My mother may have BPD

[Gigi Kat]

I've known something was not right with my mother since I was 12, but it was recently suggested to me that it might be BPD. I just want to understand more about it and connect with people raised by BPD parents.

I'm 38 and currently estranged from my mother. She cut me out of her life because I brought up a serious issue that needed to be dealt with. Silly me, I thought we could talk like rational adults. I've since been told through the grapevine that if I apologize and recant everything I said, I might be welcomed back. She called me a "psycho-b___", and accused me of trying to ruin her life, all for calmly telling her something my children had reported to me about her youngest daughter (adopted). My mother has turned two of my siblings totally against me, and is working constantly to get the others to stop speaking to me.

My childhood was extremely strange. I just though she was odd. But this episode has made me realize it is probably deeper. I don't really know what I hope to get out of this. Maybe just to feel that I'm not crazy. Or alone.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Gigi Kat and welcome to BPD familiy.   You have definitely come to the right place. You find you are neither alone nor crazy. I have found it really helpful to start reading others stories and also some of the recommended reading material on the site. I hope you find this place to be a source of solace and comfort. 

[Gigi Kat]

Thanks. Reading some other people's stories has definitely made me realize I am not crazy for thinking she probably has undiagnosed BPD.

When I was a kid and she would do things that were over the top, my dad would try to apologize for her saying that it was not her fault because she had been through so much trauma with her own family (which is very true.) But my question was always why she hadn't sought professional help, rather than continue a destructive cycle with her own family? I certainly see the damage that my upbringing has done to me, and I am getting help.

Today, after 10 MONTHS of completely shutting m out of her life, bad-mouthing me and my husband to everyone, and doing some downright wicked things to try to sabotage our reputations, she sent me an email. I got it 2 minutes after I posted on this site. It feels like she has some kind of sick sixth sense. It said she was "thinking of me" yesterday on Mother's Day and asked me how my (very complicated) adoption process was going. I don't intend to reply. I feel certain that she is either fishing for information (this is a huge part of her personality. She is an information addict. She is on Facebook stalking people she doesn't like for hours) or she's going to throw in the huge bomb that she's ill if I reply. I have heard from one of my sisters that she has a growth on her ovary that must be removed. I just can't handle this.

A lot of people would be saying, "But she's your mother! She's not well!" But they have no idea what she's done to me, or my poor children. And I can't walk into that lion's den again. I'm truly sorry she's sick. And I will always love her. But my 10 year old is still a sobbing mess over our last encounter with her. So I can't allow guilt to drive me back into contact with her. But I guess on some level I do feel guilty or I wouldn't be sitting in my bed in my PJs at 1;15pm typing this instead of getting on with life.

[Amelia]

Good morning Gigicat,

You're not crazy, or alone. I also have recently come to the realization that my mother is undiagnosed BPD. It's such a relief to discover a whole community of people who can relate to your upbringing in such profound ways.

I'm sorry you're going through this with your mother. I'm also estranged from my mother after I tried to set some reasonable boundaries about our communication and her relationship with my son, who is 6. She said I was cruel and that I shouldn't call her mom anymore.

How long have you been estranged from your mother? Have you sought therapy to help you understand what is going on?

This is a wonderful community and I'm glad you've found it, as well!

Hugs.