What does the future look like after experiencing the trauma of dating a BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm new to a discussion board of any kind, but I feel like I really need help now. I have recently gotten out of a terrible relationship that lasted a little longer than a year. I didn't know until yesterday that the reason the relationship failed was because my partner is very likely to have BPD. I was amazed when I first met him and fell completely in love right away; I wanted to spend my life doing things for him and I couldn't think of anything that would  make me happier. I STILL have these thoughts, as I care for him an unhealthy amount. Throughout the relationship his mood would often change from extremely happy to filled with pure rage in a matter of minutes. I always thought it was something I had done, and still do feel this way despite what I have read saying that it wasn't my fault. I made a lot of wrong decisions in the relationship (I'm human), and he and I worked on my issues for a majority of the relationship. Now that we are broken up and I have read so many articles that perfectly described how I was feeling, I'm not sure what my actual issues are or how I will move on from this. Everything is so uncertain. I have developed devastating anxiety attacks from being under so much stress and suppressing my feelings so I would not make him angry. The worst part is that he is not aware that he has BPD, and doesn't understand why he feels the way he does! He matches so many of the symptoms and has the background with an emotionally abusive mother who I feel also has severe BPD. I want to help him, but I know it's not my place anymore. However, I have read that most people with BPD won't seek help until they are in a crisis, but I care what happens to him and I don't want to see that happen. Is there anything I can do? Furthermore, I know that I have to recover, but I'm scared that my experience dating this guy will have left with scars and triggers that may affect all future relationships. What negative side effects should I look out for and how should I fix them? I don't know the challenges I'm going to face.

[let-me-go]

I'm new to a discussion board of any kind, but I feel like I really need help now. I have recently gotten out of a terrible relationship that lasted a little longer than a year. I didn't know until yesterday that the reason the relationship failed was because my partner is very likely to have BPD. I was amazed when I first met him and fell completely in love right away; I wanted to spend my life doing things for him and I couldn't think of anything that would  make me happier. I STILL have these thoughts, as I care for him an unhealthy amount. Throughout the relationship his mood would often change from extremely happy to filled with pure rage in a matter of minutes. I always thought it was something I had done, and still do feel this way despite what I have read saying that it wasn't my fault. I made a lot of wrong decisions in the relationship (I'm human), and he and I worked on my issues for a majority of the relationship. Now that we are broken up and I have read so many articles that perfectly described how I was feeling, I'm not sure what my actual issues are or how I will move on from this. Everything is so uncertain. I have developed devastating anxiety attacks from being under so much stress and suppressing my feelings so I would not make him angry. The worst part is that he is not aware that he has BPD, and doesn't understand why he feels the way he does! He matches so many of the symptoms and has the background with an emotionally abusive mother who I feel also has severe BPD. I want to help him, but I know it's not my place anymore. However, I have read that most people with BPD won't seek help until they are in a crisis, but I care what happens to him and I don't want to see that happen. Is there anything I can do? Furthermore, I know that I have to recover, but I'm scared that my experience dating this guy will have left with scars and triggers that may affect all future relationships. What negative side effects should I look out for and how should I fix them? I don't know the challenges I'm going to face.

[cm3557]

First of all, I'm sorry that you went through this and that you are hurting. What you need to realize is that it was not your fault. It had nothing to do with you! You need to not worry about "helping" or "fixing" him and work on taking care of yourself. Trust me. I've been there- I tried and it didn't end well. I helped my exBPD get diagnosed and into therapy. Try your best to move forward- find a therapist that specializes in this for help to work through the trauma wounds and anxiety and build up your self worth and self respect. Sending love--

[JQ]

hello LMG,  

I see this is your first post, I'm sorry to hear that you had to find your way here, but know you're in very good company here. TAKE A DEEP BREATH!  You found a good place to explore your thoughts, ask questions and receive some good guidance.  We DON'T judge here, because we've been where you're at and we know what you're going through.  I would encourage you to start reading the references at the top and to the right of the page to begin your journey on the chaotic BPD & NON aka codependent r/s is

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I would also encourage you to seek out a really good therapist who is very knowledgable in BPD/NON r/s to help you sort through your feelings, thoughts, emotions, and frustrations.  Most of us agreed that this is actually one of the key's that will help you move forward on your journey.

Things are going to get better, but YOU have to take an active role in YOUR recovery!  You have already said you know you need to recover, this is a very huge step        Do not worry about what this relationship will do in references to future r/s.   Chances are you're like us, a codependent aka care giver aka NON and this is a learned behavior from earlier life experiences. Your a people pleasure, a perfectionist, a Sheriff with the shiny badge protecting others who can't protect themselves. All noble and honorable things to do. BUT you can't give more then 51% of yourself and chances are you were doing that with you BPD r/s,  you're not alone, because most of us did the same thing.  And we made it through the process of healing, it didn't happen over night but it'll happen.

On your journey you're going to stumble, but the group        we'll be right behind you holding out a hand to help you up. We'll dust you off, give you a hug        and send you on your way to continue your journey.  

So first things first, LETS get YOU taking care of YOU first!   You need to get rid of that stress & anxiety so plan on getting a walk in, a mile at first. It'll burn off some stress and get the good endorphins running in your body.    It'll only take about 15-20 minutes so do it the first thing in morning.  NEXT, stay away from the junk food, nothing good can or will come from it, not even your poo     Keep a sense of humor when dealing with BPD, it'll help reduce your stress and make you smile      Next call an old friend you haven't talked to in awhile to catch up. This will help you in more ways then you can imagine, you don't have to go into details about your exBPD, chances are they have no idea what you're talking about.  Make plans with that friend or others to go to a movie, to go out and get a bite to eat OUT OF THE HOUSE!   Go get a salad and a glass of water, or a glass of wine & italian or a really good beer & burger.  Next take a deep breath ... .enjoy the small things again. Enjoy the sun on your face, the breeze in the air, the birds singing songs of spring!   Next try to get some sleep, if you're having some trouble with that try some Melatonin that you can find in your vitamin isle at the grocery store. It's not a drug, but a natural hormone that your body produces to help you fall asleep. When you're having a little stress in your life your melatonin levels can drop and this will help. REM sleep is so important to your mental and physical health to help successfully manage the next day stresses and challenges.

