Control and confusion

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

Question:

What purpose does this serve?

My exBPDgf would deliberately put herself in harms way then taunt me by texting and telling me she was afraid.

Example: Going to a laundry mat all alone at 2 or 3am then tell me there were scary guys there, she could have done her clothes at home and spent 80% less money.

Going shopping at 2 or 3am then texting me that late and saying people were stalking her in the store, trying to steal her purse.

Going shopping at night then telling me someone broke into her car leaving a bottle of pills in her back seat.

Insane or deliberately pushing my buttons for attention and why, why, why do this to someone you love?

And if she does this with me can or will she stop?

[Ahoy]

Jerry, I have read enough of your posts that I know you know the reason for this man!.


Peace/Harmony = BPD anathema. The 'quiet' comfortable life of growing more and more in love with your significant other? BORING

They need action! drama! gossip! to be rescued! To be taken care of for imaginary hurts/pains!

In reflecting about my own time with my partner, I LOVED our weekends together in the bush, I knew when we moved back to the city, 'real life' would get in the way of our spare time. During the idealisation stage, I think she loved them too... .during the devaluation, I think she was stewing, she couldn't relax with me anymore, she had to do weekend trips to the local town (where she ended up flirting with her future affair partner).

Attention validates them, I bet it goes a long way to soothing their abandonment fears. From you, friends, that guy at the bar, that handsome guy at the gym... .anyone!


Personal question (because I have no life at the moment and I'm on here all the time) I've read a lot of your recent posts, How are you at the moment mate? I get the feeling it has been a long week/fortnight for you.

[Hadlee]

They need action! drama! gossip! to be rescued! To be taken care of for imaginary hurts/pains!

Yes that ^^^

Before I knew about BPD, and before devaluation started, I told mine that they thrived on drama and couldn't live a peaceful life.  The look on their face said it all

It's only been the past few months where I've realized just how much I was tested.  The testing was always so subtle that I didn't pick up on it at the time.  It's clear as day now.  And looking back... .I failed in A LOT of those tests

[JerryRG]

Hello Ahoy

Just worry about my son, then the guilt kicks in because I don't want to be with him having to deal with the exgf. She's butt hurt I dumped her and she's going to in her words "make my life a living hell"

Just got out of an AA meeting, I have my recovery to concentrate on, she's making her life hell and my son's but that's her illness

[JerryRG]

Thanks busygall

My exgf was drama on steroids, and I was tired of the illnesses and aches and pains, attention, validation, lies, manipulation, disrespect, chaos, selfishness, ... .

Blah blah blah

[Yaryar87]

For attention or as a dramatic way to feel loved or rescued.  Let's say she wanted to see you.  If she is in danger you have no choice but to go and rescue her.  Which is why they put themselves in that situation. And if you have rescued her then she knows you will do it again.  It's a classic game.  I.e. asking a guy you like to open a tight jar for you or asking a guy you like to help you move a box.  I guess they take it to the extreme.

[JerryRG]

Thanks Yaryar87

You are right, I guess for some reason I cannot accept her as this sick, she convinced me it was my fault or I allowed it?

For some reason I'm not able to just see her for who she is, I hope this changes. I feel helpless when I think of her and have no frame of reference and as soon as I grasp the depths of her illness it slips away into vague transparency. Strange phenomenon

So the issue of this rests upon me, my acceptance or non acceptance. Maybe I fear her because I feel I failed her, I failed to fix her, to rescue her from her torment, to convince others the horror of her ways with me, the fact I took her abuse and yet stayed involved with her.

A lot happend in 4 years, we share a child, she wants to live in a fantasy world that I don't belong in.

Thank you all for your kind words and for sharing your experience.

I watched my father kill himself slowly with alcohol then eventually crash his car killing himself and burned alive. I will never forget how he looked sitting in his car, black burnt skeleton. That day I knew my drinking had to stop. He killed himself, I was killing myself being with my exgf.

[Herodias]

I have to add here that putting themselves in harms way is also a self loathing thing. Mine hated himself and I almost felt like he had a death wish. He would tell me he would go downtown to bad neighborhoods and try and get into trouble. I know this is true because I went and picked him up and had to pay someone down there to help me locate him. He had thrown up on himself and was wondering around with his pants off! He gave some guy his phone to call me to find him! I gave the guy $20 and he asked for more! I said no and yelled at my husband to get in the car! I look back and think what the heck was I doing? I should have had the police pick him up! I know he went into bars and got himself beat up allot. It's a PTSD thing as well... .They say soldiers do this sometimes when they come back from war. Mine put himself and me in allot of dangerous situations- WOW Jerry, that's a horrifying story of your Father- I'm so sorry you witnessed that!

[Ahoy]

Mate you just summed up FOG. Confusing jumble it is, it will slowly drift away.

Do you imagine your partner as two separate people? the loving person then her evil twin sister?

My FOG is clearing, my ex is currently a Siamese twin, conjoined. In a few more months I will accept there was no twin, she was the same person. The brightest sun, the darkest shadow.

[JerryRG]

Hello Ahoy

I guess I am back in the fog, I just realized another fear, the fear that one day she will ask me to rescue her again and I won't say no.

Another is if it was all my fault, her pushing my buttons and my losing my temper and telling her to leave me alone.

I see my exgf as a dramatic child, she was always talking about suicide and how she hated life. Begging for the world to end, inviting disaster.

She was so cruel, hating everyone and calling everyone horrible names, she called her sister the c word. Jealous of everyone and nit picked everything I did. Cruel demeaning statements about my physical apperance. Just awful.

I see a hurt child, a horrible monster, a cruel witch, an empty shell

[Herodias]

Jerry... .you will say no. I did it... .you can too. Check out SHRINK4MEN.com  They will snap you out of it all,   They are tough... .sometimes I think a bit extreme, but they are making a point. There are allot of articles on the subject. You will get stronger and not want that all back in your life. They wait until you are feeling recovered and hope you have forgotten all they did! You can't do it. It just starts up again. Once someone abuses you and you let them back, they have no respect for you. You have to respect yourself... .

[Dhand77]

They need action! drama! gossip! to be rescued! To be taken care of for imaginary hurts/pains!

Yes that ^^^

Before I knew about BPD, and before devaluation started, I told mine that they thrived on drama and couldn't live a peaceful life.  The look on their face said it all

It's only been the past few months where I've realized just how much I was tested.  The testing was always so subtle that I didn't pick up on it at the time.  It's clear as day now.  And looking back... .I failed in A LOT of those tests

Holy Crap BusyGall i did the same thing! I'm remember her nostrils flaring and her face getting all twisted up!

That's when all the "secret tests" started. And yeah, I failed a helluva lot of em, because it didn't agree with her negative thinking. I always tried to put a positive spin on ___.