Mothers day, gifts and waifs

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone!

So yesterday I got a text message saying "you best start posting my gifts for mothers day" (sort of joking, but not really!)

So I wanted hear about how other people feel about gifts for events like mothers day, and how they deal with it.

To keep it brief, my mother is uBPD with waif tendencies. Since finding this forum I have successfully stepped back from being fairly enmeshed and adultified to being fairly medium chill.

While MC works well in most situations, special events like mothers day, birthday and xmas, are still a BIG DEAL to her!

My mother has ALWAYS had a really demanding approach to gifts on these days, i.e., she will start mentioning the gifts she wants MONTHS before the day, she will send me lists, and so on, and I dont mean any gifts, but things like iPhones, Kindle, laptops (this fits into my being adultified too). She will always ask what I want in return, happy to buy me extravagant things despite me repeatedly saying I want nothing as I dont celebrate christmas etc.

I can remember back to being around 6 y/o on Mothers Day and being told to "find a mothers day card in the study or make one" and I protested that I didnt know what to write. In the end I found a card and wrote something basic about 'happy mothers day im not sure what to write here haha'. Well that was the end of the world for her! HOW DARE I WRITE THAT, HOW DARE I NOT KNOW WHAT TO WRITE!

This trend hasn't changed, it was just a year ago that she complained my xmas card was the same design I had used once in the past! (It was a really nice one, so I saved them!)

Does anyone else have similar experiences with the gift thing? How do you deal?

[Smile41869]

Hi everyone!

So yesterday I got a text message saying "you best start posting my gifts for mothers day" (sort of joking, but not really!)

So I wanted hear about how other people feel about gifts for events like mothers day, and how they deal with it.

To keep it brief, my mother is uBPD with waif tendencies. Since finding this forum I have successfully stepped back from being fairly enmeshed and adultified to being fairly medium chill.

While MC works well in most situations, special events like mothers day, birthday and xmas, are still a BIG DEAL to her!

My mother has ALWAYS had a really demanding approach to gifts on these days, i.e., she will start mentioning the gifts she wants MONTHS before the day, she will send me lists, and so on, and I dont mean any gifts, but things like iPhones, Kindle, laptops (this fits into my being adultified too). She will always ask what I want in return, happy to buy me extravagant things despite me repeatedly saying I want nothing as I dont celebrate christmas etc.

I can remember back to being around 6 y/o on Mothers Day and being told to "find a mothers day card in the study or make one" and I protested that I didnt know what to write. In the end I found a card and wrote something basic about 'happy mothers day im not sure what to write here haha'. Well that was the end of the world for her! HOW DARE I WRITE THAT, HOW DARE I NOT KNOW WHAT TO WRITE!

This trend hasn't changed, it was just a year ago that she complained my xmas card was the same design I had used once in the past! (It was a really nice one, so I saved them!)

Does anyone else have similar experiences with the gift thing? How do you deal?

[Sarah girl]

Yup, same here. When I was 12, we bought my mom a Dairy Queen cake, flowers and a card. She acted happy in front of everyone but when it was just the two of us she told me how disappointed she was in me. She said she expected as much from "the boys" (my dad and brother) but she expected much more from me. Much to my confusion, she was totally furious. How could I be so inconsiderate and not give her something worthy of her value? She was cold with me for a month afterwards. That has pretty much set the tone for every single event. She is like this to this day.

Even though I'm a mom, I absolutely dread mother's day. Every year I try to please her by biting off more than I can chew and every year I fall short. This year is no exception. Just like  you, I've done really well with LC and MC. My day-to-day is so much more peaceful due to clear boundaries. Unfortunately, I still have a really hard time with special occasions. I always cave in to guilt when it comes to events and gifts  .   

I wish I had some advice. I'm in the same boat. One saving grace is that we are both going in the right direction. MC and LC are progress. I like to think that it's only a matter of time until the boundary defining also extends to special occasions. You are not alone in this .

[Smile41869]

Yup, same here. When I was 12, we bought my mom a Dairy Queen cake, flowers and a card. She acted happy in front of everyone but when it was just the two of us she told me how disappointed she was in me. She said she expected as much from "the boys" (my dad and brother) but she expected much more from me. Much to my confusion, she was totally furious. How could I be so inconsiderate and not give her something worthy of her value? She was cold with me for a month afterwards. That has pretty much set the tone for every single event. She is like this to this day.

Even though I'm a mom, I absolutely dread mother's day. Every year I try to please her by biting off more than I can chew and every year I fall short. This year is no exception. Just like  you, I've done really well with LC and MC. My day-to-day is so much more peaceful due to clear boundaries. Unfortunately, I still have a really hard time with special occasions. I always cave in to guilt when it comes to events and gifts  .   

I wish I had some advice. I'm in the same boat. One saving grace is that we are both going in the right direction. MC and LC are progress. I like to think that it's only a matter of time until the boundary defining also extends to special occasions. You are not alone in this .

Oh I can so relate with you Sarah! Thank you for your insights!

