Throwing things on Mother's Day

[Akita]

My BPDw didn't have the mother's day she wanted.  I offered to buy a big ticket item for a mother's/father's day gift.  She wasnt sure what she wanted.  She got nothing.  Her brother didn't come to her birthday gathering or give a gift, he did show up to her sisters' birthdays and gave them gifts.  She asked me not to look around while she backs the car up, she says it's insulting to her driving skills.  I told her I should drive then because it's hard for me to not look around.  She got angry.  I stopped talking to her.  When we got home we got ready for bed and I still ignored her.  She got out of bed and cut her wrist.  She laid in bed for awhile then laid on the floor next to her dog.  After a few minutes she climbed into the closet.  I started reading porn because I couldn't sleep.  She saw my phone was on so she got on the bed and asked what I was reading.  After dodging the question awhile I admitted it was porn.  She knows I do this and I know she dislikes me doing it.  She is sexually shut down and I'm highly sexual so that's how I cope.  Anyway she went back to the closet and started chucking things.  They were banging off the wall.  She dented the wall in two places and one item she threw hit me and left a nasty red mark on my chest.  After she got down throwing things and saying no one cares how she feels she got back in bed.  She cried and said she was sorry it hit me.  We talked about how if she hit me again I would walk out the door.  I held her and explained that I do care.  We discussed why she was upset.  She left in the morning still upset.  Says she isn't getting worse, I'm getting meaner.  Any advice?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Mothers day is a stressful time for BPD mums, if they dont get gushed over it makes them face the fact that maybe they weren't the best mum. Truth is most kids dont feel genuinely overly gushy towards BPD mums. When partners offer to fill the gap it just highlights this.

Ignoring her and readying porn is just piling this on. Throwing a tantrum is the obvious conclusion to this chain of events.

As you stop reacting you will get accused of not caring and being mean. Which is another way of expressing that she is not getting her needs met

[Akita]

Our son is 16 months.  So that's not an issue yet... .just what I do... .or don't do.

[Akita]

How do I know what her needs are?  She is constantly telling me I'm mean and then I explain my side or what I meant and she says I don't care about her feelings or notice her.

[waverider]

How do I know what her needs are? 

Thats the million dollar question, as most of the time she doesn't know either, only that they are not being met. Hence we can never meet their needs. That is the essence of neediness, you cant fulfill it. It is the desire to have people attempting to meet them they seek.

[Akita]

That's probably true.  If I ask how she is I get a fine or okay.  If I ask what she's thinking I may get told nothing or she will say she can't tell me because I'll make her feel worse.  Occasionally she will tell me.  It is usually something negative.  She is constantly telling me she is wrong everything she does is wrong or not good enough.  I make her feel this way.  I think she misinterprets things but she denies that and restates her thoughts.  I'm not allowed to give my side.  I don't know how to stop making her feel bad or worse than she does.  I think she acts certain ways to get attention and I tell her that.  She says I don't care about her pain or her struggles.  She sees ulterior motives for everything I do.  How do I build trust?  How do I prove to her I care?  Will this ease her pain?  Or will there just be new causes?  She says she hates herself.  She says she wishes she was dead.  I don't want her to feel this way.  I feel like I caused it.  She got a lot worse after we got married so could I be the cause?