My birthday - the last hurdle?

[Hopeful83]

 

It was my birthday the other day and it was a very difficult day - did anyone else feel this way? I say it's the last hurdle because I've already made it through the first Christmas, NYE, Easter and his birthday without him. My birthday was always going to be a difficult one, though - I realised the last three birthdays were so special and he made such an effort with getaways, lovely gifts and just making me feel extremely special and loved. He knew I loved birthdays and he always made sure they were memorable. 

Now? Now we don't talk, he's married to someone else and looking blank, and I'm left mending a broken heart.

What an effing difference a year makes.

I know things change. I know nothing in life is constant. I know that I'll find someone healthier next time. But sometimes the pain is too much to deal with. I feel no one really understands me right now - in their minds, it's been almost a year, I should forget about him and move on. I see their point of view, but something tells me I'm not dealing with this very well.

I hate to admit I miss him after all the pain he caused me, but I'd give anything to rewind to this time last year and live that birthday again. It was the last time I felt like everything made some sort of sense - I felt loved, I felt my life was sorted. How wrong can you be?

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here, but I just needed to get it out in the open. I'm not coping well. I don't feel therapy is helping the way it should. I'm not sure what else to try at this point. Is it normal to still be feeling this way when you're almost a year out? To still tear up at the slightest thing, feel angry and sad at regular intervals, and just feel like everything is pointless?

[once removed]

hi Hopeful83  

i think its self defeating when we internalize the notion from others that we "should" be experiencing something contrary to what we are. to be stuck, or not to be coping well are one thing, but its not as if you arent being proactive. i think that would be a different story.

i told myself a lot of the same things. i "should" be further on. i "should" feel differently toward her. it got a lot easier on me when i accepted my feelings and my experience for what they were. and i began to acknowledge and honor those feelings rather than invalidate them.

"normal" is relative and a word i rarely use here. our relationships, our circumstances, generally arent "normal". theres not a lot of "normal" when it comes to grief, except that we all experience it, but we all experience it differently. in context, is it common to be feeling this way when youre almost a year out? definitely. is it out of the ordinary? not at all. i dated a girl for three months when i was eighteen. i didnt take the breakup well but i did eventually (long time) get past it. to this day i occasionally have dreams about her that leave me a bit shaken when i wake up. "normal"? i dunno. it is what it is.

im interested in what your therapist(s) has to say about these thoughts and feelings. do they know about them? and can i ask what kind of therapy youre in? if you feel something is off or youre not benefiting, it may be time to supplement or try other forms of therapy.

PS. despite how triggering it was, happy birthday

[Herodias]

Yes, I understand. He text me a month early for my birthday, but not on my actual birthday. I was really hurt. He would say, well- I moved on and you haven't! Ridiculous. I will be glad not to wish him a happy birthday this year as I made a point of being the first one to do it last year.  He always wanted such lavish things as gifts and wanted big celebrations. He never made a big deal of mine now that I think about it. Only  our first and last year... .he really made a big efforts then. But his... .It better be big or he pouted. I feel over that hurdle too. He will be getting a divorce near his birthday... .He will probably say some awful thing like he did to me last Xmas. "Best gift you ever gave me was your not being a part of my life"... .who does that?  Perk up... .I just keep watching u-tube videos. Once you figure who they are and what they did, you can move on to why you were in it and how to move on from it. Therapy didn't always work for me, because I always wanted to analyze everything and I could talk forever! They don't have that sort of time and I don't have the money! There are lots of people who have advice and stories... .I tend to watch the ones on NPD, because mine is so much like that. Sometimes when I am upset, it helps to remember what I was dealing with... .Hope you feel better.

[Hopeful83]

hi Hopeful83  

i think its self defeating when we internalize the notion from others that we "should" be experiencing something contrary to what we are. to be stuck, or not to be coping well are one thing, but its not as if you arent being proactive. i think that would be a different story.

i told myself a lot of the same things. i "should" be further on. i "should" feel differently toward her. it got a lot easier on me when i accepted my feelings and my experience for what they were. and i began to acknowledge and honor those feelings rather than invalidate them.

"normal" is relative and a word i rarely use here. our relationships, our circumstances, generally arent "normal". theres not a lot of "normal" when it comes to grief, except that we all experience it, but we all experience it differently. in context, is it common to be feeling this way when youre almost a year out? definitely. is it out of the ordinary? not at all. i dated a girl for three months when i was eighteen. i didnt take the breakup well but i did eventually (long time) get past it. to this day i occasionally have dreams about her that leave me a bit shaken when i wake up. "normal"? i dunno. it is what it is.

im interested in what your therapist(s) has to say about these thoughts and feelings. do they know about them? and can i ask what kind of therapy youre in? if you feel something is off or youre not benefiting, it may be time to supplement or try other forms of therapy.

PS. despite how triggering it was, happy birthday

Hi Once removed,

Thanks for replying - your posts are always helpful.

