I was holding on to a dream of a family. Her family . Will try to let go now.

[Fogclearing]

Five weeks since she left us and my feelings have been like a rollercoaster - relief, numbness, grief, anger, even joy at times, denial, frustration, self pity, realism and a lot of sentimental thoughts and feelings.

I realized something yesterday. I took the commuter train home from a meeting with a client yesterday (can't afford to go by car right now because of the financial situation she left us in) and that gave me some time to just sit down and reflect. In my laptop I found photos of me and her and my children on vacation in her country of origin two years ago. Pics of the kids being very happy and cheerful playing with her in the much warmer climate of her country. And especially pics of her family together with us. An in many ways warm and wonderful extended family that meant so much to me and my children (my spouse who I had the children with died tragically a year before I met pwBPD )

At first tears came and I put my sunglasses on to conceal it while still browsing through the photos. Then I realized something. I am crying over a dream of a family with an extended family for me and my kids maybe more than I am crying over the loss of a relationship. Her family actually was one of the factors that made me put up with a lot of crap from her instead of ending it. It was a dream of something I wanted to give to my children after the grief they experienced after the accident that took my wife's life. ExBPD mirrored my dream and I took the bait willingly. I thought this was going to be a great new start for all of us. In total it wasn't even if there of course were good moments and memories. The contact with the extended (her) family makes it difficult for me to go totally NC with exBPD partner. I think about my children and how they loved their extra grandparents and uncles and aunties. It is heartbreaking. The extended family loves me and the kids and asks me to stay in touch, at least to make friends with exBPD and even to come visit. I want to be in touch with them. I would prefer to go NC with exBPD. I would love to visit exBPD's family in their country but I don't want to visit her. I have a feeling I will have a replacement soon anyway and then she won't like us to visit her family anyway. Her family is devastated. They connected with me. When she came back she told them stories about me being physically abusive to her which isn't true. At first they didn't know what to think but I asked them if she had said this before about previous partners when she had returned back home to the family again after break ups. They said : yes she did about every single one. That's why they always took care of her and catered for her fixing a place to live and stuff like that whenever she returned home. So they have realised now that I didn't abuse her and they are devastated because they don't want to lose me and the kids either since it gave them joy and hope about a more "normal" family connection with their daughter.

Alas I don't think it is possible to go there and maybe not even to keep in touch with them. I do think NC with exBPD will be the healthiest thing for me and then I can't be in touch with her family either. I must explain that to the kids somehow. A sorrow for all of us - me, my children AND exBPD's family. This hurts all of us. But we must disconnect.

Do you have any experience with letting go of your ex partner's family in this sad way?

[WoundedBibi]

Maybe the replacement will live in another country too. Exit ex to Whereeverland and you are free to visit her family in her country of origin when she is away. Problem solved.

I do understand your longing for this. I would love a large extended family all dining together outside, loads of food on the table, children running around... La dolce vita 

[Fogclearing]

Maybe the replacement will live in another country too. Exit ex to Whereeverland and you are free to visit her family in her country of origin when she is away. Problem solved.

I do understand your longing for this. I would love a large extended family all dining together outside, loads of food on the table, children running around... La dolce vita 

Haha! That would be the best scenario for everyone! 

That would mean vacation for her ageing parents again like they actually said it felt like when she moved here. Let's hope there are dating sites at Easter Islands or Pitcairn! 

[Fogclearing]

I do understand your longing for this. I would love a large extended family all dining together outside, loads of food on the table, children running around... La dolce vita  

This is EXACTLY what we had over there ... . Sigh... . Mangia style. Cannolis and all... .Oh well, at least we experienced it.

[WoundedBibi]

Maybe the replacement will live in another country too. Exit ex to Whereeverland and you are free to visit her family in her country of origin when she is away. Problem solved.

I do understand your longing for this. I would love a large extended family all dining together outside, loads of food on the table, children running around... La dolce vita 

Haha! That would be the best scenario for everyone! 

That would mean vacation for her ageing parents again like they actually said it felt like when she moved here. Let's hope there are dating sites at Easter Islands or Pitcairn! 

Pitcairn would be the ultimate solution! No offence for any members here that are based at Pitcairn...

Also Pitcairn would be too small to send all the pwBPD to. Just a handful would fit.

