it's been NC for awhile—should it remain this way?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hey everyone, 

First, I've been reading through some of the mother's day posts and it's all super resonant for me—it's a tough day for me as well because I have an uBPD/some type of undiagnosed mood disorder mother. When I was younger up until I moved away for college, she would often give me the silent treatment for perceived slights (I actually do not remember most of what even triggered this). The only thing that would usually work in getting my mother to talk to me again when I was little: 1. apologize (often for something I did not do/wasn't sure what I did) or 2. make her laugh. So, as a kid I became pretty adept at being able to rely on jokes, etc. to get her to talk to me again.

Things got progressively worse once I became an adult. Her rage outs at me became nearly guaranteed every time I would visit home—again, many of the catalysts I have no memory of (I'm sure a result of trauma). The ones I do remember were cruelly focused on some of my perceived vulnerabilities. For example, I have a chronic health condition that requires me being very vigilant about the type of food I eat, otherwise I could go into anaphylactic shock. There have been a handful of times in recent memory when I've had to ask her if certain recipes contain any allergens, etc.—and she has gone totally off on me. I mean total rageout. She makes it all about her: ":)on't you think you know what I am DOING?" etc. I think as a result, I have suffered some type of PTSD and now feel wary about approaching people about taking care of my food needs (I acknowledge this is something I need to pro-actively get help for and take care of.) It sucks feeling like the person who is supposed to be out there protecting you cares more about her own sense of correctness over your safety. Ugh.

The final straw was when I had graduated from law school a couple years ago—and my parents flew out for it. A couple days before, my mother had another total meltdown because she thought my father (who I have a good relationship with, but he heavily enables my mother) and I were ignoring her. I ended up leaving them and walking home so she could calm down (she suggested that she go home and we continue to hang out). The next day, she acted as though nothing had happened and never apologized. I didn't say anything (I usually do, which triggers even further rage when someone calls her out on stuff) but wanted to try to save any semblance of peace for my graduation day.

Not saying anything ended up consuming me and it took everything I had to not react when she made comments during my graduation such as: "I don't really understand what all of this for, anyway" and when I finally did start to let my frustration show she said: "Wow, I really don't understand why you're reacting this way." (I've tried my best to move past this and have generally done so but as I am typing this, I realize that I still have residual anger.)

I also have a sister who is diagnosed BPD and she called me around the same time (not so much a coincidence) and unloaded on me how I leave her out and am generally a bad person, etc. Nothing at all about my law school graduation.

It took this situation to really wake me up because it was supposed to be one of the days that I should have been able to enjoy, but frankly: they ruined it. That summer, I ended up being depressed after what had happened and really let their manipulations get the best of me.

That was 2 years ago. It was one of the hardest things I had to do, but I made the very painful decision to cut contact with them. When I did, I wasn't thinking it'd be forever, but I know I had to just start and see what would happen in terms of duration. The saddest part is that I didn't even have to verbally say: "I'm no longer in contact with you." I simply didn't apologize or call them. And they never reached out to me (except my mother sends me 3 emails a year: my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas—and the ones she has sent includes how she wishes I would come home & I tell her not unless I'm guaranteed to be safe, and there is no response). Ouch. It all made me realize that I was holding up the dysfunctional relationships for a long time.

So—now it's the present. Whenever I go home, I either stay at a hotel or at a friend's house and basically just see my dad for lunch or something. I am wondering if eventually going LC would just be a mistake or something that's manageable or otherwise? The thought of being NC for the rest of my mother's life saddens me (same w/my sister, really) but I just don't know if I can do LC.

And what types of criteria in general need to be satisfied from a NC to LC situation? I truly think my mother and sister are incapable of having a direct conversation about boundaries. I suspect it may have to be issued one-sided by me in terms of what I'm not willing to put up with (e.g. any yelling/tantrums and I'm out).

I also resent that I cannot stay in my childhood home when I am back home because my mother is living there. I simultaneously feel bad typing it, but it is the truth. I don't want to stay at a hotel or a friend's house—but have in the past and will likely continue to do so because they are safer options for me.

Anyone else been in a similar situation/can offer some perspective? Particularly about NC to LC?

So grateful for you reading this and for this community as a whole. 

