Looking 'dead in the eyes' and miserable with replacement

[Hopeful83]

Hey all,

Just a general question about something that I've been wondering about. Those who have seen photos of my ex and my replacement (I'm assuming, by this point, she's now his wife - they were engaged within weeks of us breaking up) have all said a variation of the same thing: that he looks 'dead in the eyes,' like he's on death row, crestfallen, miserable and like he'd rather be anywhere than there.

I *know* there's only so much you can take from a photo (although he looks the same across several photos taken at various times of the year), but I also do think that if different people are saying the same thing that they do have a point. They also know how he looked like with me, and say he looks like a different, miserable person.

I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar with their ex? I just find it ironic that considering he should be in the 'honeymoon' period with her he looks miserable - he only ever looked happy and relaxed with me.

It's just all extremely weird to me.

[JerryRG]

Hello Hopeful83

People say my exBPDgf looks terribly sad, I've seen some pictures and she looks like she's sad, her eyes look like she's been crying. I know she's not happy inspite of her trying to convince anyone.

I don't believe she will be content until she starts to focus on her issues rather than expect others to fill her emptiness.

[Herodias]

Yes... .I can see that. Mine had some odd looking photos with me though too... .a kind of narcissist stare I noticed in several of the photos I have. The only one I noticed looked good with mine with the next ex is the first few they posted. Most after that were like he was not happy. Of course all the pregnancy ones where he has gotten her to dress the way he wants and expose herself he seems happy, but I am assuming thats because he is getting her to do what he wants. They can be blank at times, so if your ex has allot of people noticing this in a picture, I am sure it's true. I heard they can hate the situations they get themselves into and feel stuck. Now these are the more narcissistic types I am talking about. Not sure if yours is like that or not. Mine is very much so. He would have a smirk on his face in pictures... like our wedding photo- like "I won"... ."I fooled her".

[Hopeful83]

Hello Hopeful83

People say my exBPDgf looks terribly sad, I've seen some pictures and she looks like she's sad, her eyes look like she's been crying. I know she's not happy inspite of her trying to convince anyone.

I don't believe she will be content until she starts to focus on her issues rather than expect others to fill her emptiness.

Hey JerryRG,

Thanks for replying - it always helps to hear about similar stories. No one I know has ever gone through a breakup like mine, so people are just baffled - especially seeing as he looks miserable with the replacement. You'd think - new relationship, you should be beaming, happy, unable to keep your feet on the ground. But, like you said, when people use others as 'patches' for their pain instead of sorting through their issues, they'll never find happiness.

How do you bring yourself to look at photos? I haven't since I was 'burnt' the one time I attempted to look at his instagram. It made me so angry that I vowed to myself I'd never check again - it's been eight months.

[SilentBPD]

That's interesting! I recently ran into my ex for the first time since he started giving me the silent treatment 6 weeks ago. I only know it's over because he's told friends but will not speak or say anything to me. He was out of town for work when all of this went down. He got back into town and it was my birthday last week so I was at the bar on a Thursday.

My friends told me they had gotten me a birthday table outside so I go on the deck and find my friend. To my horror he's sitting at the table with all of these girls I have never seen before except for one that I know is his friend. I look at my friend and say "sweet table"... .and then she realizes it's him. She's like wow I didn't even recognize him. He literally looked "dead in the eyes"... .like a zombie. He had no emotion/no facial expression, it was like staring at a stranger. My two other girlfriends said the same thing, they didn't even realize he was at the table.

I tried to go up to him when I saw him alone at the bar and said "can you talk to me", where he skidded away and said "I don't want to talk"... .then mumbled "happy birthday". Very strange and I will never forgot those "dead eyes".

[Hopeful83]

Yes... .I can see that. Mine had some odd looking photos with me though too... .a kind of narcissist stare I noticed in several of the photos I have. The only one I noticed looked good with mine with the next ex is the first few they posted. Most after that were like he was not happy. Of course all the pregnancy ones where he has gotten her to dress the way he wants and expose herself he seems happy, but I am assuming thats because he is getting her to do what he wants. They can be blank at times, so if your ex has allot of people noticing this in a picture, I am sure it's true. I heard they can hate the situations they get themselves into and feel stuck. Now these are the more narcissistic types I am talking about. Not sure if yours is like that or not. Mine is very much so. He would have a smirk on his face in pictures... like our wedding photo- like "I won"... ."I fooled her".

I recall reading about the pregnancy photos - that must have been so difficult for you to see. It's awful that they can be so intentionally hurtful - mine was posting photos of him and her within weeks of us splitting up. I unfortunately saw that one, and he looked borderline insane. He had the strangest smile on his face that didn't reach his eyes - very creepy.

Mine wasn't really narcissistic and I have looked through old photos of ours looking for this 'blank expression' people are talking about. I can't see it in any of them, so I really don't know.

Utterly baffling.