I know what you mean - I once was seeing someone for just a few months and it took me ages to get over it. Funny part is, when I see him now I wonder "what was I thinking?" not because he's an awful person (to the contrary, he's matured into a lovely guy), but because I don't understand why I was so distraught that it didn't work out. I tend to take rejection hard; it's my achilles heel. And my latest ex really kicked me where it hurts - spineless man that he is, he wanted to take me down and make me feel as crap as he was feeling. I still cannot quite get over how it all unfolded.

You're right - in the past when I was feeling that I *should* be doing better, it was slowing down my progress; the minute I leaned into my feelings more it felt easier somewhat. I guess I'm tired, though - I'm tired of fighting. I've been fighting for almost a year it seems and it just doesn't seem to get better. I'm a strong person but I'm tired of being strong - sounds silly, but that's how I feel.

My therapist uses transactional analysis. I am going to speak to her about how I'm feeling when I see her this week - that I don't feel it's helping, and see what she says. I feel bad for even saying this to her, because she's been so understanding and helpful, especially at the beginning, but now I just don't see how it's helping me. I don't feel like I'm making any progress at all. And frankly I don't have the money to waste on something that's not working.

Ugh, this post is so woe is me. I really am so grateful for all the amazing things I have in my life - health, a roof over my head, a loving family. But damn, this is hard.

[Ahoy]

It really is hard, and people not exposed to BPD simply won't understand what you are going through. We are your support network   

Just as we give support, support is given to us! Don't feel one ounce of shame about telling us how you feel, woe is you? Woe is all of us haha!

[once removed]

i take rejection hard too. for a great deal of my relationship i wanted to leave. when i was left everything changed. i had a thread going recently that links to an article on how we experience rejection that might be of interest to you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293238.0

point being i understand the toll rejection can take on a person. it leaves a unique wound that can really fester, certainly for a year or more.

what do you feel that youre fighting? strength doesnt necessarily translate to the ability to will emotional pain away. i consider myself a strong person (im not sure i did before it all) and the experience took me to the edge, depths i never imagined, and seemed insurmountable at the time. strength also doesnt preclude asking for help or leaning on support; on the contrary.

i think you have a good plan with your therapist. think of it this way: if a person is depressed it might be a good idea to try medication. if the medication doesnt work it isnt your fault - its a process that involves some wait and see, trying other medications, finding the right dose, maybe some combination... .your therapist presumably will want to know how you are doing in your treatment, whats working, what isnt. she can refer you to another therapist, or an additional therapist, or try another approach; you have options.

i also want to echo what Ahoy said. this is a support group. there is zero shame in expressing yourself or being vulnerable with us, and asking for support. its what we are here for. its what your recovery is all about. and it is a sign of strength 

[Hopeful83]

It really is hard, and people not exposed to BPD simply won't understand what you are going through. We are your support network   

Just as we give support, support is given to us! Don't feel one ounce of shame about telling us how you feel, woe is you? Woe is all of us haha!

Thank you ahoy, much appreciated 

[Hopeful83]

i take rejection hard too. for a great deal of my relationship i wanted to leave. when i was left everything changed. i had a thread going recently that links to an article on how we experience rejection that might be of interest to you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293238.0

point being i understand the toll rejection can take on a person. it leaves a unique wound that can really fester, certainly for a year or more.

what do you feel that youre fighting? strength doesnt necessarily translate to the ability to will emotional pain away. i consider myself a strong person (im not sure i did before it all) and the experience took me to the edge, depths i never imagined, and seemed insurmountable at the time. strength also doesnt preclude asking for help or leaning on support; on the contrary.

i think you have a good plan with your therapist. think of it this way: if a person is depressed it might be a good idea to try medication. if the medication doesnt work it isnt your fault - its a process that involves some wait and see, trying other medications, finding the right dose, maybe some combination... .your therapist presumably will want to know how you are doing in your treatment, whats working, what isnt. she can refer you to another therapist, or an additional therapist, or try another approach; you have options.

i also want to echo what Ahoy said. this is a support group. there is zero shame in expressing yourself or being vulnerable with us, and asking for support. its what we are here for. its what your recovery is all about. and it is a sign of strength 

Interesting theory, thanks for sharing. I've always felt 'unlovable' so when the one person who you felt truly loved you tries to tell you something to the contrary when it all ends, it hits you damn hard. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive him for that, as there was absolutely no need (well, there was a need - his own selfish need to make a clear break and keep his family happy).

I feel like I'm fighting to stay afloat. Every day is a struggle - I have no real desire to work, I have to force myself to socialise with people, and I just don't have much interest in anything these days. I am not a big TV watcher, and yet over the last few weeks I've binge watched crappy reality TV shows because I can just zone out without having to deal with anything.

I've never felt so indifferent in my life, and it's kind of scary to me.

Yesterday I decided that I'd start working on a new project, and it's something that's been inspired by what I went through. I'm not sure it's the wisest of things to do, but what I do know is that I need some sort of creative outlet for the whole experience and right now I don't have one. So I'm trying this out and seeing where it leads me.

Other than that, I'm lost. Thank you for all the support - it's so nice that I'll always have this space to share how I'm feeling.