How many actually know?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This question has two parts. Part one is if you were a replacement did you know that the pwBPD was actually in a relationship at the time. Part two is did your replacement know that you were together at the time.

I wasn't a replacement. I also feel like my multiple replacements didn't know me and her were together. It seems like a lot of the replacement relationships either start out as the pwBPD saying we are together but in the middle of separating or they don't bring you up at all. What are your experiences.

[Confused?]

This question has two parts. Part one is if you were a replacement did you know that the pwBPD was actually in a relationship at the time. Part two is did your replacement know that you were together at the time.

I wasn't a replacement. I also feel like my multiple replacements didn't know me and her were together. It seems like a lot of the replacement relationships either start out as the pwBPD saying we are together but in the middle of separating or they don't bring you up at all. What are your experiences.

[gotbushels]

Good question.

An anonymous poll might have been much better because people aren't likely to participate if they knew they were breaking up someone's relationship. Would you admit you were a third party? Thus, I think your results regarding counting "for comfort" are going to be so far skewed to the point of being unusable for this purpose:)

If you simply want to find out if there are people that didn't know, sure I will answer.

1) The pwBPD traits told me when were getting together that she had been single for several months.

2) I met the person who "replaced" me in person before I found out what was happening. In front of that person, we did "normal" PDA like good-byes with kisses, handholding, boyfriend duties etc. whilst he was there, so I'm sure he knew.

I still maintain that the question is good as it shines attention on the fact that there are people out there that will pursue someone who is already dating.

[Confused?]

Good question.

An anonymous poll might have been much better because people aren't likely to participate if they knew they were breaking up someone's relationship. Would you admit you were a third party? Thus, I think your results regarding counting "for comfort" are going to be so far skewed to the point of being unusable for this purpose:)

If you simply want to find out if there are people that didn't know, sure I will answer.

1) The pwBPD traits told me when were getting together that she had been single for several months.

2) I met the person who "replaced" me in person before I found out what was happening. In front of that person, we did "normal" PDA like good-byes with kisses, handholding, boyfriend duties etc. whilst he was there, so I'm sure he knew.

I still maintain that the question is good as it shines attention on the fact that there are people out there that will pursue someone who is already dating.

Thank you for your response. I've read multiple stories on here of people starting relationships with pwBPD as affairs or knowing they are married "but going through divorce". Being honest about how things happen is a great part of detachment. If you lie to yourself and everyone else you are no better than the person that hurt you.

[balletomane]

I got together with my ex three days after he broke up with his previous girlfriend. He broke up with her while he was visiting me in my home country. He became convinced she was planning to cheat on him in his absence, with zero evidence, and got irrationally furious with her. I could see that he wasn't behaving rationally, and I did try to point that out, but I was too much in love to try very hard or to pay much attention to this warning sign - I reasoned to myself that this girl was someone he'd only known for a short time after meeting her at a party, that they'd only been a couple for three weeks, and obviously she didn't know him as well as I knew him. We'd been best friends for years.

Now I know that he probably only ended things with her in that explosive way because staying in my house and spending every day with me had made him realise, if only on the subconscious level, that I was interested in him and he had a chance with me. (Later he told me that before the visit he had believed me to be uninterested in him romantically.) I also think that his accusations about her were projections - he was feeling attracted to me and he wanted to act on that, so he decided that she was probably cheating on him. So I was a replacement, but I saw that only recently.

I am 99% sure that my replacement doesn't know he was still involved with me when they got together. She was his new flatmate, and he told me a few months before they became a couple that she had asked him curiously how he and I could sleep in the same bed when I visited if I was his ex. He assured her that nothing was happening and that it was completely platonic. He told me this as though it was humorous. I doubt he ever corrected her perception. In her position I would have been suspicious, but then again, she is maybe how I was at the beginning of my relationship with him - very much in love with him and eager to explain away red flags and details that don't quite add up.

[Confused?]

I got together with my ex three days after he broke up with his previous girlfriend. He broke up with her while he was visiting me in my home country. He became convinced she was planning to cheat on him in his absence, with zero evidence, and got irrationally furious with her. I could see that he wasn't behaving rationally, and I did try to point that out, but I was too much in love to try very hard or to pay much attention to this warning sign - I reasoned to myself that this girl was someone he'd only known for a short time after meeting her at a party, that they'd only been a couple for three weeks, and obviously she didn't know him as well as I knew him. We'd been best friends for years.

Now I know that he probably only ended things with her in that explosive way because staying in my house and spending every day with me had made him realise, if only on the subconscious level, that I was interested in him and he had a chance with me. (Later he told me that before the visit he had believed me to be uninterested in him romantically.) I also think that his accusations about her were projections - he was feeling attracted to me and he wanted to act on that, so he decided that she was probably cheating on him. So I was a replacement, but I saw that only recently.

