need support from my BPD fam-trauma bond still active how to make it stop

[cherryblossom]

Hi 

I need love and support from you guys about this as you truly understand the pain... .

I feel vile today-had been doing relatively well -I just feel so low -I feel like I don't deserve to meet anyone decent and that will be impossible anyway. I feel like a fool. I cannot believe how disgustingly he has treated me -I can understand why he was calling himself evil. I feel like I want to smash his face in.

If you have read any of my older posts when I foolishly wanted / thought I could save our relationship -you will know my ex owed me £350. Also that few weeks ago found out through his sister he is with someone else from work.

A few days ago I sent him a message as fed up with the no communication -I said in it -will it be easier to make contact with your mother to get the £350 from her and you pay her back? No answer.

about 3 days ago I was going through emails and I see an email from deposit refund scheme saying £329 has been paid -checked my account and it had been paid in 21st April. -so he didn't even think I was worthy of letting me know he had paid me back. So I sent a text saying I don't know why you couldn't let me know you had paid me. You still owe me £21.

Anyway first Fri night with no plans for a while -just couldn't get off to sleep -kept getting intrusive memories of me and him -we used to have a magnetic attraction and sex life and I was thinking about us dancing together and then I got really upset imagining him with this other female -I felt intense betrayal -It was sinking in -I couldn't believe he could be being intimate with someone else. Anyway for some strange reason I felt the need to look at his profile page on facebook (I am not friends with him). He had literally put up a new profile pic of himself with this other female the previous evening. It felt like a stab to the chest. It is so embarrassing as we have many mutual friends. I feel so much shame -I feel like he is trying to get me to carry his shame -why do I soak it up?

It feels like he is angry at me and wants to cause me as much pain as possible -what did I do to deserve it? I want to know what he thinks was so wrong that I did to act like this? Why does he hate me so much? I stood by him when he was coming to terms with his issues. I don't think he liked it because I would encourage him to develop his true self.

The weird thing is, is that he went out his way to say to me many times during our relationship that he is not attracted to black women -he is to mixed race women but this female is really black? Which just makes it all feel even weirder and strange. He even used to get a bit racist toward black men when drunk -saying they treat their women badly ! (is he for real!-projection or what?) I used to get really angry at him when he said stuff like that and said he should be careful with what he is saying

He scares the life out of me the depths of his chameleon like behavior and the total lack of integrity. He freaks me out! I am freaked out that I spent time with someone like this -what the heck is wrong with me? I feel so much shame -I must be insane!

I feel like he put that pic up because he is angry that he paid my money back and it is payback for not having anything over me any more -his trump card -but how sick? why does he hate me so much and want to cause me so much pain?

I couldn't stop myself from sending angry messages to him today -saying I can understand why he calls himself evil as he behaves disgustingly -he lied about being a young dad, about me being his absolute perfect ideal woman, made me promise I would only have kids with him -I said how does he think that affected my psyche? That he said he didn't find black women attractive. He lied about wanting to focus on himself -that he isn't in a state to be in a relationship -that he has too many problems, that his relationship ocd means he cannot be in a relationship. He did not have balls enough to have proper conversation about real reasons for split ---how the f did he think it would make me feel to find this out? He used to be so possessive and jealous over me -he would accuse me of looking at men when I wasn't- he is the one all along capable of all sorts of behavior

So I still feel trauma bonded to him -he can still get at me from beyond the grave --I've blocked his facebook account now -but Ive been begging my sister to put a comment on this new pic (like a crazy mofo!-she is very sensible thankfully and has been talking sense into me) This has to stop! It reminds me of how insane I felt most of the time at the end of the relationship and how totally "done" I felt

I refuse to carry whatever he is trying to dump on me

What hurts is that he must be able to control his behaviour enough to be attractive enough for someone to get involved with him? What if this relationship works -it will break my heart again ---I cannot let him destroy me like this

I'm hoping I will pick myself up -but I'm feeling like when we first split atm -after a big period of actually falling in love with myself again -do you think this is a blip -I don't want to go through life feeling a shell of a person -ashamed, sad, bitter --I think I'm being dramatic now but god what an awful day  :'( :'(  

[Herodias]

It's not about you - it's about him... .I would ask my friends and family to delete him from FB- that will show him they don't like what he is doing. He is not happier, he is just trying to feed his ego.

