Here I am again

[Depression = 72% of members]

So here I am again. I am so depressed and worn out I can't get out of bed and feel sick to my stomach. I asked pwBPD to come visit. He told me he'd really try. I called him twice today to see if he'd make it. He didn't pick up the phone and didn't call me back (and things had been really nice lately). Intellectually i know he is in crisis and this probably doesn't have to do with me. Emotionally I am devastated. I feel that my life is continually on hold, waiting and waiting and waiting. Also My NPD mother is dying from cancer, and I have very complicated feelings

[Narkiss]

So here I am again. I am so depressed and worn out I can't get out of bed and feel sick to my stomach. I asked pwBPD to come visit. He told me he'd really try. I called him twice today to see if he'd make it. He didn't pick up the phone and didn't call me back (and things had been really nice lately). Intellectually i know he is in crisis and this probably doesn't have to do with me. Emotionally I am devastated. I feel that my life is continually on hold, waiting and waiting and waiting. Also My NPD mother is dying from cancer, and I have very complicated feelings

[HurtinNW]

I'm so sorry, narkiss   

This stuff is just plain rough sledding. Did he come before? What has been happening lately?

And sending more hugs about your mom. My mom passed in 2012. I still have very complicated feelings. We often grieve the loss of what could have been.

[sweet tooth]

(and things had been really nice lately). Intellectually i know he is in crisis and this probably doesn't have to do with me. Emotionally I am devastated. I feel that my life is continually on hold, waiting and waiting and waiting.

I feel you. I've been through it, too. It's hard to comprehend how disturbed these people are because on the surface they seem normal. I know exactly how you feel. My uBPDxgf discarded me out of the blue awhile back. Just as you said, intellectually I understand that she probably was (and still is) in some kind of emotional crisis, but emotionally (two months later) it's (still) devestating. And I also have issues with my mother.

I don't know what to say to help you feel better, but I hope it helps a little bit to know you aren't alone in feeling like you do or a freak or something like that.

[Narkiss]

Thank you for the support. I think that's what I need right now. I keep going back to bpdfamily because it's the only thing that gives me comfort and makes me feel like I'm not crazy. So, he did come. I got a call at 4 pm that he was in Chicago and will meet me at an event (auction preview). I was sick over this all day, and actually had given up and turned my phone. But I dragged myself out of bed, took a shower, put on a black dress and went. He had another thing here (that was why he probably came), and stayed downtown at a hotel, which was fine with me because I'm sick and exhausted and didn't feel like entertaining him. I'll pick him up in the morning and we'll go for breakfast and spend a few hours together.

Again, I must end this. And again I need help. Please.

He was on the train and in the city and still didn't pick up the phone. He probably couldn't decide whether he wanted to see me or not OR was too chicken to tell me that he had made plans to stay at a hotel. This is no kind of relationship. But as you all know it's so hard to break it off because when it's good, it's wonderful and after a year, we know each other's story's and genuinely do have a lot of things in common (not just mirroring, although that's part of it). But as I said, it's no relationship. I do not trust him. Poke it and everything falls apart.

[HurtinNW]

Narkiss, what part of this doesn't feel "done" to you? I ask that with support and with the intent to help.

I'm white-knuckling it because I refuse to put my kids through any more hell. Is there something you can decide is a reason to white-knuckle it?

I'm telling myself every day or week or month I make it, I am closer to the finish line. Pain always has an end. I have to believe that.

[Ahoy]

Thank you for the support. I think that's what I need right now. I keep going back to bpdfamily because it's the only thing that gives me comfort and makes me feel like I'm not crazy. So, he did come. I got a call at 4 pm that he was in Chicago and will meet me at an event (auction preview). I was sick over this all day, and actually had given up and turned my phone. But I dragged myself out of bed, took a shower, put on a black dress and went. He had another thing here (that was why he probably came), and stayed downtown at a hotel, which was fine with me because I'm sick and exhausted and didn't feel like entertaining him. I'll pick him up in the morning and we'll go for breakfast and spend a few hours together.