[Hopeful83]

That's interesting! I recently ran into my ex for the first time since he started giving me the silent treatment 6 weeks ago. I only know it's over because he's told friends but will not speak or say anything to me. He was out of town for work when all of this went down. He got back into town and it was my birthday last week so I was at the bar on a Thursday.

My friends told me they had gotten me a birthday table outside so I go on the deck and find my friend. To my horror he's sitting at the table with all of these girls I have never seen before except for one that I know is his friend. I look at my friend and say "sweet table"... .and then she realizes it's him. She's like wow I didn't even recognize him. He literally looked "dead in the eyes"... .like a zombie. He had no emotion/no facial expression, it was like staring at a stranger. My two other girlfriends said the same thing, they didn't even realize he was at the table.

I tried to go up to him when I saw him alone at the bar and said "can you talk to me", where he skidded away and said "I don't want to talk"... .then mumbled "happy birthday". Very strange and I will never forgot those "dead eyes".

Yeah - this 'dead eyes' thing is very new to me if I'm honest. I was reading about it and apparently a lot of people who have been through trauma can have it? I don't really understand it fully, but I paid attention because all these people were using the exact same expression - and these are people who knew him and knew what he looked like when he was with me.

As you said - very strange... .

[SilentBPD]

If I'm being honest as weird as the eyes looked, it almost made me happy seeing that he was miserable looking and not looking happy. From a selfish stand point. But then I went back to the bar that Sunday and saw him, he was acting like his usual fun, dancing around, self, so that hurt to see him being 'happy'. Probably because that is how he was when we dated, life of the party, etc.

I tried to talk to him again... .at this point I need to give it up... .it was the weirdest thing. So I walked up to him when he was standing with a mutual friend, tried to break the ice by making a comment we were wearing similar shirts, so I say "I know you don't want to talk to me, but I think it's funny we are both wearing cat t-shirts"... .at which he smirked, and then using no words, pointed to the deck. So I go, "do you want me to leave?"... .nothing... ."do you want to talk to me?"... .nods his head and keeps pointing, so I reiterate, "you want to talk to me outside?"... .and he nods again. So I said okay i'll see you outside. As soon as I walked outside I just had a feeling he wasn't coming, so I went back in and found him. I said hey I thought you wanted to talk, at which he got super flustered and yelled "I don't want to talk to you, just leave just leave"... .

Then why the heck did you point outside and agree to talk? so strange...

[JerryRG]

Hello Hopeful83

I snooped on her fb when she unblocked me, big mistake.

I have a photographic memory when it comes to visuals, I remember everything from the time I was 3. (Bad memories too)

She looked sad and different, she's an actor, a fake, not whole.

I won't make that mistake again.

[HarleypsychRN]

For me, No Contact is a much healthier way to get past these relationships. I choose not to look at her pics or pics of my (predicted) replacement. It has no value to me but to perpetuate the hurt and "what-could-have-been.

My life is better without her... .she had me walking on eggshells after one month together. I choose not to live my life this way.

"The calendar changes, they don't"- Unknown

[troisette]

Hi Hopeful83   

Did you ever notice your ex having blank or dead eyes when you were with him?

I ask because it can be a sign of dissociation. I noticed it in real time as well as photos.

[SummerStorm]

I think the "dead stare" is what they are really feeling.  Everything else is them either mirroring or just trying to cover up who they really are and how they really feel.  When my BPD friend is in pictures with someone else, she flashes the same, exact smile every time, almost like she's rehearsed how to appear happy.  That being said, the smile never really reaches her eyes.  When it's just her in the picture, she looks like a zombie, just staring into space.  I'm a teacher, so I am around hundreds of people every day and meet a hundred new people every year, and I've never seen anything like it before. 

She recently flew to another state for her grandmother's funeral and then spent a few days at the beach, and almost every picture she posted was of her on the sand, in her bikini, just flashing her cleavage for everyone to see, but with this completely blank stare on her face.  To me, it was almost like she was saying, "I know what everyone wants to see.  No one cares what my face looks like.  My only worth is sex."  It was actually really sad and not at all attractive, if that's what she was going for.  And when none of that got the reaction she wanted, she went and impulsively got two new piercings and posted a picture of them. 

We're coming up on the one-year anniversary of her last suicide attempt, as well as the one-year anniversary of a lot of other things, so I'm just bracing myself and waiting for mid-June to get here. 

[Hopeful83]

If I'm being honest as weird as the eyes looked, it almost made me happy seeing that he was miserable looking and not looking happy. From a selfish stand point.

I can understand why you'd feel this way. Although I try not to get caught up in how he's feeling (it ultimately doesn't matter - we're no longer together and he's clearly not a healthy person), I have to admit this 'dead in the eyes' thing intrigued me. Just amazes me he can be in this relationship - the one he was trying to portray to the world was 'the one' for him - and yet he looks like all his ships have sunk.

Like I said, utterly bizarre, and a clear indication of the fact that all is never what it seems... .

[Hopeful83]

Hello Hopeful83

I snooped on her fb when she unblocked me, big mistake.

