confused and hurt by exBPDgf

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi, I was wondering how I can get past these thoughts I have. I'm in therapy, but still battling thoughts of confusion and wondering if my exBPDgf loved me or thinks of me.

Our relationship started off really fast and she was perfect. She was talking about getting married yet at the same time going cold and distant days at a time. We had several break ups during our 6 months relationship. The last break up before the very end was a week long and she was on a date with another man the night before we got back together... A few weeks after our reunion she was pregnant. I bought a ring and proposed to her around dec 2015. She was very happy,but an hour later wanted nothing to do with me. The next day I called her being excited we were engage and asked if I was still coming over that night for our regular sat night movie night. She got upset and said sure and referred to me using her for sex, that was the last time we hung out together... I was very shocked with her behavior as I just proposed. Her behaviors didn't stop towards me so I broke up with her.

She tried to get back together a few weeks later but cut me off the next day. She has only allowed me at one doc appt to reveal the sex of the child. I have been giving the silent treatment on and off for the last 5 months which breaks my heart as I want to be involved in the pregnancy... I do want a DNA test as she was out with another man around the time of our reunion and her getting pregnant...

I'm having hard time with certain feelings because she's the one that pushed marriage and yet treated me poorly when I followed thru with the engagement. I feel like maybe I'm not the father of the child and that's why she's treating me bad... Waiting 9 months to find out is killing my heart :/ I had a hard time after we split as I felt I was going crazy. She has threatened to ruin my life and reputation and I don't understand how someone that wanted to marry you or love you says things like that. I have only seen her  twice and talked to her maybe 5 times since dec. i was a single father of a 5 yr old when I met her and being pregnant and shutting me out of the pregnancy is pulling on my heart string/ making me feel guilty I left her... I just couldn't handle all the harsh names and behaviors towards me I was receiving.

Any advice would be great. I'm in therapy which is helping to a degree,but I still have questions in my mind that need answers

[drummerboy5]

Hi, I was wondering how I can get past these thoughts I have. I'm in therapy, but still battling thoughts of confusion and wondering if my exBPDgf loved me or thinks of me.

Our relationship started off really fast and she was perfect. She was talking about getting married yet at the same time going cold and distant days at a time. We had several break ups during our 6 months relationship. The last break up before the very end was a week long and she was on a date with another man the night before we got back together... A few weeks after our reunion she was pregnant. I bought a ring and proposed to her around dec 2015. She was very happy,but an hour later wanted nothing to do with me. The next day I called her being excited we were engage and asked if I was still coming over that night for our regular sat night movie night. She got upset and said sure and referred to me using her for sex, that was the last time we hung out together... I was very shocked with her behavior as I just proposed. Her behaviors didn't stop towards me so I broke up with her.

She tried to get back together a few weeks later but cut me off the next day. She has only allowed me at one doc appt to reveal the sex of the child. I have been giving the silent treatment on and off for the last 5 months which breaks my heart as I want to be involved in the pregnancy... I do want a DNA test as she was out with another man around the time of our reunion and her getting pregnant...

I'm having hard time with certain feelings because she's the one that pushed marriage and yet treated me poorly when I followed thru with the engagement. I feel like maybe I'm not the father of the child and that's why she's treating me bad... Waiting 9 months to find out is killing my heart :/ I had a hard time after we split as I felt I was going crazy. She has threatened to ruin my life and reputation and I don't understand how someone that wanted to marry you or love you says things like that. I have only seen her  twice and talked to her maybe 5 times since dec. i was a single father of a 5 yr old when I met her and being pregnant and shutting me out of the pregnancy is pulling on my heart string/ making me feel guilty I left her... I just couldn't handle all the harsh names and behaviors towards me I was receiving.

Any advice would be great. I'm in therapy which is helping to a degree,but I still have questions in my mind that need answers

[Lonely_Astro]

Hey drummer,

First: take a breath.  I know it hurts badly.  But take a breath.

Now. Your first question: did she ever love you?  Yes. She did.  With EVERY fiber of her being.  You were the picture of perfection.  You were her savior (savior complex or not), her answer to all the loneliness, disappointment, and self pity she had felt before you. She loved you because she NEEDED you to love her.  And it was all "real"... .right up until it wasn't.  She was broke long before you, my friend.  You didn't cause this.  You can't fix this.

PwBPD experience r/s like a seesaw.  On one end is the fear of abandonment, the other fear of engulfment.  This is true for everyone. We (nons) stand in the middle and if the seesaw tilts, we step a little to balance it. A pwBPD begins running headlong from one end to the other. When they reach the end, they spin around without slowing down, and go the opposite way.  Eventually, the seesaw gets to going up and down at a rapid pace.  This is when they typically triangulate.  They place one foot on a 'new' seesaw.  This causes the 'old' (you) seesaw to slow.  So now it's balanced and they start going back and forth, straddling both seesaws.  Since BPDs can't trust their feelings, they never fully trust the old seesaw again.  After all, it was out of control once before, so it must be defective.  But guess what?  That new seesaw is nice, new, stable, and strong.  It's safe.  It's the answer.  So they'll jump to the new seesaw and start the whole process over again.  This is a never ending cycle for them.  The seesaws aren't damaged... .they are.  But they can't see it.

I understand that your hurting over not being in the child's life.  Have you sought legal counsel for that yet?  If not, you should.  

I hope I've help to clarify some of your questions.  Keep healing!

[drummerboy5]

Thanks for your response. The child is due in a few months... She recently got mad at me for reaching out to her gma that really liked me. My therapist told me to reach out to gma. I reached out through fb but my ex  intercepted  the message from her gma fb before gma read it she called me a scum and loser and blocked contact to her gmas fb. She also blocked all contact with her again

I have not seemed legal help yet but I will a month before baby comes to request DNA test and make sure I get visitation rights.