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Hey everyone, 

First, I've been reading through some of the mother's day posts and it's all super resonant for me—it's a tough day for me as well because I have an uBPD/some type of undiagnosed mood disorder mother. When I was younger up until I moved away for college, she would often give me the silent treatment for perceived slights (I actually do not remember most of what even triggered this). The only thing that would usually work in getting my mother to talk to me again when I was little: 1. apologize (often for something I did not do/wasn't sure what I did) or 2. make her laugh. So, as a kid I became pretty adept at being able to rely on jokes, etc. to get her to talk to me again.

Things got progressively worse once I became an adult. Her rage outs at me became nearly guaranteed every time I would visit home—again, many of the catalysts I have no memory of (I'm sure a result of trauma). The ones I do remember were cruelly focused on some of my perceived vulnerabilities. For example, I have a chronic health condition that requires me being very vigilant about the type of food I eat, otherwise I could go into anaphylactic shock. There have been a handful of times in recent memory when I've had to ask her if certain recipes contain any allergens, etc.—and she has gone totally off on me. I mean total rageout. She makes it all about her: ":)on't you think you know what I am DOING?" etc. I think as a result, I have suffered some type of PTSD and now feel wary about approaching people about taking care of my food needs (I acknowledge this is something I need to pro-actively get help for and take care of.) It sucks feeling like the person who is supposed to be out there protecting you cares more about her own sense of correctness over your safety. Ugh.

The final straw was when I had graduated from law school a couple years ago—and my parents flew out for it. A couple days before, my mother had another total meltdown because she thought my father (who I have a good relationship with, but he heavily enables my mother) and I were ignoring her. I ended up leaving them and walking home so she could calm down (she suggested that she go home and we continue to hang out). The next day, she acted as though nothing had happened and never apologized. I didn't say anything (I usually do, which triggers even further rage when someone calls her out on stuff) but wanted to try to save any semblance of peace for my graduation day.

Not saying anything ended up consuming me and it took everything I had to not react when she made comments during my graduation such as: "I don't really understand what all of this for, anyway" and when I finally did start to let my frustration show she said: "Wow, I really don't understand why you're reacting this way." (I've tried my best to move past this and have generally done so but as I am typing this, I realize that I still have residual anger.)

I also have a sister who is diagnosed BPD and she called me around the same time (not so much a coincidence) and unloaded on me how I leave her out and am generally a bad person, etc. Nothing at all about my law school graduation.

It took this situation to really wake me up because it was supposed to be one of the days that I should have been able to enjoy, but frankly: they ruined it. That summer, I ended up being depressed after what had happened and really let their manipulations get the best of me.

That was 2 years ago. It was one of the hardest things I had to do, but I made the very painful decision to cut contact with them. When I did, I wasn't thinking it'd be forever, but I know I had to just start and see what would happen in terms of duration. The saddest part is that I didn't even have to verbally say: "I'm no longer in contact with you." I simply didn't apologize or call them. And they never reached out to me (except my mother sends me 3 emails a year: my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas—and the ones she has sent includes how she wishes I would come home & I tell her not unless I'm guaranteed to be safe, and there is no response). Ouch. It all made me realize that I was holding up the dysfunctional relationships for a long time.

So—now it's the present. Whenever I go home, I either stay at a hotel or at a friend's house and basically just see my dad for lunch or something. I am wondering if eventually going LC would just be a mistake or something that's manageable or otherwise? The thought of being NC for the rest of my mother's life saddens me (same w/my sister, really) but I just don't know if I can do LC.

And what types of criteria in general need to be satisfied from a NC to LC situation? I truly think my mother and sister are incapable of having a direct conversation about boundaries. I suspect it may have to be issued one-sided by me in terms of what I'm not willing to put up with (e.g. any yelling/tantrums and I'm out).

I also resent that I cannot stay in my childhood home when I am back home because my mother is living there. I simultaneously feel bad typing it, but it is the truth. I don't want to stay at a hotel or a friend's house—but have in the past and will likely continue to do so because they are safer options for me.

Anyone else been in a similar situation/can offer some perspective? Particularly about NC to LC?

So grateful for you reading this and for this community as a whole. 

