Watching my 8 year old niece reminded me of him

[Itstopsnow]

Hello everyone, I've been no contact know 6 months. I'm starting to put my life back together. I started a second business and I'm so excited about it. I still think of my ex daily though and it takes up too much time and space still. But as I get more involved with my exciting new  endeavor I feel myself letting go more and more of thoughts of him. It makes me a little sad to fully let go. Doesn't that sound ridiculous? He was so cruel and horrible but ... .

Today my little 8 year old niece who is a bright, sweet, energetic little girl was having a typical 8 year old melt down. She was having trouble understanding math and going from crying, to running out of the room yelling . Coming in hugging me crying because I was trying to be kind and my other sister was trying to get her to work . She said "auntie (my name) is nice and good auntie (my sisters) name is mean and bad, I told her  sometimes anyone  can mean and others times they can be nice too. And that doesn't make them bad when she has a disagreement with them. She may of understood on a superficial level. But it struck me and reminded of what I actual went through with my ex. I got to see how he perceived things. It shocked me and made me sad. I know my niece is young and means no malice by her words. She sometimes gets upsets and wants  to smack but she is 8 and learning boundaries and doesn't fully get it because of the lack of emotional maturity . It's sad to know this is them as adults. But with that being said. The BPD knows they are doing very bad wrong immoral things when they lie, cheat, manipulate etc... .It's so hard to balance out the anger and the ability to have a sense of compassion for them. The best thing in reality is to keep moving forward and stop looking back to analyze , dissect or reminisce. These relationships were highly  dysfunctional  and that is the sad truth. No one wins but hopefully there is growth for each of us. And maybe one day for them. Who knows? We won't know what happens to them. They aren't our problem or responsibity anymore.

[rfriesen]

The BPD knows they are doing very bad wrong immoral things when they lie, cheat, manipulate etc... .It's so hard to balance out the anger and the ability to have a sense of compassion for them.

First of all, congratulations on your business endeavours and on moving forward in life!

Second, this line above captures some of the hardest struggles I have getting over my ex. I really really feel for her and all the pain and anger and hurt she expressed to me. I can see that it comes from very deep down and it just seems like she's moving from crisis to crisis in life, with lots of pain along the way. I wish I could help her. I have lots of compassion for her. But I do struggle at other times with anger because she lashed out so hard so often by the end of our relationship, and clearly was trying to hurt me. And the lies, cheating, manipulation, yelling, insulting, back-stabbing, ... .how can I not be angry about it?

I agree with you that it's important not to get lost in analysing, dissecting, and reminiscing. That said, the conclusion I've come to is that my ex seems to "know" what she does is wrong and hurtful in the sense that she feels very uncomfortable when she thinks of it, and how she pushed me away ... .but her mind has some kind of defence mechanism that for the most part prevents her from turning that discomfort into recognition, acceptance, and responsibility for her behaviour. When we were together, if she was starting to feel bad about something she had done, she would either get angry and project, or justify her behaviour and blame me, or initiate sex and work out her emotions that way. Obviously some of those ways of dealing were more enjoyable than others ... .but in the end, it hurts to think that she was never able to honestly and openly take responsibility for her hurtful behaviour. I would have traded even very good sex for that kind of honest and open discussion.

Oh well, it is a hard balance like you say -- I can't help but be angry, but I also love my ex and wish her the best and wish she didn't carry so much pain inside.

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you for your response. I know it's so hard. I still have feelings of missing him, then it turns to anger and horror knowing what he did to me and how deceitful and manipulative he was. But I think it is a lot to do with their brain wiring. A lot of them do almost the exact same behaviors as each other. It has to be partly because of the BPD and other co morbid issues. They aren't well and letting go and trying not to look back is probably the healthiest thing to do. But the relationship was so abnormal and so intoxicating and so baffling . It just sucks! but healing is our own journey now. They will never be able to understand their part in it. Even when it's blantently obviously . They will always justify, or play the victim . That's why they don't learn or grow . It's their lot in life o guess . And I do t feel bad for him. Not the ways he lied and cheated. Mine showed signs of ASPD and NPD besides his overwhelmingly obvious BPD