Control and post break up actions.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I'm just kind of wondering this morning. It's all about control for the BPD. So when we finally get discarded or break up on our own, it seems that a reoccurring theme is "punishing us for not being perfect". Wether it's bragging how "great" their rebound is, smearing us, using your children against you. Lord knows what else.

I'm wondering, is this a way for them to control us? To keep our confidence low? To make sure our self esteem is in a lower state? To keep us on the string for their wants? To keep us feeding into their drama? To basically embed themselves into our heads. The way my ex has acted, you'd think I was the one who cheated and broke up with her. Judging by everyone's stories. Your pwBPD's all act the same way.

Is this a premeditated act or a subconscious thing? After talking with my exBPDgf's Aunt about her, I feel it's more premeditated. I'm just wondering, anyone have any thoughts?

[Dhand77]

I'm just kind of wondering this morning. It's all about control for the BPD. So when we finally get discarded or break up on our own, it seems that a reoccurring theme is "punishing us for not being perfect". Wether it's bragging how "great" their rebound is, smearing us, using your children against you. Lord knows what else.

I'm wondering, is this a way for them to control us? To keep our confidence low? To make sure our self esteem is in a lower state? To keep us on the string for their wants? To keep us feeding into their drama? To basically embed themselves into our heads. The way my ex has acted, you'd think I was the one who cheated and broke up with her. Judging by everyone's stories. Your pwBPD's all act the same way.

Is this a premeditated act or a subconscious thing? After talking with my exBPDgf's Aunt about her, I feel it's more premeditated. I'm just wondering, anyone have any thoughts?

[motleymoo]

I had exactly the same experience... .comparisons to how some guy she'd met did this or didn't do that (unlike me)... more justification/reinforcement for her decision to leave I think. Ditto, the bragging about how amazing the new relationship was. But, she said as much about me in the past. The extreme emotive language (amazing, magical, awful, terrible) is nothing new.

I don't believe that any of these acts were ever malicious or intended to hurt. She even told me that she felt that she felt it was important that I knew about the ways I had 'wronged' her, and that she was doing me a favour by telling me so that I could improve. That what she was doing was quite hurtful didn't seem to enter into the equation. That said, it was my, and it's your choice to sit there and listen. Eventually I got tired of listening to it.

[Dhand77]

I had exactly the same experience... .comparisons to how some guy she'd met did this or didn't do that (unlike me)... more justification/reinforcement for her decision to leave I think. Ditto, the bragging about how amazing the new relationship was. But, she said as much about me in the past. The extreme emotive language (amazing, magical, awful, terrible) is nothing new.

I don't believe that any of these acts were ever malicious or intended to hurt. She even told me that she felt that she felt it was important that I knew about the ways I had 'wronged' her, and that she was doing me a favour by telling me so that I could improve. That what she was doing was quite hurtful didn't seem to enter into the equation. That said, it was my, and it's your choice to sit there and listen. Eventually I got tired of listening to it.

After speaking with her Aunt, I learned she cheated in EVERY relationship she was in, including her marriage and that her actions now are exactly the same as every other time she's done this to a guy.

I mean, she has to be acutely aware of this on some level, right?

[Ahoy]

I had exactly the same experience... .comparisons to how some guy she'd met did this or didn't do that (unlike me)... more justification/reinforcement for her decision to leave I think. Ditto, the bragging about how amazing the new relationship was. But, she said as much about me in the past. The extreme emotive language (amazing, magical, awful, terrible) is nothing new.

I don't believe that any of these acts were ever malicious or intended to hurt. She even told me that she felt that she felt it was important that I knew about the ways I had 'wronged' her, and that she was doing me a favour by telling me so that I could improve. That what she was doing was quite hurtful didn't seem to enter into the equation. That said, it was my, and it's your choice to sit there and listen. Eventually I got tired of listening to it.

After speaking with her Aunt, I learned she cheated in EVERY relationship she was in, including her marriage and that her actions now are exactly the same as every other time she's done this to a guy.

I mean, she has to be acutely aware of this on some level, right?

Aware? Been on this board waaaaay to much. Read all manner of posts, 100s of hours spent learning.

