I need to vent. So, apparently my lying, cheating ex...

[5tarla]

Is "Glad she doesn't hate me." That's right. You heard it right. The woman who led me on for almost a full year, LIED at every turn, cheated on me multiple times, and lined up her replacement during the last month of us being together is glad she doesn't hate me. Her exact words are, "I'm glad I don't hate you." All I ever did was confront her about her lies and cheating, which ended up in us never speaking again. I obviously can not apply logic to this line of thinking and really just want to say it to people that understand, because they too have BPD exes that defy all logic and say ridiculous things. Is this their Black & White thinking at work? I can't imagine I'm painted white again after calling her out on her BS, and nor do I care, but has anything similar happened to you? She literally has nothing to hate me for.

[gotbushels]

Hi 5tarla:)

At this point I like to think the pwBPD comes from a land of fantasy. In this land of fantasy, their silly behaviour allows them to live in peace with the things they have done. In our realm, reality, us as inhabitants of this realm--mostly inhabitants--do not approve of their behaviour. Kind of like Oz.

Yes, I can relate:)

[5tarla]

Hi 5tarla:)

At this point I like to think the pwBPD comes from a land of fantasy. In this land of fantasy, their silly behaviour allows them to live in peace with the things they have done. In our realm, reality, us as inhabitants of this realm--mostly inhabitants--do not approve of their behaviour. Kind of like Oz.

Yes, I can relate:)

I just wonder what she could have told herself to justify her behavior and somehow put me in the wrong. Maybe I misunderstand, but to me it sounds like some sort of accomplishment to her that she doesn't hate me. That she actually had reason to. Even after you give these people your all they still somehow find a way to make you the bad guy.

[Dhand77]

Hi 5tarla:)

At this point I like to think the pwBPD comes from a land of fantasy. In this land of fantasy, their silly behaviour allows them to live in peace with the things they have done. In our realm, reality, us as inhabitants of this realm--mostly inhabitants--do not approve of their behaviour. Kind of like Oz.

Yes, I can relate:)

I just wonder what she could have told herself to justify her behavior and somehow put me in the wrong. Maybe I misunderstand, but to me it sounds like some sort of accomplishment to her that she doesn't hate me. That she actually had reason to. Even after you give these people your all they still somehow find a way to make you the bad guy.

Yep, I'm a huge "bad guy" in my ex's head for a some reason. Me, the guy that bought her flowers and told her "Thank you for being in my life" two days before my discard. She however, has given me a million reasons to hate her.

[zeus123]

She lied at every turn, she cheated on you multiple times, she lined up a replacement while you were still with her... Why do you care if she hates you or not? She is out and it's over.

[5tarla]

She lied at every turn, she cheated on you multiple times, she lined up a replacement while you were still with her... Why do you care if she hates you or not? She is out and it's over.

Because that's how I function. I don't just wake up one day and not care, that's what BPD do. I've already stated my reasoning for asking in this forum. Why does anyone care what their BPD exes think of them? Just another part of the healing process and moving on.

[Hadlee]

Why do you care if she hates you or not? She is out and it's over.

Easier said than done when you are grieving and trying to heal the pain.  It takes time for the heart to catch up to the head.

[5tarla]

Why do you care if she hates you or not? She is out and it's over.

Easier said than done when you are grieving and trying to heal the pain.  It takes time for the heart to catch up to the head.

As if telling me "She is out and it's over." is somehow news to me. I know. I'm the one that confronted her and ended it, doesn't mean I don't have my own healing to do. And I definitely do not want her back or to go back, but if she is mentioning me obviously I care .

Man, some people have the nerve. >_>

[Hadlee]

Why do you care if she hates you or not? She is out and it's over.

Easier said than done when you are grieving and trying to heal the pain.  It takes time for the heart to catch up to the head.

As if telling me "She is out and it's over." is somehow news to me. I know. I'm the one that confronted her and ended it, doesn't mean I don't have my own healing to do. And I definitely do not want her back or to go back, but if she is mentioning me obviously I care .

Man, some people have the nerve. >_>

I totally get it

[5tarla]

Why do you care if she hates you or not? She is out and it's over.

Easier said than done when you are grieving and trying to heal the pain.  It takes time for the heart to catch up to the head.

As if telling me "She is out and it's over." is somehow news to me. I know. I'm the one that confronted her and ended it, doesn't mean I don't have my own healing to do. And I definitely do not want her back or to go back, but if she is mentioning me obviously I care .

Man, some people have the nerve. >_>

I totally get it

I appreciate it.