Again, I must end this. And again I need help. Please.

He was on the train and in the city and still didn't pick up the phone. He probably couldn't decide whether he wanted to see me or not OR was too chicken to tell me that he had made plans to stay at a hotel. This is no kind of relationship. But as you all know it's so hard to break it off because when it's good, it's wonderful and after a year, we know each other's story's and genuinely do have a lot of things in common (not just mirroring, although that's part of it). But as I said, it's no relationship. I do not trust him. Poke it and everything falls apart.

When I was a bit silly 3 weeks ago I did a FB stalk on my ex. Felt horrible, my therapist said "sometimes you do these things until you don't" like touching a hot stove.

I read a lot of desperation in your posts (no offence) you sound like eerily similar to an addict, which I would say most of us are/were with our relationships.

Like any addict, maybe you just have to hit (relationship) rock bottom, have that moment of "wow enough is enough, time to get my self respect back" and start to pick yourself up.

I lost my dignity somewhere in all this, it's been 6 weeks and I'm still looking to find it somewhere but I know I'm on the mend, albeit slowly.

I worry about you, if you do decide to rip the bandaid off remember you have a supportive community here, I'm sure you could find a sponsor too for extra support

[WoundedBibi]

So here I am again. I am so depressed and worn out I can't get out of bed and feel sick to my stomach. I asked pwBPD to come visit. He told me he'd really try. I called him twice today to see if he'd make it. He didn't pick up the phone and didn't call me back (and things had been really nice lately). Intellectually i know he is in crisis and this probably doesn't have to do with me. Emotionally I am devastated. I feel that my life is continually on hold, waiting and waiting and waiting. Also My NPD mother is dying from cancer, and I have very complicated feelings

Oh Narkiss... .I promised you I would kick your butt. I would remind you of the heartache. Of his wife. Of your pwBPD always promising to meet up but never following through. Only being there when he needed something from you. I would remind you of the constant anxiety and of losing yourself.

But I'm not sure kicking your butt is what you need right now. Please Narkiss, put down the bloody DingDong... Look what state it has brought you to...

You need to focus on you and getting out of this gaping whole of depression. Dealing with your mother dying (I've been there too) is enough already. He and his vague promises and your vague hopes it is just sucking so much lifeblood out of you that you need to stay afloat.

Let go. Let it be just you. Just deal with you and her now. The fact she is dying and how to deal with that and all of the old wounds that go with that.

Please put down the DingDong. He cannot give you what she failed to give you when you needed it.

[Narkiss]

Woundedbibi: I have missed you! Yes, I need a good butt kicking. Between my mother, work and the kids, I hardly have time to breathe. I will write more tonight. He finally admitted he is a really f$&"-up person. He told me he doesn't know who he is and will work on integrating himself. He said he is open to going to therapy. Whether here or near his wife is the question. I am beginning to thing that he loves her and may be doing this for her, not me.

[Herodias]

Just a thought... .could he have lied about being in Chicago? That's why he didn't show? Mine would do shocking things, like claim to be at the same concert as I was and text me asking me where I was... .alas, he couldn't find me. I believe he wasn't even there. You have to think these things sometimes. So sorry about your Mother... .xo

[Narkiss]

He was here, Herodias. I spent about 1 1/2 hours with him on Saturday night and most of the day on Sunday. In the past, he has come to Chicago without without telling me (at least twice). I'm honestly not sure if he told me he was in town because he wanted to see me or because he's finally heard me that I wanted to spend time with him or because he wanted me to drive him somewhere or because he wants to stay on my good side as an option in case a) he gets a job here or b) things don't work out with his wife. Probably some of everything. See, I've become skeptical -- and realistic.

Yes, Hurtin, I have to just white-knuckle it. I am settling for so little. I asked him a few weeks ago to just let me go if he doesn't want to be with me. I shouldn't ask him. I just need to let him go and close the door. So hard, though. I have wonderful friends and children, but deep down I worry there is something wrong and I cannot be loved (even by him).

