Sharing too much with people...

[Herodias]

I spent the day at my Mother's. We ended up talking about my ex. They have seen him in action, so know what I went through to a point. He was really not very nice to them the last time they were with him. My step father remembers my ex saying it will be nice to have them out of the house(he practically forced them out and over to my sisters) so he could have some space... .when they were visiting from out of state! Awful! I ended up telling them a few stories that were really traumatic to me. We discussed how he may have eventually ended up killing me. The judge told me that and one of the police officers told me that it was time for a divorce. It just made me cry for what I went through. I am kind of sad now... .I think it's good to get things out though. As my step father said, you never know what people go through unless they have lived in their shoes. There are people  I feel judge me because I am not moving on from this very easily and it upsets me. I have to stop talking about my ex somehow... .My family understands and you all understand... .How do you just stop talking about things? I feel like I set a goal every week to pretend nothing is bothering me and then someone will ask and I am always honest. I suppose they don't even care, they are being polite... .this may have to do with boundaries... .but anyone else have this problem? Sharing too much with people?

[Hadlee]

If I had a dollar for every time I told my story then I would be a very, very wealthy woman.  My poor friends, I talked their ears off, especially my closest friend.  She was and is an incredible friend and huge support.

I think I talked myself out in the end, to be honest.  I had became so exhausted with everything, and talking about things over and over again drained me even more.  The day came when I woke and and said enough is enough, I can't keep wasting my energy on rehashing the horror story that was my relationship.  So I made a commitment to myself... .to stop.  And I did.  The difference it has made has been enormous.  It sped up my healing ten fold.

The time will come for you too, Blue.  You will wake up one day and be over it.  That's the day you give yourself another pat on the back and acknowledge what a wonderful woman you really are  

[JerryRG]

I agree busygall

I was so obsessed and telling my stories, people have warned me to let things go. I don't say much to family and friends anymore because they really don't know what to say because they don't understand pwBPD either.

I ask and discuss most of my questions here in these forums because you all know exactly what I'm dealing with.

It is true I think too much about my exgf and my son and just need to release them and pray my son is well.

Don't beat yourself up Blue, it takes time and I'm only beginning the journey. Be kind to yourself in every way including not dwelling on the pain pwBPD dished out to us.

Kick em out of everything including our thoughts

[Sunfl0wer]

I wanted to ruminate over events in the relationship much more than any one person wanted to hear.  I could see their attention shift as I spoke and while I had a strong need to share, I resisted it to not compromise the balance of some friendships.

I satisfied this desire by sharing bits and pieces with different people and spreading the sharing around.  Sharing here helped greatly.  Reading similar stories here, and just seeing what I went through helped me not need to share sometimes.  Journaling helped.  Listening to healing books helped.  Therapy. Engaging in self care especially exercising helped me be more aware and appreciate my physical presence in this world. Sometimes I asked a friend or two if they would mind me emailing my story and sharing.  Emailing a friend was way different then a phone conversation because I could edit the details and communicate more accurately and sit with the info a bit, and get deeper into my thoughts, which I think I needed to do.  Emailing also helped me to process it all better.  I am grateful for the kindness of the friends that allowed this and for them responding an understanding way.  Sharing my story to help another also helped, even when it is bits at a time.

Like busygall, I too got to a point where I got exhausted from sharing.

I read around here and it seems many of us are drawn to rehash our story as a way to ween off the drama rush we experienced in our relationships.

At some point sharing my story no longer felt satisfying and I was left just kind of without direction.  

While the urge to ruminate over the relationship has been gone from my daily life for many months... .

This is a place I am still sorting out: I still have no strong pull in any direction and thus have to generate pull or simply appreciate the peace in making a direction of my focus, attention, and actions.

I want to add... .

Sometimes I feel compelled to share as if triggered and I have trouble moving past the trigger.  I suspect many of us feel this way.  This to me feels different than regular need for sharing... .idk.  For example: If a song comes on, I am with someone, I want to simply share that correlation because I am brought back to a time and not really present.  So to share and move on feels good at that moment.  

Also, one friend that I emailed, I let know I was feeling loving and wanted to memorialize the good things, would he mind me sharing.  He did not mind.  He allowed me to send him photos and such of my vacation with ex and let me express the things I loved and such.  I really needed this and when I was done doing that, I felt quite satiated for that aspect.  

Idk, I guess my point is that this is a grieving process and you can get creative maybe in how you share to not wear anyone out?

[drummerboy5]

If I had a dollar for every time I told my story then I would be a very, very wealthy woman.  My poor friends, I talked their ears off, especially my closest friend.  She was and is an incredible friend and huge support.