[Rayban]

I think they will say anything that will have us thinking about them. It's a form of energy draining. By ruminating and trying to decipher what they meant, we feed the beast.

It's also implying that she should have reason to hate you, hence transferring all the blame on you, allowing her to continue living in a fantasy land where she could never be wrong, or take responsibility for all the crap she puts people through.

[5tarla]

True. I appreciate the response, Rayban. Doesn't make any sense, but I'm since over it as there is nothing I can do about her reality.

[londons]

here is what i am thinking... .    if we woke up one day and were "OVER IT," or could somehow ":)ETACH" ourselves from the pain, i would not be typing right now.  nor would i be nodding my head in agreement post after post, learning from the knowledge of others, whispering "thank yous" to people who cannot hear me,  wiping tears when i can relate, saddened by the situation of another BPD family member, seeing light bulbs go off right in from of me, or finding the strength to make it through another day.       that is what i am thinking... .

[londons]

in a nutshell, 5tarla, we hear you.  vent anytime

[5tarla]

Thank you so much. I don't want to feel like I shouldn't talk about it. :/

[Caley]

Is "Glad she doesn't hate me." That's right. You heard it right. The woman who led me on for almost a full year, LIED at every turn, cheated on me multiple times, and lined up her replacement during the last month of us being together is glad she doesn't hate me. Her exact words are, "I'm glad I don't hate you." All I ever did was confront her about her lies and cheating, which ended up in us never speaking again. I obviously can not apply logic to this line of thinking and really just want to say it to people that understand, because they too have BPD exes that defy all logic and say ridiculous things. Is this their Black & White thinking at work? I can't imagine I'm painted white again after calling her out on her BS, and nor do I care, but has anything similar happened to you? She literally has nothing to hate me for.

Her statement is just 'business as usual'. Once again, she's turned the tables and has you exasperated at her inability to show any empathy for you or reflection of her behaviour. Again, she's managed to get you to a point where you feel frustrated again. Her statement suggests 'it's all your fault' but she forgives you and doesn't hate you ... even though she should (in her mind).

She also knows that the amount of crap and abuse that she's doled out to you would make it very difficult for you to not hate the way she has treated you ... and if you can't forgive her, then you're the lesser person (she maintains her sense of superiority) because she forgives you. 'I can let go of all the awful things you did ... but ... you can't, can you? See how much better than you, I am?'

These relationship aren't about 'logic' and to continue to apply logic to what is more of an emotional realm will have you beating yourself up, all over again.

For whatever reason you are still in contact ... perhaps you could revise it. NC is extremely powerful in terms of your healing ... and shutting the door on her ability to remain in your life to meddle with your emotional health.

[stimpy]

Is "Glad she doesn't hate me." That's right. You heard it right. The woman who led me on for almost a full year, LIED at every turn, cheated on me multiple times, and lined up her replacement during the last month of us being together is glad she doesn't hate me. Her exact words are, "I'm glad I don't hate you." All I ever did was confront her about her lies and cheating, which ended up in us never speaking again. I obviously can not apply logic to this line of thinking and really just want to say it to people that understand, because they too have BPD exes that defy all logic and say ridiculous things. Is this their Black & White thinking at work? I can't imagine I'm painted white again after calling her out on her BS, and nor do I care, but has anything similar happened to you? She literally has nothing to hate me for.

Hi 5tarla,

a couple of things cross my mind ---

One is that maybe for her, her lies and cheating are justified (your fault), perhaps she thinks you have let her down in some way and so she is justified in lying and cheating. So you calling her out makes no sense - to her. So for her and in her eyes, basically everything is your fault. So not hating you is a good thing. Crazy "logic", but there you go.

Second thought is that she maybe she normally DOES hate her exes, but is genuinely glad that she doesn't with you.

I think trying to make sense of what they say / or do is normal, we are programmed to try and understand other people's behaviour. It gets tiring when the other person doesn't operate in a logical way that makes sense to us. But still we try and do it.

No contact if possible, and eventually their memory fades and they no longer matter.

[5tarla]

We're actually not in contact and I'm grateful for it. It's been a little over a month and I've said I am moving forward, but that doesn't mean I'm totally over it. Two months out after wasting a whole year and then the sudden way things ended. I've definitely made a lot of progress with not speaking to her, but I still find things out haha. And um, It's sort of 50/50 with her exes? She maintains friendships with two and then she doesn't speak to me at all because I guess calling her out was too much? Idk what truly goes through her head and I'm not gonna ask her to find out, that's why I come to you guys so I don't have to do anything stupid.