I have a photographic memory when it comes to visuals, I remember everything from the time I was 3. (Bad memories too)

She looked sad and different, she's an actor, a fake, not whole.

I won't make that mistake again.

Hello JerryRG,

Yeah, I find it serves no purpose but to cause more pain. That's why I refuse to, although I don't mind my friends looking from time to time, as at least I don't have to really 'see' what they're seeing.

[Hopeful83]

Hi Hopeful83   

Did you ever notice your ex having blank or dead eyes when you were with him?

I ask because it can be a sign of dissociation. I noticed it in real time as well as photos.

Hey Troisette 

No, I didn't, that's why I was surprised by this description of him. I even went through all the photos of him and I to look for this 'blank' dead in the eyes expression - I couldn't see it.

I guess it wouldn't shock me if the trauma of the breakup etc was big for him - when it all happened I was too blinded by the pain to see the whole thing for what it truly is. You don't go from 'you're the love of my life' to 'I'm engaged to someone else' within weeks without some serious weirdness going on in your head and behind the scenes.

I find it fascinating how our faces always give us way - especially our eyes.

[Hopeful83]

I think the "dead stare" is what they are really feeling.  Everything else is them either mirroring or just trying to cover up who they really are and how they really feel.  When my BPD friend is in pictures with someone else, she flashes the same, exact smile every time, almost like she's rehearsed how to appear happy.  That being said, the smile never really reaches her eyes.  When it's just her in the picture, she looks like a zombie, just staring into space.  I'm a teacher, so I am around hundreds of people every day and meet a hundred new people every year, and I've never seen anything like it before. 

She recently flew to another state for her grandmother's funeral and then spent a few days at the beach, and almost every picture she posted was of her on the sand, in her bikini, just flashing her cleavage for everyone to see, but with this completely blank stare on her face.  To me, it was almost like she was saying, "I know what everyone wants to see.  No one cares what my face looks like.  My only worth is sex."  It was actually really sad and not at all attractive, if that's what she was going for.  And when none of that got the reaction she wanted, she went and impulsively got two new piercings and posted a picture of them. 

We're coming up on the one-year anniversary of her last suicide attempt, as well as the one-year anniversary of a lot of other things, so I'm just bracing myself and waiting for mid-June to get here. 

Wow re the bikini thing - this is how I felt about his first photo with her. He's trying SO hard to look happy with her and he ended up looking utterly odd and manic. It was the creepiest smile I've ever seen on a person, and he looked like someone entirely different. In his case it was "I need to look happy with this person at all costs" And ironically he looked everything but happy.

[SummerStorm]

I think the "dead stare" is what they are really feeling.  Everything else is them either mirroring or just trying to cover up who they really are and how they really feel.  When my BPD friend is in pictures with someone else, she flashes the same, exact smile every time, almost like she's rehearsed how to appear happy.  That being said, the smile never really reaches her eyes.  When it's just her in the picture, she looks like a zombie, just staring into space.  I'm a teacher, so I am around hundreds of people every day and meet a hundred new people every year, and I've never seen anything like it before. 

She recently flew to another state for her grandmother's funeral and then spent a few days at the beach, and almost every picture she posted was of her on the sand, in her bikini, just flashing her cleavage for everyone to see, but with this completely blank stare on her face.  To me, it was almost like she was saying, "I know what everyone wants to see.  No one cares what my face looks like.  My only worth is sex."  It was actually really sad and not at all attractive, if that's what she was going for.  And when none of that got the reaction she wanted, she went and impulsively got two new piercings and posted a picture of them. 

We're coming up on the one-year anniversary of her last suicide attempt, as well as the one-year anniversary of a lot of other things, so I'm just bracing myself and waiting for mid-June to get here. 

Wow re the bikini thing - this is how I felt about his first photo with her. He's trying SO hard to look happy with her and he ended up looking utterly odd and manic. It was the creepiest smile I've ever seen on a person, and he looked like someone entirely different. In his case it was "I need to look happy with this person at all costs" And ironically he looked everything but happy.

She is dating a guy, but he seems to be taking it really slowly, and I think she's about to bail.  It's been almost two months, and her status still says "single."  Right after she met him, she posted all kinds of things about him and documented every date on Snapchat.  The last time I saw him was over two weeks ago, and she seemed more interested in taking pictures of the food they were eating.  Last weekend, she also removed a picture from Instagram of the two of them together, in which she was kissing his forehead.  She and her mom don't usually get along, and I think she was putting on a front for people and showing them how "happy" she was to be with her mom.  I don't know.  That whole trip was weird.  The first night she got there, I got a Snap from her, of her standing in front of the mirror wearing her bikini.  Then, on the night she flew home, she met some guy at the airport and took a picture with him, and now they're FB friends.  He lives several states away, so nothing will ever come of it, but I found that to be really weird. 

[5tarla]

I've noticed this as well and also her eyes look puffy, like she's been crying. It's sort of depressing. But I actually know my ex is depressed, miserable, AND single, so there's that.