Intro to my story

[NewBe]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to post a quick hello, a bit about my journey, and to thank you for this forum and for your presence here.

I'm in my early 50's and my BPD mother will be 80 this year. My caretaking/enabling father died in 2014 and my mother moved halfway across the country into a retirement community near my husband and me last spring at my suggestion (before I realized how mentally ill she is!). I've been aware of our family dysfunction ever since I was in therapy in the 1990's but only recently realized my mother is probably an undiagnosed BPD. I yearn for a time when I don't get triggered by every interaction with her. Right now I'm minimizing contact while I attempt to become more neutral. She's in reasonably good health and living in independent living at the moment so hopefully I can learn to take better care of myself, which will be especially important when/if her needs increase in the future.

I look forward to learning and growing with you all!

Thanks for listening,

NewBe

[Naughty Nibbler]

NewBe:

Welcome!

You are wise to brush up on/gain skills for dealing with your elderly BPD mom.  End-of-life situations (and the golden years) can be trying and we never know what we may have on our plate.

The uBPD in my life is my sister.  The wheels really fell off the bus during the end of both my parent's life, when my sister and I had to work together with decisions.  We had to deal with Financial Power of Attorneys for both parents, Medical Power of Attorneys for both parents and then act as co-trustees.  My parents had no idea of the havoc that would ensue, when my uBPD sister and I were forced to interact on all issues and share in the decisions. 

I wish you the best and hope you make it through your mom's final years as smoothly as possible.  My mom spent the final 5 months of her life between multiple hospitalizations and stays in multiple skilled nursing homes.  On one coherent day mom stated, "I thought I'd just die one day. Never thought I'd have to go through something like this".  Her logic was that she would have wanted to have a sudden and quick death - massive stroke, heart attack. Both my parents were in reasonably good health, for their age.  It just seemed like someone pushed a "decline button" and both of them rapidly declined at the same time and died within 4 months of each other.

Hope your uBPD mom stays healthy until her dying day and that you are able to minimize the conflict that may be ahead of you.

[JQ]

Hello NewBe,

I'm glad you found us. Here you'll find no one to judge you, we've been or still are where you're at and no first hand what you're experiencing. You'll see in time with the stories you'll read that it seems as if they all read from the same BPD script.

It was only recently did I learn of what BPD was from a now exBPDgf when she told me she was. Then I realized that I had repeated a similar patter over my life ... .it was then I realized that I was like most here a care giver aka codependent, fixer, perfectionist, etc. etc. etc.  Then doing a deep dive on my history I found that my step mother was BPD in addition to my step sister and then the pieces of this great BPD puzzle started to fall into place.

I learned to say no to her, actually to all the BPD women in my life and learn that their flying monkey's were their flying monkey's and THEY had to put them back in their own cages. NOT my monkey's ... .NOT my problem.     insert the flying monkey's theme here    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SESI19h4wDo

YOU do need to take better care of yourself ... .from eating better, to exercising even if it's only a mile walk, to watching the sun come up in the morning with a cup of coffee to being sure you get enough sleep at night. YOU have to take care of YOU and the group is here to help you do that if you want ... .       

I would encourage you to read the references at the top and to the right of the page ... .a good therapist to help you sort out your thoughts, feelings, emotions who is really good at BPD / Codependent issues, this is key to helping you on your journey. 

We're anonymous here so feel free to tell us things as you become more comfortable with the group ... .really ... .we know where you're coming from and are here to assist you on your journey

Welcome to the group.

J

[Notwendy]

Welcome NewBe,

I am in a similar situation- middle aged with widowed BPD mom.

I can give you some hope though- it has taken much work through ACOA, and counseling to get to the point where she does not trigger me. Well maybe an occasional one, but not really. This feels like a miracle, and it has helped me with other relationships too. There are probably many ways to do this, but ACOA seemed to fit me. It isn't restricted to alcoholic parents, as dysfunctional families have similar issues. Many in the groups have dysfunctional families as well.

Before I got to this point though, I had to grieve my father, which gets better but I know that I still miss him. One thing that baffled me was his role in this. I saw him as a victim of my mother, but once I started working on my own co-dependency, I saw just how much he was a part of this. I grieved that he didn't stand up for his kids when she painted us black, but I see that this relationship was something that he was so enmeshed in, I don't know if he even was aware of the whole of it.

Our parents were from an era where one did not talk about mental illness and information about BPD was not available. My dad did take care of us- we had what we needed, a great education, and when we were little he was both mother and father to us. I have so many memories of him taking us to the park, the zoo, even chaperoning my high school dances.