I think I talked myself out in the end, to be honest.  I had became so exhausted with everything, and talking about things over and over again drained me even more.  The day came when I woke and and said enough is enough, I can't keep wasting my energy on rehashing the horror story that was my relationship.  So I made a commitment to myself... .to stop.  And I did.  The difference it has made has been enormous.  It sped up my healing ten fold.

The time will come for you too, Blue.  You will wake up one day and be over it.  That's the day you give yourself another pat on the back and acknowledge what a wonderful woman you really are  

I think my friends get tired of me talking about my exBPD/npd but I needed to vent, but now I have all of you on the forums

[Hadlee]

If I had a dollar for every time I told my story then I would be a very, very wealthy woman.  My poor friends, I talked their ears off, especially my closest friend.  She was and is an incredible friend and huge support.

I think I talked myself out in the end, to be honest.  I had became so exhausted with everything, and talking about things over and over again drained me even more.  The day came when I woke and and said enough is enough, I can't keep wasting my energy on rehashing the horror story that was my relationship.  So I made a commitment to myself... .to stop.  And I did.  The difference it has made has been enormous.  It sped up my healing ten fold.

The time will come for you too, Blue.  You will wake up one day and be over it.  That's the day you give yourself another pat on the back and acknowledge what a wonderful woman you really are  

I think my friends get tired of me talking about my exBPD/npd but I needed to vent, but now I have all of you on the forums

You sure do, drummerboy5

And I just noticed my typos   That's what happens when you haven't had much sleep haha

[balletomane]

The only people who know the full story of my relationship are posters on here and friends from another forum (not related to BPD). It's been easier for me to tell the story online, because if I tried to tell it in person I risked crumbling and crying, and I don't just mean a few tears, I mean really breaking down. Sometimes tears would leak out of my eyes at work or as I was going down the street, and I had so much work to do at the time, I needed to hold it together. So I saved my story for when I was at home alone and I let it out on the Internet. Then it didn't matter if I was a blubbering wreck. There was nobody to see.

I told two real life friends the partial story. The whole thing was too painful and I felt like I didn't want to let my ex into those friendships - telling them every gory detail would have felt like installing him in their apartments, so I'd run into the memory of him whenever I went round to visit. I just told them enough for them to know that I was hurting, and why. But from time to time I would mention that I was still upset over it, and they got puzzled and a bit exasperated (perhaps understandably, as they didn't know how bad it had been). One of them told me openly it was time for me to let go and move on. The other was more sympathetic, but said the same thing in softer language - he suggested I try dating a few people casually to hurry along the healing process. That maybe helps when you've had a normal breakup, but not in this case. So I stopped updating them on my feelings as they didn't get why I was still so upset.

[JerryRG]

I just got out of an AA meeting and unloaded my anger with a couple of my friends, do I feel better? Kinda but these guys have not dealt with BPD so they just stand there mouths wide open in awe and I can tell they are thinking "poor idiot, thank God I'm not him"

Seriously though, I danced with the devil and there's a price to pay. I've paid all I'm going to and never going back again.

Keep getting well people

[greenmonkey]

I think everyone processes their hurt and anger in different ways.

Initially about 18 months ago it was all I could talk about, 24/7 my head was such a mess, no understanding, how could I treated like that ? and all those things. I created a online private blog which I spewed out my thoughts when ever I needed to. I leant on friends and just I believe over time the amount of recounting over what happened, the odd behaviours etc, I got to the point where I bored myself with it.

When I got to that point, I stopped talking about the uBPDexgf, she is mentioned now in passing as reference to x y z then move on quickly from that.

It took a very long time to get there, just as healing and recovering and learning to pick up red flags when you see them, reinforcing boundaries etc and moving forward positively with life.

You cannot rush the process, it will happen in its own time and when you reach the end of it you are much happier person. Be Patient that is all I can say

[strongerthanU]

Over the years my family and closest friends have been aware of the many struggles I've endured and because I wanted my children to be stronger than I felt, I always encouraged them to assert on their own behalf because others wouldn't. There came a point when I realized I had shared too much with family because at that time none of us were aware of what BPD was and my sharing created extreme dislike of my h from family members. That of course wasn't my intent I just felt that overwhelmed and confused by the strange behaviors and cruel way he treated me. Recently a very close friend made a reference to her own painful life by suggesting she had to quit bleeding all over her close friends or she wouldn't have any pretty soon. That statement just stuck hard for me and I recognized that all I have been consistent with over these many years was to seek counsel and then bleed on people! I hated that there has never been an obvious change in my circumstances and it dawned on me there would never be one if I didn't decide to create one. So as horrific as it has felt I have stepped outside and am proceeding with making a new life.

[christine8989]

Wow, there is such truth to this. It's something that's so hard to learn. I've always been a big talker and venter and I tend to overthink things. Which turns into this big cycle.