My brother also gets away with so much more than me! He will be giving either just a card on special events, or sometimes nothing. If he sends her ANY gift its always really exciting, where my gift efforts are never up to standard! I.e., If i'm sending flowers- 'gee those flowers were a bit lacking I hope you didnt pay much!' or I send a nice scarf - 'oh I'm really not into blue or green!'

I also try to go above and beyond and buy really expensive gifts to save myself more trouble... .I have ALWAYS made christmas all about her since I was a kid, whatever gift she wants, what activities she wants, to the extent that as I got older I was buying all kinds of crap and decking out my house every year just to host her (my brother and dad are not interested - surprise surprise) and listen to her complaints about what I had gotten wrong...

I realised how ridiculous it all was with the help of my partner, so last christmas was the first time ever - we spent xmas overseas on a holiday just me and my partner, it was divine! Of course she was disappointed, but then I figure she will be disappointed either way so why bother! I will try to set this xmas holiday as a new standard, maybe I will drop in and see her for a day, but no longer will the holidays be all about her.

Mothers day seems to be harder though, there is a HUGE societal pressure to make your mom special on that day - its sole purpose is about her, you cannot defer to any excuse really. Once again I did splash out on something nice this year, but I didnt put a card with it, which I know will be a problem for her. It is just so difficult to send a gift when you are doing it because its demanded. I know she would want some words of gratitude in a card, but I just cannot genuinely write them and it drains so much life out of me to keep up her pretenses of being the worlds best mother.

Do you have any go-to phrases to write in cards to your mother?

Thank you again!

[Sarah girl]

My brother also gets away with so much more than me! He will be giving either just a card on special events, or sometimes nothing. If he sends her ANY gift its always really exciting, where my gift efforts are never up to standard! I.e., If i'm sending flowers- 'gee those flowers were a bit lacking I hope you didnt pay much!' or I send a nice scarf - 'oh I'm really not into blue or green!'

Yes! The flower thing is a constant issue. It doesn't matter how much I spend, I'm just asking for it if I send her flowers. My bouquets are either "wilted" or made up of "filler garbage" while my brother's are always the most gorgeous flowers she's ever seen. And as far as nice things go, two years ago I bought her a Coach bag (it cost a fortune) that she told me was totally sub-par.  

This Sunday I'm having her and my brother over for dinner. I called him yesterday and Mother's day hadn't even crossed his mind. He will come with flowers that she will love. She will rave about how awesome he is and how my food is giving her heartburn and then she will dash off. Same old. I'm used to it. This is why I'm going to keep things simple this year. There will be no fancy culinary creations, just straightforward food because either way, she will complain.

Just like you, card-writing has changed for me over the years. I used to write grandiose statements about her but nowadays I just keep things cordial. I buy more neutral cards and I only express well-wishes. For instance, I'll write something like "May you be blessed with happiness, good health & success and may you always be surrounded with love." I do not write about her as a mom or even any statements of gratitude because I don't want to be insincere. I truly do wish her well so I stick to that.

I do have a lot of gratitude for my own family - hubby and kids. I'd like to focus on that this year and try not to invest in the futile and exhausting fight to win mom's approval. I'll be glad when it's all over. Hope this helps.

[Notwendy]

I have dealt with the "gifts not being good enough" or finding something wrong with them thing. " the flowers were wilted" but realized I have no control over how my mother interprets things. For Mother's Day, I send her flowers with a short, brief, note "Happy Mother's Day, love... ." and our names without any emotional investment in how she reacts. I feel that at least on my part, I have sent something nice.

I actually prefer to do this than to send one of those "you are the best mom" cards. In fact, even reading mothers day cards is hard for me as they remind me that I really have no idea what it is like to have a mom like that, while other people do- ( they wouldn't make those cards if they didn't apply). I feel like I am someone from another culture or world reading them. "Mom, thank you for caring for me... ." I can't even relate to having a mom like that. So it is better that I don't go card shopping.

Gifts from my mother are also strange. She rarely sends me anything at all- birthdays, holidays. On the other hand, she has been extremely generous to my kids. One thing I noticed is that she tends to be generically extravagant, not recognizing that a gift is personal and representative of a relationship. For instance, she has sent a lovely piece of jewelry to my D, who clearly felt "special" when she got the gift. Then I learned that this is the same exact gift my mother sends to her nieces, friend's kids for holidays, graduations, etc.

I recall once at my graduation, watching my friends receive gifts from their parents and being sad that I did not even get a card from mine. My mother raged at me telling me to "Never expect a gift" and so, I don't expect anything from her. I have not received anything from years. To my surprise a while back, a gift appeared in the mail on a special occasion. I had no idea who sent it. When I opened the box, I saw it was from her- one of her generic gifts that she gives to acquaintances. I was surprised that I cried over getting a generic impersonal gift. Somehow I was more comfortable with not getting gifts from her.

So, I still give her gifts from the heart- but no more intimate than I can feel. I send flowers sincerely, because she is my mother. How she reacts to it, I can't control. But since I did if from a place of sincerity, at least I can feel good about it.