[Lonely_Astro]

I have not seemed legal help yet but I will a month before baby comes to request DNA test and make sure I get visitation rights.

That's a solid plan.

Sometimes, a r/s with a pwBPD can be salvaged, but it takes a HUGE amount of radical acceptance on your part.  Plus, you have to understand you'll always be a caretaker... .always.  Some people are willing to do that, others aren't.  There's no shame in either choice.  I had accepted my role as caretaker, but the r/s ruptured anyway.  I finally said I had had enough and I walked away.  I work with my ex (and my subsequent replacement).  Yay me, right?

Anyway, I totally get where you're coming from.  You have a pregnancy to deal with on top of a rupture.  Have you talked with your T about what you want to do (as in do you want to detach from the r/s or try to repair it?)?

[drummerboy5]

I go back and forth. My T supports any decision i make but she said I needed to go NC and lay low until after child is born. T also said no matter what I need to get a DNA test. My T specializes in BPD and non recovery. T told me to expect a reunion on exBPD part after child is born. The pregnancy happened right after a break up and reunion which makes me think it was planned on her part without my say so. That also bothers me, but I'll never know the truth.

I have some many thoughts about the pregnancy whether she cheated or entrapment that I'm confused. In my eye no matter what had been said or agreements,I don't see a woman not wanting a man around that wants to be involved in the pregnancy unless there is some kind of guilt about something. But that's my thinking

[Lonely_Astro]

I go back and forth. My T supports any decision i make but she said I needed to go NC and lay low until after child is born. T also said no matter what I need to get a DNA test. My T specializes in BPD and non recovery. T told me to expect a reunion on exBPD part after child is born. The pregnancy happened right after a break up and reunion which makes me think it was planned on her part without my say so. That bothers me, but I'll never know the truth.

I understand.  :)eciding is a tough, personal decision.  You sound like you have a good T.  You're lucky to have found one that specializes in BPD. If your ex is dysregulaged, anything and everything you say/do is falling on deaf ears anyway.  Taking a step back is always good for you.  And that's what nc is for: for you.  It helps you ground and get perspective while clearing out the FOG.

We're here to help you along your way.  You have some trials coming up, we're here.

[drummerboy5]

Thank you I appreciate the support. Talking to my T helps but talking to others that have lived what I'm going through makes things more relatable to me.

[WoundedBibi]

I go back and forth. My T supports any decision i make but she said I needed to go NC and lay low until after child is born. T also said no matter what I need to get a DNA test. My T specializes in BPD and non recovery. T told me to expect a reunion on exBPD part after child is born. The pregnancy happened right after a break up and reunion which makes me think it was planned on her part without my say so. That also bothers me, but I'll never know the truth.

I have some many thoughts about the pregnancy whether she cheated or entrapment that I'm confused. In my eye no matter what had been said or agreements,I don't see a woman not wanting a man around that wants to be involved in the pregnancy unless there is some kind of guilt about something. But that's my thinking

Your T is right about the DNA test.

If you don't get one done she can claim you are the father years later and say you never took responsibility, paid child support, etcetera. Plus of course you might actually not be the father...

If you do get one done and you are not the father she cannot claim anything from you. And if you are the father you can get visitation rights and so on.

It seems unlikely to me it was on purpose; it was one hell of a lucky shot if it was...

Getting pregnant by accident is easy, getting pregnant on purpose takes time.

[Lonely_Astro]

Thank you I appreciate the support. Talking to my T helps but talking to others that have lived what I'm going through makes things more relatable to me.

I understand.  I was the same way. My T has experience with BPDs as well. Her stance was to get away from my ex as quickly as possible.  She basically saw my ex as a lost cause and harmful to me.  She was basically right.  My ex isn't going to change and be who I want/needed her to be.  In that sense, she is a lost cause.

My ex was also harmful to me. She has N traits, so sometimes she hurt me on purpose as well.  So my T was right there, too.

Even though I knew my T was right, I still wanted to resist.  I never give up, I never surrender.  That's my folly.  That's what I learned from all this (among tons of other things).

[drummerboy5]

My exBPD has npd traits also. Everything was good until she stopped DBT and got off meds because of being prego. I mean we had spats and she called me names. We never fought in person only over text when apart... When I proposed which was a month 1/2 off meds is when things went down hills... Like I said I have different thing running through my head. The only reason I mentioned the possibility of getting pregnant on purpose was because she was pushing hard for marriage and buying a house... Good thing I didn't buy that house

[josephrl82]

I wish I had something profound and helpful to say man, but I am just as confused and distraught as you are!  I'm pretty sure that I am the father of mine though!  I can't imagine how hard it would be to have that question stacked on top of all of the other crap she's putting you through.

I have not been allowed at a dr appointment yet, but she's only had two so far.  I almost showed up to one uninvited because we were together when she made the appointment, but was afraid she would have her new boyfriend with her, or she would cause a scene telling me that I'm not welcome.

I'm just going to stay NC until I can get the dna test to know for sure, then work on what my legal options are.  I can't go back to her after she has been with another guy while pregnant with my child, but you may be in a different boat and want to rekindle the relationship.  In which case I am completely at a loss for any advise man!

[drummerboy5]

If my ex is dating another man she's keeping it hush hush from the world . But if I found I would never take her back. That's just disrespectful to any father of an unborn child... .I just have mixed emotions about the child sometimes but like you I'm pretty sure it's mine... .It's hard by the way she treats me tho as it make my think she could be guilty and the child isn't mine... Breaking up from an exBPD can cause your head to think all kinds of things