My answer? Who knows! Probably, or possibly not if she has distorted her reality to overcome immense feelings of shame.

In the end we are trying to make sense of the nonsensical.

[JerryRG]

Hello Dhand77

Thank you for your post, my exgf is smearing me this way too, even going so far as to say I raped her the very evening I called for help to save her life. She made it clear to one of my relatives she's out to hurt me and she has custody of our son.

Not sure it is typical but in my case my BPDgf is hating on me and in person sweet as ever and asking for peace.

In my case she's making conscience choices to harm me like posting how her new bf is helping her raise our child.

Very sick behaviour but seen in the light of her being a wounded child it isn't anything more than tantrums over the fact I kicked her out of my life. Sometimes I'm flattered she is angry, you cannot hate someone without caring for them.

The true opposite of love is indifference, not hate or revenge.

[drummerboy5]

My pregnant exBPD always says I failed because I left after she treated me like crap after proposing. Before it was time for the first baby doc appt I recived text and emails threatening to ruin my life and reputation if I didn't pay her co pays. I told her I wanted nothing to do with because of the threats made. About a month after she was being nice and allowed me at one doc appt. she apologized in person for her behaviors and was nice for 24 hrs after the appt. 2 days after appt she said she wanted the child to have her name as mine wasn't good enough.

I believe they punish us because we can't or don't live up to their  expectations so they will be mean or say anything they can to make you feel guilty or put blame on the other party... I also had to tell her to stop the treats or the police would be involved which I think upset her because she doesn't think she did anything wrong... I don't know tho as I'm confused about it all

And yes I think you are right, they want to control us and our emotions.

[Dhand77]

I'm just curious, and I'm honestly trying to stay a few steps ahead of her at this point. We work in the same building. For the last month "I went underground". Switched lunch hours and changed my routines to avoid her. Then I realized, this is actually feeding her. And in some weird way, almost justifies her mindset, that I was the problem.

Yesterday I went back to my normal routine, and we HAD to walk by each other at a green light. I know I exhibited confidence again. So, today I'm thinking her defense mechanism kicks in and at lunch, she'll parade around with another guy to "punish me" for ignoring her and having confidence to walk by her. It's so juvenile. Only, I'm fully expecting it to happen, so it's not going to be much of a punishment as much as it's going to be hilarious if I'm right.

[JerryRG]

PwBPD are extremely immature Dhand77

My exgf deleted her sister on fb because my exgf couldn't accept her sister telling her she didn't look like her baby. Drama drama

If I were of her mindset I would have turned things on her drama but I wasn't in to high school anymore.

[Suspicious1]

Whenever my ex split me black, he always made a point to tell me how fabulous his life was now I wasn't in it. He'd even write bad poetry about how I'd nearly destroyed him and he'd escaped. Then he'd try to make it look like he was dating other people.

I don't think it was to do with control. It was unbearably cruel as I hadn't wanted the relationship to end so REALLY didn't need my nose rubbing in it, I just think he was a very cruel person. Added to that he was VERY concerned with what he'd call "keeping face". He hated anyone to think he could be dumped by anyone, and in his past relationships if he thought someone was about to leave him, he'd leave them first so he would never be rejected. He was also obsessed with whether someone was in our out of his "league", a concept I despise. He had low self-esteem and clearly thought the attractiveness of his partner gave him some added worth. It was therefore important to him to get across how much better he was than his ex, and how much better his new partner was.

All that came in the form of smear campaigns, and a desperate need for people to see how well he was doing. In his mind that meant having a decent house, travelling to interesting places, and a glamorous girlfriend. He never had a kind thing to say about any of his exes, so I know I'll have been smeared too.

It worked the other way too. He couldn't bear for me to say anything kind about my exes, and felt it was a personal slight on him if I didn't slag them off.

So I always felt it was more about posturing than control, but really it was all his way of controlling an ending he felt he didn't have any control over, or something.

[Anez]

I work with mine, too. After the split in Sept. i would send her texts from time to time trying to see if I could get her back. we'd say hello in the office but not talk all that much. I, too, tried to avoid her but she made that very hard because she would eat lunch in the lounge near where I sit. i could hear her talking and laughing and that drove me nuts. Made me feel trapped at my desk.