I am 99% sure that my replacement doesn't know he was still involved with me when they got together. She was his new flatmate, and he told me a few months before they became a couple that she had asked him curiously how he and I could sleep in the same bed when I visited if I was his ex. He assured her that nothing was happening and that it was completely platonic. He told me this as though it was humorous. I doubt he ever corrected her perception. In her position I would have been suspicious, but then again, she is maybe how I was at the beginning of my relationship with him - very much in love with him and eager to explain away red flags and details that don't quite add up.

Can I ask why he was visiting you in the first place? Did your relationship start off as an emotional affair or did you meet by coincident while he was in your country. Also it sounds like he was lying about the two of you being a couple while he was grooming the new girl?

[balletomane]

Can I ask why he was visiting you in the first place? Did your relationship start off as an emotional affair or did you meet by coincident while he was in your country. Also it sounds like he was lying about the two of you being a couple while he was grooming the new girl?

We'd been friends for several years before we became a couple. I used to live in his country (that was where we became friends) and he had always wanted to travel in Europe, so I invited him to visit me in my home country one day whenever he finally got round to making that trip.

And yes, he was telling the replacement that he and I were just platonic friends even though we weren't.

[rfriesen]

I knew my ex was engaged at the time we started together. I'm not exactly proud of that in hindsight. But, if I'm being honest, before the craziness of this relationship, my attitude was more or less, "it's her business how she deals with her engagement. We're attracted to one another and we'll have a fling."

Then she ended her engagement, got serious with me, and became increasingly demanding about our future together. I was torn, and responded to her rage, suspicions, despair by becoming withdrawn and suggesting that we stay friends, but end our dysfunctional relationship.

But of course we just continued the dysfunctional relationship for months and months. By this point, I had moved to a new city. Eventually she started looking for someone new and started seeing other people. I can't hold that against her, because I was not ready to commit to our relationship. But I did think we were still trying to figure things out, and I was pouring my heart out daily by email to her. So when I found out that she was already looking to move on, it hurt a lot.

Now she's with someone new, but reaches out quite often to say she still wishes she were with me. I'm no longer able to gauge her sincerity. There were too many lies and too much confusion and hurt. In a sense, we're in not too bad a place. We've more or less detached. There's still a lot of pain on both sides, I think. But I keep my boundaries up and she seems to understand it's over. My head is still a mess from the relationship though.

And, to come to the second part of your question, my ex's new bf does not know about me. At least, my gf tells me he doesn't -- she claims to think of me constantly while with him, but not to have told him about our relationship. I think she's probably telling the truth about him not knowing. Hard for me to imagine why she would choose to tell him, at least while they're still early in their relationship.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex was more than a year out of his previous relationship when I got together with him, so I was certainly not a replacement.  I was about two years out from my last breakup.

He certainly had an interesting view of fidelity, however.

His previous relationship was with a married woman who was separated from her husband.  When she would spend time with her husband and consider reconciliation, he called this "cheating."  The reality of the situation was that she was cheating on her husband with my ex, but his needs-based view of things dictated that he had every right to land in bed with someone else's wife.

Most of the women who made me feel threatened during our relationship were married.  I knew this wasn't a boundary for him so it offered no sense of safety.

[LostInMemories]

I met my ex online. At the time she did have a relationship (which she didn't tell me about). So after getting to know her and some intimate things for about 3 weeks she finally told me she was still in a relationship, but that the guy was abusive and she wanted to leave him. From that moment on I pulled back, because I did not want to ruin someone elses relationship. I felt confused though, especially when I started receiving calls of him holding her hostage in his house. Turns out that was true, and the guy was actually abusive. The next day she left him, and a few weeks later we got together.

About a year in our relationship, she started acting weird, saying she felt 'trapped' and saying that she wanted to leave me, and the next moment the exact opposite. It was confusing and I realized there was something odd about her behavior (now I know it was BPD but I had no clue at the time) She decided we were on a break and started seeing this guy. Slimy controlling little fella with the smoothest talk ever. Damn how much I hated that guy... .(not only for messing around with 'my' girl but just because his slimy personality) That went on for a few weeks or so, until she came back to me, apologizing, begging me for forgiveness. Me, still madly in love, took her back with no doubt. To this day she claims nothing more than a kiss happened between the two but I highly doubt it. Ugh, feeling sick writing this, that guy was the worst i've ever seen.

After another year, she broke up in the classic BPD way (without warning, very sudden, hating my guts. There's more to it tho but I already made a complete topic about my story). Not even a week later she was back with her abusive ex, she left for me.

I leave to others to decide who was the replacement here. I don't feel like a replacement because I know for a fact she truly adored me, and at times I was basically the only thing she still lived for (At least that's what she said).

[Jazzy]

I got to know I was a replacement over 1 year after my r/s began. I also learnt he was still  continuing to see the person I had replaced .She had no clue about me. He only stopped   meeting her( so I believe) after I threatened to leave. He swore he loved me and had no feelings for her.

I got to know I had been replaced 3  months after it happened. He did not tell me, I  found out . Till the time I went NC a few months later , the person who replaced me had not been told about me.  I doubt he will ever tell her.