When we were kids, we were terrified of our mothers, who had so much power over us. At middle age, this isn't the case. It is actually our mothers who are becoming more dependent. I think we have to walk a careful line between compassion and co-dependency. I think getting a handle on our own co-dependent  behaviors and emotional reactivity has been helpful. We can only do the best we can. My father tried to make her happy and I know that if he couldn't make a difference in her BPD ( and I know he surely wished he could) I know that nobody can. So, I will do the best I can, with boundaries as well as some tough love, not enabling. But I know I need support from a group/sponsor to achieve this.

[NewBe]

Thank you, NaughtyNibbler, JQ, and Notwendy for your lovely welcomes! It's so comforting to know others "get" what I'm dealing with and have managed to move through some of the challenges.

NaughtyNibbler - Hugs to you around the difficult transitions of both your parents and particularly in the still lingering crap with your sister. Ugh. My mother adamantly refuses to give me financial PoA while simultaneously wanting me to take care of all her business. I finally got her to agree to sign a PoA which will go into effect when/if she loses competence. My brother has major issues (didn't come home when my father was sick or when he died) so fortunately he hasn't been part of the equation. Best wishes to you with your sister!

JQ - I too had to be told about BPD. A colleague who heard my mother stories said it sounded like uBPD and after reading about it, I'm convinced it's true. I laughed when you mentioned the flying monkeys because I've done the "not my monkey, not my circus" but the flying monkeys are even better!  I haven't found therapy that helpful - I terminated my last therapeutic relationship when the therapist called me a "drama queen." She hasn't met my mother, LOL. Self-care is tricky - I've been eating all my rage. I didn't know about BPD when I was in therapy last, though, so it may be worth revisiting. I'll definitely check out the resources, thanks!

Notwendy - I've thought about ACOA before. I remember when I was first exploring our family dynamics I wondered why our family looked like an alcoholic one even though it wasn't. I thought I had the perfect family and mother growing up. Her control and rage is all indirect - quite crazy-making. All the best to you around grieving your father. How great that he was there for you in a way your mother wasn't. Ah, boundaries! My mother crumples at the slightest hint of criticism - I still have to get past feeling sorry and/or responsible for her since not setting boundaries definitely harms me. So much to learn! Thank you for sharing.

Again, thank you all! 

JQ -

[JQ]

Hey NewBe,

Glad to see you can still laugh because that's important for your healing and recovery.     As far as the therapist thing, try another one, it's like any r/s and sometimes they just don't work out.  I have a couple of friends who are clinical therapist / physiologist and they have told me that they've "booted" clients out of the office for different issues. They realized that they can no longer help the person or it's not a "good fit" for whatever reason and give them referrals to others that might be able to help ... .certainly something to think about.

Instead of eating your rage ... .try going for a walk ... .a mile will only take you about 15-20 minutes on a bad day. It'll get the good endorphins moving around in your body, reduce your stress and help you sleep at night too. ON your walk try to enjoy the small things, sounds of nature, the blue sky, the breeze in your hair the sun on your face. Before you know it, you've gone 2 miles and walked off the Ding Dong. 

Someone else was doing the same thing ... .it was a recurring thing to say, "Put down that Ding Dong" ... ..     

J

[NewBe]

I'm laughing again, JQ, thank you. This time I'm imagining ":)ing Dong, the witch is dead!" along with those flying monkeys.

I've never met a walk I didn't like but somehow it's hard to get out there. I do exercise but usually indoors on cardio equipment which isn't all that satisfying.

The other issue is that my rage was forbidden and I tend to eat before I even realize the emotion is under there. Time to start doing some homework... .

Thank you again.

[JQ]

I'm laughing again, JQ, thank you. This time I'm imagining "ing Dong, the witch is dead!" along with those flying monkeys.

I've never met a walk I didn't like but somehow it's hard to get out there. I do exercise but usually indoors on cardio equipment which isn't all that satisfying.

The other issue is that my rage was forbidden and I tend to eat before I even realize the emotion is under there. Time to start doing some homework... .

Thank you again.

Hey NewBe,

I know it's hard at times to get out there and get a walk at times ... .been there ... .done that ... .had the muffin top    WOW TO FUNNY!    I soo understand the rage & eating thing ... .at some point in the future you will look at yourself in the mirror ... .and know when you've had enough. You'll know when it's time to get back to walking on a daily basis, go to the gym, lift a weight or two and put down the Ben & Jerry's           Only you will know when that moment in time will be ... .until then, try to moderate because it's going to be such a B!tch getting back to where you want to be ... .trust me on this one.   

J  

[Notwendy]

Exercise is a great way to help take care of yourself when dealing with BPD mom.

I also have to do some sort of self care after I spend some time with her. It could be something simple like taking a long drive home. looking at some pretty scenery, getting some nice bath salts, something healthy for a meal. These small ways of taking care of me " you are special too" help me to unwind before getting back to my routine at home.

