Figuring things out.

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, something in another post really woke me up today. Helping me move more and more, out of the FOG.

It was about how we are "trained and conditioned" to focus solely on them. My exBPDgf, wouldn't even say good morning before she started with her problems and drama. We worked in the same building. So I would go down to her office and sit with her for about a half hour for breakfast. EVERYDAY, she would only talk about herself. If I told a story, she would somehow convert it into something about herself, but we would always spend the half hour talking about herself or her drama. Basically, training me to focus on her.

She would buy me VERY extravagant gift. Sure, I had ex girlfriends that would buy me great gifts, but now I realize these gifts were never about me, they were about her. Sinking the claws in deeper and deeper. To make me think wow, she's the "one" look at how she "reads my mind". MORE conditioning and training. The gifts were just to feed her off of happy emotions.

The sex. The way they almost read your mind. Doing things no other lover has done before. More training and conditioning. Telling you "it's the best sex in their life" Lol. I wonder how many suckers like me fell for that. But the sex almost always felt like it was about her. Even if it seemed focused on me, it was really, all about her. MORE conditioning. MORE training.

More to feed their emotional vampireness

Is this done by design? Or subconsciously? I'm torn. In my case it feels almost 50/50. Like she knew what she was doing in a lot of ways, but in other ways, she was completely oblivious. Almost like its instinct.

We're "built up" to be fed on. Then when they grow tired and bored of us, we're cut off of the supply. But it doesn't matter to them. Our anger still feeds them. Our hurt still feeds them. Any attention we give them, feeds them. Because we've been conditioned and trained for this. We're the junkies, and they are the drug dealers.

I was told my exBPDgf's ex-husband stalked her, heavily after their break up. Now I see why, when I went NC, she would constantly "pop up" at our place of work and then resorted to manipulation and games. I was weaning myself off of the supply myself with NC.

Lol. I have no idea where I'm going with this. Sort of just venting. Figuring things out. I feel like I really get why we feel the way we feel post break up now. Like I finally understand it. They get us addicted to them, and we react like addicts that can't get that next fix. It's why we ruminate. It's why we play it over and over in our heads. Getting over this feeling is like getting over a drug addiction. An addiction we were trained and conditioned to be hooked on. So they can control us for the rest of our lives. Like a drug dealer.

[Dhand77]

So, something in another post really woke me up today. Helping me move more and more, out of the FOG.

It was about how we are "trained and conditioned" to focus solely on them. My exBPDgf, wouldn't even say good morning before she started with her problems and drama. We worked in the same building. So I would go down to her office and sit with her for about a half hour for breakfast. EVERYDAY, she would only talk about herself. If I told a story, she would somehow convert it into something about herself, but we would always spend the half hour talking about herself or her drama. Basically, training me to focus on her.

She would buy me VERY extravagant gift. Sure, I had ex girlfriends that would buy me great gifts, but now I realize these gifts were never about me, they were about her. Sinking the claws in deeper and deeper. To make me think wow, she's the "one" look at how she "reads my mind". MORE conditioning and training. The gifts were just to feed her off of happy emotions.

The sex. The way they almost read your mind. Doing things no other lover has done before. More training and conditioning. Telling you "it's the best sex in their life" Lol. I wonder how many suckers like me fell for that. But the sex almost always felt like it was about her. Even if it seemed focused on me, it was really, all about her. MORE conditioning. MORE training.

More to feed their emotional vampireness

Is this done by design? Or subconsciously? I'm torn. In my case it feels almost 50/50. Like she knew what she was doing in a lot of ways, but in other ways, she was completely oblivious. Almost like its instinct.

We're "built up" to be fed on. Then when they grow tired and bored of us, we're cut off of the supply. But it doesn't matter to them. Our anger still feeds them. Our hurt still feeds them. Any attention we give them, feeds them. Because we've been conditioned and trained for this. We're the junkies, and they are the drug dealers.

I was told my exBPDgf's ex-husband stalked her, heavily after their break up. Now I see why, when I went NC, she would constantly "pop up" at our place of work and then resorted to manipulation and games. I was weaning myself off of the supply myself with NC.

Lol. I have no idea where I'm going with this. Sort of just venting. Figuring things out. I feel like I really get why we feel the way we feel post break up now. Like I finally understand it. They get us addicted to them, and we react like addicts that can't get that next fix. It's why we ruminate. It's why we play it over and over in our heads. Getting over this feeling is like getting over a drug addiction. An addiction we were trained and conditioned to be hooked on. So they can control us for the rest of our lives. Like a drug dealer.

[JerryRG]

Well said Dhand77

I agree with you totally

Keep posting, this really helps me and those of us who still are Foggy.

[Dhand77]

Well said Dhand77

I agree with you totally

Keep posting, this really helps me and those of us who still are Foggy.

It's the power over us THEY become addicted to. I'm confident, my self esteem is solid, I don't care for drama, I'm generally NOT miserable and I'm always looking forward to new things and experiences. But post break-up 3 months ago, my confidence was at rock bottom, self esteem shattered, I looked forward to nothing and I got sucked up into this drama of trying to pick fights with her in emails.

Then I watched Nightmare of Elm Street a week ago. I'd been 3 weeks full no contact at this point. At the end of the movie, how does Nancy finally defeat Freddy Kruger? By turning her back on him. She doesn't acknowledge Freddy and therefore Freddy loses his power.

Since she broke up with me, she had power over me, and I'm sure in her emotionally stunted brain, it must have felt amazing. Having this fairly confident guy begging, pleading, seeing me at work feeling sorry for myself, angry, feeding in to her. She's basically Freddy Kruger. If I don't care, she has no power. If she sees me smiling, she loses power. If I don't talk to her, she loses power. Even something as simple as only referring to her by her last name only, she loses power.