Then I married someone with a super dysfunctional family where there's always something going on. I'm learning to not overshare about this family's problems. Or to vent and talk about them all the time (even if there's always something).

That's why I love these forums you can talk and chat and not feel weird or as though you're draining someone. It's hard when you're an open book person. I don't want to burden people with my problems because everyone has them. And as I you get older you learn people's problems become more and more serious. Journaling has helped as it gets my emotions out I think I might start to keep it me 24/7.

How do you all learn to get past the issues and not overthink everything and every interaction?

[hergestridge]

During my 20 yr rs with a BPD woman I never talked to anyone about the trouble I (we) had. That what mostly because I felt I should be loyal to my wife. After we broke up I have talked to very few people about what my wife and her illness or the way I suffered.

I have mentioned it to a couple of close friends but only briefly. At least one of them was shocked.

I dated a girl last fall and for some reason I felt obliged to tell her the whole story very early on. I felt terrible about that, but we stuck together and we're getting married later this summer.

The reason I don't want to talk a lot about my BPD rs is that I don't want to bother people. That is how I grew up. When I asked my dad for help. love and support I felt that I bothered him. When I talked with my exwife about my feelings she also seemed... .bothered!

Now I think it is scary that I am this way. I could very well take a terrible secret into the grave because I hate to bother people. I tend to diminish past events in life that has been both defining and traumatic. It is only recently that I have admitted to myself that I was both physically and psychologically abused as a kid. I have admitted that I was afraid of dying when I was five and that my fears were basically grounded in reality.

The way you see things can change fundamentally when you tell your story to someone else. If you can't, you don't know what you have been through.

At my workplace I sometimes observe my female co-workers and the way they share details about their private lives. How they tell their friends about something and how they get asked for daily/weekly updates. As a male this is something I look at with envy. When my world fell apart I told no one. My wife's infidelity and my wife's hospitalization was incredibly traumatic to me. At one point I talked to my boss at work. I sat and cried in front of this woman I know briefly, explaining that I can't talk to anyone close to me about it because and I just couldn't explain why.

I couldn't get a perspective on what was going on my in life because I didn't talk about it. Oversharing is much better to be honest. It would have saved years of my life that I wasted. In the end it was medics and paramedics that treated my wife that told me flat out; "You and your daughter shouldn't have to put up with this. Are you really OK?".

So oversharing would have been better while I was in the relationship. But on the other hand I think it has been good thing to be a non-sharer after we broke up. I just wanted nothing to do with her again. I felt I had done my best and more to that. It was such a relief that she was out my life, just talking about things felt like she was back in my life.

My new girlfriend initially thought I was obsessed by my exwife, but I had to explain to her that it's just a long and weird story to tell. I don't want to mention her ever again except when strictly necessary.

My wife even offered me "closure". She wanted to meet and talk a few months after we broke up. I declined and said I wasn't interested. I would feel much better not talking about it, being without her.

I come here and post. It's like a safe haven where I can articulate my experiences without feeling that I bother someone.

[WoundedBibi]

During my 20 yr rs with a BPD woman I never talked to anyone about the trouble I (we) had. That what mostly because I felt I should be loyal to my wife. After we broke up I have talked to very few people about what my wife and her illness or the way I suffered.

I have mentioned it to a couple of close friends but only briefly. At least one of them was shocked.

I dated a girl last fall and for some reason I felt obliged to tell her the whole story very early on. I felt terrible about that, but we stuck together and we're getting married later this summer.

The reason I don't want to talk a lot about my BPD rs is that I don't want to bother people. That is how I grew up. When I asked my dad for help. love and support I felt that I bothered him. When I talked with my exwife about my feelings she also seemed... .bothered!

Now I think it is scary that I am this way. I could very well take a terrible secret into the grave because I hate to bother people. I tend to diminish past events in life that has been both defining and traumatic. It is only recently that I have admitted to myself that I was both physically and psychologically abused as a kid. I have admitted that I was afraid of dying when I was five and that my fears were basically grounded in reality.

The way you see things can change fundamentally when you tell your story to someone else. If you can't, you don't know what you have been through.

At my workplace I sometimes observe my female co-workers and the way they share details about their private lives. How they tell their friends about something and how they get asked for daily/weekly updates. As a male this is something I look at with envy. When my world fell apart I told no one. My wife's infidelity and my wife's hospitalization was incredibly traumatic to me. At one point I talked to my boss at work. I sat and cried in front of this woman I know briefly, explaining that I can't talk to anyone close to me about it because and I just couldn't explain why.

I couldn't get a perspective on what was going on my in life because I didn't talk about it. Oversharing is much better to be honest. It would have saved years of my life that I wasted. In the end it was medics and paramedics that treated my wife that told me flat out; "You and your daughter shouldn't have to put up with this. Are you really OK?".

