Happy Mother's day

[khibomsis]

Mother's Day went well. In the week my inner child came in the night and pictured little Khib plugged into the wall on a machine that delivered electric shocks at unpredictable intervals. She pictured my parents going out and leaving me/us plugged into the machine. I understood from this fully how her experience of maternal dysregulations was like. I did not even know I suffered from chronic anxiety until well into my middle age. It was just 'normal' for me. It is the state of not being anxious I learn anew, like a child, step by step with practice.

Anyway,  I called (I carefully live in another country from FOO) and uNBPD mom was actually pleasant. We chatted about inconsequential things - to my surprise - and just when I was thinking 'am I being split white again?' (wondering perhaps if this was the substance of my dream, because of course being split white is made truly uncomfortable by waiting for the shift to black ) she handed the phone over to my dad and said 'tell her'. It turned out her cousin's wife was dead. Somebody she had grown up with. So now, says dad, she wants to rewrite her will. 'Oh', I said, to the sound of mental pennies dropping 'that is a good idea'. With the scene littered with emotional casualties everywhere, I have long ago made my peace with the material stuff. I will not be surprised to hear she has left everything to a lesbian cat home.

Well, to all of you who still have a mother to wish; to the ones going through the 'should I,shouldn't I call/visit/buy a present/ spend the money on therapy instead"; to the ones who have learnt to live with the grief of the mother you never had; and to the ones whose grief is still fresh and sharp, HAVE A HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! I hope you are remothering your inner child in peace and quiet, and that you find within yourself the love you never had in your FOO.

Here's one for you:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btOP3URYQfA&index=1&list=RDbtOP3URYQfA 

      , khib

[Panda39]

I was thinking about Mother's Day for my SO's daughters and how difficult it is for them... .even though they won't show it.  All those media messages and facebook posts about marvelous mothers are not their reality.  They have an uBPDmom who has successfully alienated both of them with her actions. 

Two days ago mom called the youngest and told her she was "sorry" for something that happened almost a year ago.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=278908.0

Was there a sudden revelation that what she did was hurtful or wrong?  No... .Mother's Day was 2 days away and she wanted to play "mother" for the day and take credit for her wonderful daughters and who they are.  This is the woman who has created pain and chaos that has deeply wounded her children.   There is some phone contact and some emailing but the girls have been burned so badly that both by choice haven't seen their mother (except very briefly) in the last year.

Mother's Day will be spent with their dad who these days is both Mother and Father to his children.  My hope is that they are able to get through the day together without the girls feeling the tug of the FOG that will surely threaten to envelop them. 

I'm with khibomis... .to the children of BPDmoms have a FOG free day and take care of yourself.   

You are not alone www.nextavenue.org/estranged-narcissistic-mom/

Panda39

[khibomsis]

Three cheers, Panda! That should be my motto for the next year. Every day a FOG free day! , khib

[Kwamina]

Hi khibomsis

I hope you are remothering your inner child in peace and quiet, and that you find within yourself the love you never had in your FOO.

Here's one for you:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btOP3URYQfA&index=1&list=RDbtOP3URYQfA  

      , khib

A belated thank you for this post and your kind words for all the children of BPD mothers  

I am glad Mother's Day went well for you.

In the week my inner child came in the night and pictured little Khib plugged into the wall on a machine that delivered electric shocks at unpredictable intervals. She pictured my parents going out and leaving me/us plugged into the machine. I understood from this fully how her experience of maternal dysregulations was like. I did not even know I suffered from chronic anxiety until well into my middle age. It was just 'normal' for me. It is the state of not being anxious I learn anew, like a child, step by step with practice.

This dream does indeed seem to have a deeper meaning. I can imagine that it could have been quite unsettling for you to see little Khib like this. Have you ever had any dreams like this before?

What has helped you deal with your anxiety and helped you get on the way to that state of not being anxious?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[khibomsis]

Dear Kwamina, thanks for asking!Am a researcher by profession and have always thought the key to knowledge is asking the right questions.

I haven't had dreams like this in a long time. Had repressed memories come back at 37 and used to have dreams like this all the time. The dreams  drove me to suicidal depression which took me into therapy. Did a lot of inner child work then, eventually came to the realization that I have to remother myself. Which I did, going back to each memory break and reknitting my identity. After ten years in therapy (with a few breaks in between), I thought I was done. Except that one never really is done healing I guess?

When diagnosed I completely reorganized my life to be less stressful and more fulfilling. I spend lots of time playing with my inner children. When I garden or play with music/colour I am completely happy and at peace. Have a sweet partner who understands my need for infinite cuddling.

About the dream, I think my inner child was trying to warn me. What has been happening a lot lately is that the saner I get the more I am horrified at how completely insane my life in relation to my FOO is. I call it 'horrified hindsight'. What I mean is that as long as it was 'normal' to me it didn't seem so bad. Now that the insanity is denormalized I realize how bad it is/was.Does that make sense?

I have started to have glimpses of what it could be like not to dread Mother's Day. I have friends who call their mother often, because they want to. They even look forward to it. I know people who have never had to ask themselves 'does my mother really love me?' And no, I don't think she does. Or at least only as a three year old child can love anyone, i.e. narcissistically. Anyway, am getting off topic.