We ALL need to take our power back in some way or another. Through No Contact. Through bettering ourselves. Through doing things for ourselves. Go get that new hair style. Go buy those new clothes. Go DO that thing you always wanted to do. Get some of that power back.

Turn your back on Freddy Krueger.

[once removed]

hi Dhand77  

Is this done by design? Or subconsciously? I'm torn. In my case it feels almost 50/50. Like she knew what she was doing in a lot of ways, but in other ways, she was completely oblivious. Almost like its instinct.

the latter (instinct) is closer to the truth (or at least more in line with BPD as a disorder). done by design or subconsciously? perhaps a bit of both.

BPD is a serious mental illness that revolves around the core fear of abandonment, and avoiding it. she has spent a lifetime honing very complex, ingrained, defense mechanisms. is she aware of that? maybe on a very small level. does she see the bigger picture (ie "the error of her ways"? probably not. chances are, she did not set out to hurt you, or build you up just to hurt you (and that wouldnt really be in line with the disorder. people with BPD are generally impulsive.). she did build you up, and devalue you in her own distorted mind, though thats not your fault.

chances are as well, she meant everything that she said and did (the gifts, the "greatest ever sex" (i heard it too)) at the time. these feelings and expressions are not sustainable. thats not either partys fault.

you say you were trained and conditioned. there is a great deal of conditioning that goes on for us in the relationship, but its not a plot conceived of by our exes. depending on the nature of the relationship, its a line drawn then moved back, its a gut feeling or red flag ignored, its believing in "too good to be true"; or it could be the importance we place on sex, it could be the idealization, it could be the breakup/makeup or fight/make up cycle; or it could be that this was normal for us, and we lack the knowledge or skills when it comes to healthy relationships; or it could be a sense of fear and obligation and guilt (FOG); it could be a combination of any of these and more. its insidious, but what we were getting out of it is a question each of us can only answer for ourselves, and its a key that unlocks healing.

this might be a clue:

It was about how we are "trained and conditioned" to focus solely on them. My exBPDgf, wouldn't even say good morning before she started with her problems and drama. We worked in the same building. So I would go down to her office and sit with her for about a half hour for breakfast. EVERYDAY, she would only talk about herself. If I told a story, she would somehow convert it into something about herself, but we would always spend the half hour talking about herself or her drama. Basically, training me to focus on her.

i fell for my ex despite her unattractive qualities, so i say this with no judgment, but its difficult for me to understand how you got to that point. i know the type. its a big turn off to me, very selfish and self centered. so knowing that every day, she would only talk about herself, or turn the focus from you to her, why would you go down to her office and engage her for half an hour? what were you getting out of it? was it, perhaps, the interest that she showed in you? there is also a certain neglect for yourself and your  Boundaries  here. i have a friend that does it to me - its a pain in the butt, and i have to practice boundaries and be a bit selfish, and besides, im incapable of making much difference. so i give what im willing to give, as a friend. nothing more. people dont really have the power to train us or get us addicted without our participation.

Lol. I have no idea where I'm going with this. Sort of just venting. Figuring things out.

good  . its an awful lot to take in and it wont happen over night, but this is a great place to do it. you might keep some of these thoughts in your mind as you process. do you recognize any of them in your thinking? From The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns

ps. the thing about vampires is that they have to be invited in  

[Dhand77]

Thanks Once Removed.

I ignored EVERY single red flag that was presented to me. I chose to ignore them. Even when her own crazy Mom and Sisters told me to run. I stayed. Why? Not even gonna lie, it was the sex. It was crazy good right out of the gate.

Lol. I pretty much put myself in this mess. I was thinking with the little head instead of the big one.

But in retrospect, I know the exact moment I started becoming devalued now. It was the day I asked her ":)o you love drama?" It was 2 months after I asked that question, I was completely discarded. She only stayed to dump the Christmas gifts she bought. Otherwise, it would have been sooner.

[once removed]

the sexual aspects were a big hook for me too. it wasnt so much "the sex" but that it seemed to confirm the feeling that we were soulmates. sex is an important part of a healthy relationship, and chemistry. its hard to know When the Sex is Too Important. 

[Makersmarksman]

I don't fully agree with the whole sex thing in my 20 experience with my stbBPDexw,  while I can certainly agree she was a great lover, and sex for us was a consistent and great part of our relationship right up to the end,  I definitely noticed a pattern.  During recycles,  and in the idealization phase sex was obviously incredible,  she was open to new things and the frequency increased but I knew this was part of the big picture. I have been with other women before her where all of this was just more natural and part of the overall relationship,  not a beginning but part of the whole thing.  With my wife,  sex would return to a more mundane act,  almost always enjoyed but her really wild side was gone.  The only times outside of the recycling when it would return was when she would be having an affair,  that's actually how I found out about her last affair,  her serial appetite radically increased with me,  and I backed off and confronted her outright,  and after the initial lies finally got down to the truth months later.  My point being,  I got the same idealization sex from other women throughout the length of other relationships,  not just as a manipulative tool as my wife acted.  I have had better sex than with her,  and hope to again, can't wait!

[JerryRG]

I agree, my exgf controlled our sex life just like everything else, her way or no way. It became nothing more than a power struggle.

My exgf was not great in bed, I taught her so many things, sex to her was a just a function, a choir to manipulate me. She had very unhealthy beliefs about intimacy.

She was beautiful to me but now knowing beauty is only skin deep, what she was inside was not pretty at all.