[Herodias]

Personally I don't believe it being involved with married men no matter what they say the circumstance is. You don't know what she's dealing with. I don't believe that someone who lies and cheats on their spouse is someone worth being with let alone someone with a personality disorder. Respect yourself and move on... .It's the best thing for you and him. When and if he divorces her, when they are truly over and you want to revisit it, then do so. This is coming from the wife's point of view. My husband thinks all of these women are great- in the beginning. In that fantasy love stage. I would rather be with someone I could trust- or no one. How would you like to have a husband that is doing what he is doing with you? Put yourself in those shoes, since that's where you want to be. Be smart- think about it with your head, not your heart.

[Narkiss]

That (the married part) upsets me more than the BPD stuff. I am not innocent here. When we met, I was married also. I told my husband what was going on. He accepted it and told me I could do what I want. I moved to the couch and about a month later we separated. My pwBPD told me that he had been separated for five years (they live in different states) and that they need to take care of some financial issues and then they'd divorce. I do think they consider themselves separated and are planning on getting a divorce but they are enmeshed. I do not trust him. She does not know about me, which is unconscionable

[HurtinNW]

That (the married part) upsets me more than the BPD stuff. I am not innocent here. When we met, I was married also. I told my husband what was going on. He accepted it and told me I could do what I want. I moved to the couch and about a month later we separated. My pwBPD told me that he had been separated for five years (they live in different states) and that they need to take care of some financial issues and then they'd divorce. I do think they consider themselves separated and are planning on getting a divorce but they are enmeshed. I do not trust him. She does not know about me, which is unconscionable

Oh, Narkiss! I didn't realize that. Completely, utterly unconscionable. Really. Can we make a voo-doo doll of this guy, put it in a bottle, and throw him out to sea for you?

I imagine you feel the double-whammy of having left your marriage, if in part, because of this. Or feeling he manipulated you. Because he did.

 

[Narkiss]

Yes! He encouraged it. I was devastated that as soon as I left so did he. That was when he cancelled a visit and showed up at that dinner with another woman. I think in the moment he said what he felt and expressed hopes and dreams (mainly dreams). In retrospect, I honestly don't think he fully understood the consequences and responsibility of his words. Also, it made him feel good that I was choosing him over my husband. My husband is diagnosed OCPD and is a very rigid difficult person, whom I have accommodated too long (we had been good friends since college and married for not the best of reasons). I think I was looking for a way out, and so have my own responsibility in all of this.

So, my pwBPD is in town for work. He didn't suggest we meet (which is ok because we just saw each other last weekend), but he called me last night to check in and called me a couple hours ago to give me an update. I think he is trying. I wonder what is behind it, though.

[Herodias]

Interesting- my husbands gf left her husband for mine as well. Only thing is- she had an affair with him before we separated which due to another woman than her. I think her husband was out of town allot and she was alone. She claimed he was controlling. I think he was trying to put out fires around her as I did with mine. I think you are right about them feeling pretty good to catch your heart over your own husband. So sorry you are going through this, but be glad you are out of  both bad situations and now you can learn to love yourself and grow to make better choices ... .Sometimes people are put in our lives to learn and grow.

[Narkiss]

Herodias: Are you still married to him?

[Herodias]

Yes- divorce on June 17- I can't wait. It took me a long time to say that!  His gf is due to have a baby any minute. Awful! Now he's taking me to court to get out of obligations to me - 80 percent of what he told his lawyer is lies- he is still trying to play games with me... .I know he tried to get back with the woman I found in my bed on Xmas while this one was pregnant and I know he will continue to cheat. He tried to get me to take him back last nov. after I knew about the baby. He even asked me to be the baby's aunt in Jan.! He told me about the " future women" . Once you are out and know what they are, they don't mind telling you all the bizarre thoughts in their head- at least mine has.