Now I'm at the point where we haven't said anything besides a quick "what's up" as i walked past her in the hall like 3 weeks ago. Besides that we haven't spoken a word to each other in quite some time. I need to treat her like someone who is dead to me. It's weird to see her in the office because she is like a ghost from my past. And she wears her mask so well at work.

I just saw her a little bit ago and neither of us said anything. that's the reality now and I'm becoming OK with that. For me I'm better off just not even acknowledging her presence while conducting myself in the office as a I normally would - talking with friends at their desks, talking with people in the kitchen as I get coffee, etc. Life must go on and I must live it the way I want to.

[Dhand77]

Whenever my ex split me black, he always made a point to tell me how fabulous his life was now I wasn't in it. He'd even write bad poetry about how I'd nearly destroyed him and he'd escaped. Then he'd try to make it look like he was dating other people.

I don't think it was to do with control. It was unbearably cruel as I hadn't wanted the relationship to end so REALLY didn't need my nose rubbing in it, I just think he was a very cruel person. Added to that he was VERY concerned with what he'd call "keeping face". He hated anyone to think he could be dumped by anyone, and in his past relationships if he thought someone was about to leave him, he'd leave them first so he would never be rejected. He was also obsessed with whether someone was in our out of his "league", a concept I despise. He had low self-esteem and clearly thought the attractiveness of his partner gave him some added worth. It was therefore important to him to get across how much better he was than his ex, and how much better his new partner was.

All that came in the form of smear campaigns, and a desperate need for people to see how well he was doing. In his mind that meant having a decent house, travelling to interesting places, and a glamorous girlfriend. He never had a kind thing to say about any of his exes, so I know I'll have been smeared too.

It worked the other way too. He couldn't bear for me to say anything kind about my exes, and felt it was a personal slight on him if I didn't slag them off.

So I always felt it was more about posturing than control, but really it was all his way of controlling an ending he felt he didn't have any control over, or something.

Yeah, my ex always threw her ex husband and boyfriends under the bus. Like so much so, that it would come up in conversation almost once a week. I always maintained great relationships with my exes.

She also could never understand why I continued to have friendships with some of them. It got to the point that if I had to tell a story that involved an ex, I would change it to "a friend" to avoid her interrogation about the ex.

[Suspicious1]

Yeah, my ex always threw her ex husband and boyfriends under the bus. Like so much so, that it would come up in conversation almost once a week. I always maintained great relationships with my exes.

She also could never understand why I continued to have friendships with some of them. It got to the point that if I had to tell a story that involved an ex, I would change it to "a friend" to avoid her interrogation about the ex.

Mine was just the same. I was just thinking the other day how he claimed to be over his ex wife, but he couldn't have been because he was claiming to be over her every other day in between talking about how awful she was. Why harp on and on about her if he was over her?

I always thought people who had nothing good to say about any of their exes were distinctly worrying. Either they were lying, or they had very low self-esteem to stay in toxic relationships time after time. I don't mean a run of bad luck, or a few here and there, but EVERY SINGLE ONE? Says more to me about the emotional health of that person than about their exes. I actually didn't like the thought of him having been so miserable, so asked him to name something he'd once loved about his ex, or a fun time he remembered having with her. He couldn't, or wouldn't, name a single thing.

I had just left an abusive marriage when I met my BPDex. I thought the mature thing, given that he was the father of my children and I had dearly loved him, was to simply say when asked "my ex husband is a lovely person, but he can also be very un-lovely and at the end of the day the balance swung too far in the wrong direction". That enraged my exBPD; he'd say "you always talk about how lovely he is!". Huh? Totally skewing what I was really saying, and what most people would hear.

[Dhand77]

I work with mine, too. After the split in Sept. i would send her texts from time to time trying to see if I could get her back. we'd say hello in the office but not talk all that much. I, too, tried to avoid her but she made that very hard because she would eat lunch in the lounge near where I sit. i could hear her talking and laughing and that drove me nuts. Made me feel trapped at my desk.