[NewBe]

JQ - I'm snickering (LOL another accidental food word) at the "muffin top." Don't want to go there. I'm more a pear shape so I'm getting the saddlebags instead (cream cheese thighs?). I'm already the heaviest I've ever been. I last weighed close to this in 1984 when I was binging in college.   

Thank you, Notwendy. Great advice! The part of being kind to myself I struggle with is "why can't I be a better daughter?" even while it's her craziness causing all the discomfort, angst, drama, etc. She's no mother so I need to release the idea that I need to behave like a "real" daughter. I intellectually get that I deserve more kindness because she's so difficult but the old programming often kicks in saying "Her needs come first. Sacrifice yourself for her." Classic co-dependency, ugh.

Thanks again. 

[Notwendy]

Binging/starving has emotional roots. First is the perfectionism- not eating to attain a goal- if only I was think I'd be good enough. But human nature is what it is- we are programmed to eat if hungry. So, one break and we aren't perfect- we blew it. So why not eat the whole box of cookies. Then comes the self punishment and shame.

You may actually not be feeding your body the nutrition it needs when trying to diet, which triggers cravings. But you may also not be feeding your soul by being critical of yourself.

It is easier to succeed with small changes. One could be to not diet but focus on real nutrition- learning to cook, make healthy meals, and then an exercise program for the many benefits. At middle age, we are all concerned about keeping muscle mass, staying strong, staying healthy. Find something you like- a dance class- yoga, bike riding, hiking. Adding more activity along with healthier food choices - and you may find yourself happier, healthier, and even lighter over time.

I think it is important to make changes with self love, not self criticism about your weight.

[JQ]

NewBe,

Notwendy makes some great points on the eating and exercising.  Be sure you're taking a multivitamin because there is no way you can eat all that you need to get those needed.  As NW also points out getting out there moving your body is always a good thing, one step at a time. You don't think marathon runners ran 28 miles their first day out do you? Nope, they worked up to it, one step at a time. You didn't put on weight all at once did you? Nope it happened slowly over time so don't expect it to come off over the weekend after a 2 mile walk. 

You're doing the best you can so don't beat yourself up about being a better daughter.  When you let those things go, you'll find that life truly is pretty darn good without the flying monkey's causing shadows on your day. Get a shotgun and start blasting those little asss out of the sky        

I know whenever I felt the need for a big piece of chocolate fudge frosted cake ... .nom nom nom ... .I would jump on my bike and ride a few miles. Double benefit to it. I don't eat empty calories and I burn some off.  It doesn't matter if you walk or run a couple of miles for caloric burn, it really is about the same. I prefer to walk to really take my time enjoying the small things like the sun on my face, nature sounds of waking up in the morning and the breeze in the air ... .small things to set my Zen for the day.   

You're a smart women NewBe, you're learning things quickly and you should be proud of how far you come. You point out "classic codependent behavior" and sacrificing yourself for them will lead to nothing positive.         

You're on a good path 

J

[NewBe]

You may actually not be feeding your body the nutrition it needs when trying to diet, which triggers cravings. But you may also not be feeding your soul by being critical of yourself.

I think it is important to make changes with self love, not self criticism about your weight.

I extracted these two pieces because they are especially resonant. I don't believe in diets but I agree self-love is what's needed here. Negative self-talk works no better than diets! Thank you for your great input and kind recommendations.

[NewBe]

NewBe,

Notwendy makes some great points on the eating and exercising.  Be sure you're taking a multivitamin because there is no way you can eat all that you need to get those needed.  As NW also points out getting out there moving your body is always a good thing, one step at a time. You don't think marathon runners ran 28 miles their first day out do you? Nope, they worked up to it, one step at a time. You didn't put on weight all at once did you? Nope it happened slowly over time so don't expect it to come off over the weekend after a 2 mile walk. 

You're doing the best you can so don't beat yourself up about being a better daughter.  When you let those things go, you'll find that life truly is pretty darn good without the flying monkey's causing shadows on your day. Get a shotgun and start blasting those little asss out of the sky     

I know whenever I felt the need for a big piece of chocolate fudge frosted cake ... .nom nom nom ... .I would jump on my bike and ride a few miles. Double benefit to it. I don't eat empty calories and I burn some off.  It doesn't matter if you walk or run a couple of miles for caloric burn, it really is about the same. I prefer to walk to really take my time enjoying the small things like the sun on my face, nature sounds of waking up in the morning and the breeze in the air ... .small things to set my Zen for the day. 

You're a smart women NewBe, you're learning things quickly and you should be proud of how far you come. You point out "classic codependent behavior" and sacrificing yourself for them will lead to nothing positive.         

You're on a good path 

J

Unrealistic expectations? Moi? Well, maybe a little.  

Back in college I used to swim five miles a day. That sounds so out of balance now... .

LOL on blasting the flying monkeys! 

Thanks for your compliment and kind words. I do think I'm on a good path and am grateful to find this remarkable place.