all i want is him toxic bond - help

[cm3557]

he put me through hell, lied, cheated, was abusive... .yet all i want is him.  I want to call him, bump into him, get back together with him. im trying to stay strong. he told me he would always love me and always be there for me. (after i found out he was cheating and broke up with him). is it true? is it more manipulation?  im so disgusted by him but at the same time i love him so much and i want him to comfort me?  I think about it every second.  Its so painful.  why do i want him so much!  ive taken him back so many times.  he's weaseled his way back in so many times.  its bothering me that he isn't calling or showing up at my house or fighting for me this time.  every other break up when he'd done something heinous it was (literally) hundreds of texts and calls, showing up to my house and work, had his ex wife call me and beg me to go to him... .would NOT give up,... .and this time, nothing?  its driving me crazy. i feel like he is doing it on purpose and knows exactly what he is doing.  i have hard evidence of the cheating (texting only with random women that he would meet and exchange numbers with... .so he says)- he can't manipulate me to think differently this time around.  is that why?  so he's staying calm and "respecting my wishes" of no contact. I hate him.  He knows just how to make me feel unstable and broken and hurt and need him in this sick way.  will this ever pass?  im dying.

[Ahoy]

Start of the 7th week of separation for me today.

Last night? Had a good read of the forums, suitably angry yet detached, in a decent place.

This morning? Gut-punching pain, sadness, keep thinking of her in a pretty dress smiling her smile. Not expected today and this is not fair either!

This woman also put me through hell, I'm trying to think about the lies she told me to shake off this feeling, it's not working. I think it might just be another withdrawal stage my brain is putting me through, exactly like an addiction.

This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. We have to keep fighting and stay strong, for ourselves and for our future.


Before you started this relationship, would you have considered forgiving a cheater? I sure as hell wouldn't and mine cheated on my twice that I know of. Be proud of what you have accomplished, you gained your self-respect back!

Feel better mate.

[WoundedBibi]

Cm... I read your other post. It was like we dated the same guy (don't worry, we didn't) so I get where you are coming from. It's hard. But calm down. You're not dying. You're still breathing, your heart is still beating.

You ask "is it true?". Is what true? That he will love you forever? That he will always be there for you? No. He isn't there for you if he is cheating on you, now is he? Cheating on you for me means he does not love you. And what kind of comfort can the guy that cheats on you give you? Because you want to be comforted by a friend because your guy has cheated on you...

You want him so much because as you said, it is a toxic relationship. Breaking up with a pwBPD is like giving up drugs. You are having withdrawal symptoms. You know the drugs will kill you but you still want your fix.

Apart from the breaking away being really really hard (been there done that) the question is did you break away because you really wanted to, because you no longer wanted the roller coaster and the abuse, or did you break away because you wanted to teach him a lesson and hoped he would stop cheating and come running back?

If it is the first option: it is really really hard but you have to hang in there. It will get easier. And him contacting you would make things harder not easier.

If it is the second option: only break away if you are doing if for the right reasons. Time will tell if you were ready this time or not. For you I hope you are