As I experience periods of peace the periods of anxiety seem worse because now I have something to compare it to As I write this I know it sounds cracked but that's BPD land for you

So I read the dream as : "See how they keep you in anxiety even when they are not around?"Think of it as my inner child making me wise. Remothering myself with all the love I am capable of is letting my inner children grow up safely. Will stop now because I seem to be getting more obscure the more I write. , khib

[Kwamina]

Dear Kwamina, thanks for asking!Am a researcher by profession and have always thought the key to knowledge is asking the right questions.

I like the way you think! I am a researcher too

I haven't had dreams like this in a long time.

Do you feel like these recent dreams might have been triggered by anything in particular? Like the situation with your BPD niece and also everything that's going on with your other niece?

What has been happening a lot lately is that the saner I get the more I am horrified at how completely insane my life in relation to my FOO is. I call it 'horrified hindsight'. What I mean is that as long as it was 'normal' to me it didn't seem so bad. Now that the insanity is denormalized I realize how bad it is/was.Does that make sense?

This makes perfect sense to me! I have often felt like I have awakened from a nightmare only to come to the realization that I am living in a nightmare. One example I often think about is my older sister running down the stairs, through the living room into the kitchen screaming that now she's really going to cut her wrists. At the time I was sitting on the couch watching television, I was still very young, 5 or 6 I think. When I think of this, it's like I see a little movie playing in my head. I had gotten so used to these types of extreme behavior that they did not even really shock me anymore because growing up this was 'normal'. Now looking back I am shocked that I wasn't shocked more back then because threatening to kill yourself (with a little kid sitting on the couch), really isn't normal at all. It's extreme behavior which can severely traumatize children. Unfortunately for people with BPD, these types of extreme behavior often are 'normal'.

I know people who have never had to ask themselves 'does my mother really love me?' And no, I don't think she does. Or at least only as a three year old child can love anyone, i.e. narcissistically. Anyway, am getting off topic.

Love and BPD is difficult. Perhaps a way to look at it is that people with BPD love to the best of their ability. As a result of the disorder, this ability of our BPD family-members is limited though. This does not necessarily mean that they do not love us, but it unfortunately does mean that as a result of their disorder they might not be able to (consistently) express their love in a loving manner. The way they love might not feel like love at all.

As I experience periods of peace the periods of anxiety seem worse because now I have something to compare it to As I write this I know it sounds cracked but that's BPD land for you

So I read the dream as : "See how they keep you in anxiety even when they are not around?"Think of it as my inner child making me wise. Remothering myself with all the love I am capable of is letting my inner children grow up safely. Will stop now because I seem to be getting more obscure the more I write. , khib

I think this makes sense too. Growing up we only have one perspective, that from within our FOO. Now that you are an adult and have learned to look at your FOO and past with new eyes, you are able to look at things as an outsider looking in. Before things might have felt unpleasant, but it was still all you were used to and what indeed was 'normal'. Everything is relative and once you have new reference points your perspective on and perception of 'normalcy' can change.

[khibomsis]

Hey, Kwamina, another researcher! That explains the extreme sense of your comments 

I am so sorry you had to grow up like that. It must have been very hard for you. Of course it was bound to leave deep emotional woulds, most especially to your sense of security and safety. Here's a hug for little Kwamina

"I have often felt like I have awakened from a nightmare only to come to the realization that I am living in a nightmare." That's it exactly. You wish you could go back to sleep because reality is worse.So glad somebody understands!

I actually spent today wondering if the dream was a repressed memory. A  bit difficult when one's grip on childhood memories is somewhat tenuous. Up to 37 I honestly thought that nobody remembers anything before the age of five. It was quite a surprise to discover that I was the odd one. But I don't think my parents hooked me up to an electric shock machine Apart from the rages, the abuse could best be described as neglect and emotional unavailability with the odd bit of emotional incest thrown in. There is something very passive aggressive about narcissism since the message it sends is that it is never about you and therefore you are not important. But uNBPD mom was not actively sadistic and dad would not have enabled physical violence.

The love thing is important to me only  because I wonder what it does to a child to never be quite sure. I mean, I don't think I was real enough to my mom to make maternal love possible. I simply did not have an identity apart from hers. The adult me can make my peace with this. But I think for a child that makes it extremely difficult to develop healthy self-esteem. Since we model our idea of love on what is modeled to us.

Indeed you are right, it is the recent diagnosis of BPD niece (15) that has thrown me for a loop. Other niece has been suicidal for about 18 mths, since her parents refused to go with her to therapy it was pretty much a given that she would not improve.   It has been a couple of turbulent years, I really think my mom is getting worse as she ages  and her grip on reality ever looser. In the midst of the NBPD it can be hard to spot creeping dementia - although she has been so odd for years it might not be possible to notice the difference... .

It used to heal my inner child to feel that what happened to me would not happen again. It helped me make my peace with the past. Ended up fostering six to please little Khib and absolutely no regrets. But the thought that this tragedy is not going to end with my generation, that my sane nieces and nephews are going to be stuck with such a burden for their lifetime depressed the heck out of me. Triggered my PTSD big time. It is only now that I am starting to come out of the funk.  (BPD niece is still trying to bull---t therapist and refuses RTC) . So that's how I finally shall think of the dream. Parents go out but the pain and anxiety still remains with me. At 78 and 79 they do not have far to go. But oh my heart breaks for the little niece I remember - before she became my mom.

Staying relentlessly positive we are watching the youngest three (5 and 7) like hawks. They are getting so much attention and boundary policing they don't know what is happened. And the least sign of dysregulation gets picked up on and dealt with. So there's hope yet. Thanks for understanding!  , Khib