[cherryblossom]

Yes i will it was a chance for me to ask what was going on and feel a bit connected but this is the final straw - i had been on saving boards for a while. He just makes me sick.

[Lonely_Astro]

Sorry to hear you're going through this  

First, you didn't do anything to cause this.  He was broken long before you and he will be broken long after.  As hard as it is, you can't compare his new r/s to yours.  It's not that the next person has the crabby patty formula that makes them 'better'.  They are in the idealization phase and that's different lengths for different reasons.  But, there's one constant in this formula: it will fail, in time.  It always does.

Did he control his behavior in the beginning?  Sort of.  PwBPD don't have an endgame.  They don't set out to harm you.  Those with N traits sometimes do, but I'm speaking solely from a BPD standpoint.  You'll beat yourself up asking "was any of it real" and "did I ever matter" and so on.  The short, simple answer is: yes.  Yes, you were loved. Yes, you mattered.  Yes, it was real.  It all was right up until the moment that it wasn't.  And it happens that fast.  They love you with every fiber of their being right up until they don't.  And we can't do anything to change/stop that.

As Blue said, none of this was about you.  It was always about them.  You were the answer, their savior... ."the one". Then, you weren't because you weren't perfect... .the answer to all their problems (hint: no one is!).

What's important now is that you take care of the only person you're responsible for: you.  :)o you have a good support system?  Have you talked to your family/friends about your wishes to not hear about his life?  Have you sought professional help during this difficult time?  Breaking a trauma bond is difficult.  Trust me, I know.

Keep posting

[cherryblossom]

I was feeling ok but now i feel embarrassed, ashamed, low, - i was getting my sparkle back - i dont want to be out and about feeling like this i kust want to feel good about myself again

[cherryblossom]

Yes i do thanks  - this board has the best advice insight tho x

[cherryblossom]

I cant tolerate knowing that he feels that he is in love with this other female it hurts so much - he is meant to love me?

[cherryblossom]

Im living half with my sis half with my parents trying to save deposit for a property - we were going to do that together -i hate the xxxxxxx i dont care if  he's ill whatever he xxxxx destroyed my faith in ever having a decent relationship , i dont believe in love i cannot imagine having children now- ive got nothing to give he has taken away my hopes and dreams i hate the xxxx and if i saw him I'd want to beat the life out of him. Vile piece of work. Serial killers and paedophiles get sentanced for their crimes - they are sick so why dont these people? Free to destroy people's lives - refusing to get treatment it makesme sick - he has no soul and has tried to break mine  - surely a crime?

[cherryblossom]

I think he does have narcissistic traits, to begin i thought he was a humble self depricating guy but he shocked me one day saying he has the sort of face that belongs to a film star and would be in woman's magazines! Deadly serious! My mouth dropped to the floor! I said I thought you were into personality? He said that we wouldnt have been with each other if either of us were ugly! This is a man who had a list of 100 things he loved about me - including my ambition, sense of humor etc ... .I think I gave him narcissistic supply which fed his ego which led to his behavior becoming more outrageous. He had very strong sense of entitlement.

[cm3557]

How do you tolerate the other female? You should feel LUCKY!  Let her have him.  She will find out in time who he really is.  You are fortunate to know the truth.  I know it is painful, and I understand knowing how awful he is but still for some reason wanting him with everything in you.  His actions were ugly.  Stick to that. You deserve someone who can truly love you - be kind to yourself - let go of shame.  You did nothing.  It has NOTHING to do with you!  Think of how tormented you would be if you were still with him!  He treated you very poorly.  So when you think of him and this other woman, just be glad its not you! 

[cherryblossom]

Thanks, I just keep thinking he has chosen her because he probably wont feel as connected so will have some distance and it will work out. Actually I am feeling better today though and I don't want him rationally -I'm looking forward to my holiday end of May and focusing on myself again! I've blocked his Facebook account -I'm going to delete his number and get it blocked and I'll feel freer-I physically wont be able to engage in the trauma bond / play the game anymore. x