Australia however... It has been done before  

We take all the NONs out first of course...

[Fogclearing]

Maybe the replacement will live in another country too. Exit ex to Whereeverland and you are free to visit her family in her country of origin when she is away. Problem solved.

I do understand your longing for this. I would love a large extended family all dining together outside, loads of food on the table, children running around... La dolce vita  

She already did Australia in a previous round in the late ninetees. Doubt they will let her back in. It ended in havoc.  

Haha! That would be the best scenario for everyone!  

That would mean vacation for her ageing parents again like they actually said it felt like when she moved here. Let's hope there are dating sites at Easter Islands or Pitcairn!  

Pitcairn would be the ultimate solution! No offence for any members here that are based at Pitcairn...

Also Pitcairn would be too small to send all the pwBPD to. Just a handful would fit.

Australia however... It has been done before  

We take all the NONs out first of course...

She already did Australia in a previous round in the 90's. Ended in havoc. Doubt they will let her in again

[WoundedBibi]

Yes, let's take all the NONs out of Australia and send all the pwBPD to Australia. So they can fff up together. Can you imagine the mess it would be... .

No... .no need for angry posts that we want to deport the mentally ill or asking us what to do with the undiagnosed... .we're just goofing around...

[WoundedBibi]

Perhaps we should start with Pitcairn. Australia is big. Always good to start small. And it might be a waste of quiet a nice country. Pitcairn is cold and you know what they say about the people...

[Fogclearing]

Yes, let's take all the NONs out of Australia and send all the pwBPD to Australia. So they can fff up together. Can you imagine the mess it would be... .

No... .no need for angry posts that we want to deport the mentally ill or asking us what to do with the undiagnosed... .we're just goofing around...

Goofing around is healing! (note that my ex already did Australia in a previous relationship LOL)

[WoundedBibi]

Well... I wasn't really thinking about asking permission from the Australian authorities if I would take over Australia... They are people too. So either they are NONs and they can live outside BPDland or they are pwBPD and they stay.

But as I said projects are best started small. We can always expand from Pitcairn to Australia if it's a success. This requires some thinking... .when is the Pitcairn Project a succes? This needs a Project plan, a control group, a project manager, let's see...

[Fogclearing]

Well... I wasn't really thinking about asking permission from the Australian authorities if I would take over Australia... They are people too. So either they are NONs and they can live outside BPDland or they are pwBPD and they stay.

But as I said projects are best started small. We can always expand from Pitcairn to Australia if it's a success. This requires some thinking... .when is the Pitcairn Project a succes? This needs a Project plan, a control group, a project manager, let's see...

I'm too fond of Ahoy and the other mates here that helps me so much. Let's head for some unpopulated place!

[Ahoy]

Well... I wasn't really thinking about asking permission from the Australian authorities if I would take over Australia... They are people too. So either they are NONs and they can live outside BPDland or they are pwBPD and they stay.

But as I said projects are best started small. We can always expand from Pitcairn to Australia if it's a success. This requires some thinking... .when is the Pitcairn Project a succes? This needs a Project plan, a control group, a project manager, let's see...

I'm too fond of Ahoy and the other mates here that helps me so much. Let's head for some unpopulated place!

Cheers!

And wounded, BPDland sounds like the name of a theme park from hell!

They promise the scariest and fastest rides on TV, the best food, maximum entertainment... .when you get there it's just a tacky haunted house and dodged carnival games.

Been to BPDland 0/10 would not recommend!

[WoundedBibi]

Well... I wasn't really thinking about asking permission from the Australian authorities if I would take over Australia... They are people too. So either they are NONs and they can live outside BPDland or they are pwBPD and they stay.

But as I said projects are best started small. We can always expand from Pitcairn to Australia if it's a success. This requires some thinking... .when is the Pitcairn Project a succes? This needs a Project plan, a control group, a project manager, let's see...

I'm too fond of Ahoy and the other mates here that helps me so much. Let's head for some unpopulated place!

Cheers!

And wounded, BPDland sounds like the name of a theme park from hell!

They promise the scariest and fastest rides on TV, the best food, maximum entertainment... .when you get there it's just a tacky haunted house and dodged carnival games.

Been to BPDland 0/10 would not recommend!

I knew you would respond 

Well... they do have the scariest clowns... .

So, Pitcairn it is.