally out of control and indulge in impulsive sexual behaviors to soothe themselves.

Its attempt to feel better from their negative overwhelming emotional overflow. However, after such behavior, they end up

more miserable and disgusted about themselves.

You have to see it as his disease flaring up... .it does not reflect how desirable or lovable you are. Do not feel guilty as it

truly is not your fault. Its his disease which is driving him to this type of despicable behavior. I hurts you... absolutely  but

you are not the cause.  He might get back to normal mood and you might hear back from him. Just stay prepared how to

deal with his possible return in days or weeks.

[Specialty65]

I am so blessed to have found this site. Thank you. I really need this. Day two of my healing and it's been a rough rough night. I feel more raw than I did when I left a 17 year marriage.

[londons]

good morning.  busboy and wanttomoveon.  amazing advice and very well said.  i need to copy those responses and put them on my fridge to read every morning, cuz that's the bottom line and the only way out of the craziness.  specialty, i am sorry for your pain.  i am in the exact boat you are in, so move over and ill help you paddle!  i am 4 months without seeing my bphusband of 9 years, and 2 weeks past the "i found someone else stage".  i thought he was kidding when he told me.  trying to function after hearing that is almost impossible.  family and friends are celebrating for me and cant understand why i am not.  little do they know i am sobbing most of the day!  driving home from work yesterday, i thought to myself that i would almost rather tolerate a lifetime of pain, lies, deceit, arguments that made no sense and trodding on eggshells than endure this breakup pain.  this site has been helpful because others know that "i cant go on like this" pain we are now feeling.  top it off with, "what the hail just happened?" and it makes for a tough healing process.  my kids at home and my students at school are my motivation.  i know what we should be doing (eating right, sleeping, resting, working out, reading, hanging with friends, etc.), but staying under the covers has been the best i can do so far.  it really is one hour at a time.  one thing i know is its gotta get better, cuz it cant get any worse.  his asking for the pictures, ugh, sounds like he is going out of his way to bring more hurt to your already agonizing soul.  you may want to block all texts and calls, so you are not staring at it.  nothing tougher than that, because hearing from them is what we are craving as we withdraw from the toxic situation we are in.  no one has the right to make us feel like crap without our permission, is what i keep saying!  hang in there.  the above 2 replies are right on the money. spend it wisely and take those baby steps... .you will make it thru this... .

[londons]

 hi again specialty, might you share what happened on thursday to make you realize you needed to go your separate ways? was it a particular incident, or a compilation of a year's worth of... .    "something's not right here... ."   

[Makersmarksman]

Remember he is doing this because in his head he Has to,  he doesn't have a logical alternative,  he cannot face being alone (abandoned) for a single second.

[Specialty65]

Thank you so much for your support. The defining moment was when we came back from down south and I had to tell him that a concert he wanted to take me to I couldn't go because I'd be away for work. I rehearsed over and over how to break the news to him. When I finally told him he began his spiral. Uninviting me from other events. From renting a cottage together etc.

I told him that one event cancellation involved my daughter and that she would be devastated. He didn't care. She did though. She was quite upset.

Of course a day later he back peddles and says I can come now. But couldn't apologize for uninviting my daughter and me.

It was more than the apology. It was that his actions no longer affected me directly but now my daughter.

I sent him a note that his behaviour had affected me and now my daughters and not to contact me.

I felt such strength. Mama bear coming out. Until less than 24 hours later he's online dating.

My girls don't want me with him. I am better without but wow the pain is pretty raw.

[londons]

that is just crazy.  i get where u stop the pain where your daughters are concerned.  and wow, that u needed to rehearse the    i cant go to this one     statement.  i am thinking that is where the black / white component comes in. in other words,    u cant come to this event?   well that MUST mean u will not go to ANY events     why the back lashe, ya know?    i remember my hands being so shaky cuz i just couldnt return a text or call from him fast enough, and i didnt want to get in trouble, worry him, or worst of all, accuse me of being with someone  and THAT being the reason i didnt pick up!    when what i was doing was taking a jog around the block,  hanging laundry, etc.     that is so insane.  and then when talking with him, i would HOPE he believed me.     one time, i was out with my school staff friends (4 girls) after our last day of school (we are teachers, it was 4 pm)   well i didnt hear my phone buzz, and he was texting to see where i was.   (I use to go out, but since meeting him i NEVER went out or saw friends so not to upset him or make him jealous... .sounds so absurd)   anyway, he was working a state away at the time, and since i didnt pick up and he thought i was doing something bad, he DROVE , yes DROVE,  from one STATE away, to come to my house and check on me.    course i was home sleeping by that time  (9 pm, i am SUCH the party animal)      i spose he thought i would have someone in bed with me    ?     i went to lunch with 4 teacher friends for petes sake, to celebrate a great school year!       (if i were to type this to someone unfamiliar with bpersonality, i am sure they would shake their head in disbelief.   when i write this to my friends on this site, i see u all saying, yes... .i can relate.)