Enmeshment with your inner child

[Sunfl0wer]

Ok my title is part comedy and part reality and a bit of a reminder to myself.

I was doing this stuff a few weeks ago or so where I had a Big Me accompany and hang out with lil me and offer all the wisdom and support lil me wanted and needed.

So somewhere as the weeks passed, I forgot that I was doing this work and how helpful it is.

I am sitting here now and having emotional flashbacks to being a teen me and it just occurred to me, 'Where did Big Me go?' 

As I sat here I amused myself thinking Big Me actually is here, however, she is actually being irresponsible atm and while she should be going off to do adult responsibilities, she is hanging out with teen me.  Yikes!

Have I enmeshed with my teen me? Lol!

Hopefully bringing this to light will help hold Big Me accountable and remind Big Me to join the other inner children and guide this flock of otherwise feral children!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey sunflower, I think it's great to nurture the child within, but I don't look to that child to make adult decisions for me.  My BPDxW was an emotional child, ruled by a tyrannical lil me, which is no way to live, in my view.

LuckyJim

P.S.  Love that quote by Anais Nin!

[Sunfl0wer]

Thanks for the reply Lucky Jim!

I am not sure where I picked up this concept of inner child work, however, I am referring to a Big Me as the responsible me and a 'lil me' and a 'teen me' as an inner child.

Big Me is not an inner child.  Big Me is the me that is supposed to be there to guide, nurture and care for my inner child(ren.)

I suppose I am wanting to remind Big Me to do her job and maintain the focus of a Big Me.  It is not good to let kids or teens be in charge when there are adult responsibilities to manage.

Interesting connection to BPD.  I imagine they are often enmeshed with their inner child. 

[doubleAries]

OK, this title definitely cracked me up--and alarmed me as well!

My "inner child" work is pretty new. And for a bit there, I was getting confused by the cast of characters, and was also feeling sorry for lil me who never got any attention (as a kid or an adult) and letting her make decisions that where, uh, well, pretty childish.

[Lucky Jim]

I suppose I am wanting to remind Big Me to do her job and maintain the focus of a Big Me.  It is not good to let kids or teens be in charge when there are adult responsibilities to manage.

Agree w/that, SunflOwer.  Right, you could say that those w/BPD experience transient episodes when their inner child is in charge and Big Me disappears, during which periods they lack the ability to regulate their emotions -- the hallmark of BPD.

LuckyJim

[Rubies]

Actually hanging out with teenagers is fun until you discover you're supposed to be the adult, then stuff gets real.     Nurturing my Inner Child while nurturing my teen through her recovery included lots of laughter, lots of activities, lots of growing and learning from each other.   It's nice when your Outer Child provides backup for your Inner Child because you provide backup for her and her Inner Child.  I think we raised two fine adults.

The BPDs in our lives are like petulant toddlers.   Both DD and I choose NC or LC with them.  Or they choose NC because they don't like our boundaries, know they cannot behave, know boundaries will be enforced and they will not like it.   Works for us.

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks for the reply Lucky Jim!

I am not sure where I picked up this concept of inner child work, however, I am referring to a Big Me as the responsible me and a 'lil me' and a 'teen me' as an inner child.

Big Me is not an inner child.  Big Me is the me that is supposed to be there to guide, nurture and care for my inner child(ren.)

I suppose I am wanting to remind Big Me to do her job and maintain the focus of a Big Me.  It is not good to let kids or teens be in charge when there are adult responsibilities to manage.

Interesting connection to BPD.  I imagine they are often enmeshed with their inner child.  

My exBPD partner was in therapy in the last year of our r/s. She and her therapist immediately began discussing what they called her "parts of self" - Little M, teenage M, and adult M. My ex was very fragmented, however - these were almost distinct personalities with observable differences in behavior and values.

This was what was so confusing in the r/s - at the halfway point she morphed into "someone else" that I couldn't recognize. What was really happening is that Little M was in the lead for a while, but then teen M took over. Little M was childlike, anxious and clingy - but teen M was older, passive aggressive and had no morals. She began lying and sleeping around - and I was left feeling like someone hit me over the head with a hammer. I saw adult M sometimes - but she never stuck around for very long.