So oversharing would have been better while I was in the relationship. But on the other hand I think it has been good thing to be a non-sharer after we broke up. I just wanted nothing to do with her again. I felt I had done my best and more to that. It was such a relief that she was out my life, just talking about things felt like she was back in my life.

My new girlfriend initially thought I was obsessed by my exwife, but I had to explain to her that it's just a long and weird story to tell. I don't want to mention her ever again except when strictly necessary.

My wife even offered me "closure". She wanted to meet and talk a few months after we broke up. I declined and said I wasn't interested. I would feel much better not talking about it, being without her.

I come here and post. It's like a safe haven where I can articulate my experiences without feeling that I bother someone.

How wonderful you've found someone again after your experience and are getting married! 

What you write does make me wonder though; how do you get past a traumatic experience properly if you don't talk about it? Have you been in therapy? As a child of severely traumatized parents I can tell you that the 'old school way' of not talking about something doesn't make things go away.

[hergestridge]

During my 20 yr rs with a BPD woman I never talked to anyone about the trouble I (we) had. That what mostly because I felt I should be loyal to my wife. After we broke up I have talked to very few people about what my wife and her illness or the way I suffered.

I have mentioned it to a couple of close friends but only briefly. At least one of them was shocked.

I dated a girl last fall and for some reason I felt obliged to tell her the whole story very early on. I felt terrible about that, but we stuck together and we're getting married later this summer.

The reason I don't want to talk a lot about my BPD rs is that I don't want to bother people. That is how I grew up. When I asked my dad for help. love and support I felt that I bothered him. When I talked with my exwife about my feelings she also seemed... .bothered!

Now I think it is scary that I am this way. I could very well take a terrible secret into the grave because I hate to bother people. I tend to diminish past events in life that has been both defining and traumatic. It is only recently that I have admitted to myself that I was both physically and psychologically abused as a kid. I have admitted that I was afraid of dying when I was five and that my fears were basically grounded in reality.

The way you see things can change fundamentally when you tell your story to someone else. If you can't, you don't know what you have been through.

At my workplace I sometimes observe my female co-workers and the way they share details about their private lives. How they tell their friends about something and how they get asked for daily/weekly updates. As a male this is something I look at with envy. When my world fell apart I told no one. My wife's infidelity and my wife's hospitalization was incredibly traumatic to me. At one point I talked to my boss at work. I sat and cried in front of this woman I know briefly, explaining that I can't talk to anyone close to me about it because and I just couldn't explain why.

I couldn't get a perspective on what was going on my in life because I didn't talk about it. Oversharing is much better to be honest. It would have saved years of my life that I wasted. In the end it was medics and paramedics that treated my wife that told me flat out; "You and your daughter shouldn't have to put up with this. Are you really OK?".

So oversharing would have been better while I was in the relationship. But on the other hand I think it has been good thing to be a non-sharer after we broke up. I just wanted nothing to do with her again. I felt I had done my best and more to that. It was such a relief that she was out my life, just talking about things felt like she was back in my life.

My new girlfriend initially thought I was obsessed by my exwife, but I had to explain to her that it's just a long and weird story to tell. I don't want to mention her ever again except when strictly necessary.

My wife even offered me "closure". She wanted to meet and talk a few months after we broke up. I declined and said I wasn't interested. I would feel much better not talking about it, being without her.

I come here and post. It's like a safe haven where I can articulate my experiences without feeling that I bother someone.

How wonderful you've found someone again after your experience and are getting married! 

What you write does make me wonder though; how do you get past a traumatic experience properly if you don't talk about it? Have you been in therapy? As a child of severely traumatized parents I can tell you that the 'old school way' of not talking about something doesn't make things go away.

That's a good question and I'm not sure I have a good answer. A couple of years before I split up with my wife I basically decided that it was over but I couldn't leave her for various reasons. So I had time to detach while we were still together. I stopped walking on eggshells and that killed our relationship.

My new girlfriend encourages me to go and see someone to talk about my experiences. I'm not negative, but I feel it's like rolling a stone up a hill. What I spend the first ten sessions telling my story and then I get some useless advice? How can I trust someone that is just a pro, that doesn't really care? Plus I know I'm very opinionated in the fields of psyhcology and treatment, so the therapist would most likely feel questioned and threatened.

I know that I wouldn't buy those arguments and worries from someone else. I don't blame anyone for thinking that I am obnoxious and beyond help, because that is secretly how I feel about myself. The more I write and think about this the more complicated it gets.

Why don't I talk about it? I guess it boils down to not taking up space. Again. Self-hate. I should shape up, get myself together and stop complaining. :/