Now I'm at the point where we haven't said anything besides a quick "what's up" as i walked past her in the hall like 3 weeks ago. Besides that we haven't spoken a word to each other in quite some time. I need to treat her like someone who is dead to me. It's weird to see her in the office because she is like a ghost from my past. And she wears her mask so well at work.

I just saw her a little bit ago and neither of us said anything. that's the reality now and I'm becoming OK with that. For me I'm better off just not even acknowledging her presence while conducting myself in the office as a I normally would - talking with friends at their desks, talking with people in the kitchen as I get coffee, etc. Life must go on and I must live it the way I want to.

Thanks Anez, your story offers great advice. The past few weeks, I've come to terms that she is just a ghost of my past, and the new status quo is acting like I never even knew her. After all the pain and hurt, I went through, I'm ok with this. It's sad, but oh well, life goes on right?

Our split got nasty, especially when I called her out on possibly having BPD, and that she's pretty much broken. So I don't have to worry about a potential recycle, since she knows I'll hold her accountable for what she did.

Does your presence trigger her in anyway? I'm starting to think mine does. If I run into her, her face twists up. After a relatively drama free 4 years with me, I think some part of her knows she screwed up.

[cherryblossom]

I feel there is definately control going on to protect from shame

To mutual friends in band has portrayed that he couldn't cope -knows he has messed up and cant cope with his mh probs and drink probs --leaving open chance to return to band if poss? Or if he thought he could get back with me at least people would be sympathetic to him (in his head)

To my friend's boyfriend he said he still loved me but has f'd up with drink prob

messaged my sister apologies and hopes I will be ok and wants me to be happy



... .but to new set of friends at work and new female -god knows what he tells? That I'm an evil psycho b___ probably who tried to stop him from partying

[Anez]

I work with mine, too. After the split in Sept. i would send her texts from time to time trying to see if I could get her back. we'd say hello in the office but not talk all that much. I, too, tried to avoid her but she made that very hard because she would eat lunch in the lounge near where I sit. i could hear her talking and laughing and that drove me nuts. Made me feel trapped at my desk.

Now I'm at the point where we haven't said anything besides a quick "what's up" as i walked past her in the hall like 3 weeks ago. Besides that we haven't spoken a word to each other in quite some time. I need to treat her like someone who is dead to me. It's weird to see her in the office because she is like a ghost from my past. And she wears her mask so well at work.

I just saw her a little bit ago and neither of us said anything. that's the reality now and I'm becoming OK with that. For me I'm better off just not even acknowledging her presence while conducting myself in the office as a I normally would - talking with friends at their desks, talking with people in the kitchen as I get coffee, etc. Life must go on and I must live it the way I want to.

Thanks Anez, your story offers great advice. The past few weeks, I've come to terms that she is just a ghost of my past, and the new status quo is acting like I never even knew her. After all the pain and hurt, I went through, I'm ok with this. It's sad, but oh well, life goes on right?

Our split got nasty, especially when I called her out on possibly having BPD, and that she's pretty much broken. So I don't have to worry about a potential recycle, since she knows I'll hold her accountable for what she did.

Does your presence trigger her in anyway? I'm starting to think mine does. If I run into her, her face twists up. After a relatively drama free 4 years with me, I think some part of her knows she screwed up.

I dunno if I'm a trigger for her or not. I know when she broke things off from me she could never sit down and talk to me (we talked once on the phone) because just the thought of talking to me gave her too much anxiety. That says a lot about her and not me. She's just not wired at all for adult relationships or being an adult.

A few months ago she texted me (her first time initiating texts in months) on a night where i accomplished something big in my life (other friends were there for it and posted about it on social media). she reached out to congratulate me and said she wish she could have seen it. I was drinking in celebration and went back and forth with her. She said she was broken and a mess and was sorry she couldn't be the person i wanted her to be. Classic BPD stuff. But then she went off on how I couldn't be her savior. More classic BPD stuff.

So that all probably triggers her because she knows I know the real her, not the masked her that walks around all tough and loud at work. That's not really who she is. She's the one who cries at night about her life. she's 26 and a single mom. It's easier for her to hang out with people who don't know the entire her but just the fun, wild one. I probably trigger all that's wrong with her life and brain and inability to be with someone who cares for all of her.

