Another development - he's getting closer?

[Depression = 72% of members]

A few weeks ago, I posted that my exBPDbf (ex of nearly 2 years) has joined the same martial arts gym that I am a member of. The gym is in my town, and he lives around 8 miles or so away from here. When I joined, I knew from a mutual friend that he was a member of a club closer to where he lives, which was one of the reasons I chose to join the club near me; I felt safe he wouldn't ever be there.

When I found out he'd joined up, I felt this was not a coincidence. I know whenever we split up in the past, he would check social media to see what I was up to (he told me he did this), and I did "like" the gym page when I joined. A few months later, photos of him at the classes there were turning up on the gym's timeline. So far I've only booked one class at this gym, but he wouldn't know how much I do or don't go. Of course I accept that all this could be pure coincidence - the town isn't hugely far from where he lives, and he probably has no interest in finding out what I do these days, but it just felt suspicious. The man was *incredibly* vain about his appearance, and obsessed with the idea of his own strength and fighting prowess. He totally glamorised violence and saw it as a mark of his manliness, wanting me to watch him work out and coo over how strong he was. While he may not particularly want to see me, I know he would LOVE for me to see him all buff, in the setting he would feel most confident and successful. A kind of "look at what you're missing" chance to show off.

When I joined up, it was partly for me and partly to access the kids classes for my children - in fact this was what my original booking was for. So when I saw the posts with him at the adult classes I thought "it's ok, I can still take the kids to the kids classes, he won't be there on those nights".

Last night a message popped up on the gym timeline, saying the kids club has a new instructor. Guess who?

It just feels *really* weird that the ONE club, and not only the one club but the ONE CLASS in the area that I've signed myself and the kids up to, he is now the instructor for. When we were together, he wasn't even practicing martial arts having given it up years earlier, yet now here he is in my town teaching in the club my kids and I have joined.

I'm constantly on guard because I know that having contact with this person would cause me anguish, and because of this I've always kept an eye out on where he goes (we vaguely share the same social circle) so that I don't bump into him. I don't want to take my eye off the ball and inadvertently turn up to a social that he's going to. What it feels like, though, is that although he will never contact me directly, it's as if he's drawing closer and closer, encroaching on my space to maximise the chance of "accidentally-on-purpose" bumping into me. Probably so he can accuse me of stalking him, or something.

As much as I hate shrinking my life down, I'll just find a different class somewhere else. But if he is determined to put himself in my path so that I stumble across him, he's just going to get closer and closer until it happens.

I am finding this way of living debilitating and exhausting. I'm constantly on the look out, and while I would love to let go and not focus on this any more, I have a fear that if I let my guard down he'll suddenly pop up and I'll be unprepared. The savvy among you will of course ask me "well so what? If you see him don't engage; just move on with your life and ignore him", but the fear is more visceral than logical. It's the fear a drug-addict has of bumping into his dealer, despite being two years clean, despite the fact that "you could just say no". I just have a deep, deep need to stay vigilant and protect myself. Is this need turning into paranoia? I just don't know.

Can anyone else relate?

[Suspicious1]

A few weeks ago, I posted that my exBPDbf (ex of nearly 2 years) has joined the same martial arts gym that I am a member of. The gym is in my town, and he lives around 8 miles or so away from here. When I joined, I knew from a mutual friend that he was a member of a club closer to where he lives, which was one of the reasons I chose to join the club near me; I felt safe he wouldn't ever be there.

When I found out he'd joined up, I felt this was not a coincidence. I know whenever we split up in the past, he would check social media to see what I was up to (he told me he did this), and I did "like" the gym page when I joined. A few months later, photos of him at the classes there were turning up on the gym's timeline. So far I've only booked one class at this gym, but he wouldn't know how much I do or don't go. Of course I accept that all this could be pure coincidence - the town isn't hugely far from where he lives, and he probably has no interest in finding out what I do these days, but it just felt suspicious. The man was *incredibly* vain about his appearance, and obsessed with the idea of his own strength and fighting prowess. He totally glamorised violence and saw it as a mark of his manliness, wanting me to watch him work out and coo over how strong he was. While he may not particularly want to see me, I know he would LOVE for me to see him all buff, in the setting he would feel most confident and successful. A kind of "look at what you're missing" chance to show off.

When I joined up, it was partly for me and partly to access the kids classes for my children - in fact this was what my original booking was for. So when I saw the posts with him at the adult classes I thought "it's ok, I can still take the kids to the kids classes, he won't be there on those nights".

Last night a message popped up on the gym timeline, saying the kids club has a new instructor. Guess who?

It just feels *really* weird that the ONE club, and not only the one club but the ONE CLASS in the area that I've signed myself and the kids up to, he is now the instructor for. When we were together, he wasn't even practicing martial arts having given it up years earlier, yet now here he is in my town teaching in the club my kids and I have joined.

I'm constantly on guard because I know that having contact with this person would cause me anguish, and because of this I've always kept an eye out on where he goes (we vaguely share the same social circle) so that I don't bump into him. I don't want to take my eye off the ball and inadvertently turn up to a social that he's going to. What it feels like, though, is that although he will never contact me directly, it's as if he's drawing closer and closer, encroaching on my space to maximise the chance of "accidentally-on-purpose" bumping into me. Probably so he can accuse me of stalking him, or something.

As much as I hate shrinking my life down, I'll just find a different class somewhere else. But if he is determined to put himself in my path so that I stumble across him, he's just going to get closer and closer until it happens.

I am finding this way of living debilitating and exhausting. I'm constantly on the look out, and while I would love to let go and not focus on this any more, I have a fear that if I let my guard down he'll suddenly pop up and I'll be unprepared. The savvy among you will of course ask me "well so what? If you see him don't engage; just move on with your life and ignore him", but the fear is more visceral than logical. It's the fear a drug-addict has of bumping into his dealer, despite being two years clean, despite the fact that "you could just say no". I just have a deep, deep need to stay vigilant and protect myself. Is this need turning into paranoia? I just don't know.

Can anyone else relate?

[WoundedBibi]

If I remember correctly last time I replied to you to trust your gut because it is always right. If your gut tells you he became a member on purpose to be nearer to you, he did. If your gut tells you be became an instructor on purpose to be able to interact with your kids and you, he did. If your gut tells you to stay the hell away, do. It doesn't matter if it is because he could recycle you, or because he frightens you, if every fiber in your body screams "run", then run.

So by all means, choose another club. But be smart about it this time. Don't like anything about them on social media. Better yet take yourself off of social media as much as possible. He will have less info on you to accidentally on purpose bump into you and life without social media is really peaceful anyway 

[Suspicious1]

Thanks Woundedbibi. My gut tells me he's hanging around this town more, including joining that club, in the hopes of having me bump into him. Becoming an instructor I think is a little different and would be more coincidental, but in any case it is very convenient and perhaps will provide him with another handy excuse to be round here.

Yes, another club (on the quiet) will be the way to go I think, because yes, my gut is telling me to stay cautious, to stay alert and to stay away.