Next come back here as often as you need to more importantly as often as you WANT to. We're here for you ... .you'll get through this ... .you got this and we got your back!      

J

[JQ]

Oh and try watching these a few times to help get your butt motivated when you need it ... .a buddy sent it to me and trust me ... .I watched more then a few times every morning.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

This is a good story to learn ... .another friend sent it to me ... .I give it to you ... .https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k

Welcome to the grind ... .someone from the group share this with me as her motivational tool in the morning!  Get some! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tzm6TEManmQ

[GreenEyedMonster]

Welcome to the board.  I'm sorry that you've been through all of this.

Unfortunately, there is very little or nothing you can do to help your ex-partner.  The kind of therapy it takes to treat BPD requires a great deal of engagement and motivation and isn't likely to be successful unless the individual pursues it him or herself.  I have compared pwBPD to the Black Knight from Monty Python -- every loss is "just a flesh wound" and not a reason to get help or do serious introspection.  The good news is that your ex is a survivor and has lots of coping mechanisms to handle loss.  The bad news is that he is probably not going to improve unless he finally feels that loss.

Life after dating a pwBPD can be hard, but it does get better.  Based on your situation, I'd suggest that you research the concept of "intermittent reinforcement" and how it effectively shapes behavior.  The sense of walking on eggshells that so many of us talk about is a form of intermittent reinforcement and it is a big part that we have addiction/withdrawal symptoms after the breakup.

My advice you to right now is to avoid big highs and lows in life.  This includes within dating.  Try to be balanced and measured in how you approach everything, and don't look for a whirlwind romance or to find "the one."  This will help your brain chemistry to return to a baseline and remember what "normal" feels like.  Get to know people slowly and don't idealize them or fall head over heels before you know them.  Not only will this help you recover, but it will protect you from being the victim of a similar individual.  Meetup or similar social media sites are a good way to meet people where you can get to know them over the long haul before having them really involved in your life.  Unfortunately, online dating tends to be a magnet for people with issues, so you might not want to go that route for now.

Hope that helps.

[heartandwhole]

Hi let-me-go  



I'm very sorry to hear about your breakup. I've been there and it hurts so much.   It's very normal to feel confused and anxious—these kinds of relationships are very "loaded" and can touch very deep wounds that also bring up past pain and/or trauma.

You've come to the right place for support. This site has amazing resources to help, and a member community that has been where you are. You are not alone! And know that things really do get better. There is hope for a much happier and healthier life going forward.

Are you still in contact with your ex, let-me-go? Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on at this time?

Like the other members have already mentioned, taking care of yourself is very important right now. Try to focus on what YOU need and let your ex be responsible for his life. If he has BPD or traits, he needs long term consistent therapy, and most of all the will to change. No one can do that for him. Are you getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising? They sound like simple actions, but they are really key in getting through the mess of this kind of breakup.

Here is a resource that I found immensely helpful after my breakup, if you haven't already checked it out: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck

Keep writing, let-me-go. It really helps to tell your story. We are all here to support you.  

heartandwhole

[drummerboy5]

I'm new to a discussion board of any kind, but I feel like I really need help now. I have recently gotten out of a terrible relationship that lasted a little longer than a year. I didn't know until yesterday that the reason the relationship failed was because my partner is very likely to have BPD. I was amazed when I first met him and fell completely in love right away; I wanted to spend my life doing things for him and I couldn't think of anything that would  make me happier. I STILL have these thoughts, as I care for him an unhealthy amount. Throughout the relationship his mood would often change from extremely happy to filled with pure rage in a matter of minutes. I always thought it was something I had done, and still do feel this way despite what I have read saying that it wasn't my fault. I made a lot of wrong decisions in the relationship (I'm human), and he and I worked on my issues for a majority of the relationship. Now that we are broken up and I have read so many articles that perfectly described how I was feeling, I'm not sure what my actual issues are or how I will move on from this. Everything is so uncertain. I have developed devastating anxiety attacks from being under so much stress and suppressing my feelings so I would not make him angry. The worst part is that he is not aware that he has BPD, and doesn't understand why he feels the way he does! He matches so many of the symptoms and has the background with an emotionally abusive mother who I feel also has severe BPD. I want to help him, but I know it's not my place anymore. However, I have read that most people with BPD won't seek help until they are in a crisis, but I care what happens to him and I don't want to see that happen. Is there anything I can do? Furthermore, I know that I have to recover, but I'm scared that my experience dating this guy will have left with scars and triggers that may affect all future relationships. What negative side effects should I look out for and how should I fix them? I dochallenges I'm going to face.

It's hard I know as I'm going through that same thought process. My exBPD is 7 months prego and doesn't want me around... It's hard :/ I've been working very hard with my therapist as I have always been a rescuer and dated women with bipolar or BPD/npd... I am a codependent man and I've got to fix myself in order  to break my cycle of my picking habits and to make sure I put my feelings somewhere in the loop as apossed to just my partners feelings.

Stay strong and seek therapy if you haven't already

[gotbushels]

Hi LMG

Welcome to the boards:) I'm looking forward to hearing more of your story.

Re: What does the future look like after experiencing the trauma of dating a BPD?

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