[Kwamina]

Hi ainteasybeinggreen

For example, I have a chronic health condition that requires me being very vigilant about the type of food I eat, otherwise I could go into anaphylactic shock. There have been a handful of times in recent memory when I've had to ask her if certain recipes contain any allergens, etc.—and she has gone totally off on me. I mean total rageout. She makes it all about her: ":)on't you think you know what I am DOING?" etc. I think as a result, I have suffered some type of PTSD and now feel wary about approaching people about taking care of my food needs (I acknowledge this is something I need to pro-actively get help for and take care of.) It sucks feeling like the person who is supposed to be out there protecting you cares more about her own sense of correctness over your safety. Ugh.

Dealing with health problems is difficult enough and it is very sad that your mother only made this worse for you. Many children of BPD parents find themselves dealing with (c)PTSD in their adult life as a result of the trauma they endured. We have a thread here about dealing with trauma that you might benefit from:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

I can relate very much to your experience of having your mother have a complete meltdown only to see her acting if nothing had happened at all the day day without making any sort of apology. My own uBPD mother has done the same to me several times. Also when I was a little child she made me apologize and say I 'was gonna be a good boy from now on', while she was the one that was exhibiting bad behavior. I however was not allowed to object and stand up for myself.

And what types of criteria in general need to be satisfied from a NC to LC situation? I truly think my mother and sister are incapable of having a direct conversation about boundaries. I suspect it may have to be issued one-sided by me in terms of what I'm not willing to put up with (e.g. any yelling/tantrums and I'm out).

You are currently NC and are considering what it would take to be LC. No matter how you move forward with your relationship with your mother and sister, setting and enforcing/defending boundaries will indeed be very important, whether you're NC or LC. Boundaries do not necessarily have to be verbally communicated, by changing your behavior and responses you can also signal your boundaries and what will happen when someone crosses them. Whether your mother and sister respect your boundaries or not, the most important thing is that you enforce/defend them. Perhaps you can benefit from this material about boundaries:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Examples of boundaries

Take care

[unicorn2014]

Thank you for your post. I just had to make the decision to block my mother's texts and calls today. I am healing from a wisdom tooth extraction so when I am healed I will consider unblocking her. I think you can assess where you are at in your life and whether or not you can afford having a relationship with her at this time.

[ainteasybeinggreen]

Thank you for the responses. I think one of the hardest things is also other people assuming most of the time that you have a great relationship with your mother/sister/family member.

I just had a friend text me: "happy mother's day to your mother"—he doesn't know the history of what I just described here. I try to pick my battles, but this doesn't seem like the best opportunity to explain my situation of what has gone down over text message.

In a society where estrangement is still regarded as taboo (I am deliberately not checking out my social media posts today to spare myself from the mother's day tributes)—I still find that to be one of the most difficult pieces.

[Naughty Nibbler]

ainteasybeinggree:

Sounds like a wise idea to stay away from social media today. I think all of us here have some family dysfunction to deal with.  If it's not Mother's Day, then it is some other day (s) that hits us hard.

I've grown to just accept the well wishes that don't apply to me. I may smile and say thank you, wish the person well, or I just don't respond.  The day is over before you know it.

Most emotionally healthy people are trying to be polite.  I figure why bring them down, by trying to clue them in to your reality.  Best to keep those things with therapists and places like this website, where we are likely to find understanding.

Do something fun for yourself today and try to reduce your stress in some way. 

[Amelia]

(I am deliberately not checking out my social media posts today to spare myself from the mother's day tributes)

I'm right there with you.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you for the responses. I think one of the hardest things is also other people assuming most of the time that you have a great relationship with your mother/sister/family member.

I just had a friend text me: "happy mother's day to your mother"—he doesn't know the history of what I just described here. I try to pick my battles, but this doesn't seem like the best opportunity to explain my situation of what has gone down over text message.

In a society where estrangement is still regarded as taboo (I am deliberately not checking out my social media posts today to spare myself from the mother's day tributes)—I still find that to be one of the most difficult pieces.

Hi. The only person who has ever asked about my parents is my ex FIL and he remembers them from my wedding. My mother liked my ex, my father did not. I've never had a problem with my ex FIL, unlike my ex MIL, and they are divorced.

The pain I feel is internal.

I really appreciate this board because I can come here and talk about the pain.

Thank you again for your post.