So yea, i'm probably a trigger! ha! i just figured that all out on the fly.

It's very weird to not talk to her at all and to act like i don't even see her. We were really damn close and had a lot of special times together - as I'm sure you had with your ex. but in the end there's nothing we can do for them. they are who they are.

I'll close with this. Somebody on the boards wrote this months ago and I wrote it down and refer to it when I'm feeling doubts about everything:

"They only have what it takes to start a relationship. They don't have what it takes to sustain and nourish it."

And that is so true. They are mental midgets when it comes to real feelings, emotion, and love. It's just not in them.

sorry, totally rambled here!

stay strong!

[Dhand77]

I work with mine, too. After the split in Sept. i would send her texts from time to time trying to see if I could get her back. we'd say hello in the office but not talk all that much. I, too, tried to avoid her but she made that very hard because she would eat lunch in the lounge near where I sit. i could hear her talking and laughing and that drove me nuts. Made me feel trapped at my desk.

Now I'm at the point where we haven't said anything besides a quick "what's up" as i walked past her in the hall like 3 weeks ago. Besides that we haven't spoken a word to each other in quite some time. I need to treat her like someone who is dead to me. It's weird to see her in the office because she is like a ghost from my past. And she wears her mask so well at work.

I just saw her a little bit ago and neither of us said anything. that's the reality now and I'm becoming OK with that. For me I'm better off just not even acknowledging her presence while conducting myself in the office as a I normally would - talking with friends at their desks, talking with people in the kitchen as I get coffee, etc. Life must go on and I must live it the way I want to.

Thanks Anez, your story offers great advice. The past few weeks, I've come to terms that she is just a ghost of my past, and the new status quo is acting like I never even knew her. After all the pain and hurt, I went through, I'm ok with this. It's sad, but oh well, life goes on right?

Our split got nasty, especially when I called her out on possibly having BPD, and that she's pretty much broken. So I don't have to worry about a potential recycle, since she knows I'll hold her accountable for what she did.

Does your presence trigger her in anyway? I'm starting to think mine does. If I run into her, her face twists up. After a relatively drama free 4 years with me, I think some part of her knows she screwed up.

I dunno if I'm a trigger for her or not. I know when she broke things off from me she could never sit down and talk to me (we talked once on the phone) because just the thought of talking to me gave her too much anxiety. That says a lot about her and not me. She's just not wired at all for adult relationships or being an adult.

A few months ago she texted me (her first time initiating texts in months) on a night where i accomplished something big in my life (other friends were there for it and posted about it on social media). she reached out to congratulate me and said she wish she could have seen it. I was drinking in celebration and went back and forth with her. She said she was broken and a mess and was sorry she couldn't be the person i wanted her to be. Classic BPD stuff. But then she went off on how I couldn't be her savior. More classic BPD stuff.

So that all probably triggers her because she knows I know the real her, not the masked her that walks around all tough and loud at work. That's not really who she is. She's the one who cries at night about her life. she's 26 and a single mom. It's easier for her to hang out with people who don't know the entire her but just the fun, wild one. I probably trigger all that's wrong with her life and brain and inability to be with someone who cares for all of her.

So yea, i'm probably a trigger! ha! i just figured that all out on the fly.

It's very weird to not talk to her at all and to act like i don't even see her. We were really damn close and had a lot of special times together - as I'm sure you had with your ex. but in the end there's nothing we can do for them. they are who they are.

I'll close with this. Somebody on the boards wrote this months ago and I wrote it down and refer to it when I'm feeling doubts about everything:

"They only have what it takes to start a relationship. They don't have what it takes to sustain and nourish it."

And that is so true. They are mental midgets when it comes to real feelings, emotion, and love. It's just not in them.

sorry, totally rambled here!

stay strong!

Thanks Anez! Lol. I've been calling my ex a "mental midget" as well lately. But really, thanks. Her and I was incredibly close and I know the "real" her as well and it is really disappointing it all had to go down in the most juvenile way possible. But, I think I am A-OK not speaking to her again. It is what it is.