In hindsight I can't believe that it took me so long to recognize these distinct "parts of self."  If I saw her today and we spoke for a little while, I'm sure I'd be able to figure out who was in the lead pretty quickly.

[Sunfl0wer]

I suppose I am wanting to remind Big Me to do her job and maintain the focus of a Big Me.  It is not good to let kids or teens be in charge when there are adult responsibilities to manage.

Agree w/that, SunflOwer.  Right, you could say that those w/BPD experience transient episodes when their inner child is in charge and Big Me disappears, during which periods they lack the ability to regulate their emotions -- the hallmark of BPD.

LuckyJim

Thanks for the reply Lucky Jim,

It certainly makes sense to me to describe inner child enmeshment in terms of a pwBPD and their issues of emotional regulation.

While I have little issues of emotional regulation myself, I do have difficulties remaining present and in a state of mindfulness.  My Big Me is designated 'in charge' of this, however, has issues with dissociation, therefore little me can take advantage of this.

I am pondering ways to teach both Big me and maybe little me to appreciate the present and motivating Big Me to not loose focus and mentally escape. *sigh*

SF

[Sunfl0wer]

My exBPD partner was in therapy in the last year of our r/s. She and her therapist immediately began discussing what they called her "parts of self" - Little M, teenage M, and adult M. My ex was very fragmented, however - these were almost distinct personalities with observable differences in behavior and values.

This was what was so confusing in the r/s - at the halfway point she morphed into "someone else" that I couldn't recognize. What was really happening is that Little M was in the lead for a while, but then teen M took over. Little M was childlike, anxious and clingy - but teen M was older, passive aggressive and had no morals. She began lying and sleeping around - and I was left feeling like someone hit me over the head with a hammer. I saw adult M sometimes - but she never stuck around for very long.

In hindsight I can't believe that it took me so long to recognize these distinct "parts of self."  If I saw her today and we spoke for a little while, I'm sure I'd be able to figure out who was in the lead pretty quickly.

Wow!  While I do not have BPD or even MPD, I do feel many traits are on some continuum.  I certainly appreciate and relate to feelings of having fragmented selfs, likely not to the extent that you describe, yet reading it feels validating.

I need a bit of time to digest this some and hope to reply a bit more maybe.

Do you believe your ex has MPD?

How aware was she of this or was it a new discovery with that therapist?

[jhkbuzz]

My exBPD partner was in therapy in the last year of our r/s. She and her therapist immediately began discussing what they called her "parts of self" - Little M, teenage M, and adult M. My ex was very fragmented, however - these were almost distinct personalities with observable differences in behavior and values.

This was what was so confusing in the r/s - at the halfway point she morphed into "someone else" that I couldn't recognize. What was really happening is that Little M was in the lead for a while, but then teen M took over. Little M was childlike, anxious and clingy - but teen M was older, passive aggressive and had no morals. She began lying and sleeping around - and I was left feeling like someone hit me over the head with a hammer. I saw adult M sometimes - but she never stuck around for very long.

In hindsight I can't believe that it took me so long to recognize these distinct "parts of self."  If I saw her today and we spoke for a little while, I'm sure I'd be able to figure out who was in the lead pretty quickly.

Wow!  While I do not have BPD or even MPD, I do feel many traits are on some continuum.  I certainly appreciate and relate to feelings of having fragmented selfs, likely not to the extent that you describe, yet reading it feels validating.

I need a bit of time to digest this some and hope to reply a bit more maybe.

Do you believe your ex has MPD?

How aware was she of this or was it a new discovery with that therapist?

For a little while I thought she might be MPD (now called Dissociative Identity Disorder) but there were some things that didn't fit.  She was definitely on the dissociative spectrum, though. You're right - some of these disorders are on a continuum.

She wasn't aware of it at all - it was her therapist that started to clue her in.